#idiot manchild

I’ve always known that I’m related to some shitty people. My biological father ran a Russian bride website. If you go back far enough, I’m related to the first white baby born in New France. I’m pretty sure the Quebecois side of my family started the first residential school. Family skeletons are not a surprise.

But I was blissfully unaware that my cousin is a fucking lunatic. I knew he was an idiot, as he had previously broken both of his legs jumping off of a rock (not a cliff. A rock.), but I didn’t know he was a complete write-off as a human being. 

I’m a firm believer in the old adage that sunlight is the best disinfectant, so I’m cataloging some of his choice facebook posts. I don’t anticipate many people reading this, I just want there to be a public record both for my sanity, and for evidence once he realizes this could effect his custody agreement and deletes everything. I blocked out his name when I tweeted about it earlier, but fuck him. Also, the timestamps are a little weird, because I retook some for ease of cropping reasons. 

Here’s how it started.

Typical, “I’m a shitty person but will blame feminism for my personal failings,” post, not particularly worthy of much more than an eyeroll. So I expanded the comments. It was mostly sad ramblings about how it’s not fair that men have to be nice to women from future members of the Dead for Three Weeks Prior to Discovery Club for Men. His solitary feminist friend posted, “No, men don’t have to be nicer to women than women have to be to men. Everyone should just damn well be nice to each other. It’s really that simple. It’s not how it works, but it’s how it should work.”

And that’s when my cousin’s brain levee broke. Everything that came after was a non-stop deluge of Evolutionary Psych 101 persecution complex bullshit.

Sorry, I was unable to block out his friend’s name because I couldn’t reach from all the way up on my crazy high rights pedestal. Anyway, back to my 28-year-old high school drop out cousin who lives with his mom teaching us about how women are attracted to powerful men with social status. Oh, wait, no, he’s onto something new:

Jesus fucking Christ. 

Even one of his shitty friends pointed out that was too far and that what he said doesn’t excuse sexual assault, which brought us to:

The mother of his daughters tried to get him to chill out and referenced how women were treated in the past, which is how we arrived at a list of things he never learned at the school he didn’t go to:

This is when I showed up and discovered that I am descended from Selkies. I learned this when my presence magically transformed my shitty human cousin into a magnificent, equally as stupid sea-lion who was incredibly confused as to why I wouldn’t provide a sound argument to counter his completely factually sound, “Bitch deserved it,” stance:

I’m going to leave out most of my commentary because I don’t want this to turn into those, “Look how great I did at the argument” posts, but I’m leaving in that last one and this one for context. The blocked out name is his 5 year old daughter:

While in a stupor from what I just read, I began a delightful conversation with the woman who introduced his parents. She was pretty upset that this resulted from that. I also heard from the very much not pleased mother of his children.

I was then treated to walls of text via private message which are mostly too boring, repetitive and caps-locky to post, but I reached a point where I would only respond to his arguments with actual studies and easily google-verifiable cases.

Eventually out of exhaustion, I ended up here. I should point out that this is the closest I got to saying any laws should be changed, which will come up a lot soon.

To which I received:

This was when I cut him off. I told him that what he has to say about women shows a lack of respect and care for me, my sister, my mother, our grandmother, his mother, and most importantly his daughters. He continued to send me unanswered walls of text, ending with this beautiful gem that I will cherish forever:

All of this inspired him to write out a very strange, inaccurate, citation-needed version of the Marissa Alexander case, claiming that I want special laws for women who shoot at their husbands in front of their children to get out of jail free. 

 I was well past the point of thinking I could make a difference, and I thought it would be more fun to watch it play out without participating. I was right. Why? Because his friends thought a) I sound like a cunt. and that b) My cover photo of Kathleen Turner is totally me.

I’ve also apparently been secretly hoping a man would call me a cunt so I could say I won. Ladies, please take heed of his invitation to contact him. 

This got long as hell, and it doesn’t even cover a tenth of his garbage. So I’ll just end this here with a thrilling proven fact that I learned from his friend via the thread:

I, for one, look forward to the great Lipstick War of 2019. #Hilary4Prez

TL;DR version, my cousin’s daughters would have a better chance left in the woods than they would in his custody.