#wnq poetry

“Sometimes you don’t realize there is underlying trauma until it surfaces to the top, and you wonder where it’s been all along and why it resurfaced when you were getting better. But that’s when you realize that it’s a test that must be passed, a wave that must be surfed and a scar that must be filled. And once it’s all passed, you can begin to heal again. And you realize the beauty that you can always, always heal again, and again.”

- g.d (limitless)

“And she looked at the moon and asked if this was how life was supposed to be. If it was supposed to be hard and tiring. The moon smiled at the young girl wistfully and sighed. She knew that everything was wrong and she couldn’t fix it except listen to her woes and show up for her almost everyday. She was let down by everyone and would be let down by her as well. But at least she’d see the little stars she’d leave behind to be there for her constantly. It wasn’t enough but she hoped she’d realize that those who cared would always stay or leave things about themselves behind to be remembered by. And that they were never truly gone. And for that moment she shone a little brighter and stayed a little longer to listen to her woes before she disappeared for another day.”

-g.d. (moon and stars)

“I want to wrap myself around you, to surround you with everything I have, everything I am. To hold you so tight that you forget where you begin and where I end. To consume you but also free you. I want to be everything you ever wanted and everything you thought you’d never need. I want to hold you so tight and make you realize that you’re always going to be enough, enough for me. I want to whisper words I’ve always said but never meant and lull you to sleep with them. I want to hold you so tight that you’ll believe me even as you drift off into a world where I’ll never be able to visit with you. I love you. I love you. I love you.”

- g.d (allow me to be the one you need)

abrighterspark:

don’t be my lover,

just be my love

i’ll lust from a distance;

that’s more than enough

i’m legless; a stumbling stupor of a someone
trying to stand on their own

falling, failing
finding enough courage once more

learning my legs can be borrowed
when i can’t find a thought

because inspiration is a collective;
not individually caught

dusk turns to dawn

and we trip over our hearts in the dark

collecting them…

weighing them

knowing we might grow apart

but hoping our love will last

stop and watch the sunset;

a pause, a breath…

a reset

“you were my first love and you always will be. i can’t say i don’t miss you but i cannot keep you here with me forever. the memory of the person you used to be is slowly fading and i’m starting to forget what it felt like to love you. what it felt like being loved by you. i see you with her and i resent you. i’m scared that my memories of you as my first love will be overshadowed by the destruction you caused in the end.”

— s.c. (accepting change)

“I’ll always secretly wish that the honor of being my first love went to someone more noble, honest, and deserving. I would never want to relive the 6 years of my life with you, especially if it would’ve ended in the same pain and destruction. But even though my heart sometimes fills itself with regret at allowing myself to become so misguided by my blinding love for you, I understand it was all necessary. It was necessary to surrender myself to the suffering you caused me to grasp the importance of knowing my own worth. To understand that I must put myself before anybody else. For the rest of my life the scars you left on my heart will shake when I think of my first love. But they will guide me in making decisions that will fulfill me. I have taken a lot of lessons away from loving you, like following my intuition and respecting myself enough to remove myself from toxic situations. And understanding that the way you treated me is the stark opposite of what I deserve. Most of all, loving you taught me that you cannot have bliss without suffering, simply because you do not know what true happiness is without feeling the deepest sadness.”

— s.c. { i will be happier than i’ve ever been and i owe it all to the way you destroyed me }

The thoughts are destroying me, the silence is deadly.

I still remember how beautiful you and I were. Our love radiating off our faces. Back when the world was still alive.

I gave you my soul and you only gave me a piece of your heart

- KS

the darkness, the madness
i’m attracted to the sadness
the discomfort in your eyes
every time your heart aches
the pain makes you insane 
fills every corner of your brain 
i want you under my veins
but i try so hard to refrain
mama told me to watch my steps
when it came to demons like you
but you take my breath away
every time you walk into the room
but you’re the devil fighting your demons
which makes you an angel in my eyes 
you’re so lost, yet to serene
digging deep ends for a way to survive. 

- i think your sad eyes are kinda nice | @heavyemptyheart

We haven’t spoken for a couple of months after I left, because I was losing myself in the process of loving you. We were toxic for each other, we both know that. But all I can remember is the beautiful moments and laughter we shared. And looking back at those moments, I suddenly forget why I left.

You showered me with lovely words from the very beginning, even when I told you I don’t fall in love easily. When I finally let my guard down and gave in to your love, you changed. Your friendly manners turned mean and the goodnight calls disappeared into thin air. This is why I don’t let people in.

I can’t listen to shitty breakup songs about you leaving me, because I am the one who left. You drove me to the point where I just couldn’t take it anymore. And that doesn’t mean that I don’t love you anymore, it just means that I lost myself in the process of loving you.

You always told me I shouldn’t worry about her. She was just a friend, you said. I notice the way you talk about her with that spark in your eyes. You used to look at me like that. What did I do to deserve your betrayal? Am I not good enough?

I’d like to believe we will meet each other again when we’re slightly older. Maybe then we could love each other unconditionally, and nothing will be in our way. Maybe we will be right for each other. Maybe.

I can’t believe we went from strangers to friends, from friends to lovers, and then turned into strangers again. I shared everything with you, even my darkest secrets. But now a simple hello seems too hard to say. How did we get here?

I don’t want to lose you in my life but we can’t be together the way I want us to be. I guess I’ll have to accept to only have half of you, just so I won’t lose all of you.

You always told me I would be better off without you. I used to think you were just insecure and you wanted the absolute best for me. That wasn’t the reason. It actually was a warning. I am better off without you and you knew it all along. It just took me a bit longer to figure this out.

As time passes by and memories start to fade, I’m beginning to see the red flags I missed when we first started talking. I used to make excuses for all the rude things you said, but I’m starting to realise it wasn’t okay at all. Maybe I truly am better off without you.

You’re still on my mind. I tend to remember the laughter we shared, but not the tears I wept every single night because you made me miserable. Why is it that every time we go through a heartbreak, we only remember the good parts?

I met you in february last year, and I had to leave you exactly twelve months later. These months were both the best, but also the worst months of my life. You made me feel so happy in the beginning, but most of the time you made me miserable. Leaving you was one of the hardest things I had to do. Sometimes I regret it, but I’m starting to be happy that for once, I chose myself.

It was a mere summer daydream, it wasn’t supposed to go far. It was to be short and sweet, like ripping a band aid off, quick and painless. But the more time I spent with him, the more the infatuation grew. I didn’t care that he wasn’t six pack ripped. I didn’t care that he had fading pimples, or random tattoos. He took me out of my boundaries. He was new. And I soon found myself tracing the freckles that covered his nose and back, I found myself running my hands through his messy hair, and smiling into his sparkling blue eyes whenever he caught me staring. He was beautiful, and he made me feel the same. Our time together was a magical experience; the sneaking out in the pitch-dark of night, climbing out of motel room windows and smoking Marlboro reds. Lying on the basketball court side-by-side talking to one another under the thousands of stars. Car journeys, shopping, sleeping together, watching the meteor shower cuddled under a blanket, hands entwined.

It all happened so quickly, and ended the same way.

A bittersweet love affair.

He told me smoking was bad for me, I never thought he would turn out to be worse. He was the type of person that got stuck, not only in my head, but in my veins too. The type I wrote poetry about, but wouldn’t introduce to my parents. He lit a fire inside of me, and then left me to burn out. I didn’t need to kiss him to feel the sparks, every time his fingertips brushed across my skin, my heart would race like a Maserati. My skin erupted in goose bumps, and my stomach filled with butterflies. And every time his lips met mine, I felt like I was on ecstasy. He was the closest thing to love I ever felt, and now that he’s gone I don’t want to feel it again. When he kissed me for the last time, my heart felt this loneliness; I still haven’t recovered from it.

- an illicit affair

New York wasn’t the same without you. I never once thought for a second that a city, so vast and overpopulated could ever make me feel so lonely. But that’s exactly what it did. I could see your face everywhere, almost like you were haunting me. Guilt following me wherever I went. I shouldn’t have been thinking of you. But I saw you on street corners laughing drunkenly with your friends. I saw you in Central Park, smoking cigarettes. I saw you at the Highline - looking out at the skyline. And then I saw you, outside the hotel - teary eyed, arms outstretched - begging me to stay. And then I saw myself, shaking, with wet cheeks from the tears streaming down them, turning around and walking away from you. And as I stepped into the yellow taxi, you disappeared, faded away like you did 7 years ago. What would have happened if I stayed? If I didn’t get into the elevator?

New York left me lonelier than I was after I left you. I guess it’s my karma - you always had a way of coming back to me. Without you, my vision of New York is tainted - haunted by you.

You walk across that dirt road, and make your way towards the lake, our lake. And you’ll sit on the hill, under the tree and you’ll light one of those Marlboro cigarettes you always used to smoke. And you begin to remember. It’s been nearly two years, but you still remember. You remember it all perfectly. You’ll remember the songs we listened to, and argued over. You’ll remember the first time we sat there at sundown and how we spoke endlessly for hours. About everything, I learned about your fears and you learned about my dreams.

And you’ll remember the first time you kissed me, and you’ll remember the last. Then the sun will eventually fade into the horizon and the dark will creep it’s way in, and you’ll realise that it’s over. We don’t get second chances in this life, and we can hold on and hold out but nothing will change it. All we have is the memories, those bittersweet memories that are far too precious to let go of. Without them, it would have all been just a dream. A picture perfect dream. But you’ll be there in our spot, and you’ll remember everything as if it were yesterday - and you’ll wonder where it all went wrong, and you’ll think about the timing, and what it could have been, what we could have been.

A diary excerpt

America - summer, circa 2015

You did it again,

You did it again.

Poison ivy twisting around your neck, just like last time.

“Why are you crying?” “you don’t have any reason to be fucking crying” “what’s the matter with you now?”

You’re mid panic attack, he can’t see that. He never sees that. He just assumes you’re pissed off at him, that’s always the case. You’re not allowed to be quiet, you’re not allowed to sit in silence with your thoughts without being rude and pissing him off. You’re not allowed to be annoyed or upset - you’re feelings aren’t valid, you’re manipulating him, you’re crying to make him feel bad. You’re mid panic attack, and he’s lashing out at you, making you feel worse than you already do.

You’re shrinking,

you’re shrinking.

Disappearing, diminishing, soon you’ll be nothing. You think that’s want he wants. You’re hurting, worse than before. And he can’t help you, you’re not even sure if he wants to help you. You feel like he leaves and goes out to get relief from you, to get away from the emotional baggage and grief you cause him.

You’re crumbling onto the hardwood floor, you wish the floor would just swallow you up. You think about leaving, maybe one day you will.

This road is treacherous.

You can’t just let things go, because you’re not the one causing someone pain - he is, he’s causing you pain. So when you argue and bicker he’s always okay because you’ve never hurt him, he’s always the one hurting you. You’re always the one to go to bed with tear stung eyes and an aching heart. You’re the one that wakes up the next day with open wounds that haven’t healed yet He can forget and let go because he isn’t hurting, he hasn’t felt the pain of your knife plunging into him, because you’d never stab him. You can’t forget about the words he spits at you because there’s always truth in them, he wouldn’t say them if he didn’t mean them.

So when he comes home at 3am expecting a warm bed and heart to cuddle up to, you won’t be there - you will be this time, but as time passes and things worsen, one day, he’ll return to an empty room, vacant of any trace of you - the same way your heart will be vacant of him.

We’ll be a fine line

Maybe one day, I will find someone else to love, But I know it will never be a love like ours. It might fill me up with happiness - but it will never replace the love that we had. He might know me, But he won’t know me the way you did, the way you do. He won’t know to give me the grape flavoured candies out of the bag of Jolly ranchers - you know they were always my favourite. He won’t know the way I drink my coffee; strong with that French vanilla creamer you know I loved. He won’t know to squeeze my thigh when that one Ed Sheeran song plays, I always cry when that one song plays, but I didn’t when you were with me. He won’t know to make me a grilled cheese at barbecues - you know how much I hate grilled meat. He won’t know what I’m thinking without even asking me - only you could do that. He won’t be able to read me like an open book - that was your job. He won’t know to push me up against walls and steal a kiss from me - that’s always reserved for you. He won’t know what playlist to play when we drive - that will always remain ours. He won’t know me, I don’t think anyone will ever know me the way you did, the way you still do.

- You were a moment in life that comes and goes.