Since I found out my grad program DOESN’T start today (they misprinted an updatedstart date — it actually begins the 25th), I unexpectedly have a little more time to enjoy myself before dipping into the full grad-grind!

I have been spending some of my leisure time tending to numerous plants, including my new (and growing) propagation station, as featured above! Currently, I’m trying to establish 3 buddies. From left to right are mint (already planted), ??? (Truly, I’ve no idea what the buddy living in the syrup bottle is), Zamioculcas zamiifolia (“ZZ”), and… a green onion!

Delightfully, the green onion is already growing new roots. The ZZ I’m less sure of. In general, I don’t know how well ZZs take to water propagation, but so far it’s leaves are still supple. As for the ??? plant, it has been hanging in water for weeks without rooting! Even so, it also remains pretty supple. So I guess we’ll just see how it goes, huh?

Unfortunately, most of the extra time will be devoted to the work-grind instead. The following are on this week’s menu of To-Dos:

• Finalize and publish the Spring tutoring schedule
• Co-write the conclusion/analysis for a small research paper (So excited!!)
• Finish developing “Welcome Back!” assignments

As much as I’m enjoying a break, COVID has me stir-crazy and I’m really looking forward to getting started on the next steps of my future career! As such, I cannot wait until I can get started with my program. By then, I should have more relevant and interesting content to share.

I admit I used to post more of this kind of shit before Discord. I love how Discord is where friends are and I can just talk about things all the time. but I know, for twenty years now, I’ve always had an online journal and it’s been useful primarily for me to look back at my life and what’s going on, and sometimes I realize Discord’s not gonna do that for me, i can search the archives of conversations as long as I’m still in that server but it’s not the same thing.

anyway here are two random photos I took this morning, archived here as a little slice of life.

one:

[img: two rubbermaid containers on a countertop in a store, with display racks visible beyond in the distance]

This is a huge order i have spent most of the last two weeks working on; the pink rubbermaid on top contains 11 VHS tapes, and the blue one underneath had about 25 3″ Super-8 reels.

This family now has all their memories digitized.

Now I’m working on another order, 19 VHS tapes, and I am doing my best but it won’t be done before I leave for the farm so I’ll have to come back to it.

and 2:

[image: looking down at my own lap. A pair of legs in nearly-knee-high socks striped horizontally with blue, purple, and pink stripes like a bi pride flag, ending in feet wearing brown ankle boots; bare knees above, pink and untanned and slightly hairy, and the hem of a blue skirt, sprawled out over a grimy industrial carpet under a vintage metal desk.]

it is Spring, officially, and yesterday I wore the leggings I’ve been wearing all winter and sweated my ass off. I think the climate control in this building is broken, the heat didn’t work for most of April and now it’s airless and stuffy and I don’t think the A/C works either. Cool.

Anyway not feeling super positive about my fashion choices but as usual i dressed in the dark from whatever was in the room I can access, so. I should dig out literally any other pair of shoes but it was this or the rose gold metallic Birkenstocks and I wasn’t feeling rose gold. God what would it even be like to have like. Fashion sense and a wardrobe instead of a collection of things that came in my size so I bought them. Ha!

This afternoon I have a meeting with a kitchen remodel company to talk about redoing our kitchen. I am desperately trying to exercise an opinion about this, as I should care deeply, but am so burned-out that the very idea of making a decision is very nearly giving me hives. But my god we could have a dishwasher. I just need to hang on to this idea. God she asked us for “inspo pics” and I actually read an article on kitchen remodels of 2022 by Southern Living magazine and was so viscerally repulsed by every single contradictory tip they mentioned that I can’t bring myself to do any further research for this.

Here’s what I got:

1) standard size appliances. nothing custom. nothing custom whatsoever. anything that breaks, i want to be able to rip it out and put something else in there, because it’s a size everything comes in.

2) nothing built-in. sink gets fucked-up or stained? comes out of a standard-sized hole and I put a new one in. bada-boom. fuck built-ins.

3) pot rack or something, I have my cast iron stacked on a fucking shelf and it’s the fucking pits, I will not do that, give me a fucking hook to hang it on this is garbage.

4)fuck minimalism I just want somewhere to put my shit and fuck your ADHD advice I deserve to own things if i want them, I have a collection of kitchen items I actually use and I will not be discarding any of those things nor will I be hiding them for aesthetic reasons, but equally I do want to have counter space I can actually use to work upon, so I need places for my shittogo

5)fuck maximalism i do not care that chintz is briefly in fashion again, I want solid bright colors and ok shit can coordinate but I’m not buying all new shit just so it’s matchy and by God I do not have room for purely decorative pieces of furniture (this was the part of the Southern Living article where I lost my mind, they legit recommended putting in antique furniture for purely decorative purposes and i was like but actually why)

6) nothing is gonna be white or gray unless that’s literally the only color it comes in

7) cabinet hardware needs to either be radially symmetrical *or* fastened in two places, ask me how i thought of that one

8) can I have cabinets not made of plastic? do they make those? or will they cost more than my house is currently worth in which case maybe i will have to make my peace with plastic…

9)fuck stone countertops I have never seen one I did not hate, I want something that water and heat won’t damage but also one that won’t fucking obliterate me if I bump into it, do they still make those?

10) i guess i did have a lot of opinions. idk. someone please help me replace the falling-apart not very big picture window in the east wall of my kitchen with something nicer. please be gentle with me about the price. it will be a lot. i am cautiously aware of this but probably will cry anyway.

so the pandemic not only made it so i didn’t leave the house to do things like run errands, it also did the thing where because of the glitch in unemployment i had zero income for… i forget now, but it was like five or six months? which was stressful? anyway i have complained before about how my relationship to like, buying things is totally broken now. but i do need some things. so.

yesterday it was a lovely saturday and i had resolved to Go Forth And Acquire Some Objects. But it struck me that I did not need these objects to be *new*, necessarily. So I went first to a thrift store, and I can report that yes that’s a good way to get inexpensive bedsheets but there were none in the size/thing I needed, so instead I went and picked out like all the unburnt pillar candles off the shelf, for one to two dollars apiece, and also I bought two old water bottles, since for some reason all my decent water bottles have vanished and I’m reusing disposable ones endlessly. Not great. I could have bought some gaudy tablecloths and am not sure why I did not.

Thence to Homegoods, where I spent far too much on new chair cushions, but our dining table chairs are designed to have cushions on them and the ones I bought from Ikea in probably 2006 had started to definitively wear out. I also spent an inordinate amount on a duvet cover, but it was in fact genuinely linen, and I had been wanting that, so now I have a full set of linen sheets just not quite all matching. Whatever.

I did *not* buy any candles there but the one thing I can never resist is going over to the Wall O Socks and buying myself huge multipacks of really squishy socks. My last set of these have largely worn out, so I’m delightedly wearing new socks right now. oh my god. life’s luxuries.

Then we went to Target. (Yeah, we, I’d brought Dude along, and he was actually better at finding things than me. He’s a forager, that one.) I bought two pillows and a bunch of unscented candles– you can get multipacks of plain candles at Target after all, reasonably-priced. Now the cabin can be extensively candle-lit, whether it gets electrificated promptly or not.

That’s more Retail Hell than I’ve experienced in quite some time, so we went the back way home to stop by the liquor store and get gin, which we were out of. I’d previously planned on Snacks For Dinner; we had chip dip with kohlrabi and carrots, and some cheese and cured meats and crackers, though for future reference a proper Snacks Dinner ought to have some fruit or sweet cheeses in it. It was a glorious day, I did literally six loads of laundry and have them all dry and folded from the line (I’d gotten four on the line before we left, and did two more after we got home, including the new duvet cover), and we got slightly high and sat on the couch whispering slightly-unsettling things to one another and eating far too many crackers. (The texture.)

I did not get any writing done. i’ve been up for two hours already today still not getting any writing done. Oh well.

About to get on a plane and fly to see my partners! I’m so thrilled to be with them in person (and maybe a little bit nervous) Luckily the airport is a lot less scary than it feels and security wasn’t so bad. However they did pull my bag and thoroughly search my tarot deck because it had metal foil I forgot about!

Tagged by @northernreads this time, thank you!

Last book I…

Bought:Amongst Our Weapons by Ben Aaronovitch.

Borrowed:The Diamond Eye by Kate Quinn, which will hopefully going back to the library tomorrow.

Was Gifted: still Chocolate Baking by Linda Collister

Gave Someone Else: still the Broken Earth Trilogy by N.K. Jemisin

Started:The Ballad of Perilous Graves by Alex Jenning

Finished:Pride, Prejudice and Peril by Katie Oliver

Gave 5 Stars: All Cats Welcome by Susin Nielsen

Gave 2 Stars: The Madness of Lord Ian Mackenzie by Jennifer Ashley

Didn’t finish: The Hacienda by Isabel Cañas

Not tagging anyone this time but please, steal away!

toneynoise said: Wait I thought you had a boyfriend?

Not anymore :( When I moved away from MD we both agreed we couldn’t really do an LDR. =/

Men on tumblr, just why?

I posted a cute little valentine’s day ootd a week ago and I’ve been hit up in my DM’s like crazy and a lot of it unwarranted sexual harassment. I’m happily engaged with a wonderful human. Just because i feel comfortable and confident in myself doesn’t mean I’m looking for your approval or advances.

Just remind me never to post selfies here ever again.

It’s my birthday today!

I’m so thankful for this year because it’s the first one in my own apartment with my wonderful fiancé. We’re going to one of my favorite museums to celebrate the day.

I feel so blessed

So, I haven’t completed any art this year yet. I’ve stopped talking about things publically due to anxiety surrounding my public image. But, the main reason is because my brain chemicals have been incredibly mean to me recently to the point where I feel pain whenever I work.

Anxiety is really nasty, and I’ve struggled with it since I was 14. I need help but I don’t know how to ask for it. Nor can I afford suitable care atm. Things are stressful, and it’s literally impeding on my ability to do what I love most.

I don’t feel guilty about not doing anything creative in January, which I think is a good thing. But, I do feel like I need something drastic to change irl because I’m stuck. I’m sad. And I’m scared atm. I don’t know how things will work out in the end, but I hope they improve.

Hoping is all I can do despite my brain being a downer. I have the cleanest slate possible right now in terms of opportunity, but I don’t know where to go next. And that’s scary.

So yeah. that’s where I’m at atm.

just wanted you guys to know i got an a for my final milton paper

life update

i have a girlfriend

Sooo…it’s been over a month since I last made a personal post on here. So, here are some life updates:

1. I have been very (extremely) inconsistent with both working out and maintaining a healthier diet. This year has really been kicking my ass. There is so much I have to do in preparation for the end of this semester. I know that is not an excuse, but I really don’t have any other reason to explain me slacking. I’m just so tired all the time. No matter when I go to bed and how much sleep I get, I still feel exhausted. I’m so stressed and burnt out at this point, but I can’t stop yet. I still have like 5 more weeks. But, those 5 weeks seem so far away.

2.  I’ve been actively planning my future. Anything to keep me going and to give me something to look forward to. I’ve been applying to jobs. I, recently, started budgeting and keeping better track of how much I spend each month. I made a list of places I would love to visit one day. I made another list consisting of things I want to try (pole dancing sounds especially fun). I even made a list of books I want to read within these next few months.   

3. I’ve been working on putting myself first. I’ve been, slowly, setting better boundaries with people and being more mindful about my own time and needs. I definitely worry so much (too much) about other people and what they think of me. I’m constantly worried about losing people. I’m always afraid that the people I love are going to get sick of me one day and realize they don’t want to be in my life anymore and no longer want me in theirs. It’s happened before, not even once or twice…I work so hard to make sure I don’t do anything that upsets people. I have realized that I, often, go out of my way to make others happy at the expense of my own happiness. I give so much grace to to people who would, no doubt, drop me the moment I make 1 mistake. And…I’m not saying you shouldn’t drop people. If that’s what brings you peace, definitely set those boundaries with those who are draining you and are toxic for you. What I mean is that I find myself letting people get away with talking to me and treating me in ways that they, themselves, would not tolerate. So…why on earth am I tolerating it, you know? Why can’t I set boundaries with people too? Why do I always have to feel guilty for putting myself first for once? I shouldn’t feel guilty for putting myself first and neither should any of you.

Anyway, this is just me rambling. Today, I cleaned out my fridge and went through my cupboards. I’m going to go grocery shopping tomorrow. I plan on buying actual food. Not just quick snacks I can take with me on the go. My goal is to cook an actual meal tomorrow night. I think I’m also going to find time to do a light workout or even just go for a walk. I really want to start feeling like myself again.

Check In 100

Hi Friends+ random people who stumble upon this blog. Let’s check in ( again). I have used this blog for so many things over the long period I’ve been on tumbler. I am going through so many life changes right now that I want to use this blog again, partly because I want to use it to promote my shop, but I also know it’s partly due to comfort. Let’s start with the shop. I had an Etsy shop for a solid couple of months before someone decided to report my posts 127 times. This person also happens to be my ex-assistant manager who was harassing and bullying me at my place of work- it’s been a wild couple of months. Because I had to leave Etsy, I also had to say goodbye to my sizable Etsy paychecks, which at one point allowed me to only need to work my day job one day a week. ANYWAYS, It’s a whole ordeal with a restraining order now involved and me needing to go back to my day job 5 days a week. But, I now have my own website where I sell my products. I sell mostly 90s themed cups, t-shirts, and masks made with vinyl. If you wanna check it out, please do beanstuckdesigns.comorinstagram.com/beanstuckdesignsorfacebook.com/beanstuckdesigns

Next update, I’m moving because I was accepted into grad school. I am currently waitlisted for the September date( at #2). I am moving to one of the most expensive cities in the province, which is terrifying, but I signed my lease and all that goes along with a new place before my Etsy shop shut down. So I am terrified because I know I am barely going to be surviving for the first little bit while there. I am really banking on getting good hours at my day job- which I was lucky enough to have transferred to a store in the new city and my shop doing well enough that I make rent, bills, and food.

OK, that’s enough ramblings for right now. I am going to be promoting my shop products on this blog for a while now to try and gain momentum with sales and such. I need your help though!!

Here is what I need from you:

Buy something-if you like something

Reblog, Like, Share

Share my website on any and all platforms you can ( Facebook, Facebook groups you are a part of, Reddit, Twitter, Instagram, etc.)

Literally, anything helps. I am just trying to get my shop out there and reach as many people as I can so I can survive :)

Sometimes, you hate what you drew last week. Also, sometimes you crawl through your whole entire portfolio, as uploaded to your blog over the last seven years, and realize that a lot of your old stuff really isn’t too bad at all.

Whose idea was this font? Come to think of it, whose idea was ANY of the graphic design in this year’s wrapped?

I apparently didn’t listen to much this year. “Top song” only had nine plays (and in fact I skipped it a lot more than I listened to it, because the algorithm tries to play it WAY too often), and Celtic got in as a genre because I got a gig playing violin at a piratey Halloween thing and wanted to refresh myself on my old rep.

main-redironrouge:

Alright, I know that my updates stopped. I planned to post my new story and Hawks chapter, but my older brother was hospitalized again. Some of you may remember from last year that my one older brother had to get emergency open heart surgery and almost died. He collapsed again and has been in the ICU for about a month now. They found a blood clot in his one valve, one in each lung and he’s going through acute liver and kidney failure as well as battling sepsis. He’s going in for another open heart surgery today and is getting a blood transfusion.

I’ve tried to write and put energy into my fanfictions, because I like to have a few chapters written before posting at least, but I just really can’t muster the focus I need to write anything. I can’t muster the effort it takes to proof read stuff. Honestly, my brother was like my a parent growing up. My mom couldn’t have cared less about us if she tried half of the time. He was always the one taking care of me growing up and I’m just really struggling with the very real prospect that he may die.

So I’m sorry that I’m not posting. I’ll get myself back on track soon. 2020 seems like such a shit year, dude. Everything is always going wrong.

Update on my brother;

His surgery was stopped early because they couldn’t manage to do what they originally planned. So now he has to get another surgery as soon as his fevers break. If he doesn’t do the surgery for some reason then they gave him a life expectancy of 8 weeks. My kids and I are going to say goodbyes before his surgery, just in case, and we’re keeping our fingers crossed for the best.

Alright, I know that my updates stopped. I planned to post my new story and Hawks chapter, but my older brother was hospitalized again. Some of you may remember from last year that my one older brother had to get emergency open heart surgery and almost died. He collapsed again and has been in the ICU for about a month now. They found a blood clot in his one valve, one in each lung and he’s going through acute liver and kidney failure as well as battling sepsis. He’s going in for another open heart surgery today and is getting a blood transfusion.

I’ve tried to write and put energy into my fanfictions, because I like to have a few chapters written before posting at least, but I just really can’t muster the focus I need to write anything. I can’t muster the effort it takes to proof read stuff. Honestly, my brother was like my a parent growing up. My mom couldn’t have cared less about us if she tried half of the time. He was always the one taking care of me growing up and I’m just really struggling with the very real prospect that he may die.

So I’m sorry that I’m not posting. I’ll get myself back on track soon. 2020 seems like such a shit year, dude. Everything is always going wrong.