to fight or not to fight: band of brothers edition
just shitposting something from my drafts because I have no other content for you at the moment. Just to put this into perspective for you, I’ll let you know I’m a 5’2” 110 lb teenage girl. And yes, I will be fighting several of these men. I don’t care how attractive they are.
Dick Winters: I would not want to fight him. Like, at all. He’s a dad. But if I had to fight him, he would lay my ass out. Would definitely sicko god mode curb stomp you and then ask you “Are you okay, son? What’s going on? You can always talk to your dear old dad.”
Lewis Nixon: Oh, I would absolutely fight him solely for the fact that I’d fucking WIN. He would probably be drunk, and he’s not much of a fighter anyways. We would look back on it and laugh.
Carwood Lipton: ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? That would be like punching my mom. Besides, we know that Momma Lip will give you an ass-whooping if necessary, he’s got kids.
Ron Speirs: ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY N OT. He would practically smell me getting ready for a fight, and I would lose the little dignity I have left when he knocks me out with one punch. He is scary, I would not fight in a million years. I would forfeit.
Captain Sobel: BITCH IT IS ON SIGHT AND I COULD PROBABLY BEAT HIM TF UP-
Harry Welsh: No, I wouldn’t fight him, but it would be funny if I tried. Actually, now that I think about it, I would win, but I wouldn’t have the heart to fight him in the first place.
Buck Compton: Absolutely not. He would punch me so hard without mercy. I would die.
Norman Dike: ABSOLUTELY, AND I WOULDN’T EVEN NEED TO PUNCH HIM MORE THAN ONCE-
Joe Liebgott: YOU KNOW THAT WHEN THIS MOTHERFUCKER AND I LOCK EYES IT’S ON SIGHT. Not that Joe and I would hate each other, we would just have that relationship were sometimes we just gotta deck the fuck out of the other person’s halls. Would fight 100%, and I actually might win because we are both skinny legends.
David Webster: I’d fight him because I’d win and it would be easy. If he thinks Shakespeare is good, we are automatically fighting. END OF STORY.
Don Malarkey: I’d never fight him, I love him too much. I’d be messing up a wonderful human being. Also, I would lose, and he wouldn’t even intentionally be trying to win.
Floyd Talbert: I could definitely have a fair fight against this man, but I wouldn’t fight him solely on the grounds that I fear he would get an adrenaline boner.
Chuck Grant: I- No. Absolutely not. He would definitely win.
Bill Guarnere: I would try to fight him for no reason and lose miserably. RIP me.
Johnny Martin: Absolutely not. Could literally incinerate me with one look. I’d be dead before the fight even started. Could roast my ass afterwards. Also, he’s got Bull on his side. No thank you, I will be minding my goddamn business.
Shifty Powers: I would never want to fight him in the first place. I would also lose. He also, like Malarkey, wouldn’t even be trying to win. I feel like he would apologize for the rest of his life if I so much as got a bruise from it. So, no.
Joe Toye: I would do it for shits and giggles and he would not be messing around. I would lose 100%. He does not think it was funny. I think it’s fuckin hilarious.
Skip Muck: I would fight him, and I stand a fair chance at either losing or winning. Idk guys, tell me who you think would win.
Bull Randleman: Are you kidding me. The man is like half a body taller than me. I would rather just die. Also, he could just like pick me up by the back of the neck and I wouldn’t be able to do anything about it??? I would not fight, and if I had to, I would lose.
Skinny Sisk: I wouldn’t wanna fight him, but I could definitely win.
George Luz: I would fight a hoe. Solely for the fact that it would be funny. Still don’t know if I would win or lose.
Frank Perconte: Would fight this little gremlin. Could probably win.
Eugene Roe: I wouldn’t fight him because JESUS DOES HE NEED ANYMORE TRAUMA??? Also, he could beat me up in like 2 minutes. He’s a friggin medic he can literally carry wounded soldiers.
Babe Heffron: No, who the hell would fight an infant. Also, he could probably beat me up. He’s got Guarnere,Toye, Roe, and all of Easy Co hey, that rhymes. I’m not taking that chance.
Alex Penkala: Yeah, I would fight him, but for fun. I would win. Don’t even ask me how I know, I just do.
Albert Blithe: What, are we trying to give the poor man MORE PTSD???? Absolutely not. I would win if I had to, though.
Roy Cobb: I WOULD MILLY ROCK THIS BITCH INTO THE NEXT MILLENIA WITHOUT A SECOND THOUGHT.
Alton More: Homeboi had the balls to talk back to Speirs. I don’t wanna find out what type of punch he packs. I’m good.
Pat Christenson: I don’t care that the man has limbs like Slenderman, we are fighting, and it is on sight. Little gossip bitch boy. I would so win.
Antonio Garcia: No, I wouldn’t fight him cause he’s baby. But I could probably win.
hahahaha this made me snort in the sitting room, my dad’s got his concerned face on again.
is the entire reason you both got in trouble as kids
all he ever did was prank you when you were younger, but somehow you forgave him after every single time???
he has a scar right before his hairline with a story behind it. when you two were younger, you both decided that racing down a hill in a wooden wagon would be a good idea… needless to say, it didn’t work out too well for him. he cried the whole time he got stitches, so you held his hand so he’d be less scared.
you guys joke about hating each other all the time
but let it be known, if anyone else makes a cheap shot about the other to your faces, they better hide their face till the rest of their life
you guys don’t fight very often, but when you do…. holy shit
both you and Buck are very stubborn, so these fights can last up to WEEKS
you both make up in the end (partially because of your parents), but like all siblings, you both bring up how the other has wronged you all the time
always wants you to make food for him
bothers you all the time for no reason
you still love your big bro tho
- [ CHUCK GRANT]
oh dear oh no… chaos awakens
slaps you upside the head whenever you say something stupid
he’s that type of brother that everyone would expect to be super nice to you because he’s pretty chill, but NOPE
he’s basically another version of Joe but he pranks you more
convinced you once when you were 6 that you were adopted and you cried to your mom about it (he got in so much trouble)
mocks you when he has no comebacks
says one word that refers to something dumb you did in the past ALL THE TIME
many inside jokes together
you guys like to sit around and judge people around you when you go out in public together
you two are like “ew why would i hug my sibling” but you secretly love each other
calls you snitch and gives you the middle finger when you tell your mom that he hit you
don’t go in his room… just don’t
- [ BILL GUARNERE]
oh boy
you guys have… so many siblings
he’s lowkey jealous because he’s the second youngest (you’re the youngest) and he wants more attention
of course, he gets attention, but he’s such a baby
barges into your room for no reason (constantly scream-ranting about stuff when he comes in too)
tries to help you with your homework (key word: tries)
if you look at LITERALLY ANYTHING for more than three seconds while you both are out shopping, he’ll buy it for you
hates anyone you’ve ever dated… he always aggressively crosses his arms and glares at them when they come over for dinner
teaches you to make a bunch of your mom’s traditional dishes
eats all of your leftovers (often gets beaten with your hairbrush by you because of it)
gives you affectionate nicknames like “ugly”, “dumbass”, “stupid”, etc.
how sweet ☺️
- [ BABE HEFFRON]
THE ONLY 100% NICE BROTHER
occasionally covers for you when you sneak out
loves to do sunday spa night with you (the face masks are his favorite)
as much as i love him, he can be so friggin dumb
like when you ask him to ask your parents for something, he does that thing where he mentions your name when he asks (it’s so annoying but he means well)
goes into your room to steal your shit for no reason
he actually gives it back though
gives you the bigger piece of food when your mom forces you to split it
will murder you if you don’t let him control the radio
you get told that your brother is cute a LOT and you’re always like sis i don’t see it
- [ JOE LIEBGOTT]
THIS MOTHERFUCKER
OMG HE WOULD BE THE WORST SOMETIMES
you get in trouble for some of the things he does AND HE JUST LETS IT HAPPEN INSTEAD OF CONFESSING
always is like “come here” and then just fuckin slaps you for no reason
never says sorry but he buys you food as a silent apology so take what you can get
eats off your plate but won’t let you do it back
sometimes he just comes into your room and picks up stuff because he wants to hang out with you but he doesn’t know how to say that he wants to hang out
will fight people for you, but he also talks shit about you
no one else is allowed to do that though
if you wanna get under his skin, you go into his room
if you want to die, you take one of his Dick Tracey comics
he doesn’t care if you steal his shirts, just don’t touch the comics
- [ GEORGE LUZ]
jesus christ the DUO YOU TWO WOULD BE
trouble… make it double
catapults food at you with his spoon from across the dinner table
always says “i’m not touching you” even though his finger is like 3 inches away from your face
always spoils movies that you’ve never seen (he talks all the time during them too)
you two have inside jokes that NO ONE ELSE understands
you guys sit in the corner during every family gathering and mock people it’s what they deserve
puts another dish in the sink when you’re almost done with the dishes
kinda feels bad about it tho
actually apologizes to you…. but in like “hey, do you want food?” type of way instead of actually saying “i’m sorry”
comforted you when your ex cheated on you
he then convinced Joe to help him beat the kid senseless
- [ DONALD MALARKEY]
ANOTHER SWEET BROTHER
needs help with his homework…. please help him
doesn’t get super mad at you when he catches you using his stuff
will RKO you to get the passenger seat…. seriously, you have physical scars because of the fights over the front seat
if you tell him to shut your door on his way out of your room, he doesn’t do it
he almost shuts it, then slams the door open and suddenly turns into fucking sonic while running to his room
he doesn’t beat you up, he’s the one getting beat up
always tries to race you, even when you’re both adults
wakes up later than you but somehow always gets to the bathroom before you????
shares his food with you
brings you towels when you realize you forgot to bring one into the bathroom
older than you but acts so much younger than you
- [ LEWIS NIXON]
oh wow
daddy issues galore with both of y’all
will kill you if you touch his vat 69
not because he doesn’t want to share, but because he doesn’t want you to make the same mistakes he has also because he doesn’t want to share
honestly an unproblematic sibling
maybe just ruthlessly teases you, but that’s about it
helps you make every family dinner uncomfortable
your parents got sick of the tension, so both of you just eat dinner with each other in Lew’s room
hums beethoven while you’re trying to study to make you mad, you’re getting real sick of this shit
flirts with your friends… Lewis, you have a BOYFRIEND-
everyone tells you how hot your brother is and you’re just like wtf no
steals the good chair when you go to the bathroom
- [ FRANK PERCONTE ]
oh no
will NOT share his food with you like sis don’t even think about it
always trying to throw hands with you for no reason
his shirts fit properly though because he’s so short (just steal them all)
doesn’t curse you out in front of your mother but he does flip you off when she turns around
if he finds out a secret that you don’t want him to tell your parents HE BLACKMAILS YOU LIKE CRAZY
you will be waiting on him hand and foot for the next week
such a control freak for no reason
whines on road trips and always asks “are we there yet?”
says such dumb shit you genuinely don’t know how you’re related
helps convince your mom to get fast food
passive-aggressively cares for you
- [ EUGENE ROE ]
speaks to you only in french so you better start learning that shit real quick
you guys don’t fight much, but when you do, it’s just aggressive french noises
gives you lots of chocolate
you get told your brother is pretty ALL THE TIME and you are tired of it
he’s a passive aggressive caring type of person
so basically he’ll yell at you while feeding you because he’s worried that you didn’t eat enough
always put bandaids on you as a kid whenever you scraped your knees
you’re always asking him to cook you food because he’s the better cook
if you tell him a joke, don’t be surprised if it turns into a lecture
acts like a 3rd parent instead of a sibling tbh
he means well
you both stay up to ungodly hours of the morning in total silence
- [ RONALD SPEIRS ]
the sibling that you like??? never see???
he’s like the sibling that lives in the same house as you but is nothing like you
his door is always shut and he NEVER wants you in his room unless he invites you in
is also the type of brother that wants to hang out with you but has no idea how to tell you so he just goes into your room and touches things
always stealing your stuff, even if he can’t use it???
like he’ll go into your room and be like ya maybe i do need an unused tampon lemme take that
hovers around whenever you bring new friends over to the house
you opened his room door once, and let’s just say NEVER AGAIN
takes you to get fast food at like 3 am… he doesn’t know why
if you own literally anything he’s just like “it’s free real estate”
he never lets you drive his car, and often threatens to leave you on the side of the road and drive away if you keep messing with the radio
he would never do that
- [ FLOYD TALBERT ]
all of your pets like him more than you i’m sorry
he always has his friends over at the house… you think they’re cute & some of them hit on you
he’s literally stopped talking to some of his old friends because they liked you
petty as hell in a fight
he’s always in the bathroom, you can almost never go in there because he’s usually fixing his hair 24/7
always begs you to make him food because he doesn’t know how to do it himself
constantly tries to prove that he’s right by saying, “well, i’m older soooo”
he’s always trying to steal the remote while you’re watching TV so that he can change the channel (literally so rude)
he’s so petty when you guys play board games
if he doesn’t win he’ll probably get so upset that he’ll almost burn the house down
what a sore loser
he’s the type of sibling to snitch on you because he’s getting yelled at
- [ JOE TOYE]
oml he’s that type of brother to be so aggressive for no reason
you always ask him if it’s his time of the month and he looks like he’s ready to murder you every time
he’s that type of brother to be like “i barely touched you!” and there’s like this BIGASS red handprint on you
actually respects your space, so don’t ever take shit outta his room because he WILL find out and you WILL die
doesn’t know how to comfort you when you’re crying so he awkwardly pats your head while you sob into his shoulder
goes through phases of hating and loving you
like one moment you will be throwing stuff at each other and the next minute you’ll be singing disney duets
does petty things to get back at you
like he’ll put minced onions in your shoes and cut all the bristles off your toothbrush
always complains that he would never be able to get away with the stuff that you get away with now
lies about who won fights between the two of you (we all know he gets his ass beat)
in conclusion, he has a classic case of older sibling syndrome
- [ DAVID WEBSTER]
WOW SOMEONE ELSE WITH SOME EXTREME PARENTAL TRAUMA
he’s actually a very good brother ngl
even though he doesn’t understand some of your interest, he tries very hard to be supportive and turn up for all of your extracurricular events
i love him, but he can be a know-it-all dickhead, so don’t try and get into any arguments with him
the type of person to talk to you even though you clearly have headphones in and aren’t taking them out anytime soon
and then he’ll get mad at you for forgetting to do whatever he told you to do while you had your headphones in
is always convinced you’re going to die when you get sick because he looked up your symptoms online, and according to google you have stage 4 brain cancer now
helps you with your homework when you don’t understand it
willingly shares his food with you (rare sight to see)
judges you if you don’t read classic literature 24/7 (it’s fine you can bully him for being a nerd)
he feels bad because he knows your parents put pressure on you to be more like him
but he tells you that you don’t have to change and it’s good to be yourself
- [ DICK WINTERS]
a wholesome brother
lowkey another nagging parent though
wakes you up at the asscrack of dawn for no reason other than him wanting to have a morning swim for SiBLinG BoNDinG TiME
like sis chill out that can wait until at least 9
looks out for you all the time, even though you can take care of yourself
hardcore judges you if you do anything remotely scandalous
but he doesn’t tattle to your parents so at least be grateful for that
he’s like an old man, he doesn’t understand memes
helps you study for important exams
every teacher you have expects you to act just like him and be perfect so good luck
lowkey barges into your room but you get used to it
hey guys! should i do a part 2 with some people that i missed? i’m sorry i haven’t posted in a while, but i’m trying to get better about it…. this is lowkey inspired by an idea @noneofurbusinez gave me. have a fantastic week, you deserve it
