#mga five episode two

II-II : chamber of reflection — the skill showcase interview

      june 2019. mga 5 skill showcase. wordcount: 906
            featuring: @joohyunrk@rknak@rkheejin@rkxbin

fix your hair here. apply more lipstick. it’s the same cycle once again. jungeun finds herself in another interview room, where she waits for the next interview to commence. she hopes its the same guy who’s been interviewing her for the past few sessions. jungeun thinks she might have formed a friendship with him, though its probably some form of delusion from finding out his name. kang-pdor something like that. she doesn’t actually want to be friends with him though, she just wants to irritate him with her answers. 

the door opens and he enters, with the same not this shit again face. but, she supposes its more like a oh, what shit are we getting into now face. jungeun thinks she’s warmed up to him. 

( and she hopes she’s warmed up to the viewers as well. ) 

the cycle included the interviewer wasting no time to get to the questions. there were fifty other interviews to do and time doesn’t stop for any of them. jungeun closes her eyes for a moment and wishes that she’d reach the point where she’d have a thirty minute interview. better yet—a documentary. 

— what were your thoughts about last week? 

“i worked hard. so i knew it wouldn’t falter,” jungeun replied. she thinks about this saying she heard about during her time in los angeles. “hard work will never betray you." 

she translates the term in korean and the interviewer nods once before moving on to the next question. 

—you had one week to prepare your performance. your name has been mentioned quite a few times. clue us in on your process. 

jungeun’s taken aback and she takes a second to process his string of statements. my name has been mentioned? she raises her brow in thought. she hopes they were only goodwords but she supposes its asking for too much if she wished that. she wasn’t one to sugarcoat her words. was she going to sugarcoat her words?

she reaches a point where she’s beginning to think too much. in reality, its been five seconds but there wasn’t time to spare. 

"oh,” jungeun jumps in her seat as she realizes she’s lost in thought. “right. process. do you guys even want to hear about that?" 

"we’re here for a reason, aren’t we?" 

”right.“jungeun runs her finger through her hair and takes a deep breath in. "so, i basically practiced non-stop. i don’t believe in breaks." 

"you don’t?” the interviewer is caught off guard, which catches jungeun off guard. she almost wants to say, we’re in an idol competition; no one has breaks in the idol world. 

“i mean, obviously i eat. i sleep. do the things to upkeep my survival but i don’t believe in slacking off. i practiced for ten or more hours everyday and spent the last day practicing in front of my team." 

"yourteam?” the interviewer asks and makes a ‘hmm’ sound. jungeun understands how it could have sounded pretentiousbut she wasn’t going to apologize for having a support system. 

“yeah my team.” she imitates his tone. “well, just some of my teachers and my mom. i got critiques thrown at me while i danced my routine, i think it helped.with the outcome. at least, it helped with how i performed it. i don’t know how others might have perceived my routine. but, i’m satisfied with my performance; i don’t want to leave with any regrets.”

—perception is important. one performance can look great to some but horrible to others. who did you think did the best under each skill? 

“honestly. i didn’t care for the rappers and singers.” jungeun says, as she crossed her legs and placed her hands atop her knees. “other than my friends,of course. heejin and changbin especially,i had no doubt they’ll always do great. but i’ve already rambled about them last week. do you want me to ramble on about them again?" 

the interviewer gives a go ahead gesture but jungeun decides to skip it. 

—did you pay attention to the dancers? 

”of course,“jungeun replies. "i’m a dancer. that’s one of the reasons why i didn’tpay close attention to the other performers. i think i was too immersed on focusing on mydirect competition for this week." 

—what did you think about the dancers today? 

"bae joohyun. she did bad.” that’s the first name that appeared in her head. she cannot sugarcoat the truth and its worse with dancing. you can seethe quality of one’s performance, there’s often no chance for explanation. “but, i feel like she should have done better. she shouldn’t have exerted herself too much. i could tell she’s a dancer and a good one. but dancers have their off days and she should have prevented it from it being today." 

"nakyung,” jungeun’s face turns sour as she thinks about the girl. they werefriends. or are,officially. but jungeun thinks about the time she found out nakyung was the user behind her enemyonstantwitter. jungeun knows its immature to think about but she couldn’t believe nakyung was someone who could have an absolute lackof taste. “she’s cute.it was cute, i guess. that’s what you expect from someone like her." 

the interviewer nods and jungeun knows its over. she’s said enough. she just hopes this isn’t her last.   

II-I : putting the motion in emotion — the skill showcase 

      june 2019. mga 5 skill showcase. wordcount: 3713 (damn wtf my bad…ily bianca) 
                   dancing to bellyache bybillie eilish(1:24 - 2:46 ) / outfit
              tw: slight mentions of food and tough mother-child r/s
         mentioning:@rkheejin,@rkxbin,@rkpwj,@rkkyul,@yuzurk

jungeun finds herself sitting inside the darkness of one of her mother’s studios. she was definitely procrastinatingand although it was only ten minutes since she decided to turn the lights off, any second spent not dancingwas a second wasted. 

she couldn’t think of a choreography to choose. first of all, she couldn’t think of a songto dance to. she muses on the idea of dancing without music. tap dancing? that’s something she could do—if she didn’t take this competition seriously. 

“jungeun!” the blonde jumps as her mother opened the door of the studio. her mom opens the lights of the studio abruptly, shaking her head upon seeing her daughter sit in the darkness. jungeun stood up, squinting her eyes as she tried to adjust to the unwelcomed burst of light. “i did notcancel a sum of my classes and let you borrow one of my studios for you to just meditate in the dark!”

ah, the perks of having a mom who owned her own dance academy. 

as soon as her mom left the studio, jungeun slid across the room with her socks to turn the lights off once again. she wasn’t done with her odd way of brainstorming but she hastily activated her melon app to play music, to fool her mother into thinking she was actually practicing. 

sensory deprivation was her last resort to help her come up with ideas. taking away her sight and touch allowed her to be left alone with her thoughts. but being left alone with her thoughts was going into a weird territory. or was it just the billie eilish playing that made her think that way? jungeun grabbed her phone—now playing: billie eilish. 

yup, it was definitely the billie eilish playing. 

the lightbulb inside jungeun’s brain suddenly blinks and she jumps. she almost trips, almost losing her chance to compete but the literal light is opened. its time to dance. she couldn’t waste anymore time. 

— flashback: first episode filming and the day after —

kim jungeun. 

her eyes widen upon hearing her name called. she almost blurts out, “are they calling my name?” though, its obvious she is the only kim jungeun there. the list of names continues to be read, then a brief moment of silence is held before the CEOs mention the next challenge.

right.fifty people is still a large number. despite it being smaller than one hundred, it still signified that jungeun needed to step it up. as each round passed and more people continued to be weeded out, it became increasingly obvious that those who remained were extremely skilled. she wanted to be smug and pretend that some of them weren’t betterthan her but that wasn’t true.

as she leaves the studio with heejin, she congratulates some of her friends who’ve also made it. she sees changbin and playfully tells him, “i put a word in or two for you, it must have work.” she also sees woojin and she gives him a single nod when their eyes meet ( because frenemies never seem to congratulate each other normally ). 

jungeun goes wherever the celebration requires her to be at but all she’s waiting for is to be home.heejin drags her to a get together with some other contestants and she tries not to drink as she tries to pick at the minds of her competitors. she feels the drag on her body as time goes on and she waits for the perfect opportunity to say her goodbyesandsee you’s. a few hours pass and she finally finds herself entering the code in her front door’s keypad. she opens the door, a detested expression on her face. her parents stand up from their couch, hopeful expressions on their face. 

“honey,” jungeun’s father is the first to say something. based on his daughter’s expression, he’s wary of saying the wrong thing. “we’re sorry…" 

"huh?” jungeun raises a brow. she picks up her beloved dog and hugs him, expression immediately lightening up. “sorry for what? do we have food? i’m really hungry right now." 

"your expression.” he added. if she wasn’t sad about the audition, what else could she have been sad about? 

“oh,” jungeun put her dog down and walked forward to hug her parents. she couldn’t find the energy to yell ‘i made it!’  “i made it to the second round but i’m really hungry right now.”

the family find themselves in a late night barbeque restaurant. the blonde’s had her fair share of late night barbeque sessions for the last few months. she told herself that she wouldn’t eat anymore meat, especially when she was about to join a competition but she revises that this is her lastsupper.her parents are more than proud of their daughter and they repeat that sentiment for a good thirty minutes. her parents bombard her with questions about her day and especially about the ceos. 

how pretty did katie lee look in real life? junghoon! 

the conversation continues to be nonchalant but you can never separate a dance mom from her game. jungeun’s mom flips her role from a supportive mom to a pushy coach. “so, what are you going to dance to next?" 

the next morning comes and the mother-daughter pair enter their academy. jungeun’s mother leaves to go to her office to handle some paperwork, while jungeun walks towards one of the empty studios. jungeun’s mother graciously( or so the elder adds ) allowed her daughter to use one of the studios. not that jungeun was going to ask her mother for permission anyways. 

—flashback over—

jungeun’s happy that an idea finallyappeared in her head because if it hadn’t, she might have tap-danced her way into the third round. it has only been three hours since she’s started practicing ( and a day after the first episode filming ) but she couldn’t waste anymore time. after sifting through songs and facetiming some of her colleagues, jungeun came up with a choreography to perform.

she wasn’t going to lie and say that she didn’thave any apprehension about the choreography she was going to perform. 

versatility wasn’t foreign to her but was taking a risk the best option for her? she presented an energetic yet flirty image with her first episode performance, which seemed to work. but, she couldn’t fall back on what’s safe. 

safe always gets boring somehow and jungeun was notboring. 

the choreography the dancer was performing was something she was definitely comfortable with. its style more in the vein of the styles she grew up dancing in—contemporary, modern, lyrical. but, its expression was definitely not something jungeun frequently played with. 

it was compelling, yet a bit creepy. 

was she ready for creepy? she knew that she wanted to stand out as much as possible but she didn’t know if giving the judges nightmareswas the best way to do so. either way, she pushed her apprehension aside and began to practice memorizing the steps. if she spent more time worrying, she wasn’t going to have anytime practicing. if she wasn’t going to spend time practicing, she wasn’t going to the third episode and so forth.

five, six, seven, eight. she chants those numbers dozens of times over the next few hours, to the point where she was certain she could do the choreography in her sleep. bathroom, eating, and sleeping are the only breaks she allows for herself. 

there’s a point where she’s exerted her muscles too much to continue practicing for the day. she was too lost in the music to realize that she stepped out into a completely pitch black academy and her mom no where to be found. 

goddamit, dancing to a billie eilish song was a bad idea. 

the next day arrives and fortunately, a paranormal experience exacerbated by the billie eilish songs she was listening to didn’t occur. again, she only takes breaks for the bathroom, eating, or sleeping. the rest of her time was spent on ensuring she had the technicalities down. if the first day was spent ensuring she got the choreography right until she was able to do it in her sleep, this day was spent ensuring she was able to do the choreography right if she magically projected out of her body ( if that was even possible ). 

the third day was new. she was getting to the point where muscle memory took the wheel. all was left was for her to make the choreography her own. to add her parts of her identity. to make breathe lifeinto it. 

she admits she was getting bored of performing in front of her reflection. she thought of anyone she could perform it to. her friends who were trainees were obviously too busy. heejin was singing and changbin was rapping—having them in the room would probably be simultaneously distracting. there were a few other contestants she knew but she didn’t have much trust for them to be in the room with her. 

ugh. 

she grabs her phone during a water break as she thinks of possibly the lastperson on earth who she wanted in the room with her. but, she was getting bored ( and maybe lonely ). 

kkt — to: park woojin

> hey. my mom owns a dance academy and has an extra studio that i’ve been practicing in. i don’t know if you’re still hoping that dancing thing would work out for you but if you needed a place to practice, i have one.
> *address attached*
> not that i want you there. my dad just tells me i need to do charitable things monthly. so this is my act of charity for this month.
> but if you decide to come, bring earphones or whatever. i don’t want to hear your annoying ass music.

she’s surprised when she sees her mom and the drummer/dancer at the door of the studio. she opens it, only to hear her mom say, "oh, i didn’t know you were planning to do a couple dance.”

jungeun ( and she’s sure woojin as well ) almost blurts out a loud what the fuck. but, jungeun closes the door without saying anything else and glares once at her mom. mental note: have the ‘he’s just a colleague’ conversation with mom later. 

the studio is big enough for the two of them…to be on separate sides of the room. they have earphones or airpods, in jungeun’s case because she alwayshas to mention it, placed in both of their ears. 

jungeun plays her music too loud to hear what the boy was dancing to but she assumes its either r&b or hip-hop from the flow of his movements. her goal was to immerse herself into the choreography she’s chosen, so she tries to lose herself in the music to focus on her facials and expression. her choreography is a bit out there and she notices woojin give her a whole ’what the fuck’ look through the mirror. she mouths, “fuck yourself” through the mirror and the two continue to dance while mildlyminding their own business. 

there was a point where she feels her stomach growl and she says the first thing to woojin since he arrived. “are you hungry? can—go to the convenience store with me. i can’t have you alone in the studio. your metal energy might thrash my mom’s shit and i’dbe the one getting into trouble.”

the two grab snacks, which jungeun graciouslypays for and tells him that its no big deal like a broken record. when the two return to the studio, they eat in silence as if a live ASMR mukbang was being filmed. they only speak when jungeun throws a packet at him and does the opengesture; he doesn’t understand her, so she shakes her head and says, “open.” she notices her tone is too demanding, even if it was towards him. “please.”  

he throws the packet back at her, almost spilling the contents all over the floor and she just sighs instead of calling him stupid. the two continue to practice in their separate sides of the studio. jungeun almost wants to ask him for his constructive criticism but she could read his expressions through the mirror. her pride was also a factor—she’ll never bow down to ask him for help in something thatimportant. when the night falls, the two leave the studio without any word except for jungeun telling him, “don’t let the monsters chase you.”

goddammit, listening to billie eilish for ten hours really was a bad idea. 

the next few days are spent perfecting her performance. the choreography was down but she needed to fullyembrace the oddities of it. she also spends time shopping. she wishes it was for leisure but she wanted to make an impression. at least, that’s what her excuse was for spending almost one hundred thousand won. 

in an almost rocky-like sequence, she asks her mom and most trusted teachers to help her sharpen her choreography. she performs it over and over again, having critiques thrown at her while she dances. more power! extend your leg out more! hold that pose more! keep it at 90 degrees! 

she dances until sweat is dripping down her forehead and pain is felt when she tries to inhale. she knows its over when her mother says, “alright, let’s get dinner now." 

jungeun’s mom was caring as a mother but tough as a dance instructor. since childhood, jungeun only remembers her mother supporting her dreams without question—from the simplest to the largest. but when it came to dancing, jungeun’s mother became more critical. jungeun supposed it was due to her mother’s background, considering she was once a prima ballerina. eunbi only stepped down on her own accord, not because she got into trouble or was physically inept. she was once the best, so she expected her daughter to be the best or better. 

jungeun would remember her mother immediately running to her side when she fell off a slide or swing as a child, immediately kissing the injury and buying the young girl her favorite ice cream. yet, her approach changed when jungeun would fall during a dance practice. did you flex your abdomen? your balance is weak, that’s why you fell. do it again. 

"kick their asses tomorrow,” jungeun’s mother suddenly breaks the silence in their car ride. “you got this.”

jungeun tries to hide a smile. you got this—its the first time she’s heard her mother say that in regards to a performance. and its all she needed. 

jungeun finds herself in a mnet recording studio once again. its like last week’s configuration but smaller. the change forces the blonde to put things in perspective. there’s less of them, so the competition is greater. jungeun scans the room for who really made it; there’s definitely more faces she’s familiar with than not. she says hi to those she knows and to a few she recognizes from the get-together yuzu held. 

her heart beats faster when she thinks about the fact that she’ll specifically be against other dancers. she’s sitting next to one—kyulkyung.she notices the raven haired girl was wearing shoes and she raises a brow. “no ballet today,” jungeun asks, tone playfully curious. jungeun taps her vans together unconsciously. she sees another competitor and possibly her life’scompetitor—woojin. she thinks he’s in good hands; she could tell from the day they practiced, when she was pretending to mark her steps to watch him dance instead. 

yet, pride is the devil on her shoulder. so she tells him, “i hope practicing at my mom’s studio saved you.”

when jungeun returns to her seat, she rubs her knees and spends the rest of the time waiting to talk to heejin and whoever else surrounded her. the loud boomplays once again. the lights shining on the five figures. the slow walking. she knows its all dramatics—tv ratings and all. though she really thinks she might be at mount olympus, waiting for the gods’ judgement upon her.

the festivities commence and the carousel of performances turn. everyone seemed to share the same thought; they needed to step their game up and it showed.she didn’t care much for the rapping and dancing performances, except for a few. scratch that, except for heejin’s. they’ve mentioned their ideas to each other once or twice but jungeun wanted to be surprised.so, she tells her best friend not to spoil her performance before hand too much. she claps when her best friend performs, stands up even. she holds her hands together by her cheek in awe. it seemed like heejin took a risk as well but jungeun had no doubt in the brunette.    

she claps out of respect for the dancers and rappers but she does so in a zombie-like fashion. she wasn’t paying much attention to analyze their performances. but she remembers a few that stand out. most of her attention is saved for all of the dancers. her eyes trace their steps and she counts the music that plays, wishingthat someone would miss a beat. she doesn’t notice much mistakes, causing her heart to beat faster and stomach to cramp. its anticipation and anxiety, every performance is spent with her internalizing wishes of being called next.   

finally, her name is called. she takes off her shoes before stepping on stage. she isn’t completely barefoot, as dance paws are worn around her feet. as she walks to the stage, which seems like forever,she thinks about how dance paws are one of the greatest invention known to dancers. less bulkier than wearing shoes but safer than being barefoot. she doesn’t think there’s anything greater than these, except for spandex. maybe.

its a bit redundant to introduce herself. its obvious. kim jungeun equates to dancer. instead of opening her mouth, trying to sass one of the judges, jungeun instead steps center stage. she stands still—arms relaxed to her sides, legs parallel to her shoulders. head is slightly dropped, as she waits for the technicians to play the music she provided.

sittin’ all alone mouth full of gum
in the driveway
my friends aren’t far
in the back of my car
lay their bodies

one of her favorite things about lyrical choreographies is that they were a blend of different styles. there was a certain point of grace that it required. it wasn’t graceful enough to be considered ballet. yet, there were pockets in the beat that required may require to pop or lock. but, the choreography wasn’t completely hip-hop. her extremities extended, like water flowing through a river, as billie sang and abruptly stopped, like water crashing onto a rock, whenever a clickwas heard. 

she appreciated the hybridity in lyrical routines. it was kind of like the warmporridge of the three bears’ and she was literally( thanks to her dyed hair ) goldilocks. but her favorite part of lyrical routines was its open gate of expression. she was allowed to give into the song and bare her emotions on the floor.  

if a song was a sorrowful ballad, she was free to contort her face to one of sadness. and maybe, if she was able to, cry on command. but this song required her to be one that’s lost.not lost in love or lost in dreams. but lost in thought and maybe darkness.  

where’s my mind
where’s my mind 

her limbs and torso aren’t the only parts of her body that contort. usually, dancers were advised to smile and keep their facials intact. even if they were in pain or tired. but, the lyrics were clouded with darkness and confusion. she forces her face to express the pain of performing the choreography. she admits it wasn’t a pretty face but matching the routine was more important for her. 

maybe it’s in the gutter where i left my lover
what an expensive fate
my V is for Vendetta
thought that i’d feel better

during her practices, she was apprehensive about this part of the routine. if she was doing this for a normal competition, she would have noproblem about it. but, this was largely an idolcompetition. and idols weren’t expected to be ugly or thrash around the floor. there’s a feeling in her gut that this portion would be edited into some sort of meme but she loses her pride on the floor. she moves on the floor, crawling and reaching for something. she tries to paint a scene with her expression. she wants the audience to wonder: what is she reaching for? is she trying to fight something? 

she was an actress and this was her big scene. the climax of the film. every movement brings her physically closer to the judges’ table. she decided that she would put her struggles into motion. everytime she moves her hands to reach, it represented the dreams she’s worked so hard to grasp. its hard to grasp and obstacles seem to find their way to her. she tries to express it by looking like she’s fighting against something. struggling. 

but now i got a bellyache 

the music briefly stops. the song takes a slight turn, playing billie’s altered vocals and a different beat. she dances with a smile on her face now as choreographed movements return. they’re faster than the first half of the choreography, some steps birthed by hip-hop routines. she didn’t look like she was struggling anymore. she was closer to achieving her dreams. being on the stage, she had nothing to fear and nothing to run from. 

she ended her routine on the floor, fluidly moving into her final position. she turns her head to the face at the judges, a smirk on her face appearing as the music ends. she stands up and bows to them, as she tries to control her breathing rate. she returns to her seat and the judges waste no time calling the next performer. the carousel moves once again, as jungeun tries to control her adrenaline rush. when it subsides, she feels her stomach contort again as the time for judges to evaluate draws closer. 

maybe i really do have a bellyache.