abusivesubstance:

i went to the beach without you tonight. it was dark out and there wasn’t a single star in the sky, because of course there’s not, theres never a clear night sky when i would want it most. maybe next time i always say, but by the time i get around to making myself look at the edge of the earth it’s always the same when im by myself. i am okay with being by myself. i would still rather have been with you, i still would rather be with you. i wanted to be sharing that moment with you so bad, i craved it more then you’re probably craving some sleep or your own death wherever you’re at as i write this. i hope that next time i go to the beach at one in the fucking morning and sit down on the path and let myself feel for once, it’s because i am feeling your hand squeezing mine or your breath on my neck or your arms wrapped around my body or you. i just want to feel you. and every emotion that comes along with you. your cold or your warmth were all i needed tonight because im just never hallt with moderation.

soooo felt this

And this is me-

Giving up on you.

-b.m.

She became convinced that the measure of her existence hung in the balance.
That the complexity of her calm fell in the number of idle breaths she took a day
That her beauty was a scarcity of times that she glanced at the mirror without feeling repulsed.
She is fragile.
Picking up the broken pieces that were once amassed to create a woman. Beautiful and resolved.
All it takes for such a woman to fall, is the absence of someone to pick up the pieces.
And instead of being her own someone. Her own harrowing warrior.
She fell.
Cracked under pressure.
She was broken. And needed everything she swore she’d never want.
Searched for her own validation in the hands of another. And slowly wept; wilted away into her own self demolition.
She lived shadowed under a blanket of grievances.
They were no longer the materialistic obstacles that used to hoard her time.
The were deep and dark and ugly.
She’s slipping into a black hole of her own creation. In a list for validation to find value in herself hidden in the arms of another. When will she realize that she is the only person that will give her worth. She is the only one who can understand her value. And she must fight to be comfortable in her own skin and bones rather than listlessly searching for a piece of her, hidden in a puzzle of broken souls.
She is fragile.
But she will live. And she will learn to love the pieces that have gone astray, the rounded edges and the bitterness that keeps her up till early hours. She will learn to look into the mirror and be content. She will pick up her own pieces. Put them into place.
She was fragile.
But now she is found.
Pieced together the broken.
And the broken;
Now forever bound.

r.t.

The way my hips sway every time that I walk

The piercing regret that sets in after I talk

When I look in the mirror it’s a monster I see

A monster that looks a whole lot like me
I don’t understand when this girl got so bad

I just wish her eyes in the mirror weren’t so sad

You see, I feel disconnected from the reflection that I own.
No more confidence
Into self-loathe I’ve grown.

r.t.

Why does the storm rock the flower
That gives it’s sweetest pollen to the bees?

Why does our God promise prosperity,
Then leave us tortured and broken on our knees?

Why does the sweetest fruit in summer
Always get picked away to rot?

Why does the happiest moment of our lives
Turn into just another nostalgic thought?

Why do the bad things come
To ruin all the pure?

Leave the faithful broken,
Equip the corrupt with the cure.
Why do bad things happen?

A question I can’t understand
As I stare into his pained eyes
And try to feed him some comforting lies.

His father left, and mother has cancer
How can I give him a satisfying answer?

He doesn’t deserve all that’s come his way.
All he did was love.
And what he loved was taken away.

r.t.

How lovely it is to have someone care
How lovely to know that someone is there.
How lovely to feel as lovely as can be.
Lovely is all I feel, when you’re with me.

Blank Canvas.

To her, everything meant something

But she failed to find her own

Meaning

Until she dared to see the roses as flowers

And the stars as

Night

Deciphering symbols and mixed metaphors begging the universe to be her masterpiece

the rain came with floods

and the sun came with droughts

And everything had meaning which meant nothing at all.

The torment of seeing everything as an artist

Would paint the trees red and the sky golden

And the day the facade would fall

Was the day she saw the roses as flowers and the stars as night

No more chipped paint people

No more skies stroked with glory

Just a world

That for the very first time was a blank canvas

She planned to keep

r.t.

I said the words I never thought I could

And the weight of the world lifted

Secrets spilled in the front seat of my car

A truth stained that could take me miles

But had up until then kept me stranded

I said the words I never thought I could

And all the fear that plagued me vanished

Secrets I kept hidden from myself

A truth now exposed for someone else

Now I drive with my windows down

I said the words I never thought I could

And I knew that the worlds; all above and below were listening

Secrets fleeting

Truth overwhelmingly seeping from windows, dripping onto chilled pavement, shining in the sun.

A vision I had always hoped to see, that I never thought I would.

All because I said the words that i never thought I could.

r.t.

Just a pulse.
Just a heartbeat
And a hand to hold.
Anonymous flesh
Just a warm body to lay down by
When its cold.

Just a place filler until they get older
a scapegoat
Just a sweet nothing to nurse a cold shoulder
Just a temporary love for when she needs someone to hold her.
Another one night stand will maybe tide her over.

Just a lost ship trailing towards the light
An easier pursuit under the cover of night.
Sun comes up and the search is finally over
Just a drunken eve, leaving bruises to find when sober.

Just a lost poem
Just an unsung hymn
The wrong love sought.
Anonymous flesh
Named by one
But she forgot.

r.t.

It’s shallow
But I’m drowning
In a hate so rooted deep
I’m lost inside reflections
An uphill battle that’s too steep

Taught to battle monsters
I keep fighting them with skill
forgot to warn me that the ones inside
were not okay to kill.

r.t.

Looking for all the right answers
in all the wrong places.
Looking to find myself
in everybody else’s faces.
Can’t keep praying
for what I swear I don’t need.
Can’t keep trying to understand
a book I won’t read.
I expect others to see value
in a place I never do.
I expect my plans to succeed
though I don’t think them through.
Obsessive.
Compulsive.
Right in all the wrong ways.
Seems like I’ll be stuck here choking on self-hatred
till somebody stays.

r.t.

It’s late and I miss you.
You were to be my everything
My refuge
You kept me safe.
From myself.
Happy.

It’s late and I miss you.
My mind wanders
I’ve thought up
A million things to say to you
Things I won’t.
But wish I could.

It’s late and I miss you.
And life is short.
But so was your temper.
And I’m still trying to make sense of what happened.

It’s too late.
I miss you.
You called today.
Not even the warmth of your voice could salvage the icy front I had put up.
You weren’t here when I needed you.

It’s late
and hopefully now you miss me.

But I think I’ve finally stopped
Missing you.

r.t.

If I write you into my world
Then I haven’t given you up.
I tear pages of you from my heart
Erase paragraphs of your existence
I try to rob myself of your presence
And still I seem to cry tears made up of your promises and
breath air polluted with your words.

If I break my own heart waiting for you
And scribble it on a page
Then I haven’t forgotten you yet
You don’t know the color of my eyes
The taste of my lips
or the pigment of my cheeks
when you say hello.

If I write myself senseless stories of you
Being everything I ever wanted
Then your breath is still in my lungs
I exhale.
Trying to expel your beautiful taste
that has become far too addictive.
I choke on good intentions.
And bleed desperation.
Desperate to forget about you. Desperate to no longer depend on that smile to set my day into motion
and that voice to lull me to sleep.

I try so hard to erase you from my mind, to cleanly reap the seams
binding you to my heart,
and binding my heart to my sleeve.
It wasn’t until looking you in the eyes
for the last time that I realized,
my inability to form
a coherent thought about you
unless it was spilled across paper in permanent ink, was the tangible prison destined to tie me down for all eternity.

You see, I had erased myself from the pages of your book, only to find that you cluttered every chapter of my own.

r.t.

An empty love.
Filled to the brim with high hopes.
He’s put his heart in plastic palms
His faith in paper souls
Searching for something real
Deceived by playing roles.
He’d tell her she looks pretty
She’d compliment him back
His breath was empty promises
His heartbeat hollow cracks.

An empty love requited
Better than a full one that is not
He fell for empty promises
Sought out beauty instead of thought
Why must he constantly seek a love
A full one to the brim
Then constantly settle
for an empty love
A love so paper thin.

A petty, plastic, cracked glass love
A hollow, skimpy, half assed love.

He deserved a love so full above
The brim that is unmet.
But settled for the easy love
His broken safety net.

He gave himself away too quick
Spread himself too thin
Looking for love outside himself
Before finding it within.

r.t.

“It’s whatever”
He said with tears in his eyes
He hid away
Broken.
I didn’t fall for his lies
His parents drank often
He promised himself he wouldn’t
I told him to stay strong
He told me, he couldn’t
He got home from school
Everyday exhausted
Nobody realized his strength
Until one day he lost it.
For him to inhale and say yes one more time.
To a life he was robbed of
The most complex of crime.
He sat in class silent,
But when asked he would spill
Because all he needed
Was someone to listen and be still
He’d tell them his story
The one he told me
And they’d watch amazed at the new depths they’d see.
A boy who was strong
A boy who was clever
But when concluding his tale
He’d just utter “it’s whatever”

r.t.

I hate myself for loving him
I fall a victim of his idle grin
His jokes are tasteless
His words are vain
But when I’m with him
There is no pain.
Just the subtle sting of wanting him mine.
I hate myself for giving him all my time.

i wish i could tell you i’m ready now.

i can love you the way you wanted me to.

i won’t ever doubt my feelings for you again.

i can give you forever.

but… even if i could tell you..i don’t think it would be true.

i think i’m more enamored with the feeling of being loved than i ever was with you.

-and you only loved an idea of me c.r.

“I didn’t know it then, but that would be the last time I ever saw her. In retrospect, there are a lot of things I would have done differently, but I know it doesn’t matter now. I don’t think it would have mattered then, either. We were always destined to fall apart.”

-excerpt from a book i will never write c.r.

‘I have tried my hardest today—

and perhaps my hardest is not my best,

but on that, what else can I say?’

'today, tomorrow,’ - Megan’s Poetry #

‘Inside I am all hollow, winding—

how I imagine a turned-out seashell—

and in the very centre there lives a china woman,

gathering water from my inner well.’

'break,’ - Megan’s Poetry #1280