#incorrect the old guard quotes

(330): be the chaos you wish to see in the world…

(717): i’m trying to figure out how to respond to that in text

(904): so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?

(239): Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn’t kill them.

(303): You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.

(813):  PSA Do not blow dry your junk.

(904): Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on his toe and if I get my period. Will explain later.

(919): Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me’s standards

(412): I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all

(218): I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week

(+39): I don’t know if I’m dying or this is just a mild inconvenience

(604): I don’t remember Saturday, actually

(1-604): It’s ok, i don’t remember 2007

(815): Want a bet? I’m a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped

(814): You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.

(651): He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he came. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of “When Irish Eyes are Smiling”. I’ve never been more confused.

(585): He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you….oops.

(571): If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It’ll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don’t get fucked in the ass.

(303): to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me

(1-303): WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGHT MAN INTO A VICTORIA’S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT

(208): Man it shouldn’t be possible to get mad while you’re stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics