#hazeyaffection

the castle on the hill crumbled for good this time and it’s not my fault

no matter how much you tell yourself it is

nothing is ever invincible, not even us

no matter how much we convinced ourselves nothing could ever break us

no matter how many times we rebuilt what we’d lost just to watch it come crashing back down

sometimes i visit the lake we use to go to when one of us sad or when we wanted an excuse to smoke our lungs black or drown our livers in the alcohol we weren’t old enough to buy yet

i think about all the things we left behind and how a tiny piece of me would give anything to have it back

but darling we have taken this too far to bounce back this time

the castle on the hill came crashing down

and i refuse to go tumbling down with it.

the poems aren’t about him anymore

but they might as well be

because the only reason i let you close enough to touch me

is because the words you speak may as well be coming out of his mouth

i am not the one to blame for this mess

when he was the one who left me so blinded that i could only fall back into the arms of boys that would only ever drop me in the end

falling into boys who only treat me as a body

boys who treat me like he did

i’ll search for anyone that reminds me of the way he left

and i’ll tear myself apart for it afterwards

but its all i know

he is all i know

If there was ever any hope the devil snatched it away

If there was ever a chance of forgiveness for any of this I turned it down when I ran back into your arms

If there was ever a way to get away I would have found it by now

But there’s not an escape, there’s no hope and neither of us can be forgiven for any of this

You are always everywhere and everything always seems to remind me of you like next doors cat or the smell of sweat
Or somehow whenever my eyes go that certain shade of green in the light I want to cry
There are certain things that only you and I will ever understand like the blue bandana or the shower plan or the movie plan that never became anything more than just plans
And I guess I should be thankful that we still have secrets left to tell because you already told all your friends everything you promised you wouldn’t
But I guess your promises meant nothing because you only ever made two and broke them both

Love is magical
I still believe that
Even after everything
But I also believe that love can turn to heartbreak in a matter of moments
And heartbreak is anything but magical
Heartbreak is dreaming about him every single night for 3 weeks
To the point where sometimes you wake up unaware of what happened in the dream but somehow you still know it was about him
Heartbreak is talking to his best friend hoping that he’s spoken about you
Heartbreak is the pain you feel when you discover he has spoken about you, but none of it good
Heartbreak is drinking too much so that in the morning you can blame the 3 missed calls and 14 messages on the alcohol that was pulsing through your veins
Heartbreak is pure fucking pain
But I also believe that heartbreak eventually leads to healing
And the healing is the part that makes all the heartbreak fade away
Healing is learning to sleep in your own bed, even though when you roll over you can still catch his scent
Healing is starting to love your body for yourself and not just because use to tell you he loved it when you were taking off your clothes for him
Healing is opening up to your mother, it’s letting her hug and take care of you like she did when you were a child
Healing is playing outside in the garden with your brother and laughing until you can’t breathe
Healing is genuinely laughing until everything else is irrelevant, it is not the fake laughter you became so use to
Healing is skipping the sad songs
Healing is dying your hair white because you wanted to and you are finally doing things for yourself
Healing is rebuilding yourself bit by bit until suddenly the last puzzle piece slots into place and you are not the person you use to be
Healing makes everything okay again