#hole in my heart

4/15/22

When we talked A couple of months ago N realized it was my birthday. She asked if I was going to do anything special. Since it was on a Wednesday I had no plans and no one else had planned anything for the weekend. She was surprised said she wanted to buy me lunch. I had a bunch of things going on so I pushed it out a few weeks. Last month we finally met for lunch. N lives 40 miles away and offered to meet in the middle. So we met at this place at 1 and she gives me this big full body hug. I was thoroughly enjoying it. I said that I don’t get these very often. She said it’s been a while for her too. 

So we sat outside and had lunch and talked. Next thing I know it’s 3. I asked if she wanted to go on a walk or something. She said sure. About a mile away there was a county park with a bunch of trails that neither one of us had been to before. There were some slight grades but over all the trails were pretty easy. I think we walked and talked for a while. When we got back it was 5. It had been a good day and I needed to get going. She told me her best friend’s husband likes to grab her boobs sometimes. I did some of that. I also fondled her ass as we were hugging goodbye. She didn’t stop me or say no. She wanted to do a walk again soon. So after a closed mouth kiss on the lips we planned to get together in a few weeks. 

So two Thursdays ago she sends me a text out of the blue asking if I want to go see a band with her Saturday evening. I said sure and I asked how much tickets were and she said $40. I said I’d pay her for mine since she bought it already. She said no and that it was her treat. Ok. 

So the plan was that I’d drive up to her place since she wasn’t far from the venue and we’d take an Uber there. I got to her place just before 5 figuring that would allow us to figure out where to get some food before the show. There was one place around the corner from the venue that she said was good. 

So the Uber dropped us off and unfortunately the restaurant was closed. So the only other option was to eat at the venue. There was already a line so we got in place. The doors would open at 7 and by now it was 6:40. 

Some guy our age walked up to us with his phone in his hand stopped and asked N “is this you?” He showed her the pic. Sure enough it was him and her at the last concert for the band we were seeing. Noel was a little embarrassed. She later told me that she was really drunk that night and I guess he got her to pose for a selfie with him. She said her problem is that she’s a little “too friendly” talking with people and that’s how she gets in trouble sometimes. Looking up at the line she recognized a few other people who saw the band at the last show too. 

So the doors opened and we went inside. The venue itself was an old theater that since the ‘60s had many legendary bands play. We walked down the hallway and dropped our jackets off at coat check and then went into the auditorium. She wanted to be right at the foot of the stage so she staked her claim. 

So now that we were there what to do about food? She said she’d hold our spot while I went to get the food. She went to grab a beer and when she came back I went for food. 

So at the end of the hallway where we’d come in was a sign that said “FOOD” with an arrow pointing to the stairs. I climbed the steep stairs and made my way into this large room with tables and chairs loosely assembled in the middle and barstools along the wall. At the front was where there orders were taken. All along the walls were hundreds of posters from all of the bands and acts from the ‘60s and ‘70s. As a fan of Rock N Roll, these walls were truly hallowed.

When I was next to be served I took a quick glance at the menu and realized I had no idea what N wanted. The cashier said the tables had QR codes for the menu. I wished I’d known this sooner. I let the folks that had had gathered behind me go while I scanned the code. I texted her the menu and waited to see what she was going to get. Finally she said the quesadillas. I got back in line and ordered the food. She suggested I eat my dinner up at the restaurant and bring her dish when I was finished. I ate my chicken tacos and headed downstairs. The place had filled up and the opening act was about to start. Perfect timing!

The opener was a guy who’s name I’d heard of but I didn’t recall who he played with. I didn’t know any of his songs until he played the last one. That one I did remember. It was kind of weird seeing a guy that once had long hair and dressed in spandex now wearing slacks and a sport coat with short hair. 

So N warned me that she might get out of hand when the band we came to see got on stage. When the band took the stage from the first note she was jumping up and down. As the guitarists and bass player made their way across the stage in front of us she’d hold out her hands. The rhythm guitarist tossed her a pick and she caught it. 

During the show she would sometimes put her arm around me and leaned her head on my shoulder. I put my arm around her. Before long she was bouncing to the beat again. 

The bass player worked his way to our side of the stage again and she held out her hand and he tossed her a pick. Only this time she didn’t catch it. It disappeared on the floor behind her. She and others looked down at the floor trying to see where the pick was. Finally some guy behind us picked it up. She flew into a rage and tried to get the pick from him. He wasn’t having it. They had words and flipped each other off. I thought they were going to fight. I put my hand on her shoulder to try to bring her in. Finally some guy, possibly one for the venue staff intervened and separated them. She was pretty pissed about that guy getting “her” pick. I said if it hits the ground it’s fair game for anyone to grab. She calmed down and eventually apologized to him. All over a pick. 

So the rest of the show went fine and when it ended she grabbed my hand and went to go talk to some people she knew. Finally the staff started kicking us out so she grabbed my hand again and we made our way to coat check and headed outside. She called for another Uber and while we were waiting some guy stopped to talk to us about the show. Turns out he’s a guitar player and he showed us a video of him playing from a few years ago. 

By now our Uber had showed up and we headed back to her place. 

By the time we opened her door it was just after midnight. We talked about the show and sat shoulder to shoulder on the couch and shared the pics we took.

She went to get a beer and came back sat a couple of feet away and we continued to talk until 1:30. Then she shot me this weird look with expressive eyebrows. I had no idea where she was going with this so I played along and raised my eyebrows. Finally she said if I wanted to stay I could sleep in the guest bed. “No funny stuff”, she said. Without missing a beat she said she had eggs she could make for breakfast. I had sort of made plans with another friend and without knowing for sure if they were going to happen I decided that I would just go home. She gave me a hug and a kiss and walked me out. She asked me to text her when I got home.

In the hour it took me to drive home I thought about the evening. She made it very clear at the end that I was not going to be sleeping in the same bed with her. And though it didn’t come as a shock but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little disappointed. 

I got home a little after 2:30. Maybe sleeping in her guest bed wouldn’t have been a bad idea. I texted “I’m home. Thanks for a fun evening”. I went straight to bed. 

The next morning when I got up I saw that she had returned my text a few minutes later. She said “thanks for the best fun I’ve had so far this year. Nite nite”.

I didn’t hear from her at all Sunday but Monday she asked if I wanted to see another band in October. I checked my calendar, seeing that was open I said sure. As it is we’re going to see a baseball game in June. She likes me as a friend. I have to decide if I can be happy with that.

I was looking through our past texts and since we started talking again last October there’s hardly been two weeks where we haven’t spoken to each other. Maybe in some way she feels sorry for me. Maybe that’s just in my head.  

Heartache is lying on the bedroom floor, trying your damn hardest to breathe while at the same time wondering why it all went wrong and how you’re going to get up and pretend that everything is alright, and what the hell you’re going to do about that hole in your chest…yeah, that’s my heartache.