Secret Nation of it’s a small world Dolls Prepares for War
Speaking from its headquarters located somewhere in Burbank, CA, the secret nation of it’s a small world dolls has officially declared its intention of going to war.
“Although we are a peace loving nation, the time has come to defend our borders against the tyranny of ISIL,” said the adorable Minister of War Carlos Rodriguez in an official statement. “Brothers and sisters, the time has come to take up arms. The fate of your world, and the world around it, is in your tiny, plastic hands.
This will be the first time that the secret nation’s lovable, musical soldiers have been involved in armed conflict since 1968, when the nation became a major U.S. ally in the Vietnam War.(x).
Imagineers Horrifyingly Close to Building an Animatronic Donald Trump for Hall of Presidents
As the United States election looms ever closer, Disney Imagineers are becoming increasingly horrified at the prospect of having to build a Donald Trump animatronic figure for the Magic Kingdom attraction The Hall of Presidents.
“Like, imagine bringing your family to the Magic Kingdom, going to the Hall of Presidents, and Donald Trump is fucking there,” cried Imagineer Joe Rhodes at a press conference on Saturday. “If this guy gets elected, I wanna make it a Muppet-themed show. I can’t bear the thought of Trump on that stage.”
For reasons that are more than obvious, it is unknown whether or not the show’s current Morgan Freeman narration would remain should Trump be elected. Proposed replacement narrators include Duck Dynasty’s Phil Robertson and Clint Eastwood. The show’s current glorification of President Andrew Jackson is expected to remain regardless of the electoral outcome.(x).
Disney Announces Plan To Go Green By Recycling Ideas
Following the success of its recent barrage of live action remakes, Disney has announced its intention to continue recycling its intellectual properties into movies and theme park attractions, promising to cut emissions from original ideas 35% by 2020.
“Here at Disney, we care about everything green: money, trees, dollar bills, money, etc,” said Disney CEO Bob Iger at a press conference earlier today. “Our new Idea Recycling Initiative will cut originality within the company by 85%. By 2050, we could very well cut emissions of creativity completely.”
Guardians of the Galaxy: Mission Breakout! will open on the shattered corpse of the California Tower of Terror on May 27, 2017, with a replica coming to the Florida version of the Tower a year later.(x).
Disney Announces Plans to Build a Theme Park Next to the Tower of Terror
In an rare moment of giving-a-shit, Walt Disney Parks and Resorts has announced its intentions to build a theme park in the area surrounding the Twilight Zone™ Tower of Terror at Walt Disney World Resort in Orlando, FL.
“Though the current Tower of Terror gift shop includes a roller coaster and a Beauty and the Beast show, we believe there is great potential to build the area around the Tower into a full-fledged theme park,” said Disney CEO Bob Iger. “It’s about time that the Tower of Terror have a theme park surround it and eventually thematically overtake it.”
The new park, when it is completed in 2021, is expected to connect the Tower of Terror to several other small roadside attractions in the area. The park will include a both Star Wars-themed land and a Toy Story Land for when the Star Wars-themed land gets too crowded. The Tower of Terror will be overtaken and destroyed by the new park by 2017.(x).
New Disneyland Attraction Will Allow Guests to Literally Piss on Walt Disney’s Grave
Just in time for the 2017-2018 season, Disneyland Resort in Anaheim, CA has announced a new attraction that will, quite literally, allow resort guests to piss on the grave of Disney founder and namesake Walt Disney.
Usually a coveted practice reserved for solely for Disney’s corporate officials and creative heads, the experience of unleashing one’s excrement onto the remains of one of the greatest men of the 20th century will now be available to all resort guests by the spring of 2017.
“What we are trying to do is make the activity more accessible to more people,” says Walt Disney Parks and Resorts Chairman/actual James Bond villain Bob Chapek. “We have given guests a taste of this experience in the past, erasing the ‘Walt’ from the ‘Disney’ logo, but this attract offers groundbreaking immersion into the pissing act itself.”
The attraction, slated to open in March 2017, will be located on the remains of the soon-to-be-demolished Sleeping Beauty Castle.(x).
Banksy Reveals ‘Dismaland’ and Announces ‘War on Fun’
British street artist and pretentious douchebag Banksy recently revealed his newest art exhibit Weston-super-Mare, UK, which he has dubbed Dismaland. The piece features an array of elements, such as a decrepit castle and various artworks from all over the world, to satirize escapist and corporate theme parks around the world. In addition to the satiric abandoned theme park, Banksy also announced a War on Fun, which he plans to fight with dozens of art pieces on British streets that people may or may not pay attention to.
“Theme parks should have bigger themes, man,” Banksy stated, whispering through the doors of an abandoned Hot Topic in Topeka, Kansas. “Fun is frivilous. You should be mad at the world. ALL THE TIME. NO FUN. ONLY ANGER.”
Banksy, who was recently revealed to be 15-year-old Joshua Schmidt, is a British street artist and student at Claudia Taylor “Lady Bird” Johnson High School. In addition to his famous anti-society street artwork, Banksy is also president of his school’s Philosophy Club and is the lead singer of a Fall Out Boy cover band, Sell Out Boy. More information about Dismaland can be found on Joshua’s DeviantART page and his tumblr.(x).
D23 Highlights: Disney Actually Doesn’t Fuck It Up Too Badly
After a weekend of heavily anticipated announcements, Disney News Network recaps some of the highlights from this year’s D23 Convention:
Not Star Wars Land Announced for Hollywood Studios: Disney announced a major expansion in the immediate future for Disney’s Hollywood Studios that would not include Star Wars Land. This Not Star Wars Land will include several attractions to entertain guests of all ages, and will not include any of the locations and characters from the wildly successful Star Wars film franchise. An actual Star Wars Land will open in Disneyland Park (as Walt intended) and a replica will be built in Hollywood Studios whenever Imagineers get around to it.
Pixar to Phase Out Original Content by 2020: Pixar announced that due to a drought of original ideas, it will begin to phase out original content and completely end projects based on original ideas by the year 2020. With a sequel-based film plan, the company is expected to die out by 2035, but a sequel to the company, called Pixar 2, is currently in production.
Disney Apologizes for Frozen by Releasing Moana: Disney released a formal apology for the controversy and emotional damage left by Frozen by announcing details for Moana, a new animated movie coming to theaters next year. According to inside sources, the film is expected to fix all the bullshit that was wrong with Frozen and become the company’s new Supreme Film.
Avatarland Confirmed as Not a Cruel Joke by Disney Executives: After years of speculation that Avatarland was just some stale joke that Disney pulled on its fanbase or simply a front for a better attraction, Disney finally announced that Avatarland was indeed real. “We will take guests to a magical place in the stars, in the glorious far-off year of 2009,” said Imagineer Joe Rhodes. “It’s gonna be so cool. Just trust me.”
Hotel Opens For Guests Waiting in Line for Test Track
Following a string of guest complaints and deaths, Disney Imagineering has finally opened a hotel for guests waiting in line for the popular thrill ride, Test Track. The attraction, after its recent refurbishment, has drawn impossibly large crowds of people and maintained a constant wait time of approximately 2-3 weeks.
“I’ve been here for so long. I’ve missed my flight home. I don’t know where my family is. The hotel will help a lot,” said an unidentified bearded man who has been in line for an unspecified amount of time. “Our food rations are running low. I haven’t bathed in an eternity. But I still would never use the single rider line because I want to design my own car.”(x).
DNN D23 EXCLUSIVE: Stitch’s Great Escape Coming to Disney’s Hollywood Studios
At the D23 Disney NerdFest earlier today, Disney executives officially revealed plans for the long-awaited, billion-dollar expansion of Disney’s Hollywood Studios, which consisted entirely of blueprints for a replica of the Disneyland Classic, Stitch’s Great Escape.
“Hollywood Studios was built to make guests feel uncomfortable and awkward, from the eerie perpetual emptiness of the park to the constant, unnerving presence of the movie Frozen absolutely everywhere,” said Disney Imagineer Joe Rhodes. “Stitch’s Great Escape will fit right in!”(x).
Disneyland Becomes the “Second Happiest Place on Earth” After Shanghai Disneyland
In an unsurprising statement at this year’s D23 Expo, Disney Parks executives officially announced that Disneyland Park in California, widely known as the “happiest place on earth,” has officially been demoted to the second happiest place on earth after Disney’s newest park, Shanghai Disneyland, became the new happiest place on earth.
“Theme parks are a lot like children: you have to pick your favorites,” said Disney CEO Bob Iger in a press release. “Shanghai is gonna be so fucking awesome, man. Matterhorn can suck a dick; we have a motherfucking TRON coaster.”(x).
In a press conference earlier today, Walt Disney World executives announced that among the numerous additions and changes that are coming to the resort, a nuclear apocalypse segment will replace the current ending of the classic Magic Kingdom attraction, Walt Disney’s Carousel of Progress.
“We believe that this addition provides the show a much more exciting and realistic depiction of the future,” said senior Imagineer Joe Rhodes. “We watch our audio-animatronic family grow up in an ever-changing world, and now we will get to watch them burn to ashes in the inevitable nuclear holocaust.”
While many have questioned the family-friendliness of the addition, Imagineers have reminded critics that nobody really rides the Carousel of Progress anyway. (x).
Avengers (except for Black Widow) is a Hit With Audiences
This weekend’s release of the highly anticipated film Avengers: Age of Ultron saw record breaking crowds and glowing reviews, with audiences ecstatic to once again see their favorite characters in action (except for Black Widow).
“It was awesome!” exclaimed 13-year-old Kate Harris, a dedicated fan to the increasingly popular characters in the franchise (except Black Widow). “I love the Avengers (except for Black Widow) and I can’t wait for the next two movies (and not a Black Widow movie).”
The movie is expected to draw in large crowds for the several weeks and bring in millions of dollars from merchandising the lucrative characters (except Black Widow). Many of the heroes depicted in the movie (except Black Widow) will even be featured in individual movie franchises as stand-alone characters, in films such as Iron Man,Captain America: the First Avenger, not Black Widow, and Thor.(x).
Tomorrowland Projected to Make Dozens of Dollars at the Box Office
Following the recent successful releases of several live-action Disney films, such as Avengers: Age of Ultron andCinderella, Disney financial analysts have projected that the newest live-action film from the company, Tomorrowland, is on track to draw dozens of excited viewers from all over the world.
“We are so excited to share our latest non-Frozen endeavor,” said Disney CEO Bob Iger at a press conference earlier today. “This concept has immense potential as a franchise, and we can’t wait to ruin that potential with a watered-down, under-marketed, mediocre picture.”
Disney’s official synopsis of the film states, “[Tomorrowland] explores the power of love and friendship across the barriers of time and space. Also George Clooney is in it. And so is Space Mountain…yup….”
Following a series of failed attempts to take over the world and wipe out humanity, Disney has officially announced its newest plans for world domination.
“This time, we will be UNSTOPPABLE!” cackled Disney CEO Hannah Montana at a press conference earlier this week, in which she unveiled plans for over a dozen movies to be pumped out of the company over the next ten years. These films will be designed to control the minds of millions children around the world and force billions of dollars from the pockets of innocent civilians, eventually bringing the human race to its knees.
While it is almost certain Disney will succeed in its evil plans this time around, some remain skeptical. Experts point to the the failure of Disney’s last evil scheme of using action movies to take over the world, which was foiled by John Carter. It is uncertain, though, how effective live-action remakes and sequels will be in Disney’s newest attempt in world domination.(x).
After two years of speculation and political turmoil, Hillary Clinton, best known for her legendary role as the title character of the hit Disney Channel series Lizzie McGuire, officially announced that she would be running for president in 2016.
“I’m hitting the road to earn your vote — because it’s your time. And I hope you’ll join me on this journey,” she said in her video announcement posted later today. It is still unclear why she did not say, “Hey now, hey now, this is what America is made of,” because it would have been the perfect opportunity to do so.
Clinton is the second Disney character to announce a presidential bid, after Queen Elsa began a campaign a few weeks ago.(x).
In a shocking display at a press conference earlier today, Disney CEO Bob Iger revealed that he is, in fact, worldwide pop sensation Hannah Montana.
“I’m tired of living this double life,” Iger said solemnly, as he put on a blonde wig in front of a crowd of confused reporters. “Dang flabbit, I just wanna be me!”
“This definitely explains his recent absence in command,” says Disney analyst Jane Furrow. “Of course he neglected Hollywood Studios, ignored dozens of successful Disney franchises, and fostered a lack of general original content in this company for all these years! He was too busy being Hannah Montana!”
Iger declined to make an official statement to reporters, saying only, “Don’t forget to buy my new album Live Action Remake! available now on Amazon and iTunes!”(x).
Jar of Mayonnaise Casted to Play Live-Action Mulan
In a press conference earlier today, Disney CEO Bob Iger announced that the recently confirmed live-action remake of Disney’s Mulan will star a jar of mayonnaise as the title character.
“It’s not completely white,” said Iger, holding the jar of mayonnaise up for reporters. “It has olive oil in it, so it’s ethnic.”
The cast will also include an attractive British actor as Shang and a famous non-white comedian as the voice of Mulan’s sassy, animated animal sidekick.(x).
In an statement made this past Friday, Disney has announced that it would end its long-held tradition of nightly firework shows at its various theme parks around the world.
“Yeah fireworks cost money and stuff,” said Disney CEO Bob Iger at a press conference earlier today. “Why spend money on fireworks when we can buy a soLID GOLD 40-FOOT STATUE OF OLAF WEARING REALLY COOL SUNGLASSES TO REPLACE THE SORCERERS HAT??????”
A new nighttime show is in the works for Disney’s Magic Kingdom-style parks, in which guests will be invited to stand around the castle and imagine that there are fireworks in the sky. The current shows will end by September of this year.(x).
