I spent five years convincing myself that i would never in my life again meet someone like you. i was wrong. because i convinced myself that you’re perfect but you’re not, and it’s not exactly your fault that i thought the world of you but maybe you could have dropped the halo a little bit. everything i thought i knew was a lie. you’re not the person i’m in love with, not really. i’ve spent years wrong poetry about the way your voice sounds when you lose yourself in it, i never get tired. i could spend the rest of my life finding metaphors for the way that i think in a sense you might have saved me; fifteen and drink on my sofa. My point here is that i have turned you into a poem and ventured my whole life around it. and to you i am just a girl.

the castle on the hill crumbled for good this time and it’s not my fault

no matter how much you tell yourself it is

nothing is ever invincible, not even us

no matter how much we convinced ourselves nothing could ever break us

no matter how many times we rebuilt what we’d lost just to watch it come crashing back down

sometimes i visit the lake we use to go to when one of us sad or when we wanted an excuse to smoke our lungs black or drown our livers in the alcohol we weren’t old enough to buy yet

i think about all the things we left behind and how a tiny piece of me would give anything to have it back

but darling we have taken this too far to bounce back this time

the castle on the hill came crashing down

and i refuse to go tumbling down with it.

you knew too well how to wear girls down

you’d already had too much practice

so by the time i met you

breaking me was an act you could perform effortlessly

we will be remembered, as we should

the whole of this god forsaken town already knows the story of us

people i’ve never seen before in my life still say your name when they find out mine

does it kill you knowing that they know everything?

because i cannot live with the whispers behind my back anymore

how do you like everyone knowing our secrets? our broken promises? everything we ever whispered behind closed doors when we thought no one could hear us?

did you know it would end like this?

maybe we both knew we’d go up in flames from the start

maybe we chose to ignore it

maybe we both deserve all of this

i am in love with you and i have been in love with you since i was thirteen years old. three summers have passed and the people we are now would be unrecognisable to the kids we were then but the one thing that hasn’t changed is the love i have for you. through everything, it hasn’t faded one bit.

i am in love with you. and it doesn’t matter that you don’t love me back anymore because i think that loving you saved me. when dirty hands were touching me, you’re voice was in my head telling me “no”, telling me “that boy is in love with your body and not with you, this isn’t what real love looks like”

i am in love with you and i have loved you through everything and that is okay. it’s okay it’s okay it’s okay.

The happiness slips it’s way in when you’re too busy focusing on not dying

It creeps up on you at the exact moment you thought you’d lost it for good

And something inside you clicks and you don’t want to die anymore

All of a sudden, sad songs are just sad songs

And ghosts still appear every now and then but you’ve learnt that you can just blink them away

You notice things you never noticed before when you were too stuck inside your own head

Like the painting the sun makes when it’s setting but hasn’t fully disappeared yet

Or the way even when the darkness has completely taken over the stars finally get to show their beauty to the sleeping world

The happiness shines through the scars and the pain and shows you beauty you never thought you’d be capable to see

The happiness shines through and it gets better

It gets better and you don’t want to die

You don’t want to die and you’re alive

You’re alive you’re alive you’re alive

Tell me how I’m suppose to move on when you find your way into everything I do

How am I suppose to forget your face when I see your eyes every time I shut mine?

They say with time things get easier and you move on, but you’re still haunting me

Everything you did still haunts me

poems for all the boys i have kissed

1. you kissed like curiosity

the soft kind

the kind of kiss you miss

three years down the line

when you realise how cruel people really are

2. i’m sorry for kissing you

when deep down i knew i didn’t want you

i’m sorry for making you believe

it could ever be more than it was

3. you were my best friend

i still can’t decide whether

i’m thankful for it

or if i hate you

for blurring all the lines

4. every single kiss led to something more

i could write a whole book

about you and the way you taste

but frankly

you don’t deserve it

5. you kissed me like you were hungry

i’m so glad i never gave you anything more

6. i’m sorry

but you fitted into the story all too well

i think i just liked being the mysterious girl

more than i actually liked you

7. it shouldn’t have happened

but you took away the pain

i stopped hurting over him

the second your lips touched mine

and for that reason

i wouldn’t change it

even though every ounce of me

should regret it

8. i felt like i was in a movie that night

all the drink

our best friends kissing in the back seats

your hand on my thigh

as you drove us to the beach

the music

the sea

the sand

and your lips

it was wrong

all of it

the biggest mistake of your life was more mistakes than you can count all merged into one

innocence turned to guilt in two weeks

and guilt turned to a god damn hurricane after a month

thirty days later and you can’t figure out how you could mistake all the red warnings for pretty lights

how you could see the road so clear when there were car crashes left, right and centre

you try to place the blame somewhere where it looks like it fits but you know where it truly should be

the blame belongs here

the blame always belonged here

the poems aren’t about him anymore

but they might as well be

because the only reason i let you close enough to touch me

is because the words you speak may as well be coming out of his mouth

i am not the one to blame for this mess

when he was the one who left me so blinded that i could only fall back into the arms of boys that would only ever drop me in the end

falling into boys who only treat me as a body

boys who treat me like he did

i’ll search for anyone that reminds me of the way he left

and i’ll tear myself apart for it afterwards

but its all i know

he is all i know

thank you for the clarification that you don’t hate me, you just don’t particularly want to know me anymore

and i can understand why you hate my friends, but maybe if you hadn’t have done what you did they wouldn’t scream at you in the streets

and yes, i am mentally ill, you guessed correctly

our last conversation wasn’t how i imagined it but it was enough for me to want to let go

it was bad enough for me to delete you

so i guess this is goodbye for good

until the next time the alcohol takes over my blood

because deleting your number means nothing when it’s memorised like the back of my hand

Dear me 6 months ago,

Right now you’re drunk, or maybe you’re sobering up by now. Either way, today was the last day you will spend in this world pure. you will never be as innocent as you are today ever again. embrace it. please.

tomorrow morning you will wake up as one person and go to sleep as another. the choice you will make tomorrow will completely change the way you are. it will change you as a person. 6 months later and you will still be picking up the pieces. 6 months later and the blood will no longer be on his bedsheets, but on your own.

tomorrow you will give everything you have to the blonde boy you want so desperately to want you. you already know all too much about his reputation but at the moment you’re convinced you can change him if only you give him the biggest piece of yourself you have to offer. you can’t. that boy is a taker. he will take everything you have and he will leave you empty. from that moment on you will be his but he won’t care as long as he’s got another girl to mess around with.

right now i know you’re not scared but you should be. you should be fucking petrified. you’re not expecting it to hurt and at first it won’t. but tomorrow night you are going to go home and fall asleep in tears of regret. tomorrow night you are going to be crawling at your skin in attempts to undo what you’ve done

dear me 6 months ago,

it’s too late for me now but it’s not too late for you. turn around and walk away. i am begging you. don’t go to his house and don’t give away everything you have to a boy who has never known how to hold on to anything. that boy is going to kill you and i’m scared for you. i’m so fucking scared for you.

when i saw you that night

when i stumbled round the corner with my friends and a bottle of vodka

i wanted to cry

i wanted to cry until you felt bad enough to try and save me

but i guess my body got bored of crying over you

my brain got tired of missing you

so i walked straight past

and when my friends screamed at you and you screamed at me i wanted to cry

but i couldn’t

when you told me to go home for a while i thought that maybe you still cared a little bit

but when i realised that you just wanted me gone i swear i wanted to cry

when i saw you that night it hurt

it hurt like a knife but it didn’t matter anymore

or maybe it did matter

but it didn’t matter enough for tears anymore

and maybe that’s a start

i like to think that the reason you didn’t let me come back everytime i came running was because you didn’t want to put me through that pain again,

and not because you’re fucking her now,

not because you’ve found someone else to fill the heart shaped hole in your chest so you don’t need me around to do it anymore,

something in me likes to think that somewhere in you there is a boy who regrets the hurt he’s caused and the scars he’s made and not just a boy who wears girls down until they’re just skin and bone and then heartlessly wanders off to the next.

If there was ever any hope the devil snatched it away

If there was ever a chance of forgiveness for any of this I turned it down when I ran back into your arms

If there was ever a way to get away I would have found it by now

But there’s not an escape, there’s no hope and neither of us can be forgiven for any of this

So love ends and I cry and my mother tells me that maybe in a years time you might have learnt to love me back

But in a years time I won’t be as pure as I once was and you’ll be racing to catch up

In a years time you’ll have learned your place and kissed too many girls, whilst I’m fucking a boy that always tells me he’s in love with my body, but never in love with me

In a years time I’ll be in therapy, finally getting better, but in a years time you won’t be as willing to wait around for me to heal

In a years time I’ll start believing in God and you would have lost your connection with him

Because in a years time you’ll be a new person and so will I but we’ll both still be two lost teenagers finding themselves and trying to make it as more than “just friends”

So it’s me, you and the bottle of vodka hidden in my sock drawer,
It’s me drinking too much and crying
It’s you tracing the scars on my wrist and telling me it’s in the past
You you you
It’s you hiding the vodka so I can’t drink anymore
You deleting everything off my phone that you know it kills me to look at
You pulling me into your lap and wrapping me up into the safety of your arms
Your heart beating into my cheek, faster and faster
You, reading my favourite book to me
Me, falling in love with every word that leaves your lips
It’s you caring too much for someone that you shouldn’t care for
It’s us, the most un friendly “just friends” that this world has ever known

You are always everywhere and everything always seems to remind me of you like next doors cat or the smell of sweat
Or somehow whenever my eyes go that certain shade of green in the light I want to cry
There are certain things that only you and I will ever understand like the blue bandana or the shower plan or the movie plan that never became anything more than just plans
And I guess I should be thankful that we still have secrets left to tell because you already told all your friends everything you promised you wouldn’t
But I guess your promises meant nothing because you only ever made two and broke them both

There is such uniqueness about taking public transport. You are in this kind of ambulant ephemeral something until you reach your final destination, and you don’t feel the necessity to share anything because let us be honest, isn’t everyone streaming within their heads already?

A list of winter aesthetics

• Holding hands under blankets
• Listening to old songs and letting them carry you to an another time
• Owning a journal and filling it with your favourite moments of the season so you won’t forget about them because they will become moments from your past one day so they are important
• Picking up a random book from your dusty shelf and daring to finish it
• Covering yourself with tones of clothes from head to toe
• Sleepovers with friends
• Having lunch dates with friends in their car while the rain is pouring outside
• Hydrating and moisturizing
• Drawing symbols on the windows covered with humidity
• Spending your free time napping or getting cozy under your blankets while watching your favorite movie
• Making handmade cards then sending them to your dearest people
• Rescuing stray cats and giving them shelter
• Romanticizing your life by thinking that everything you do is worth the care and admiration
• Reading, reading and reading
• Going to art exhibitions of artists you’ve never heard of
• Long walks alone or with your friends and making up back stories for people you see on the street
• Waking up early than usual when the world is still asleep
• Listening to some playlists made by strangers on the internet
• The agreeable warmth of your cocoa cup between your hands
• Feeling the delicate coldness of the snowflakes on your skin

A list of lovely moments and feelings

• Slow dances to your favorite tune alone or with someone you love
• Random and unexpected hugs
• Handwritten letters
• The smell of books and the sound of turning pages
• Hearing the phrase “I love you”
• Compliments from strangers
• Returned smiles
• Someone playing with your hair
• Sunrises and sunsets
• Handwritten notes found in old books
• Cardigans, big sweaters and knitted socks
• The taste of food after a long, tiring day
• When you finish reading a great book and you feel like you’ve lost a good friend forever
• Feeling the cold wind caressing you skin and hair
• When you’re at the beach and you close your eyes to listen to the sounds of ocean waves crushing against the shore
• Playing with children and hearing them laugh
• Making lists
• Long, meaningful discussions with someone who means a lot to you
• Slow kisses
• Being brave enough to do the right thing
• Hearing “this made me think of you” and “I miss you”
• Playing with animals on the street
• Visiting your grandparents
• Long peaceful baths
• unexpected car trips
• No homework
• The excitement of new beginnings
• Waking up after remembering a nice dream

Tumblr is the sanctuary of every introvert on earth, you just can’t prouve me wrong.

in october i fall in love with everything. the way the sun sets, the orange and pink bleeding into one against the clouds. the way the air turns crisp, how it calms the warmth in california. the world bursts into crimson and gold, everything rusted and rotted seems painted with poetry. the leaves at my feet, the smell of cinnamon tea. the way books bring more comfort when paired with a blanket. journals fill up faster, candlelight feels like warmth wrapped around you, ink stained fingers get lost in sweaters. chilly mornings when one blanket isn’t enough, rain racing down windows, dew settled on grass. night skies mixed with stars and gloom. everything. i’m falling in love.

Makaikyas ra guro ko ani no kung mawala kos world

When everyone else is against you, who do you go to?

Why am I hated?

It’s hard. I have no reason to, but I am inexplicably unhappy.