#humor rp

—————CHI WITH A C’S AMERICAN HORROR STORY PARODY SENTENCE STARTERS
taken from this video. change as needed.

“God, they didn’t die in here or anything, did they?”
“I’m pretty sure you’re Jessica Lange.”
“Why did you eat all the poptarts?”
“I’m sorry, who’re you? How do people keep getting into my fucking house?”
“We all know you ran over five people on your way to work this morning.”
“First up, telekinesis. You must be able to touch your nose with your tongue.”
“Surprise, bitch. I’m more powerful than any of you assholes put together.”
“She comes back in Apocalypse, chicken.”
“Today, I noticed something I had never noticed before. I am Sarah Paulson.”
“We’re just so sad ‘cause it’s your last season, Jessica.”
“Ryan Murphy is going to make me a star.”
“Eight hundred dollars? I booked for a night, not a year.”
“We have Lady Gaga.”
“There could be a hundred people in a hotel, and ninety-nine don’t believe in you, and just one does. And that, for me, was Ryan Murphy.”
“Think Four Seasons but with ghosts.”
“I’m stuck here for forever.”
“I kept trying to drop hints to ____ that I want to leave.”
“I felt like I was in an episode of American Horror Story.”
“There’s someone staring at me. There’s someone on that wall and she looks exactly like me.”
“Oh, honey, did you drop your pen? I can pick that up for you for twenty-five thousand dollars. I take cash.”
“Oh my god. Oh my god, oh my god. Oh my god, oh my god, what was that?”
“Fuck you, America! Fuck you, world! USA!”
“She’s scared of everything. She’s scared of grapes, twelve o’clock, the moon, elbows.”
“You need to come home, right now. We have a national crisis. We need to phone Andy Cohen. They’ve replaced Real House Wives of Beverly Hills with Atlanta.”
“At first I was afraid… I was petrified. I kept thinking I could never live without you by my side.”
“It’s pretty fucking dramatic for a receptionist but whatever.”
“As purples, you’ve all survived Lockdown 2020.”
“Hey, dad? Look, I know you’re the Antichrist and stuff, but do we really need to have an apocalypse?”
“Wait, you guys, haven’t we done this season?”
“You guys, I’ve discovered a new power! … You’re all Covid free.”
“No, I’m sorry, next season. Next season.”
“Shake those hips! Yeah, do it for the eighties.”
“I just had the perfect idea. Should we go be counselors at a camp? I know the perfect place. A dozen people got murdered there, but you know, life goes on.”
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want Jesus himself to be looking at. He’s always watching.”
“Oh my god, that’s Mr. Shue from Glee.”
“We’re in the eighties. That wouldn’t be possible.”
“Obviously I’m gonna put Sarah Paulson in every season. That’s just the way I work.”

—————————-UNUS ANNUS SENTENCE STARTERS PT. 2
change as needed.

“I can’t do anything calmly. You know me.”
“So, you don’t need a rooster for the eggs?”
“I know you’ve got that condition where you’re a bitch.”
“How long until we get to ketchup?”
“If you need me to delay, text me. I will delay.”
“Excuse me. Excuse me! Excuse me!”
“I’ve been thinking to myself: hey, I don’t like green beans that much, and I don’t know why!”
“For kids to not know what Harry Potter is, I feel like a big boomer, you know? ‘Cause I’m like, spouting about Harry Potter and they’re like ‘what’s that? I only know tiktok.’”
“What incident did you have? Tell us about your past.”
“You know, when someone’s just walking down the hall and you just, take their shoulders and then you just ram your knee up their ass as hard as you can.”
“You lied to me! You’ve never done cocaine!”
“My sex appeal is well established in reality but maybe in the other world, my sex appeal carries over and I’ve got some ghosts fawning over me.”
“You cook it up on a skriddle. Skittle? Hold on, that’s not it. Griddle! Wait, what’s the one that starts with an S?”
“Why is Jeffree Star in an old wheelchair?”
“I had to deflate it ‘cause it wouldn’t fit in the car!”
“You kicked me in the dick!”
“How do you feel about my genitals?”
“If a president came up to you and said ‘I need to have sex with you for the goodness of the nation,’ what would you do?”
“What if we accidentally did blackface?”
“Oh my god, we have to watch 2 girls 1 cup!”
“Good God! I could have gone my whole life!”

—————————-UNUS ANNUS SENTENCE STARTERS
change pronouns as needed.

“Do I look like Jeff Bezos? That capitalist pig.”
“This is what it means to go even further beyond!”
“You think I can fit my thick ass through there?”
“Were pirates real?”
“I cleaned this damn pool.”
“Even when you’re quiet, you’re mostly annoying.”
“Is this chiropracty?”
“When you walk into a room, people are going to look at you and say ‘wow’.”
“You say I had a rough night- It was a lovely night! You know? We weren’t fucking. We were making love.”
“I’ve got a crucifix. Jebus is on my side.”
“Get some paper towels, get some water. We’re gonna fucking waterboard this guy.”
“Would you say I’m a friend? Or a foe? Which angel am I on your shoulder?”
“Look at your small penis. I bet you can’t do anything with that, huh?”
“If I lube myself up, I’ll slip right through Hell and get into Heaven.”
“I’m about to blow your chode!”
“I feel like I’m in the womb.”
“How big do you think Santa’s dick is?”
“I’m making a reservoir of wax in your belly button.”
“You know, the whole process of crucification was actually quite horrible.”
“This is just to keep our hands holding Jesus and not penis.”
“Here’s a personalized station of death metal songs.”
“Don’t try it at all or you’ll die if you try this thing at home.”
“If everyone around us is tall, does that mean that we’re actually short?”
“I love hammering, and I’m super good at it. But what if you showed me your hammering skills?”
“Imagine yourself, if you had a knife and you stuck it into your butthole.”
“Hi. You’re gonna die.”
“Demons cannot get into your soul!”
“Chuck it directly for the center of the crotch.”
“He thinks I’m a masochist but I’m not!”
“If you’re going to the US, don’t bother with Kansas.”
“Do Whos fuck?”
“Touch your cheek against my cheek. Come on.”
“I like the way it makes my meat jiggle.”

——————–PBG GOODWILL GAMES SENTENCE STARTERS
change pronouns as needed.

“Why is she staring at me? Why won’t she stop staring at me?”
“Fifty cents? I don’t know who you think I am, but I don’t have that kind of money to throw around.”
“Bees! Why are there always bees?!”
“If it gets too hard, you can always result to the click-everywhere-on-the-screen-until-you-find-something strategy.”
“The thrill of giving is always greater than the thrill of receiving… Unless it’s diamonds. You should probably take those.”
“He had his freaking brain sticking out!”
“Well, I fixed it but now it looks like this.”
“I guess my computer just isn’t powerful enough to run a game made in 1995.”
“What was that? I think it was supposed to be a dis but it didn’t really make sense.”
“Thanks for the info.”
“Do you know what would make baseball more fun? If you turned the baseball into a GameBoy and then you play that instead.”
“Oh goody, a poop spider is singing to me. Just what I always wanted.”
“You better not let her find out or she’ll probably kill you.”
“She may not be scared of him but I sure am.”
“What do you mean the clock people said no on the brand deal?”
“And I say hey! What a wonderful kind of day, where you can learn to work and play, and get along with each other!”
“He wants to go the library; he wants to visit his grandma. He wants to see the Taj Mahal, Hyrule field, the final boss of Black Temple, and even the fiery pits of Hell.”
“If you follow your dreams, kids, maybe one day even you can have a 101 puppy pet of your very own.”
“With the money I saved on these games, I bought myself some awards.”
“Are you ready to learn? I’ve never been more ready for anything. In my whole life.”
“A journey with such vague, unclear beginnings is sure to be successful.”
“They’re devil ants! Devil ants!”
“Except for my house burning down and constantly almost dying, life sure is easy!”
“Ten plus ten is nine and one and eight and two, if you carry the four divided by three.”
“It’s a cliffhanger. It’s open to interpretation; what do you think happened? Did she fly off into space and save the day and save her house? Or did she just rip up in space time to- to, and, uh- and dead? Probably that one.”
“Since when are you a hot dog?! Where did you get that costume from?!”
“Watch it, ya stupid fart! Get out of the road! Sheesh.”
“I don’t think this girl has to worry too much about what she’s going to do with her life because she’s clearly magic.
“You try some things, you pick a thing, you buy a thing, and then you do the thing again.”
“I was imagining how much cooler this would be if I was snapping pictures of a UFO or something, and then a freaking alien popped out from behind a tree.”
“Get outta my way. Get outta my way. Get outta my way. Get outta my way.”
“That was pretty cool, I guess. Except for the parts that weren’t.”
“Charlie Church Mouse Preschool? No. Sorry, but no.”
“I’ve watched, I think, literally every episode of this show at least five times growing up and I still can’t remember this girl’s name.”
“Just kinda creeping over here, in a park, for kids.”