#cracking
I just…
My outlets have cycled from different blogs, to twitter, and have returned to this one.
The fact I still needoutlets is a frustrating thing. I can never be happy, but I’ve lived with this for so long, I really don’t know what it means to be happy. Or joyful. But damn, do I know how to fucking fake it.
I hurt so goddamn much inside, but I smile, and I know how to smile with my eyes, and my voice. I know how to fit in. I know how to make patients feel somewhat comfortable for the short time I’m with them. It can’t last long, but it’s enough, and it’s exhausting as hell. There’s a formula to fit in, to make people feel generally comfortable.
But I still hurt inside. Sometimes, alone, I make the outside match the inside. And pawn it off as a fall, or accidents from climbing or stumbling outdoors. But these cuts remind me that I’m still alive - whether that’s a good thing or bad, the jury’s relatively still out. I’m thinking it’s the latter.
I’ve made it this far, but recently for some reason it’s gotten tougher and tougher. I’m cracking, and I’m all out of glue.