I’m always thinking and thinking and over thinking about everything I say and do because I’m trying to figure out why it’s so easy for people to leave me like I wasn’t worth anything in the first place even though I try so hard to be perfect but as usual I’m not good enough

I’m too intense, too weird too this too that I’m so done with everything, so tired of this life and the people in it tried of being someone’s second choice, tired of if I make a mistake I can’t get a second chance tired of everything and everyone if I die it wouldn’t matter that much anyways

11/2/2020

I’ve come to realize there is something deeply wrong with me and as much as I try not to be, I am a toxic person maybe not to others most likely just to myself but it’s probably the truth. I try my best to be a good person, a good friend but the feeling of being a outcast and the persistent thoughts that I’m not good enough and that I’m stupid control my mind. I hate the way I think, I hate that I don’t get it on the first go, I hate that I always feel like I’m the reason why everything comes apart. The feeling of consent numbness also makes not want to do anything but laying in bed.

Day 72 of college

Why bother try, we all die anyways, might as well end it

At the end of the day, you only have yourself. People will never remember everything you did for them, only the things you didn’t.

I just need one person. To never give up on me. Just one.

You don’t need water to feel like you’re drowning.

I’m the type of person that will sit in the bathroom and cry, but then walk out like nothing ever happened.

Brain: You can’t eat all that foot.

Binge: Watch me.

Ana: WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU DONE YOU FAT, WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT?!

Me: I’m so sorry, oh god.

Mia: It’s okay sweetie, come here…♡

Therapist: How are you feeling?

Me: I don’t know.

Welcome to our society…

…it fucking sucks!

Depression: I want you to suffer.

Me: But I was happy at the moment.

Depression: Five minutes is enough. Now suffer!

Emotional breakdowns

Have you ever broke down sobbing after so long of being strong? Crumbled to the floor, hands by your face. Your face scrunches up and you let out that first gasp. You try to be quiet but eventually it becomes loud, heartwrenching sobs. You cry and cry, so much you can’t breathe. You ask whoever is up there, “Why? Why me? Why this? Why can’t I just be dead?” You say you want to end it all right there right then. You sob, trying to gasp breaths in between. Eventually you completely collapse on the floor after, and you just lay there, numb.

Physical pain takes away emotional pain.

“I draw with silver, and it turns red.”

- magic

You’re the one who knows me best, tell me why I’m depressed.

Everyone has that one friend, they’d choose over anyone. To talk to, hang out with, it doesn’t matter. They’re always the first choice. I get an empty feeling in my chest, when I realize I’m not that friend to anyone.

Because the pain of looking in the mirror hurts more than starving.