#emotionalabuse
When they
Cherish you
and you sigh with relief
as if you’d been holding your breath
for your whole life.
It’s not that
you never deserved to be honoured
and held.
It’s not that you weren’t.
But
in the right way
at the right time
when you are ready to receive it…
when cherish means
where you are
how you are
As you are.
Sigh
because it’s real
Sigh
because a shallow breath is one of
subdued panic
Sigh
because you’re too weary to resist it
Sigh
because it’s safe.
And maybe you have been
Holding your breath
for your whole life
the unconscious fibres of your body
Braced.
Sometimes for every reason
sometimes for none.
Sigh
It’s been a long time
too long to turn away from love now.
Sigh
Let your body melt
Sigh
settle in
This is where you should have always been
and this is where you can stay.
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#healing #emotionalintelligence #consciousliving #consciousness #selfaware #personalgrowth #motherwound #growthmindset #intuition #lightwork #spirituality #emotionalabuse #boundaries #recovery #consciousmama #consciousparent #relationships #relationshipgoals #spiritualawakening #awakening #empath #selfcompassion #divinepartnership #truelove #gentlelove #lovepoem #lovenotes (at Lethbridge, Alberta)
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Is this what I’ve been testing the boundaries of?
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Scraping the surface of a world that is *not* a trauma world. The internal Death Mother lives on and tries to drag me back down. It’s working.
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Even if I am not quite convinced of a world that doesn’t require trauma-responses as a navigation system, where hypervigilance is unnecessary, I am still willing to believe that it might be there, waiting for me.
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Not waiting passively. Actively waiting. Life beckons us and only we get to decide whether we will answer, not whether we are worthy.
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Like all parallel realities, I can choose which timeline I will enter into. Trauma-World or Supportive Universe.
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The Death Mother says that even if the Supportive Universe exists, I am not worthy of it.
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The great hoax of the mind is that worthiness isn’t earned, it is granted the moment we show up. If you show up, you are already worthy.
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Trauma-World is terrifying. I don’t want to live here anymore.
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#healing #emotionalintelligence #consciousliving #consciousness #selfaware #personalgrowth #motherwound #growthmindset #intuition #lightwork #spirituality #emotionalabuse #boundaries #recovery #consciousmama #consciousparent #relationships #relationshipgoals #spiritualawakening #awakening #empath #selfcompassion #traumaworld #deathmother (at Ottawa, Ontario)
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On this enlightening Aquarius full moon — free yourself.
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Even if they are lying
Even if they’ve twisted the story
Even if there were extenuating circumstances
Even if it’s cost you other relationships
Even if they were wrong
Even if you did your best
Even if you’ve already apologized
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Let them have their story
Let them barter for pity
Let them seduce new lovers
Let them fool their selves
Let them lie
Let them live in their skewed reality
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Let them & Let it Go.
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When we allow them this freely — and focus on rebuilding our lives FORWARD — we make them utterly and completely irrelevant.
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#healing #emotionalintelligence #consciousliving #consciousness #selfaware #personalgrowth #motherwound #growthmindset #intuition #lightwork #spirituality #emotionalabuse #boundaries #recovery #consciousmama #consciousparent #relationships #relationshipgoals #spiritualawakening #awakening #empath #selfcompassion #letgo #moveon #fullmoon (at Alsask, Saskatchewan)
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The remedy is to keep on creating
for inspiration owes me
nothing.
Art is the product of
my duty to myself
my obligation to serve.
There isn’t any success or failure here
Art is the path on which I walk
Art is the footprints I leave behind
Art is the discipline to always return.
Inspiration says,
Do you want to play again?
Art is the answer, which is always
Yes.
Art is not my baby
to follow, feed, and protect.
I don’t hold that power
No one does.
I am the creator
I am the created.
I do not give birth to art
It gives birth to me.
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#healing #emotionalintelligence #consciousliving #consciousness #selfaware #personalgrowth #motherwound #growthmindset #intuition #lightwork #spirituality #emotionalabuse #boundaries #empath #selfcompassion #creativity #poem #poetry #creative #bigmagic #inspiration #art #artist (at Drumheller, Alberta)
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“Self Forgiveness: conceding that you could not possibly have known what you did not know before you finally knew it.” — @elizabeth_gilbert_writer
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#selfforgiveness #knowing #innerpeace #innerguidance #forgiveness #healing #emotionalintelligence #consciousliving #consciousness #selfaware #personalgrowth #motherwound #intuition #lightwork #spirituality #emotionalabuse #boundaries #recovery #consciousmama #consciousparent #relationships #relationshipgoals #awakening #empath #selfcompassion (at Calgary, Alberta)
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Day 1-2: Camping in the Livingstone PLUZ. This is a secret spot — turn right after the bridge type deal — there’s a staircase and a steep driveway down to the spot. It’s in the elbow of a creek nestled in a stand of trees surrounded by forest. All the other “good spots” are up the hill, so you’re only likely to see people if they’re walking up the creek to fly fish.
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We decided to stay two nights so we could have a full 24 hours of “nothing to do, no where to be.” Something that’s been unheard of in our world for months on months.
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God, we have worked so hard for all of this. Months on months of working too many hours while still trying to maintain a “lifestyle” and save up money.
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Right now it’s 6pm and we’ve only been driving for a few hours today. When me and T van-camped England I just drove when I felt like it and stopped when I didn’t. Sometimes we drove all night and sometimes we drove just for a few hours.
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For now, we are going to keep on going. It’s the long weekend in Canada so camp sites might be full anyways ♀️♀️
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#roadtriplife #crosscanada #exploreBC #healing #emotionalintelligence #consciousliving #consciousness #selfaware #personalgrowth #motherwound #growthmindset #intuition #lightwork #spirituality #emotionalabuse #boundaries #recovery #consciousmama #consciousparent #relationships #relationshipgoals #spiritualawakening #awakening #empath #selfcompassion (at British Columbia)
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when we moved in together
we bought a few little things
a soap dispenser
shower curtain and caddy
some drapes for the bedroom
all of it replaceable
except
it reminds me of home, now
because home is with him.
the shower curtain
is a little slice of heaven
from our first home
so I suppose
these little things
can come, too.
wish turns to prayer
let everything leave me
and let me leave everything
except those things that remind me
how I loved myself
and how we loved each other.
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#poetry #writing #spilledink #newpath #journeybound #healing #emotionalintelligence #consciousliving #consciousness #selfaware #personalgrowth #motherwound #growthmindset #intuition #lightwork #spirituality #emotionalabuse #boundaries #recovery #consciousmama #consciousparent #relationships #relationshipgoals #spiritualawakening #awakening #empath #selfcompassion (at Table Mountain (berg i Kanada, Alberta))
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The purging started
with a humble wish
please
let me leave this entire life behind
and the life before that
and the life before that
and the life before that.
Can this be the real beginning?
Can I, me, can she
start here.
I go through the boxes
and I go through the drawers
and it all feels so heavy
seeped in guilt and memory
and I feel as though
if I could just get rid of
all of it
maybe my heart would feel whole again.
how can an object
of such inconsequential appearance
rip my guts out?
how does a bit of metal
pendants on chains
make me cry myself to sleep?
If I can just get rid of all of it
I can be new.
And yet, there’s that little vase
and I remember how much I loved myself when I bought it.
Little twelve year old me
thought enough of me
thought enough of an artist
my dad said
why?
with that typical look
of superior knowledge.
she shrugged
I shrugged
I brought it home
and loved it
so, maybe the vase can come with me.
wish became prayer
let everything leave me
and let me leave everything
except those things that remind me
of how I loved myself.
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#poetry #writing #leaving #newpath #healing #emotionalintelligence #consciousliving #consciousness #selfaware #personalgrowth #motherwound #growthmindset #intuition #lightwork #spirituality #emotionalabuse #boundaries #recovery #consciousmama #consciousparent #relationships #relationshipgoals #spiritualawakening #awakening #empath #selfcompassion (at Lethbridge, Alberta)
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I just need to take a second to appreciate everyone, including myself, in this situation who was working HARD on themselves before COVID-19. Dealing with depression, coupled with past or current emotional abuse is TOUGH. I came across this response I sent to someone from my past who was attempting to make me feel like shit for sticking up for myself, and I am so inspired by my badassery in this moment:
1/30/2019
“I think it’s really weird that I’ve hung out with you like maybe three times and you feel the need to do this strange “The Hills” style confrontation. I get that I’m referring to people that are your close friends, but it still seems unnecessary. I know you are just a confrontational person, so i’m not taking it personally. Also I’m confident as fuck, so I’m kinda psyched there’s people out there that talk about how I think I’m better than them rather than just block me. I had a lot of strained relationships with my old friend group and my ex. But I hope y’all move on, and spend time repairing broken bridges with people who actually matter to you. That’s what I did, and I’m much happier for it.”
All of the strength, and confidence you have worked on might be challenged during what’s going on in the world, but remember how far you got. I remind myself everyday, that everything is temporary. There will be an end to this. It’s easy for someone who struggles with mental illness to slip into old habits when the world feels like it’s falling apart around you. We don’t have the same support systems we usually do, and it’s easy to let yourself go. Don’t let it happen, fight for yourself, and your mental health. We can do this. It’s gonna be okay.
I was humming along to a song trying to feel positive and I can’t even do that right according to my dear mother.
Feeling trapped.
