#broken doll

I remember reading a book in my backyard that was given to me, I don’t remember by who, probably my grandmother, I think it had an illustration of a girl on a swing on the front, or maybe that was a page in the book, and there was a poem, I think it was called
“the most beautiful doll in the world”
and this is how I remember it, the first part I made up because it feels like it might have said something like that, and the second part is the best I can remember it.

“I have the most beautiful doll in the world. she had black, shiny eyes, black hair, and shiny ribbons on her dress.
one day I left her outside and she stayed there for a long time.

her eyes were eaten by crows and she lost all her hair. she doesn’t have shiny eyes or ribbons anymore.
but she’s still the most beautiful doll in the world.”

the way that poem makes me feel, I’ve felt this feeling a lot, there’s something about growing up, and getting old, it’s sad, and changing is scary, but you can love old, broken things just as much as new, shiny things.
and then there’s how everything goes away eventually, and you only get to know some things for a little while, like flowers, or places, or people.
and then of course there’s our dear friends, our teddybears and dolls, who you love to spend so much time with that they couldn’t possibly stay new and clean and unbroken.
and it makes you feel sad when you realize how old they’ve gotten. every time a teddy has an operation, to stitch up holes or reattach things or get a stuffing transfusion, that’s how you know you’ve loved them a lot and you’ll keep loving them for a long time. but you don’t think of yourself that way, you think once you get old your life will be over, and time is running out, and nobody loves you, every time a part of you breaks, you believe a little more that no one will ever love you, that no one can love an old broken doll, when there are perfectly new dolls to choose from. but that old broken doll, she has something they don’t. she spent more time with you than anyone else, she knows you, the real you, and she loves you no matter what. and you love her no matter what, and you will cherish the memories you shared forever. you have to treat yourself like that, like it doesn’t matter what happens on the outside, you’re still the most beautiful doll in the world.

Halloween test time

(This is how my hair looks like haha)