#exerpt from a book ill never write
the castle on the hill crumbled for good this time and it’s not my fault
no matter how much you tell yourself it is
nothing is ever invincible, not even us
no matter how much we convinced ourselves nothing could ever break us
no matter how many times we rebuilt what we’d lost just to watch it come crashing back down
sometimes i visit the lake we use to go to when one of us sad or when we wanted an excuse to smoke our lungs black or drown our livers in the alcohol we weren’t old enough to buy yet
i think about all the things we left behind and how a tiny piece of me would give anything to have it back
but darling we have taken this too far to bounce back this time
the castle on the hill came crashing down
and i refuse to go tumbling down with it.
you knew too well how to wear girls down
you’d already had too much practice
so by the time i met you
breaking me was an act you could perform effortlessly
we will be remembered, as we should
the whole of this god forsaken town already knows the story of us
people i’ve never seen before in my life still say your name when they find out mine
does it kill you knowing that they know everything?
because i cannot live with the whispers behind my back anymore
how do you like everyone knowing our secrets? our broken promises? everything we ever whispered behind closed doors when we thought no one could hear us?
did you know it would end like this?
maybe we both knew we’d go up in flames from the start
maybe we chose to ignore it
maybe we both deserve all of this
i am in love with you and i have been in love with you since i was thirteen years old. three summers have passed and the people we are now would be unrecognisable to the kids we were then but the one thing that hasn’t changed is the love i have for you. through everything, it hasn’t faded one bit.
i am in love with you. and it doesn’t matter that you don’t love me back anymore because i think that loving you saved me. when dirty hands were touching me, you’re voice was in my head telling me “no”, telling me “that boy is in love with your body and not with you, this isn’t what real love looks like”
i am in love with you and i have loved you through everything and that is okay. it’s okay it’s okay it’s okay.
the poems aren’t about him anymore
but they might as well be
because the only reason i let you close enough to touch me
is because the words you speak may as well be coming out of his mouth
i am not the one to blame for this mess
when he was the one who left me so blinded that i could only fall back into the arms of boys that would only ever drop me in the end
falling into boys who only treat me as a body
boys who treat me like he did
i’ll search for anyone that reminds me of the way he left
and i’ll tear myself apart for it afterwards
but its all i know
he is all i know
“i’d love to know the way it feels to have you between my arms”
“i wish you could hear the way i talk about you”
“sometimes people pretend you’re a bad person so they don’t feel guilty about the things they did to you”
