— [all pictures from pinterest]

Men Are STILL Trash –A 2nd Tale

Along overdue summery of why men aint ish.

Why am I always having to set the narrative straight? Why do bad boys keep finding me when I really like to good boys? I’m cursed I swear.

Ok let’s start from this begging. I was at a party. I went to the restroom to touch up my makeup. My friend texted me to hurry and come out because there was someone I just HAD to meet. So I met Di….let’s just call him Bonehead. My interest was piqued, I’m not gonna lie. So long story short after the party my friend decided to tap out early and I went out with a group. Bonehead and I seemed to click. We exchanged socials. For months after that he was in my DMs all day everyday. I went back to Asia at this point and he STILL was in my DMs. Sometimes the first and last messages I would see. Guess being so far from my support system I was more suspeptable to taking them as genuine friendship.

After I left Asia, I wasn’t sure if I was going back, but he and some friends and family were going to visit. He told me over and over I just “HAD” to go back at the same time he was. At this point Bonehead had been saying plenty of flirtatious and complimentary things to me. I assumed he was dying to see me or something so that was the reason for his insisting I come with. So I made plans to go. I even showed a few friends the things he said and they were very insistent he was into me.

I don’t remember exactly what he said (It was over snap), but the compliment was enough to make me a bit bolder about flirting back. So I decided to make a direct comment about the flirting. And he said the wasn’t his intention. After all these months, weeks before the Asia trip he says this. I was shocked and pretty upset. After that I saw a shift. No more daily flirty messages. I decided I wouldn’t feel bad about and just be friends and eventually get over it.

The Asia trip came and he began to act a bit standoffish and that hurt my feelings. I thought even despite me taking his non serious flirting seriously, he at least been for real about bring my friend. I hate disingenuousness. And I’d began to value our friendship and conversations. But he didn’t. I eventually confronted him about it after a week of him acting off and told him I wanted to be friends, but he should he carful about how he comes off to people.

So things seemed to he good after that. We were going to be friends again and I decided to slowly let it go. I did have a touch of regret at that point in all honestly. I felt all that flirting couldn’t have been in my head. But I said I’d just take the L and move forward.

So the next day we hung out all day. It was pretty fun. Part of me still had the tinge of regret but I was glad we were friendly again. Later that night we went out and did a lot of drinking. While we were out I just wanted to forget all the regret and feelings I built over that last year. A few guys were flirting with me out in the bars and clubs we went to, but instead of laughing them off I went with their attention. I saw bonehead looking at the guys reaction to me, and I told him, “Hey, just because you aren’t attracted to me, doesn’t mean other guys aren’t.” To my surprise he gave me a “look” and said, “I never said I wasn’t attracted to you.” I was absolutely shook. Everything I decided before took a backseat. I know it was the alcohol. I had been over compensating with drinking to curb the regret I had been feeling. After that he kept giving me this “look.” Actually his best friend and currently brother in law took a picture of how he was looking at me. (He knew about my crush since a few months before and thought I’d like the pic.)

Now what on earth am I supposed to do when a nigga looking at me like wants to devour me alive. On top of all the up and down feelings and mixed signals, I had 0 chance of resisting. So low-inhibitions-Rachel made a move. I took his phone and wrote in a note something along the natue of “What do you want to do. I want to do something.” After that we started playing “footsie” under the table and I wasn’t even thinking. I was just acting. We had both been drinking and in an unstable state. But I was high on life. And this is how the rest of the night began to go.

We were walking and lauging with his arm around me. (Yes he’s a tiny itty bitty, but I got tricked into liking him). At one point after this he started to hold my hand. Then he looks at me and looks at our friends giving a “let’s ditch them” look. So we take off running holding hands. Our friends already read the vibe so they let us have our space. Next thing I know we’re kissing. I honestly don’t know who made the fist move. But it was all lips and tongue and hands. Then he pulls me down to sit on this stoop and sit on his lap. His hands are grabbing and he’s kissing me like I’m water and he’s a partched man in the desert. 

It was enjoyable. It was nice. It wasn’t romantic or anything. It just was. I knew he already said he wasn’t looking to date me or anyone else at that time. So I decided it was out of my system and heart now. The next morning I woke up feeling no regret. I’d left my phone in the area we were hanging out so I couldn’t text him. I did DM him. I implied that it was a one time only moment and we should just keep what happend between us. I went to find my phone and felt fine about everything. That day hanging out seemed normal. He talked about another girl and I decided to even hype him up about it. Encouraging him to Invite her out with us. She didn’t end up coming, but I didn’t think about it. I was just feeling like I finally was moving on. I was happy about where we were. It was something I’d wanted. I didn’t turn out exactly how I’d originally hoped. But I’d had a chance to see a bit of it any and I was happy with that. I could get over it from

That very night we were all hanging out. Drinking some. (not ANYWHERE close to the night before.) He was being nice and I thought we were back to being cool friends. He was even making sure I stayed hydrated, feeding me a water bottle. I thought it was cute and friendly. I was happy with that. I was happy to have this friend. The group was at a karaoke room. I needed the restroom. When I came back everyone else decided  to go too. Everyone decided to walk out at the same time. I was just sitting down minding my own business. Everyone was leaving out of the room except Bonehead. The SECOND they all left the room he just pounced on me and kissed me without warning. I was very shocked. Extremely shocked. I said, “What are you doing? We said last night was a one time thing.” He said, “One more is ok.” And then someone was walking back in the room and he jumped apart.

Now my mind was racing. “What did this mean? Did he change his mind about wanting to try something for real with me? Does he like me? Should I find out? Do I want this for real? Maybe I’ve changed my mind too.” I was absolutely freaking out mind going a billion miles a second. The way my brain works I CANT be left with questions. This crashed all the happy clear thoughts I had. I NEEDED answers.

Then after I try to get a min alone with him to talk and he I can never get even a second. Over the next two days he seems like he’s avoiding me. Then finally I text him about it while we were drinking ask if he wanted to step away and get a second with just us. and he says, “It wouldn’t be a good idea.” and it hits me super hard. At this point I’d been so up and down building up an image, letting it go, getting that built up again. And I start having a panic attack. I’m not sure all of what happens. I went into the bathroom and felt inconsolable. I felt so stupid and played. I came back and tried to just pretend it was all ok. I got my hopes up and was wrong. BUT at least we were friend. Right? So we go to another spot. We’re all sitting and the only seat open is next to me. He goes and switches spots with his friend. That was it. That was a slap to the face.  I was like what the HELL? What did *I* even do wrong? He initiated it. I just went with it. So I feel the panic coming back and I go to the bathroom again. This time I can’t get myself together. His sister comes in and asks me what’s wrong. I tell her we kissed. She asked if that was the only thing we did. (In hind sight she must’ve asked for a reason. From how he was I’m guessing that’s the kind of person he is where that would need to even be a question.)

She apologies for me. She tells me she told him months ago not to be talking to me everyday if his intentions weren’t legit. I was very hurt at that point. Then I didn’t understand why he’d act the way he did. So I left without a word to him, went back to my hotel and cried.

After a few days I went back to the US and the person I am is a fixer. I always want to try to fix everything. I told him I wanted to talk when he had a chance. It was barely 5min. I really didn’t get to get what I wanted to say out.

I still wanted everything fixed. I wanted it back to normal. I wanted to go back to how it was before I told him I was into him flirting with me. I wanted it to be like our friendship was then. But when I would text me he would be super distant and ignore me. And when I called him out on it, he got defensive and said ‘you’re not my girlfriend’ (no ish) and he didn’t talk to people everyday. (A lie cuz he did exactly that with me for like 6 months). He made it out like I was being unreasonable. So I tried one more time to explain everything and how I was feeling and he ignored it. So I decided to just give him space. 6 months later, being the fixer I am. I wanted to still try. And when I visited his hometown he didn’t show up to any of our outings.  And he’s always down for being with people. It was obvious that *I* was the reason he didn’t come out. So I texted his after months of not and asked if he was coming out that last day I was there. He said he was busy. I was hurt, but then angry. Because now I got it. Now I saw ne was NEVER my friend. Idk what he wanted to get out of stringing me along and then ghosting me. But that’s what he did.

The the next time I see him he was to be all huggy and friendly like he was a straight ass to me all this time. I don’t like it at all. But I just act fine because we were there for a special occasion.

That brings us to this week. Again all huggy and I keep purposely pushing his hugs away and he acts like he doesn’t get the point. I’m even pretty rude to him and he’s oblivious or acts like he doesn’t notice. He’s like a dumb puppy.

So now all our mutuals think I’m just “bitter and hurt” because we never dated and I’m in love and obsessed with him or some bs. NO. (I actually kinda hate him and every time he tried to hug me recently it made my skin crawl) I’m angry because he pretended to be my friend to get some sort of notch on his belt with me I guess. I really don’t know his entire reason. But I hate that everyone else has excluded me from the circle over his nonsense.

The process of releasing, and thereby providing relief from, strong or repressed emotions. synonyms: emotional release A¿O?9¿2?0¿1?5¿Ω xMxSx

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