#bpd fp

if i am wrong

and there is god up there

and when i die i will look down

from heaven

i will only look at you.

im trying to forget you

and remember you

at the same time.

i cannot escape myself.

i loved you

no matter how much harm you did me.

no matter how hot the shower is

i will never forget

the disgust i feel towards myself

no matter how loud the dreams are

i will never forget

the little girl you took away from me.

how do you describe love

to someone who only knows hate

you cant describe love with words

where hate is only known by speech.

you asked me

why dont i love you

as much as before

and now im scared

that my love for you is dead

and was used when you didnt want me

and i wanted you too much.

take away my pain

no matter at what cost

let it be the last time.

roses are red

violets are blue

i wish you loved me

the way i loved you.

i wish you would have listened

when i said i was so sick

because what i saw

at the moment of

my insufferable weakness

was you

leaving my life like im nothing.

i love you for not giving up on me

when i gave up on myself.

when i think about my childhood

i dont see anything

i only hear the screams

and smell the spirits.

i never craved death

i never was sick of living

quite the opposite

i wanted to start living

and stop floating.

im both a healer and a harmer

i harm myself while healing others.

hands on my skin

whispers in my ears

fear in my eyes

disgust in myself

and you still didnt stop.

all i ever wanted

was to build a bridge

from my heart to yours.

i wish i could forget

your hands all over my body

your skin touching mine

your warm breath

and the disgusting words.

i wish you could see yourself

from my eyes

no flaws

pure perfection

i began wondering

is it still love

or do i only feel obsession?

i want to build a new world for you

and tuck it inside your heart.

if i was to describe

what love is

i wouldnt choose words.