#excerpt from the book ill never write
It was a mere summer daydream, it wasn’t supposed to go far. It was to be short and sweet, like ripping a band aid off, quick and painless. But the more time I spent with him, the more the infatuation grew. I didn’t care that he wasn’t six pack ripped. I didn’t care that he had fading pimples, or random tattoos. He took me out of my boundaries. He was new. And I soon found myself tracing the freckles that covered his nose and back, I found myself running my hands through his messy hair, and smiling into his sparkling blue eyes whenever he caught me staring. He was beautiful, and he made me feel the same. Our time together was a magical experience; the sneaking out in the pitch-dark of night, climbing out of motel room windows and smoking Marlboro reds. Lying on the basketball court side-by-side talking to one another under the thousands of stars. Car journeys, shopping, sleeping together, watching the meteor shower cuddled under a blanket, hands entwined.
It all happened so quickly, and ended the same way.
A bittersweet love affair.
Once I lost you, I began to look for you, I’d look for you in the men I would date. I’d go for the men with messy blonde hair and sky blue eyes, but would run for the hills after realising they didn’t sound like you, they didn’t kiss like you nor did they listen like you. I started listening for you in songs: picturing the way you used to tap your thumbs against the steering wheel to the beat of the music we’d play in the car. I began to look for you in books; reliving our experience through someone else’s words and perspective. I began smoking those Marlboro cigarettes you always used to smoke, trying to be closer to you even though you were out of reach. I played our playlist everyday, on repeat, imagining we were still in your car singing along to every song. And then I started looking for you in my dreams, replaying the time we spent together over and over again, trying to chase after the memories, knowing I would never be able to replay them again. I tried everything, just to feel close to you - to feel the connection I feared I would never be able to find again.
Maybe one day you’ll call me and tell me that you’re sorry too.
