#dinners

listing-to-port:

1. You thought it was going to be turkey, but this year turkeys voted against Christmas and so they are off the hook. The entities that voted for Christmas will have to take up the onerous task of being eaten, and it is a toss-up as to whether you are going to get elf stew, a pie with a high street retailer in it, or roast beard. Never fear, it may be possible to swap.

2. Someone asked if you wanted pigs in blankets, and you did say yes, so I suppose the situation is not all someone else’s fault. Nevertheless, the pigs are taking up a lot of room. They have probably warmed up by now and you could maybe take the space blankets off, but there remains the question of where they came from and when and how they are going to leave. At least they have eaten the sprouts.

3. Large, inedible wodge of political tensions, you could cut it with a knife but you probably don’t want to. Served up on a platter. We will be staying at the table until everyone has eaten some. Then we will have an enjoyable game of monopoly. You will laugh.

4. Due to global warming, everything has been moved up one season. Christmas dinner this year will occur in an extended Autumn (in the Northern hemisphere) and/or during a Venusian hyperSummer (in the Southern hemisphere). Expect either pumpkin spice duck or your hair to be on fire.

5. All your Christmases have come early, at once; they are stuck at the door now, elbowing and jostling each other to get in. There is very little time to waste. No doubt they will want dinner. You have a little time to sort something out. Be careful not to count them, not unless you want to know how many Christmases you have left. Just cook up whatever warm and filling food you have to hand and hope that it will be enough. After dinner they will all fall asleep and gradually drift back through time to where they belong. They do not expect presents. But they may bring you small things from the future.

6. Much in the spirit of roasting a bird in another bird, Christmas dinner is served up in a giant sprout. Cut into it and it will run with gravy and stuffing. Clear that layer away and you will come to one of pudding, complete with a custard centre at the heat of a thousand suns. Inside the custard is only Regret. Afterwards, time is set aside for a formal period of sitting on a sofa feeling dazed.

7. Christmas itself is on the menu this time. Which can only mean that there is some guest expected at the table that is capable of eating Christmas. The whole thing, trees and plastic and funfairs and all. After some consideration, you think that the Sun may be the long-anticipated guest. You call a space taxi to take you home early, but it will be a close-run thing.

With Sesame/Ginger Salad

Serves: 2-4

Ingredients:

•          4 Tilapia fillets
•          2 eggs (whisked)
•          1 cup of cake flour
•          3 medium sized lemons
•          6 medium sized potatoes
•          3 cups o Sunflower oil
•          Half a cup of Olive oil
•         1 clove of garlic (crushed)
•         1 tbsp of Sesame oil
•         1 tsp of Sesame seeds (lightly toasted)
•         1 tsp of fresh ginger (roughly crushed)
•         (regular & coarse) Salt and pepper (to taste)

Method:

1.     Allow fish fillets to marinade in the crushed garlic and juice of 1 lemon for 30-60 minutes. While waiting, prepare your potatoes. Peel the spuds and cut into freehand wedges, so that each chip will have its own shape. Stand them in (regular) salt water while heating the 3 cups of Sunflower oil in a deep saucepan.

2.     Test one chip to ensure that the oil is up to heat. Then, add handfuls of chips, ensuring that all are covered by the oil. Leave them undisturbed in the hot oil for a few minutes before stirring When they are golden-brown, remove from oil and place on absorbent paper (I use newspaper). Cook a second batch, if there are some left over. When all are cooked, sprinkle some coarse salt over the chips, and keep warm, but uncovered. In preparation for your fish, set up a frying pan and heat Olive oil.

3.     Place the whisked eggs and the flour into separate bowls, grind some black pepper into the flour and stir. Dip each fillet into the egg and then coat in the cake flour. Fry each fillet in the hot Olive oil for about 5-8 minutes, or until opaque. One done, remove and place on absorbent paper.

4.     For the salad dressing, simply stir the Sesame oil, seeds, ginger, and juice of one more lemon in a bowl, then drizzle over your favourite green salad.

5.     Serve a delicious fillet, or two, with a handful of chips, and squeeze some fresh lemon over your fillets for some zing! The salad will add some healthiness to this fried dish! Yummy!

With Linguine

Serves: 4

Ingredients:

•          1 large white onion (diced)
•          4 large tomatoes (diced)
•          2 cloves of garlic (minced)
•          1 small sprig of rosemary
•          1 small sprig of thyme
•          Tin of tomato puree
•          3 tbsp of virgin olive oil
•          Salt and pepper (to taste)
•          Freshly grated Parmesan (to taste)
•          1 packet of linguine

Method:

1.       Fry the diced onions in a heavy based saucepan with 2 tbsp of olive oil. When the onions are golden brown, add the minced garlic and both herbs, then the tomatoes. Simmer for 5 to 10 minutes.

2.       Fill a large pasta pot with 4 quarts of water, once boiling, add linguine and stir regularly.

3.       Add the tomato puree into the saucepan and stir over a lower flame. I usually add about 2 tsp of salt and pepper but adjust this according to your own taste.

4.       Drain the al dente pasta, and transfer into serving bowl. Toss pasta with 1 tbsp of olive oil.

5.       Serve pasta with a dollop of sauce and a sprinkle Parmesan cheese. Enjoy!

With Lemony Langoustine Fettuccine

Serves: 4

Ingredients:

•          3 large fennel bulbs (peeled)
•          2 tbsp of fennel seeds
•          2 cups of sugar
•          3 tsp of butter
•          1 tbsp of virgin olive oil
•          2 cups of frozen langoustine tails
•          Salt and pepper (to taste)
•          1 packet of fettuccine
•          1 medium sized lemon

Method:

1.       Take out langoustine tails to defrost while preparing your fennel bulbs. Slice fennel, vertically, each bulb should give about 6 slices. Get 2 tsp of butter melted in a large frying pan and throw in the fennel.

2.       Once all of the fennel is a nice golden brown colour on both sides, remove from pan and let 1 tsp of butter melt down. Then throw in you fennel seeds, let them get crispy and then add both cups of sugar. Let the sugar melt, then put the fennel back into the pan and coat it in the sticky, sweet sauce. Remove from heat and transfer to serving bowl.

3.       Get about 4 quarts of water boiling in a deep pasta pot, add the fettuccine and stir regularly. Test the pasta to your liking, I usually serve it al dente, and then drain it. Transfer to serving bowl and lather in tbsp of olive oil.

4.       Rinse the langoustine tails in warm water once thawed and add to pasta. Squeeze half a lemon into the pasta.

5.       Serve a slice, or two, of fennel with a pile of pasta. Bon appétit!