#lovehigher
So love ends and I cry and my mother tells me that maybe in a years time you might have learnt to love me back
But in a years time I won’t be as pure as I once was and you’ll be racing to catch up
In a years time you’ll have learned your place and kissed too many girls, whilst I’m fucking a boy that always tells me he’s in love with my body, but never in love with me
In a years time I’ll be in therapy, finally getting better, but in a years time you won’t be as willing to wait around for me to heal
In a years time I’ll start believing in God and you would have lost your connection with him
Because in a years time you’ll be a new person and so will I but we’ll both still be two lost teenagers finding themselves and trying to make it as more than “just friends”
So it’s me, you and the bottle of vodka hidden in my sock drawer,
It’s me drinking too much and crying
It’s you tracing the scars on my wrist and telling me it’s in the past
You you you
It’s you hiding the vodka so I can’t drink anymore
You deleting everything off my phone that you know it kills me to look at
You pulling me into your lap and wrapping me up into the safety of your arms
Your heart beating into my cheek, faster and faster
You, reading my favourite book to me
Me, falling in love with every word that leaves your lips
It’s you caring too much for someone that you shouldn’t care for
It’s us, the most un friendly “just friends” that this world has ever known
You are always everywhere and everything always seems to remind me of you like next doors cat or the smell of sweat
Or somehow whenever my eyes go that certain shade of green in the light I want to cry
There are certain things that only you and I will ever understand like the blue bandana or the shower plan or the movie plan that never became anything more than just plans
And I guess I should be thankful that we still have secrets left to tell because you already told all your friends everything you promised you wouldn’t
But I guess your promises meant nothing because you only ever made two and broke them both
Love is magical
I still believe that
Even after everything
But I also believe that love can turn to heartbreak in a matter of moments
And heartbreak is anything but magical
Heartbreak is dreaming about him every single night for 3 weeks
To the point where sometimes you wake up unaware of what happened in the dream but somehow you still know it was about him
Heartbreak is talking to his best friend hoping that he’s spoken about you
Heartbreak is the pain you feel when you discover he has spoken about you, but none of it good
Heartbreak is drinking too much so that in the morning you can blame the 3 missed calls and 14 messages on the alcohol that was pulsing through your veins
Heartbreak is pure fucking pain
But I also believe that heartbreak eventually leads to healing
And the healing is the part that makes all the heartbreak fade away
Healing is learning to sleep in your own bed, even though when you roll over you can still catch his scent
Healing is starting to love your body for yourself and not just because use to tell you he loved it when you were taking off your clothes for him
Healing is opening up to your mother, it’s letting her hug and take care of you like she did when you were a child
Healing is playing outside in the garden with your brother and laughing until you can’t breathe
Healing is genuinely laughing until everything else is irrelevant, it is not the fake laughter you became so use to
Healing is skipping the sad songs
Healing is dying your hair white because you wanted to and you are finally doing things for yourself
Healing is rebuilding yourself bit by bit until suddenly the last puzzle piece slots into place and you are not the person you use to be
Healing makes everything okay again
i fell in love, then i fell apart.
depression isn’t always suicide notes and pill bottles. sometimes, it’s all smiles and fake laughter. depression isn’t always easy to notice.
“today is not my day” - everyday
i’m not an easy person to love but i’d like to think i’m worth it.
