My fault? When I tripped over because I didn’t tie up my shoelaces, that was my fault. When my favourite plant died because I forgot to water him, that was my fault. When I lost a friend because I kept putting off contacting them, that was my fault.
When you locked me in your room, when you tried to finger me under the tables in our science class, when you told everyone we had sex, when you made fun of my body and called me a whore, when you tricked me, when you groomed me, when you made fun of me for going to the police, was that my fault? You say yes, I say fuck you.
Those parts of me I’ll never have back, you stole that. There was no us, and there certainly was no me. You haunt me, when I see you my legs don’t work, and I want to run towards you, to embrace you, then thrust my knife into your back. Because that is what you did to me.
I see you laugh at me; I see you jeer. Whore, slut, skank, did you ever really know my name? Did you know what my favourite colour was? Did you know what show I loved the most? Did you even want me? Or did you want my body? You salivate, dripping drool like a dog with a gaping maw, you ate me, then spat me out when I resisted. You didn’t want me when I fought back.
You’re a monster, a lying cheating beast who prays on those who are smaller. You saw a rabbit, ripe, fresh and full of hopes, and you snapped its neck. For so long that rabbit lay there dormant, its neck hanging like a loose rope. I loved you once, at least I thought I did, I was 12 when you started attacking me. You said you love me, then proceeded to treat me like a toy.
You won, you won finally, I broke. 2 times I stood on a ledge, 2 times I choked myself with a rope. I turned, naïve, thinking maybe you’d see what you did. You were laughing. Mouthing “jump”. So, I tried, and 3 angels held me down, took me to the hospital and tried to fix what they could. They mended my physical wounds and tried to fix my brain. They had to remove the TV remote chord, I tried to die again.
I haven’t seen you since, and that brings me great joy. Every time I hear your name, see you active online, I laugh. I’m not fixed, not yet. I don’t think I ever will be. There’s no way to fix what you’ve broken, but that doesn’t mean that it will always bring me down. One day I know I’ll be able to stop the flashbacks, look past the trauma and know it wasn’t my fault. Until then I just must play it day by day. One day you’ll be scared of me, like how I am with you. And on that day, I will have won.
Question: Is “suicide” still frowned upon? Am I allowed to talk about it here? If you answered yes to the first one and no to the second question, then keep scrolling (you have been warned). Just want to share a weird experience we had today. I was with a group of people, mostly minorities, at a bar…we had a long serious conversation about suicide as an option incase things got out of hand in this world. It was awkward at first and people felt hesitant to say much about it…but in the end, we all broke the ice and felt comfortable with each other on this topic. Trying to become acquainted with the idea of death by suicide had strangely put our minds at ease and when our minds were at ease we felt powerful…powerful enough to fight. Ironic how such conversation ended with us feeling more energized to fight for our lives and the lives of other people. It’s probably because we are starting to accept this as a backup plan…or if it ever becomes the only plan. #TrumpAmerica
Hailey McIntire, I am going to ramble a bit here and if this ever reaches the other dimension, I apologize in advance if i don’t make sense – I’m a bit sleep deprived, slightly off-kilter because I’ve had some bottles of angry orchard on your behalf last night, and being in the 20s generally suck for many unless you have rich parents constantly pumping money into their kids’ hippie-tastic life (not to be confused with the real hippies). Quite frankly, I don’t care if some of these young, rich “hippies” get offended and delete me. Yeah, they probably have their own problems that I don’t know about so I shouldn’t say shit like this, but that is not the point of this ramble (my rambles never have a point). Whatever. I have angry orchard running in my veins right now and just can’t even manage to put up a mental filter right now. Perhaps, it’s best to show people what the unfiltered version of me looks like. Saves all of us some time. Hailey, you always loved unfiltered conversations. You always embraced the “i’m a horrible person” persona, but in reality you were such a good person that the ostentatious, sick-to-my-stomach goody two shoes people around me who keep shoving their inner “goodness” in other people’s face have started to appear evil in my eyes. Because of you, I have become more cognizant of the fake good people in this world, perhaps I’m one of them. This is not a complaint, btw. I am not a people person anyway, so the more I can weed out the better. So thank you.
A year ago from today, we could’ve been in Ithaca enjoying the hike and the farmer’s market. You would’ve been a senior at BU this year in linguistics, sulking over your advanced Arabic class, ordering white sauce Dominos pizza online instead of doing your Arabic homework and ultimately inviting me over for some pizza and beer. BTW, Hailey and I both prefer white sauce over red sauce on our pizza (some of you NYers can suck it if you have a problem with this). Oh and that Bioshock game…let’s not even go there lol. Also, Binghamton feels dull without you, Hailey…the city itself is going through great changes and it feels great on the surface but by the end of the day, it feels empty again because you are not physically with us. This place will never feel complete without a personality like yours. Every Tues and Thurs, I always looked forward to waking up knowing that I would see you at the bus stop on my way to work. You would recite your Arabic to me on our way to campus in preparation for your class and for all I know you could’ve been telling me to fuck off in arabic and I wouldn’t even know. I’ve always been impressed by your knack for foreign language. I don’t get to experience any of this anymore. It’s certainly empty here on Mill Street. However, I have not lost you. You have taught me many things. I’ve been reminiscing our conversations and there are many parts that I am starting to understand even more now as I continue to think about life. My experience with you as a friend, neighbor, and fellow BU bearcat has been very valuable to me and I am using this to explore myself, grow, and be more aware. I have been trying harder (well…I still fuck things up as usual).
This is a process I am going through right now and so far it has been a great reminder that you are in fact present in this world, in my memory.
Although I can no longer see, touch, and hear you…you are still here being a great friend that you have always been and I know this because I am going through a personal change, a change that others cannot notice but myself. This change is because of you. Can’t say if the change is for the better or for worse, but change is happening. What I’m trying to say is that you are making this change and this is all because you are still here. I simultaneously miss you greatly and don’t miss you at the same time realizing you are still here with me. It’s sort of like the object permanence idea, but the adult version. My senses don’t detect your presence, but my mind is starting to transcend what my body can observe. I’m sorry, I don’t think I’m making any sense here. Guess I could’ve made this short and simple: HAILEY, YOU ARE HERE. You had a bottle of Angry Orchard with me last night and I think you spilled some fourth dimension balkan into my drink as a joke to mess with my head…and I like that. Holy fuck, tho. It feels like my brain has a cape on. Hailey, you rock. #buddiesforlife
I am now regretting the years when I stood with my hand over my heart like an idiot for the national anthem every morning with the rest of the class in grade school. Oh that’s right…teachers threatened us with lunch detention if we didn’t comply to this needlessly overzealous patriotism. As a matter of fact, I actually DID get a lunch detention for not standing up for the national anthem that one time…
A part of being an adult is living with regret and not allowing it to consume you. The older you get, the more mistakes you’ve made, opportunities you’ve missed, people you’ve disappointed. And every day you have to remind yourself to be kind and forgiving of yourself. You accept and love the you from the past and understand that it’s all a part of the process. Then you move on and live your best life, knowing now as old as you feel today, you’ll never be this young again.
Have you ever consume grilled beeswax powder via drinking it mix in a glass of warm water?
I have, it was in the name of trying to find the “cure” for my pneumonia few years back. Turned out it didn’t work and a cure don’t exist. So prescribed drugs are better.
But I tell ya how it tasted, it’s the most bitterest thing I have tasted in this world. More bitter than lime seeds, more bitter than cocoa powder, more bitter than raw coffee powder, more bitter than bitter melon, more bitter than medications, even more bitter than those chinese herbs, and more bitter than me.
whenever i listen to fall out boy it doesnt matter if i hear the first 3 seconds or im listening to it for an hour. im always ready to fight. who am i fighting? my arch nemesis? the fictional characters i hate the most? my own ass? i don’t know all i know is that im ready to fight
