#yuzurk
“I’m just one humble gamer gal. Nothin’ outta the ordinary. Lets focus on the game, ye? Or y’can gimme more fancy identities, I’d take any.” Her user name should usually be a dead give away but with impostors on the servers and people being sceptical, it sometimes so happened someone didn’t believe her.
“Lets finish this game, ye? Mc Cree, y’ready for the final?!”
Waiting for the mysterious “Yuzuru” to return from spawn, Jaemin tries to hold off the enemy’s DPS as best as he can. He raises an eyebrow in confusion to himself when she laughs at his comment on the name. After hearing her mention that Yuzuru is the same name as a pro-skater, he speaks sourly. “Yeah, I know he’s a skater.” Even Jaemin fanboys over him, the guy’s one of the best pro skaters in the world. “I’m not saying you’re one but are you some sort of celebrity?” He questions the identity of the stranger. Had he been playing with an idol the whole time? He can’t help but feel excited at the thought. The thought distracts him so much that he doesn’t realize that they’re losing.
After she points out the he’s distracted, he shakes his head, snapping back to reality. “Don’t worry, darlin’. I’ll make sure we win. Watch this!” He smooth talks in his cowboy impression. With an melodramatic tap from his ring finger, he beings his ultimate, High Noon. Looking around the map, he lets the targets fall on half of the enemy team. Bam, bam, bam! The shots go off and Jaemin unexpectedly blurts out “Oh, I actually did it!” With a nervous laugh, he corrects himself, “I mean, I meant to do that.” Since he feels like he carried his own for this final push, he bugs the girl once again. “Are you sure you’re just some humble gamer gal?”
The announcer in the game monotonously announces, “Overtime.” Jaemin can’t help but groan, “Man, I already took out half of them!” He tilts his back to stare at the ceiling for a millisecond before snapping it back to the screen. “Hey, Miss Celeb. You going to finish this off?” An idea pops in his head and Jaemin cracks a smirk. He’s sure that she can hear the teasing in his voice, “You want to make a wager? Whichever one of us gets the most eliminations by the end of the game decides the winner.” Even though she can’t see his face, he wiggles his eyebrows. “What are you willing to wager, ma’am?”
⇢ request received: @rkjisoo !
leaving behind these walls felt weird. it had not even been a year since she had first come here and now she was leaving. like a flicker in everyone’s life she had come, brought values, taken some, made friends and now moved on to bigger things they all were hoping to achieve. she felt bad in a way. everyone had been waiting for their chance for so long and here yuzu was, coming in, sweeping everything and yeeting out to grab the dream everyone had been aiming for.
everyone but her.
with a sigh she rounded the corner, almost running into someone. “oh sorry- ah… jisoo eonni.” voice hesitative she hadn’t actually really spoken to anyone since moving to join the project. while she knew none of them would hold it against her, there was still a feeling of dread to actually bring the matter up. perhaps now was the time she’d actually have to say something.
purposeful steps aim to take her somewhere for a little reprieve in the daily mayhem. nearly three years later and she finds that she still needs time in order to breathe a little air into her lungs when things get a little too busy for her liking. while training had become more dreary these days, that is not to say that it’s less exhausting. the days just began on blurring together that it has come to the point where it is difficult to differentiate yesterday from today. when did this feeling even started for her? jisoo cannot quite tell.
her lazy focus was taken when she stops immediately to avoid bumping into someone else. once she sees who it was, she releases a sigh of relief. “it’s okay, don’t worry about it.” she smiles. it’s been awhile since she last saw the younger girl and jisoo feels the rush of seeing someone who used to be so close. “how are you? congratulations by the way. i’m really proud of you.” she says with utmost sincerity.
remember forever,
yuzurk:
never one to yield to gender rules or double standards, yuzu has remained stubborn even if she’s very aware of them. despite what kind of awareness and knowledge she shares with jisoo right now, yuzu doesn’t let it stop her nor faze her in anyway.
so she merely shrugs her shoulders and inhales a long breath before exhaling it in a rush. “well, ‘t is what ‘t is, i personally ain’t bothered. I’mma just do m’thing n’ be grateful for whoever’s gon’ support me, y’know?” and easy smile on her lips, yuzu pulls her legs to her chest and twirls her phone across her index finger casually.
“ain’t no use gettin’ all up yer head ‘bout how unfair the world is. if yer want change, y’gotta prod for it bit by bit and just continue t’live by yer own standards,” she offers her mindset before focusing her gaze on her phone. “if I ever do make it, I’m gon’ stick by that two years rule n’ the see if me n’ sese wanna reveal what we got. regardless if any bans, I ain’t need anyone t’know. I much prefer my privacy.”
the tone of resilience she is able to pick up from the younger’s words leaves a lot to be admired. jisoo believes it takes a lot of confidence from someone to admire that they do not mind losing the support of many so long as you get to maintain the true few.
in a lot of ways, she adheres to that kind of thinking too. while she lives for the applause and admiration of many people, she does not think being subjected to hearing a few is not such a bad consequence if she gets to live her authentic self in exchange. “i agree. in fact, i think that kind of set up would be incredibly rewarding since you know that the people who decided to stick around did so for they genuinely like you.”
the world they live in can be disappointingly superficial at times. there’s great merit to be found in being supported and admired for who you really are, rather than other people’s projection of you. “that’s a very optimistic mindset you have.” jisoo commends, smiling softly at yena. it is true that you learn just about new things every day. “makes me wonder if i can be just as patient for our two years. if and whenever that would happen.” yena’s honesty finally prods at her own.
remember forever,
yuzurk:
for jisoo to latch onto that one comment was nice. it lightened the atmosphere and caused the streamer to giggle to herself a little. “yeah, kinda,” she ended up confirming with a smile in her voice. even when going through all the priceless, beautiful and precious males that she hold dear to her heart in a platonic manner; all of the were idiots in their own way.
she is still curious though. especially as jisoo continues on, sounding wistful and poetic like that, yuzu can’t help but wonder who that boy is that captured the elder’s heart. another day, she calms her curiosity, the senior will tell her eventually. “ ‘s always been like that doe. even as a streamer yer learn t’keep yer private life off the net. can’t tell ya the amount of times folks asked me for details outta my life I ain’t wanna share with ‘em. the gamin’ scene is more chill ‘bout datin’ but there’s other stuff y’gotta look out for, especially as a female.”
it can be said that she choose to rarely coexist with that of the male species. more so out of preservation for her sanity than anything else. still, those that do manage to wedge their way into her heart will be guaranteed a permanent space over there. whether it be romantic or platonic relations for they might be idiots, but they are her special and treasured brand of idiots.
jisoo nods her head, the corners of her lips pulled down in a frown. unfortunately, such is the way of society. women usually gain the shorter end of the stick for reasons completely unfathomable to her. they have to be more aware, more mature, more understanding, more careful. more, more, more despite the fact that they are given less than what they produce. it was exhausting. “sadly, a lot of people feel as though they’re entitled to certain things just because they support you. whatever line of privacy existed before seems to have been erased in recent years. i’m happy that hasn’t deterred you from gaming, though.”
yuzurk:
✉ ⇢ jisoo eonni
[ ✉ ] I mean… thanks for sayin’ that
[ ✉ ] i dunno doe I’m still confused
[ ✉ ] there’s tonsa better girls here, y’know?
[ ✉ ] trained longer too
[ ✉ ] especially gahyeonnie :’<
[ ✉ ] I ain’t never forget ya ever!
[ ✉ ] I dunno if they’d allow me t’mention I was a royal trainee
[ ✉ ] but if they will, y’bet imma talk ‘bout how amazin’ y’all are
CONTACT. ━━ 예나
❝ ━ i know it’s totally normal to feel that way but don’t forget, you earned your spot.
❝ ━ sphere chose you for a reason so don’t go doubting yourself now that you’ve come that far.
❝ ━ i’m sure gahyeon would find her spot too and there’s probably just a method to the entire thing.
❝ ━ i have faith in you both.
❝ ━ thank you! spread the good word for all of us ♡
@rkxluda (debut morning)
yuzu was a mix of adrenaline, caffeine and exhaustion the moment she got into the car. head immediately falling into luda’s shoulder the moment they were all buckled up and on their way to their first music show appearance. it was their first schedule. they were about to have their debut stage.
to say yuzu was nervous would be a vast understatement.
she grumbled as she tried to get comfortable on luda’s shoulder, hoping the soothing scent of her eonni would help calm her down a little to at least get a bit of rest. with so much nervous energy thrumming through her veins, anxious of screwing up steps she knew she could dance in her sleep by now, yuzu knew she had to try and find something to help put her at ease.
gaming had helped her fall asleep last night but now?
Luda was lost in thought when she felt the younger girl’s head lean onto her. Her lips pulled up into a soft smile, quite contrary to the chaos of emotions she felt. It was a welcome break from her own thoughts and she figured the others would be similarly nervous or at least excited.
“Didn’t sleep too well?” she asked, whispering so she wouldn’t bother the others too much in case any of them tried to sleep a little bit more. Surprisingly, she’d actually managed to sleep last night, maybe she’d been so nervous that it’d simply knocked her out, but now she was wide awake. Still pretty tired, though.
She tried shifting a little bit, so that her shoulder was a little bit lower and more comfortable to reach for Yuzu, though with her small height that may not be too much of a problem.
yuzurk:
the moment they step outside together, yuzu raises her gaze up towards the cloudy sky. it was a shame that all the nights kept most of the stars hidden. she’d always miss the nights at the beach when she and her middle school friends would take a quick trip down to the coast in canada. the night sky back then was amazing and nothing she had seen in korea could come close to it. perhaps jeju- maybe.
the feeling of- could she call it homesickness- remained persistently stuck in her gut. it was a sign yuzu knew she should address sooner or later but she didn’t want to worry anyone and potentially if she ignored it for long enough things would solve themselves eventually.
“the songs are neat,” she responds, expertly dodging the question about how she was adapting. all of the girls were nice no question there but to narrow herself down to this extend, losing about all her comfort go to things from her cat to her roommate to her computer set up, she really wasn’t sure if she could find herself ever truly at home in the dorm. the constant fear of stepping on anyone’s toes kept her quiet and a lot less lively than she actually was or people knew her to be.
Her gaze followed the other’s up to the sky as she enjoyed the air, wondering if she would ever get to see a cloudless, star-filled sky. Seoul surely wasn’t a good starting point and she’s only been to one place where it would’ve been possible, hadn’t she been too busy training.
So, compared to Yuzu, she’s never really been anywhere outside of Korea before the Heartz Project. For her, wanderlust was much more relatable, though, of course, she didn’t know how the other felt. She couldn’t read minds, after all.
“Hmm,” she hummed nodding, getting the feeling that she shouldn’t continue asking about it, so she quietly sighed instead, eyes lowering to wherever they were walking to instead. The girl didn’t mind silence when around friends, but with anyone she didn’t know as well, it was easy to feel a little awkward.
“I wonder where they’ll send us for the unit filming,” she said eventually, finding that she liked travelling a bit more than staying at the dorm, feeling a little bit more free than when they were stuck inside.
.・.✭a whole new world
yuzurk:
yuzu smiled easily. the last she wanted was to embarrass luda or put her on the spot. to the gamer it was merely funny. a part of her also felt great about being researched. whenever it happened she got surprised how much content one could find when just googling for choi yuzu or sangkeumyuzu. hands in her pockets she also doesn’t mind explaining anyone the world of gaming.
potentially she could even game a bit with luda in the future? considering they could potentially end up in the same group it may be a good call to actually get closer with her. “precisely! if y'play ‘em of course ’s more fun ‘cause y'can just thrash everythin’ but if yer a challenger who likes 'emselves a bit of a tough match up, it deffo ain’t neat. if yer on the high tier levels it dun really matter anyway cause yer skilled enough to outplay 'em anyway but for amateurs, the unbalance can be quite frustratin’.”
swaying back and forth as she shifts her weight, the streamer smiled. “thanks. it ain’t debut quite yet so I dunno if I’m gon’ end up with you n’ the rest. ’s gon’ be fun doe from what yer told me.”
Luda nodded along, needing a little bit to put the puzzle pieces together, after all she had no knowledge of gaming whatsoever. There wasn’t even really much of a reason for it, she’d just never gone out of her way to try anything and none of her friends had ever really asked her to try anything either, except for the occasional mobile or some simple, calm single player games. There was probably a word for those, but she didn’t know it.
“Is it seen as a negative thing to play those types of characters then?”s he asked curiously, wondering if there was some kind of gamer-etiquette or anything like that for situations like these. It was then that she realised, was she ever to try a game like this out, she’d probably have to be taught step by step, with an explanation for anything and what it meant.
“But it’s a first step, right?” she smiled back, not trying to think too much about the uncertain future and all the possible surprises it could hold. But this wasn’t the situation for negative thoughts. “I think if they let someone from another company in, that means something already,” she added. And aside from the exhausting and nerve-wrecking parts, it really was fun.
1 hour ago ♡ 2.909 likes
Heartz.luluda: Everyone, are you curious to know what’s going to happen next?? Until we know more, show all your love to Yena okay?~~ Especially, since it’s her birthday today, so you better be extra nice, alright?~♡
yuzurk:
the way luda snapped her hands over her mouth together was admittedly a little funny to yuzu. like a dear caught in headlights the elder female stood in front of her door, ready to come up with a lame excuse once she got past her initial shock of being caught sneaking out.
considering yuzu was about to sneak out herself, she really wasn’t one to tattle on luda either way. so essentially she could allow herself to grin a little to express her amusement.
“yeah, kinda,” she admitted openly, seeing no harm in it. if they were supposed to be a group, living together for the next years to come, they may as well start to open up to an extend. luda was nice and great elder sister material. so yuzu decided to place her trust in the other.
“wanna head out t'gother?”
In the end, if one tattled on the other, they’d both be in trouble, plus she trusted the other enough not to say anything. Admittedly, the girl was generally a little too easily trusting, but she just couldn’t see a reason why the other would do any such thing. It’s definitely gotten her into trouble before, but would she ever learn?
“Sure,” she smiled, her voice soft, just in case. The tension in her shoulders eased up, once they were outside and she got a good lungful of fresh air. It’s always been calming to her, during the mgas, during uni and library days and probably as a kid as well, but no one tell her mum.
“How are you adapting? And how are you liking your songs?” Luda asked, remembering how both had been a bit difficult at first, especially the self-doubts in regards to her song. She was also glad to be in the dorms already, it would probably be much more difficult to adapt living with 11 other girls at once, than it was to get used to one more every week, getting to know everyone a bit better little by little.
「 Caught Red-Handed 」
yuzurk·:
understandably the female seems hesitant to share too much information. this whole samsung umbrella confused yuzu as well. she guessed that it didn’t matter how long you were signed under one of the big five, the lines blurring would never make it easy to pick apart what others were supposed to know and not to know.
she nods her head at the knowledge she does get and is glad that the female is willing to kind of answer her a few questions as far as she can. realizing this may take a few more minutes longer she remembers she should probably introduce herself first.
“ah- I’m yuzu by the way, nice t’meet ya! shall we find a spot to sit down ‘n chat a bit?” motioning for luda to go ahead, she points towards an area which had blocks that looked somewhat suitable for sitting on.
She’s glad that the girl doesn’t seem to want to probe for any difficult answers, at least not right there, right then. Luda really was worried to say too much to the wrong person and be cut from the project, or even be kicked out of kt. And that’s why she’d only revealed that she was in the project, not that she was set to debut already.
Most likely, Luda was much too careful, even to her mum she’d only said that she had a surprise in store for her, but didn’t mention debuting at all. Plus, one never knew, what if she told everyone and suddenly Sphere decided to let someone else debut after all? No, better be safe than sorry.
“It’s nice to meet you, too,” she said, almost introducing herself a second time, out of habit. She walked ahead, to where Yuzu had pointed to and sat down. “What do you want to know?” she asked, as usual, with a smile on her face.
yuzurk:
⇢ request received: @rkyooa !
Once the streamer accepted a challenge, Yuzu was the type to see it through. Pushing herself, being her own harshest critique, the girl was determined to not be the odd one off and catch up to all time she had lost in terms of practice for the evals. Of course Yooa was one of the first she would go to. Having learned dances from Yoojung before, Yuzu knew how amazing her same-age buddy was but there was also that part of her which didn’t want to burden her.
Therefore Yooa as her eonni was a person Yuzu felt more comfortable asking for guidance in that expect.
Her legs shook from all the runs she had made through the choreo already and while she had the moves down, she was lacking in precision, expression and transition. Pushing herself more, it was only a matter of time until she’d trip over her own feet and land on the harsh dance floor. Grumbling to herself she slapped her palm down onto the dance floor three times and exhaled a huffed breath before raising back to her feet.
“AGAIN!”
shiah already knew these dances like the back of her hand. after 2 and a half years how could she not? they were staples in royal’s discography and easy go to performances for evals. this would be a breeze, minus the cold of the outdoor venue. she wasn’t too worried about it though, and she was honestly getting tired of not having to be worried about these things. she wanted to be challenged, was that really something that happened less and less these days?
at least she was able to help other trainees who did find this to be a challenge. she was proud of yuzu for making it into royal, and happy that there was a shot at them debuting together. shiah could be her leader one day, how amazing would that be? now was her chance to practice doing just that. “again?” she asks, watching the other girl peel herself off the floor. yuzu was going to run herself ragged at this rate. “hey, listen, i was in your shoes once. i was so excited to be signed and wanted to do everything at 100%, but i quickly learned that that just tires you out needlessly. breaks are important. why don’t we get some water?”
our lucky day
yuzurk:
yuzu feels conflicted in so many ways. there were a lot of thoughts swirling around in her head that left her feeling slightly stunted. but mina’s pure enthusiasm, her genuine joy and endless support for her had yuzu’s worries melt away at least to an extend.
deep down she knows mina is right but just because her fans would support her and be okay with letting things change, yuzu wasn’t sure she was ready for it. especially when mina told her she’d always be her fan- how few chances would she get for these kind of opportunities now?
reaching up to cup the younger’s cheeks with a giggle she couldn’t help but squish her into another hug. “well I hope yer gon’ work hard t'make sure yer gon’ debut with me then,” she counters instead, doing her best to sound cheerful despite how torn she still felt. the last she wanted was to worry her after all.
the hug that the other girl gives to her feels more comforting than she expects it to. it’s funny the more mina thinks about it. just months ago, she was just amazed over the fact that she metyuzu in the living flesh. hell, the fact that she’s considered a genuine friend of hers nowthat she’s even able to get a warm and tight hug like this?
the past mina would practically be starstruck at this. but the mina nowhugs her back happily. when she hears the other encourage her to work hard so that she can debut with her, she couldn’t help but giggle in response. “yuzu, it’s still too early! i don’t even know if i’m ready yet,” she responds with a smile.
but she wasn’t going to deny the fact that she wantsto be able to have the privilege of being a group with her. so she nods her head confidently and gives the other a thumbs up. “i’ll work hard! i promise you,” she answers with a smile. “i’ll work so hard that you and i can debut together.”
our lucky day
yuzurk:
seeing mina get added to the project only a month after she had been signed was amazing. if yuzu wasn’t so dazed and shocked about the turn of events regarding her own involvement in the project, she would have tackled and showered the female in appreciative and encouraging words the moment they could go back to practice.
instead she remained flabbergasted, rooted in place by the gravity of the news. she looked around the rest of the group, gawking their reactions for both herself and juyeon. everything felt surreal and when mina bounced up to her, hugging her close, yuzu only placed her arms around mina out of reflex more so than sharing her genuine excitement. “no, no ’s fine! I love hugs,” she quickly reassured the other when the younger voices her insecurity. “ah…,”she exhales heavily, running a hand through her strands as she looks around, clearly a little disorientated still.
“I ain’t expect any of this, fo'real,” she admits, a breathless chuckle leaving her lips. “man I ain’t believe it either… guess y'guys were right ‘bout the dead streamer thing, eh?”
after she reassured her that the hug was fine, mina sighed out of relief. “phew! good!” she answers with a smile. if she wasn’t as close to the other, she probably wouldn’t have hugged her to begin with. but she simply couldn’t help it, as she felt that she had every right to. call it fan-friendprivilege, but she really couldn’t help the overwhelming amount of pride she was feeling for the other girl right now. after all, this was practically the opportunity of a lifetime.
if anything, it motivated mina even more to try and work hard to debut with her. out of the entire line up thus far, she thinks yuzu is the onlyone that she really knows. had it not been for their encounter almost a year ago, she’d stillbe the streamer that she watched in order to power through homework. but now? she was going to be the fifth member of heartz.
on the topic of her being a streamer, she pouts when she’s reminded she might not post on her channel for a while. “hey.. it’ll be alright! i’m sure when you debut, all your fans would understand and they’d support you in a heartbeat!” then gives a smile and gives her two thumbs up. “you know i would! i’ll never stop being your fan, yuzu!”
wenitswinter
There’s a lot to celebrate this week! Congratulations @arongquack ( @aronrk ), @johnseo(@rkjohnny), and the rest of NSG for finally debuting! Don’t forget to check out their song The 7th Sense.
It’s also @sangkeumyuzu’s ( @yuzurk ) birthday today! Also, congratulations on being HEARTZ’s newest girl of the month.
#nsg #ktent #heartz #sphereent
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sangkeumyuzu: nope. ur too pretty so u stand out too much :3c
a.c.kim0209: oh ur so sweet i’ll be ur flower~
。˚∘ turning point ;
yuzurk:
yuzu smiles fondly at chungha’s words. gahyeon being proud of her friendgroup was true. she was amazingly grateful to be considered among them and that the female actually had decided to move to sphere with her for them to go on this challenge. meeting even before yuzu got into royal to now potentially debuting together; she wished nothing more than to see this journey through with gahyeon.
“I guess y’can say we’re also pretty proud of her,” she counters with a grin, hands disappearing into her sweatpants pockets. she decides to follow chungha blindly for now, trying to memorize the way as she leads them down the hallway to the practice room. she makes a mental note to remember the jajangmyeon deal. yuzu did love jajangmyeon. “are the portion sizes good too?”after all she ate more than people would probably think.
“sounds like good advice to be honest. is it always two songs? one group n’ one solo performance y’gotta prepare yerself,” she inquires, looking at chungha curiously. “personally ain’t mind it. I like workin’ hard. ain’t nothin’ better than havin’ a nice challenge t’accomplish,” yuzu declares while raising a fist, sparkle in her eyes. this was definitely the gamer within her talking.
“makes sense that you are,” chungha replied with a smile. “gahyeon’s pretty wonderful.” she was great, full of life. there was never a dull moment with gahyeonnie and it would probably continue that way. it meant everything to have her here and now. chungha bets that to gahyeon it was great to actually have someone so important with her on her journey for debut. chungha couldn’t imagine a single person who wouldn’t be proud of gahyeon.
“oh yeah,” chungha nods. she had to admit, a lot of the trainees loved meals times at sphere. “i feel like the portion sizes are always good no matter what we get. and if you’re nice with the workers they’ll give you extra. i always finish my rice before anything but they always give me another bowl when i ask.” they were always so kind. and they were worth getting to know too. anyone would be surprised by the stories that some of the staff members had.
chungha nodded. always two songs. always performed at the end of the month. “although i will say they will ask different things of you. usually it isn’t dancing focused like it was this month. before you guys came they were hoping to see a more innocent vibe of us. now they’re asking something else. i bet you it’ll change next month too.” the best thing was to not get used to what they were asking but also to not plan too far ahead. you never knew what they were going to ask.
“it’s best to be prepared with some form of idea but don’t get too far ahead of yourself, you know?”
II-I : putting the motion in emotion — the skill showcase
june 2019. mga 5 skill showcase. wordcount: 3713 (damn wtf my bad…ily bianca)
dancing to bellyache bybillie eilish(1:24 - 2:46 ) / outfit
tw: slight mentions of food and tough mother-child r/s
mentioning:@rkheejin,@rkxbin,@rkpwj,@rkkyul,@yuzurk
jungeun finds herself sitting inside the darkness of one of her mother’s studios. she was definitely procrastinatingand although it was only ten minutes since she decided to turn the lights off, any second spent not dancingwas a second wasted.
she couldn’t think of a choreography to choose. first of all, she couldn’t think of a songto dance to. she muses on the idea of dancing without music. tap dancing? that’s something she could do—if she didn’t take this competition seriously.
“jungeun!” the blonde jumps as her mother opened the door of the studio. her mom opens the lights of the studio abruptly, shaking her head upon seeing her daughter sit in the darkness. jungeun stood up, squinting her eyes as she tried to adjust to the unwelcomed burst of light. “i did notcancel a sum of my classes and let you borrow one of my studios for you to just meditate in the dark!”
ah, the perks of having a mom who owned her own dance academy.
as soon as her mom left the studio, jungeun slid across the room with her socks to turn the lights off once again. she wasn’t done with her odd way of brainstorming but she hastily activated her melon app to play music, to fool her mother into thinking she was actually practicing.
sensory deprivation was her last resort to help her come up with ideas. taking away her sight and touch allowed her to be left alone with her thoughts. but being left alone with her thoughts was going into a weird territory. or was it just the billie eilish playing that made her think that way? jungeun grabbed her phone—now playing: billie eilish.
yup, it was definitely the billie eilish playing.
the lightbulb inside jungeun’s brain suddenly blinks and she jumps. she almost trips, almost losing her chance to compete but the literal light is opened. its time to dance. she couldn’t waste anymore time.
— flashback: first episode filming and the day after —
kim jungeun.
her eyes widen upon hearing her name called. she almost blurts out, “are they calling my name?” though, its obvious she is the only kim jungeun there. the list of names continues to be read, then a brief moment of silence is held before the CEOs mention the next challenge.
right.fifty people is still a large number. despite it being smaller than one hundred, it still signified that jungeun needed to step it up. as each round passed and more people continued to be weeded out, it became increasingly obvious that those who remained were extremely skilled. she wanted to be smug and pretend that some of them weren’t betterthan her but that wasn’t true.
as she leaves the studio with heejin, she congratulates some of her friends who’ve also made it. she sees changbin and playfully tells him, “i put a word in or two for you, it must have work.” she also sees woojin and she gives him a single nod when their eyes meet ( because frenemies never seem to congratulate each other normally ).
jungeun goes wherever the celebration requires her to be at but all she’s waiting for is to be home.heejin drags her to a get together with some other contestants and she tries not to drink as she tries to pick at the minds of her competitors. she feels the drag on her body as time goes on and she waits for the perfect opportunity to say her goodbyesandsee you’s. a few hours pass and she finally finds herself entering the code in her front door’s keypad. she opens the door, a detested expression on her face. her parents stand up from their couch, hopeful expressions on their face.
“honey,” jungeun’s father is the first to say something. based on his daughter’s expression, he’s wary of saying the wrong thing. “we’re sorry…"
"huh?” jungeun raises a brow. she picks up her beloved dog and hugs him, expression immediately lightening up. “sorry for what? do we have food? i’m really hungry right now."
"your expression.” he added. if she wasn’t sad about the audition, what else could she have been sad about?
“oh,” jungeun put her dog down and walked forward to hug her parents. she couldn’t find the energy to yell ‘i made it!’ “i made it to the second round but i’m really hungry right now.”
the family find themselves in a late night barbeque restaurant. the blonde’s had her fair share of late night barbeque sessions for the last few months. she told herself that she wouldn’t eat anymore meat, especially when she was about to join a competition but she revises that this is her lastsupper.her parents are more than proud of their daughter and they repeat that sentiment for a good thirty minutes. her parents bombard her with questions about her day and especially about the ceos.
how pretty did katie lee look in real life? junghoon!
the conversation continues to be nonchalant but you can never separate a dance mom from her game. jungeun’s mom flips her role from a supportive mom to a pushy coach. “so, what are you going to dance to next?"
the next morning comes and the mother-daughter pair enter their academy. jungeun’s mother leaves to go to her office to handle some paperwork, while jungeun walks towards one of the empty studios. jungeun’s mother graciously( or so the elder adds ) allowed her daughter to use one of the studios. not that jungeun was going to ask her mother for permission anyways.
—flashback over—
jungeun’s happy that an idea finallyappeared in her head because if it hadn’t, she might have tap-danced her way into the third round. it has only been three hours since she’s started practicing ( and a day after the first episode filming ) but she couldn’t waste anymore time. after sifting through songs and facetiming some of her colleagues, jungeun came up with a choreography to perform.
she wasn’t going to lie and say that she didn’thave any apprehension about the choreography she was going to perform.
versatility wasn’t foreign to her but was taking a risk the best option for her? she presented an energetic yet flirty image with her first episode performance, which seemed to work. but, she couldn’t fall back on what’s safe.
safe always gets boring somehow and jungeun was notboring.
the choreography the dancer was performing was something she was definitely comfortable with. its style more in the vein of the styles she grew up dancing in—contemporary, modern, lyrical. but, its expression was definitely not something jungeun frequently played with.
it was compelling, yet a bit creepy.
was she ready for creepy? she knew that she wanted to stand out as much as possible but she didn’t know if giving the judges nightmareswas the best way to do so. either way, she pushed her apprehension aside and began to practice memorizing the steps. if she spent more time worrying, she wasn’t going to have anytime practicing. if she wasn’t going to spend time practicing, she wasn’t going to the third episode and so forth.
five, six, seven, eight. she chants those numbers dozens of times over the next few hours, to the point where she was certain she could do the choreography in her sleep. bathroom, eating, and sleeping are the only breaks she allows for herself.
there’s a point where she’s exerted her muscles too much to continue practicing for the day. she was too lost in the music to realize that she stepped out into a completely pitch black academy and her mom no where to be found.
goddamit, dancing to a billie eilish song was a bad idea.
the next day arrives and fortunately, a paranormal experience exacerbated by the billie eilish songs she was listening to didn’t occur. again, she only takes breaks for the bathroom, eating, or sleeping. the rest of her time was spent on ensuring she had the technicalities down. if the first day was spent ensuring she got the choreography right until she was able to do it in her sleep, this day was spent ensuring she was able to do the choreography right if she magically projected out of her body ( if that was even possible ).
the third day was new. she was getting to the point where muscle memory took the wheel. all was left was for her to make the choreography her own. to add her parts of her identity. to make breathe lifeinto it.
she admits she was getting bored of performing in front of her reflection. she thought of anyone she could perform it to. her friends who were trainees were obviously too busy. heejin was singing and changbin was rapping—having them in the room would probably be simultaneously distracting. there were a few other contestants she knew but she didn’t have much trust for them to be in the room with her.
ugh.
she grabs her phone during a water break as she thinks of possibly the lastperson on earth who she wanted in the room with her. but, she was getting bored ( and maybe lonely ).
kkt — to: park woojin
> hey. my mom owns a dance academy and has an extra studio that i’ve been practicing in. i don’t know if you’re still hoping that dancing thing would work out for you but if you needed a place to practice, i have one.
> *address attached*
> not that i want you there. my dad just tells me i need to do charitable things monthly. so this is my act of charity for this month.
> but if you decide to come, bring earphones or whatever. i don’t want to hear your annoying ass music.
she’s surprised when she sees her mom and the drummer/dancer at the door of the studio. she opens it, only to hear her mom say, "oh, i didn’t know you were planning to do a couple dance.”
jungeun ( and she’s sure woojin as well ) almost blurts out a loud what the fuck. but, jungeun closes the door without saying anything else and glares once at her mom. mental note: have the ‘he’s just a colleague’ conversation with mom later.
the studio is big enough for the two of them…to be on separate sides of the room. they have earphones or airpods, in jungeun’s case because she alwayshas to mention it, placed in both of their ears.
jungeun plays her music too loud to hear what the boy was dancing to but she assumes its either r&b or hip-hop from the flow of his movements. her goal was to immerse herself into the choreography she’s chosen, so she tries to lose herself in the music to focus on her facials and expression. her choreography is a bit out there and she notices woojin give her a whole ’what the fuck’ look through the mirror. she mouths, “fuck yourself” through the mirror and the two continue to dance while mildlyminding their own business.
there was a point where she feels her stomach growl and she says the first thing to woojin since he arrived. “are you hungry? can—go to the convenience store with me. i can’t have you alone in the studio. your metal energy might thrash my mom’s shit and i’dbe the one getting into trouble.”
the two grab snacks, which jungeun graciouslypays for and tells him that its no big deal like a broken record. when the two return to the studio, they eat in silence as if a live ASMR mukbang was being filmed. they only speak when jungeun throws a packet at him and does the opengesture; he doesn’t understand her, so she shakes her head and says, “open.” she notices her tone is too demanding, even if it was towards him. “please.”
he throws the packet back at her, almost spilling the contents all over the floor and she just sighs instead of calling him stupid. the two continue to practice in their separate sides of the studio. jungeun almost wants to ask him for his constructive criticism but she could read his expressions through the mirror. her pride was also a factor—she’ll never bow down to ask him for help in something thatimportant. when the night falls, the two leave the studio without any word except for jungeun telling him, “don’t let the monsters chase you.”
goddammit, listening to billie eilish for ten hours really was a bad idea.
the next few days are spent perfecting her performance. the choreography was down but she needed to fullyembrace the oddities of it. she also spends time shopping. she wishes it was for leisure but she wanted to make an impression. at least, that’s what her excuse was for spending almost one hundred thousand won.
in an almost rocky-like sequence, she asks her mom and most trusted teachers to help her sharpen her choreography. she performs it over and over again, having critiques thrown at her while she dances. more power! extend your leg out more! hold that pose more! keep it at 90 degrees!
she dances until sweat is dripping down her forehead and pain is felt when she tries to inhale. she knows its over when her mother says, “alright, let’s get dinner now."
jungeun’s mom was caring as a mother but tough as a dance instructor. since childhood, jungeun only remembers her mother supporting her dreams without question—from the simplest to the largest. but when it came to dancing, jungeun’s mother became more critical. jungeun supposed it was due to her mother’s background, considering she was once a prima ballerina. eunbi only stepped down on her own accord, not because she got into trouble or was physically inept. she was once the best, so she expected her daughter to be the best or better.
jungeun would remember her mother immediately running to her side when she fell off a slide or swing as a child, immediately kissing the injury and buying the young girl her favorite ice cream. yet, her approach changed when jungeun would fall during a dance practice. did you flex your abdomen? your balance is weak, that’s why you fell. do it again.
"kick their asses tomorrow,” jungeun’s mother suddenly breaks the silence in their car ride. “you got this.”
jungeun tries to hide a smile. you got this—its the first time she’s heard her mother say that in regards to a performance. and its all she needed.
jungeun finds herself in a mnet recording studio once again. its like last week’s configuration but smaller. the change forces the blonde to put things in perspective. there’s less of them, so the competition is greater. jungeun scans the room for who really made it; there’s definitely more faces she’s familiar with than not. she says hi to those she knows and to a few she recognizes from the get-together yuzu held.
her heart beats faster when she thinks about the fact that she’ll specifically be against other dancers. she’s sitting next to one—kyulkyung.she notices the raven haired girl was wearing shoes and she raises a brow. “no ballet today,” jungeun asks, tone playfully curious. jungeun taps her vans together unconsciously. she sees another competitor and possibly her life’scompetitor—woojin. she thinks he’s in good hands; she could tell from the day they practiced, when she was pretending to mark her steps to watch him dance instead.
yet, pride is the devil on her shoulder. so she tells him, “i hope practicing at my mom’s studio saved you.”
when jungeun returns to her seat, she rubs her knees and spends the rest of the time waiting to talk to heejin and whoever else surrounded her. the loud boomplays once again. the lights shining on the five figures. the slow walking. she knows its all dramatics—tv ratings and all. though she really thinks she might be at mount olympus, waiting for the gods’ judgement upon her.
the festivities commence and the carousel of performances turn. everyone seemed to share the same thought; they needed to step their game up and it showed.she didn’t care much for the rapping and dancing performances, except for a few. scratch that, except for heejin’s. they’ve mentioned their ideas to each other once or twice but jungeun wanted to be surprised.so, she tells her best friend not to spoil her performance before hand too much. she claps when her best friend performs, stands up even. she holds her hands together by her cheek in awe. it seemed like heejin took a risk as well but jungeun had no doubt in the brunette.
she claps out of respect for the dancers and rappers but she does so in a zombie-like fashion. she wasn’t paying much attention to analyze their performances. but she remembers a few that stand out. most of her attention is saved for all of the dancers. her eyes trace their steps and she counts the music that plays, wishingthat someone would miss a beat. she doesn’t notice much mistakes, causing her heart to beat faster and stomach to cramp. its anticipation and anxiety, every performance is spent with her internalizing wishes of being called next.
finally, her name is called. she takes off her shoes before stepping on stage. she isn’t completely barefoot, as dance paws are worn around her feet. as she walks to the stage, which seems like forever,she thinks about how dance paws are one of the greatest invention known to dancers. less bulkier than wearing shoes but safer than being barefoot. she doesn’t think there’s anything greater than these, except for spandex. maybe.
its a bit redundant to introduce herself. its obvious. kim jungeun equates to dancer. instead of opening her mouth, trying to sass one of the judges, jungeun instead steps center stage. she stands still—arms relaxed to her sides, legs parallel to her shoulders. head is slightly dropped, as she waits for the technicians to play the music she provided.
sittin’ all alone mouth full of gum
in the driveway
my friends aren’t far
in the back of my car
lay their bodies
one of her favorite things about lyrical choreographies is that they were a blend of different styles. there was a certain point of grace that it required. it wasn’t graceful enough to be considered ballet. yet, there were pockets in the beat that required may require to pop or lock. but, the choreography wasn’t completely hip-hop. her extremities extended, like water flowing through a river, as billie sang and abruptly stopped, like water crashing onto a rock, whenever a clickwas heard.
she appreciated the hybridity in lyrical routines. it was kind of like the warmporridge of the three bears’ and she was literally( thanks to her dyed hair ) goldilocks. but her favorite part of lyrical routines was its open gate of expression. she was allowed to give into the song and bare her emotions on the floor.
if a song was a sorrowful ballad, she was free to contort her face to one of sadness. and maybe, if she was able to, cry on command. but this song required her to be one that’s lost.not lost in love or lost in dreams. but lost in thought and maybe darkness.
where’s my mind
where’s my mind
her limbs and torso aren’t the only parts of her body that contort. usually, dancers were advised to smile and keep their facials intact. even if they were in pain or tired. but, the lyrics were clouded with darkness and confusion. she forces her face to express the pain of performing the choreography. she admits it wasn’t a pretty face but matching the routine was more important for her.
maybe it’s in the gutter where i left my lover
what an expensive fate
my V is for Vendetta
thought that i’d feel better
during her practices, she was apprehensive about this part of the routine. if she was doing this for a normal competition, she would have noproblem about it. but, this was largely an idolcompetition. and idols weren’t expected to be ugly or thrash around the floor. there’s a feeling in her gut that this portion would be edited into some sort of meme but she loses her pride on the floor. she moves on the floor, crawling and reaching for something. she tries to paint a scene with her expression. she wants the audience to wonder: what is she reaching for? is she trying to fight something?
she was an actress and this was her big scene. the climax of the film. every movement brings her physically closer to the judges’ table. she decided that she would put her struggles into motion. everytime she moves her hands to reach, it represented the dreams she’s worked so hard to grasp. its hard to grasp and obstacles seem to find their way to her. she tries to express it by looking like she’s fighting against something. struggling.
but now i got a bellyache
the music briefly stops. the song takes a slight turn, playing billie’s altered vocals and a different beat. she dances with a smile on her face now as choreographed movements return. they’re faster than the first half of the choreography, some steps birthed by hip-hop routines. she didn’t look like she was struggling anymore. she was closer to achieving her dreams. being on the stage, she had nothing to fear and nothing to run from.
she ended her routine on the floor, fluidly moving into her final position. she turns her head to the face at the judges, a smirk on her face appearing as the music ends. she stands up and bows to them, as she tries to control her breathing rate. she returns to her seat and the judges waste no time calling the next performer. the carousel moves once again, as jungeun tries to control her adrenaline rush. when it subsides, she feels her stomach contort again as the time for judges to evaluate draws closer.
maybe i really do have a bellyache.
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