#comedy rp

—————————–UNUS ANNUS SENTENCE STARTERS PT. 3
change as needed.

“Memento mori.”
“Whenever I need a quenching, refreshing beverage, I reach for one of these.”
“I’ve never had a clear thought in my life.”
“You wanna know how I got to love pain?”
“It was your plan all along!”
“What the hell is with the difference between Takis bags?”
“You just need to suck it up and drink your wine.”
“Mother nature is the cruelest bitch, that fucking whore. Took the kids.”
“How quickly can we whip up a bowl of mac n’cheese?”
“Oh, yeah, there will be lube.”
“’Hydro,’ which is Latin for water. ‘Dipping’ which is Greek for insertions.”
“If I was dying in the middle of the road, it would take me five weeks to get your attention, and then you’d say ‘oh, can’t do that today!’”
“Oh, jeez, what smells? It’s gotta be this.”
“No! I refuse to accept your stupidity today!”
“I’m washing the stick.”
“Hello, Mr. Penis.”
“This is the ultimate test of trust.”
“You use less water and then it’s less watery.”
“That was the most vague compliment anyone has every given me.”
“It’s like fishing. And that’s when the semens happen.”
“It makes my meat jiggle.”
“Math was never my strong suit, nor was anything else.”
“Maybe they’ll taste better after they’ve spent six months in the ground.”
“____ is built like a brick shit house.”
“Have you been enjoying yourself?”
“Well, the thing is, ____, you said I’m gonna like it, but I don’t.”
“I need you to forget everything you know. Did you do it?”
“Hang on, I need a second because my brain actually came up with something.”
“Bigfoot’s foot isn’t the only thing that’s big if you know what I’m talking about.”
“Can you imagine if I was sponsored by a canned corn company?”
“God, everyday you live is the worst day of your life with me.”
“I can’t wait to be naked together again.”
“Don’t look at my feet, you pervert.”
“I’m insecure about my body right now! But that’s okay!’

—————————-UNUS ANNUS SENTENCE STARTERS PT. 2
change as needed.

“I can’t do anything calmly. You know me.”
“So, you don’t need a rooster for the eggs?”
“I know you’ve got that condition where you’re a bitch.”
“How long until we get to ketchup?”
“If you need me to delay, text me. I will delay.”
“Excuse me. Excuse me! Excuse me!”
“I’ve been thinking to myself: hey, I don’t like green beans that much, and I don’t know why!”
“For kids to not know what Harry Potter is, I feel like a big boomer, you know? ‘Cause I’m like, spouting about Harry Potter and they’re like ‘what’s that? I only know tiktok.’”
“What incident did you have? Tell us about your past.”
“You know, when someone’s just walking down the hall and you just, take their shoulders and then you just ram your knee up their ass as hard as you can.”
“You lied to me! You’ve never done cocaine!”
“My sex appeal is well established in reality but maybe in the other world, my sex appeal carries over and I’ve got some ghosts fawning over me.”
“You cook it up on a skriddle. Skittle? Hold on, that’s not it. Griddle! Wait, what’s the one that starts with an S?”
“Why is Jeffree Star in an old wheelchair?”
“I had to deflate it ‘cause it wouldn’t fit in the car!”
“You kicked me in the dick!”
“How do you feel about my genitals?”
“If a president came up to you and said ‘I need to have sex with you for the goodness of the nation,’ what would you do?”
“What if we accidentally did blackface?”
“Oh my god, we have to watch 2 girls 1 cup!”
“Good God! I could have gone my whole life!”

——————-BO BURNHAM’S INSIDE OUTTAKES SENTENCE STARTERS
change as needed. language, adult content, mentions of mental illness.

“I’m going a little crazy.”
“I don’t have a kid. I crochet instead.”
“I’ll bother getting better when I bother getting dressed.”
”I’m living in the future.”
“Am I kinda hot?”
“I’m just hoping I can write or film something soon that’s usable, or I’m just gonna stop and play PlayStation.”
“Is this fucking doing anything?”
“Is this looking cool or just fucking stupid?”
“I’m a stupid little bitch!”
“I just wanna feel good.”
“I’m not even close to kidding.”
“I wanna know when Dippin’ Dots is going to condemn child sex trafficking.”
“Maybe I’ll feel better when I got to bed.”
“I wrote a joke. Wanna hear it?”
“If your least favorite word is ‘moist’ and you tell people that, I hate you.”
“My least favorite word, by the way, is ‘injustice.’”
“I wrote a song for you.”
“You’re an adult. You can figure it out.”
“You think I am the worst.”
“Why would you assume that you’re entitled to a dumpling?”
“I don’t wanna fight so let’s just drop this- it’s not a big deal.”
“You owe me a dumpling or a dumpling equivalent.”
“Um no, fuck that.”
“Your whole worldview collapses the moment there’s a spider.”
“I get it, this is the real you. It’s a pleasure. Nice to meet you.”
“Shit like this brings the movement down.”
“Everyone’s a feminist until there is a spider around.”
“Our culture has been taken over by a radical group of SJW feminist freaks.”
“Now we’re fucking talking.”
“Offer yourself by being yourself. And if that doesn’t work, be somebody else.”
“Who you are on a fundamental, sort of unchangeable level, may just be uninteresting.”
“How is the best case scenario Joe Biden?”
“Soon after I posted my first couple videos, they went viral.”
“There’s a lot of material that I’m just really embarrassed by and makes me cringe for a lot of reasons.”
“I often wish that I could just, you know, start over.”
“Fuck you, dude. Fuck you, alright?”
“I ain’t afraid of no spider.”
“It’s very upsetting that the future is in front of now, do you know what I mean? Like that we have to keep living from now onward.”
“This isn’t a joke, so don’t joke about it.”
“I don’t wanna talk about it.”
“I’m doing fine. Twenty-nine, in my prime.”
“I am a weird looking dude.”
“You’re supposed to see the top of your head when you come out of your mother’s pussy, but you saw my face. I came out face first.”
“Other days, like today, I just feel like I’m completely spinning my wheels and wasting my time.”
“I’ve been eating these things for basically every meal for the past six months.”
“I’m using a paper plate. I know they’re bad for the environment but I’d rather put a gun in my mouth than do another dish.”
“We could and would and should have done better.”
“Our doing isn’t done and our done-ing isn’t did, okay? So know that.”
“We are living in a golden age of content.”
“Time is still, you know, passing.”
“It’s only a problem when you go outside.”
“I’m done being sad.”
“Am I going crazy? Maybe, maybe not.”
“Pray for us.”
“The more I wait for it, the more shitty I feel and look.”
“I realized the only way this thing is going to stop is if I stop doing it, so I’m going to stop.”
“She likes her life as a mother and wife, but is that all she is?”
“Her future is waiting right there for the taking.”
“The chicken must first cross the road.”
“I’m an adult man in a baseball hat.”
“I don’t know what’s happening.”
“What the fuck is going on?”

——————–RANDOM SENTENCE STARTERS PT. 2
taken from various movies, tv, music, etc. change pronouns as needed.

“You never struck me as the diapers and midnight feedings type.”
“It is a monstrous love and it makes monsters of us all.”
“You’re too shallow to dig on me.”
“Are you a G-string? No! So stay out of my ass!”
“I was trying to protect you. I was trying to keep you safe.”
“I distinctly remember, your birthday was last year.”
“I can’t quite tell what I’m hoping for.”
“There are some wounds that can never heal.”
“He doesn’t deserve to die in an overpriced Spanish revival.”
“That probably would have sounded more commanding if I wasn’t wearing my yummy sushi pajamas.”
“It sounded like when the grim reaper slips past your ear.”
“Please don’t go. I love you so.”
“Listen, I prefer the ladies but I’m an equal opportunity lover.”
“I’m gonna give you all a nice, fun, normal evening if I have to kill every, single person on the face of the Earth to do it.”
“I want to play a video game where you just love the shit out of other people.”
“Looks like that dresser has eyes. I just saw him looking at me.”
“Ain’t it hard keeping it so hardcore?”
“If I’m going down, I’m taking everybody with me.”
“Look at you! Aren’t you just as pretty as a magnolia in May?”
“If you do it right, their blood will paint the walls.”
“Hate is always foolish, and love is always wise.”
“This is not your destruction. This is your birth.”
“If my calculations are correct, we’re in big ass trouble.”
“It doesn’t always make sense and most of it never happened. But that’s what kind of story this is.”
“Do not for one second think I am weak.”
“How many times have you watched Pac-Man die? Doesn’t bother him. He just tries again.”
“I wanna be the star of the show.”
“All you will get from me is my support. And my respect.”
“I know you love me, baby, but I fucking hate you, dear.”
“You cry every time somebody talks about Titanic.”
“Sorry if I scared you. I know I have somewhat ghost-like features.”
“There’s no point in responding ‘cause it will not make them stop.”