For once, I’m using this platform for something other than fantasies and personal concerns. The historical kink cafe, Wicked Grounds, is currently facing closure - unless we can get them $15k per month on Patreon.
What does Wicked Grounds do? Aside from serving fantastic coffee and food, Wicked Grounds offers a home to dozens of gatherings, classes, and munches in the Bay Area. Newcomers can come get a taste of the kink community in a calm, quiet environment without the daunting aspect of dungeon parties. 18-20 year old kinksters can participate in kinky social gatherings outside the bar scene. Wicked Grounds actively hires queer and trans workers, which can’t be said for a number of service industry businesses. They offer a wide selection of books. They support nearby toymakers and artists by selling locally made wares. (It’s one of my personal goals to have my photography on their walls before I die. Can’t happen if they close.) They feed and stock nationally-famous events like the Folsom Street Fair. They produce online educational materials about BDSM, such as podcasts and a written series. They are bigger than their little location in San Francisco - these materials are accessible to anyone in the world, but Wicked Grounds can’t keep being a movement without our help.
This is not just about a kink cafe. San Francisco as a city is shifting, and not necessarily for the better. Sure, startups are amazing, tech offers all kinds of people life-changing opportunities, and we’re in a hub of constant progress. But with Silicon Valley comes rapid gentrification, and displacement of many communities that are integral to San Francisco’s personality. I grew up just across the Golden Gate Bridge. I remember a city full of weirdos in ground-sweeping coats, artistic collectives, queer activists, writers, and off-beat thinkers; not a city full of more homelessness than ever and an increasing battle for non-techies to survive.
Wicked Grounds symbolizes the struggle and possible decline of spaces built for queer people, people with non-normative relationship structures, creative people outside tech, people without traditional education, and anyone who needs an emotional home for the ways in which they feel different. These communities are beneficial to our culture, but they’re largely built on love, and love can’t stretch on for long without money.
So, I actually mostly wrote up all of this last week, but sort of stopped in the middle. But now I’ve finished! Only two happy hours later.
Tuesday, May 13, Breastie and I went to a local TNG happy hour. A guy who messaged me on OkCupid (known as L until I think of something better) extended an invitation to me to attend, which made me feel more comfortable about going. On the way to the event, though, I definitely would have bailed if Breastie hadn’t been with me.
We got there early but didn’t realize it and she made me go in first. She was actually being kinda dommy, and it worked. Fuck, I’m easy. When we realized that no one was there, we decided to go to the bar next door and each had a drink. When it was about fifteen minutes past when it was supposed to start, we headed over.
There were only about four or five other people there, and a redheaded guy came over and introduced himself. This one will be known as Boy Genius. We paid our cover and got our drinks and then sat down to talk. The people who were there eventually came over because we were novel and, let’s be real, a pair of hot ladies. They introduced themselves and we started talking. Breastie and I worked as a team and played odd each other and checked in with each other, which was really nice and made a potentially anxiety-making social situation much more comfortable. At one point, I had to go to the bathroom, and Breastie said I could only go if I told MLAM. So I texted him and said “So, we’re at the TNG happy hour and Breastie is being dommy. She gave me permission to pee on the condition that I told you about it.”
As we continued chatting with people, a tallish, thin guy with long hair came in, and eventually introduced himself. He also asked if he could play with my hair, and I said yes. He got permission to rub and scratch my head, as well. He also did the same to Breastie. It was nice feeling, if a little bit much in terms of contract with someone I didn’t know.
We went upstairs around 8 to start the class. It was about masochism, and the presenter discussed masochism as a 3x2 table. Three kinds of masochism (physical, mental/emotional, status) and two orientations of who it is focused on (masochist-centric vs. sadist-centric). It was an interesting and possibly useful idea. I think that personally, I’m less into the physical masochism than the other kinds, although still into it, except as a sadist-centric thing, like taking pain for someone. It’s interesting in the context of the play that MLAM and I do, since he’s interested in me getting what I want out of the play, and enjoys seeing me react to things and enjoy things. It’s not about him enjoying hurting me, exactly, but I still really like trying to take more and more pain for him, outside of any enjoyment I get from the pain itself. I’m clearly very into the mental/emotional aspects of masochism, and getting more and more into the status side of it, with acknowledging my place as inferior to men.
We broke up into groups to discuss various scenarios, and while that was happening, MLAM texted back in response to my text about Breastie letting me piss on the condition that I told him. He said, “Oh, I like her. Give her my number and tell her i’d like her to contact me so we can fuck with you collectively.“ I showed it to Breastie and gave her his number, and texted back, "Oh, fuck. She’s texting you. I’m scared and excited.” That was definitely the correct mix of emotions, considering how she tied me later, and how compatible they are in terms of enjoying fucking with me. They both like setting people up with tasks that they are bound to fail at, and they both know many of my buttons and how to press them just long enough. Or just a little too long. I do hope we can all three hang out sometime and they can torture me together in person.
After the class, we decided to stay upstairs to watch people play. The guy who had come over and greeted us at the beginning, Boy Genius, tied this crazily pretty girl. He pushed her around a bit and they both had on these giant smiles and it was super hot and super adorable. When they were done and she was getting her dress back on, she strongly recommended playing with him, and said he was the first person she’d played with. I’m a fan of having references for someone from people who have bottomed/subbed for them, so that was nice.
He offered to teach Breastie and I some rope stuff, and we agreed. He said, “Usually when you’re learning to tie, there’s someone being tied.” I said, “Oh! I’ll do it!” right away, because holy crap so fun, but then I offered the opportunity to Breastie because I felt bad for jumping right up because I know she’s also interested in being tied and doing subby things. She did let me do it, which was super nice of her.
We went over in the corner and he showed us a couple of simple things. He tied a cuff on me, then wrapped the rope around me, keeping it tight just by holding it. He got my consent to touch me aside from just the rope, and he touched me and talked to Breastie about what he was doing. He also wrapped around my legs and tied things off. He got permission to move me around, and told Breastie about how fun things were, and how something made a good anchor point to push me around and then he did that and he was being all dominating and in charge and powerful and it was wicked hot.
At one point, he was showing Breastie something and I had my back to her and he told me to “Stand there like a good object.” and I can’t even with how sexy that was. He had Breastie do the wrist cuff as well, and wrap me up and she did a fantastic job, especially with what she decided to do with the last bit of rope, which was to take it across my neck, which is both mean and a thing I really enjoy. Then, she did a really good job with untying me while keeping the tension on.
Boy Genius told Breastie that she did well, and she definitely seems like a natural. It’s probably because she used to tying things and messing with knots and tension and learning new skills because she’s so damn crafty. He also told me that I did a good job of being tied, which was kind of him. He added that he’d be willing to show us more and was super nice.
We went over to get food afterwards with people, and I got to listen to people talk about plans for a big event and talking about the culture at various events/groups. L even made a special effort to bring me into the conversation, asking me about my thoughts on playing while intoxicated. Breastie was not so fortunate. She had the guy from earlier with the head scratches glom onto her. I saw him sit next to her and eventually heard him say that he was a multiple and I thought “Oh, dear.” Breastie respond kindly and I checked in on her a couple times throughout the rest of the night and offered her a way out a couple times. I feel bad that she got put in an uncomfortable position and I resolved to help her defend her boundaries as much as she needed to the next time.
I’m so very glad that we went, and I really like the people we met and the feel of the community.
A year ago today I went to my first Tuesday happy hour. It’s hard to believe I’ve been in the area that long and been part of the local community that long. It feels like only a few months ago I was still nervous about going to happy hours by myself, worried that I wouldn’t find anyone to talk to.
Over the course of that year, I’ve tried on different kinks and different roles, experimenting with new things and figuring out what I enjoy doing, what I don’t enjoy doing, and what I enjoy being made to do because I don’t enjoy it. I’ve met fantastic people, made amazing new friends, and had wonderful partners. I’ve had tons of fun, gotten plenty of lovely bruises and marks, and had so many experiences, some fun and some not-so-fun, but all of them interesting.
Many many many thanks to Breastie for accompanying me and helping me go despite my social anxiety and nervousness.
can we like…get rid of the so-called leather and rubber “pride flags” ? it’s honestly ridiculous and offensive to the lgbtq community. those aren’t pride flags.
The leather pride flag is the second oldest pride flag. It has been at almost every single US pride parade and protest in history.
It’s older then you are, it’s older then I am. The leather community is responsible for pride. Leather daddies were the ones chasing away cops when they tried to arrest us for being queer in public back when Pride Parades were illegal in the US. They are still the ones chasing away cops and corporations from smaller pride events and those that aren’t sanctioned by Wells Fargo. The leather community is essential to the queer community and has a long and rich history.
Please fuck off if you’re not going to learn the actual history of pride.
And don’t fucking out your hate in our tags, asshole.
The leather pride flag represents an expression of self which is inherently queer, and a community which has been around for generations. It is not offensive to the LGBT+ community in any way. I have seen cis gay and bisexual men standing shoulder-to-shoulder with trans men, all of them united by their leather community roots. The leather community is more diverse and nuanced than you perhaps know, but that is no reason for you to shit on a community you don’t understand.
Here is a photograph from 1998, displaying the leather pride flag, the bear gay pride flag, and the rainbow flag. This is our history.
A photograph from 1988: Tony Deblase, the creator of the leather pride flag, and a gay man, embracing a fellow member of the leather community. Over his shoulder is Judy Tallwing McCarthy, a Native American woman who was part of the leather community from 1959. She co-founded the first lesbian BDSM group in Portland, along with her partner, Sashie Hyatt.
Just because youdon’t know the history, doesn’t mean it isn’t there. Be humble, and always assume you have more to learn. Hatred, and outright dismissal of communities you know nothing about, is the most aggressively anti-LGBT thing I can imagine.
The leather community has always included trans people, lesbians, gay men, and bisexuals. The leather community is global and nuanced. The leather community is where many of us encounter our found families, and our lovers. For you to dismiss that is cold-hearted and ignorant. Just because queer sex is involved, doesn’t make the community dirty or bad.
Do you have any. Any idea. Any god damn clue. How kink intersects with LGBT and queer community. Queer history. Do you know why the community pushed for, and against, closing the bathhouses during the 80s? Do you know who organized awareness campaigns about HIV, even way back when it was still called GIRD. Do you know who created the safe sex pamphlets, the classes, who pushed for disclosing your health history to partners, who distributed contraceptives and condoms and dental dams at parties and meetings and baths? Do you even know where the safe sex education we have now comes from? Do you know where a bulk of the language about consent came from? Do you have any good god damn idea what the kink communities have done for us, and continue to do for us?
Keep their names out of your mouths because you clearly don’t know what the hell you’re talking about
If there is one thing I could say to young queer folks, especially young queer folks in the U.S. who are coming of age in a world that is more accepting than the one I knew growing up, it’s this:
Don’t be so quick to sanitize your queerness and make it corporate pride daytime TV-friendly. Don’t be so quick to jump on the purity bandwagon. Don’t be so quick to speak on what your community should look like before you’ve actually learned the history of your community, and always be aware that there are things you probably don’t yet know.
These things will not protect you. They never have. And all you’re doing is isolating yourself from community, from support, from the strength we all have when we stand together in a world that would gladly pick us off one by one.
Queerness isn’t as hidden or embattled now (in some places) as it once was, but make no mistake: when our existence was illegal everywhere the people you have this knee-jerk “hide the weirdos” reaction to are the very ones who would’ve had your back against the cops and the gay-bashers.
The people who made me feel safe to come out in my 20s flew the rubber and leather flags alongside the rainbow flag and often the trans flag as well. You don’t get to tell any of them they don’t belong anymore just because you don’t understand.
next time you hear some “Patriotic Socialists” or “Orthodox Marxists” telling you that we have to tone down the queer shit if we want our message to reach the Working Class™
ALTALT
next time some moralizing, respectability-chasing progressive bootlicker (you know — the bad kind) says that banks and cops at Pride are good and we have to keep the DIRTY FAT HAIRY FETISHISTS away so the kids aren’t scared by seeing them
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remind the respectable homosexual that to stand with our oppressors will not save the good homos either; it will just save them for last when no one around them will be left even to mourn or remember
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our elders fought and survived so that we could survive and fight (and fuck and sing and be joyfully fucking silly, too)
we did not inherit a double portion of their spirit to “tone it down” or “consider the message being sent” to audiences who want us eradicated
ALT
we promise we will be even dirtier, even fatter, hairier, kinkier, and we will love every single stupid fucking moment of our stupid fucking lives on this stupid fucking earth, or die trying
fuck your cops, fuck your banks, fuck your homophobic classism
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