#how to set boundaries
Setting boundaries : Saying NO
Setting boundaries can be difficult. It’s easier said than done, and often, when the situation changes, our boundaries seem to change too.
That guy who you can’t get out of your mind ghosted you for two weeks, so you decided to forget about him - now he’s texting you again. And your boundaries? Forgotten.
Someone who you don’t particularly like keeps asking you for dinner. What do you do? Reluctantly go against your will.
You’re placed in a position where you either have to betray your actual self for the validation or fear of upsetting someone else.
Boundary setting wasn’t easy for me, either. I used to be a very shy child - saying no was impossible.
Here’s how I’ve grown from that mindset:
1. Tell yourself saying no is cool.
I don’t know why repeating this to myself had a positive effect, but it did.
“Saying no makes you cool.”
Practice with small situations to be able to cope with larger ones.
- saying no for a second/ third helping at dinner
- saying no if you’re not in the mood to drink or smoke
- saying no if you don’t like what the salesperson is showing you
Unfortunately we live in a world where saying no is very slowly being accepted as “polite.” Had this been taught to us as children, it would’ve been easier to handle as adults.
2. Tell yourself this is a simulation.
Sometimes it’s very difficult to say certain things that you want to say. I like to tell myself that I’m in a video game or a tv show and that this is just what I’m supposed to say. “No.”
3. Anticipate the future responses.
A lot of people think that saying no is an opportunity to convince you to say yes.
“Would you like to drink?”
“No, thank you - I’d rather be sober tonight.”
“What! Why? It’s a party! Have you tried this wine? It’s seriously so good, have a couple of sips!”
I think this mentality comes from toxic hustle culture - “never accept no!” “Keep grinding!” “Try again and again even if you fail!” - so you need to anticipate this.
For this reason, keep your guard up. Nine out of ten times, the person who’s asking you is going to persist. Be prepared for it.
Here’s a couple of tips:
- Make a slight face and say “no thanks.” If you look hesitant, they WILL convince you further.
- Be very confident. Keep your posture straight. Shoulders broad. Have a neutral expression when they try to convince you.
-thank them at the end. In my experience, I’ve noticed that if I thank them for “being understanding”, they immediately drop it. Why? Because you’ve given them the validation they need.
“What! Why? It’s a party! Have you tried this wine? It’s seriously so good, have a couple of sips!”
“Oh, no thanks. I’m really not in the mood to drink tonight, thank you for looking out though!”
4. If you’re going to go to an event, or you’re going to have a difficult conversation with someone- plan it out.
Let’s say I have to confront a cheating boyfriend. Here’s what I’d write down in my Notes app:
‘He’s cheated on me with X on X date, at X venue.
He’s going to deny it at first. I need to stay calm and persistent, and not back down.
He’s going to try to convince me that I’m crazy. This is the phase I know I’m getting through to him, because he’s changing his tactics. Again, I need to be as blank faced as possible and refuse to give in.
He’s going to then try to emotionally manipulate me. He may blackmail or bring up the past. He may tell me that I don’t trust him. He’ll try to push the blame on ME.
I have to be aware of how he’s going to react. I need to be calm, absolutely calm until he breaks and confesses everything.
My goal of this conversation is to get him to confess and break up with him.”
Planning it like this helps, because now you have something secure. Here’s a guideline for the same :
1.Describe the situation briefly. (What happened exactly? What do you know? What have other people told you? Do you have evidence?)
2. Note down how you think they’ll react. Would they get defensive or angry? Would they lie? What would YOU do if you were in their place? (Come up with all possible scenarios).
3. Write down solutions for every situation.
“If X starts lying, I’ll say this : “____”.”
“If X denies it, I’ll bring up this screenshot.”
“If X starts to blame someone else, I’ll wait until they’re done speaking and then tell them I already spoke to that person.”
4. What is the goal of this conversation?
