#original posts

Is it so odd for Pixar to expect audiences to relate to a Chinese-Canadian girl?  After all, in Finding Nemo, we related to a fish. In Wall-E, we related to a robot. And in Coco, we related to someone who can play the guitar competently.

Every time I see a cishet aspec talk about how they don’t feel like they belong in LGBT+ spaces, I almost always see someone say that they do. That cishet aspecs are LGBT+/queer, despite anything exc1usionists say.

One look at my blog will tell you I’m a cishet acespec who agrees. And anyone who tries to start that diskourse with me will get blocked because I have better things to do than argue with strangers on the internet.

But I get the feeling that, inclusionists who aren’t cishet aspecs, don’t realize why it’s so hard for us to feel like we’re LGBT+. People seem to think gatekeepers are the #1 cause, and drowning them out via validation posts will solve everything. Maybe it’s just me, but that feeling didn’t stem from gatekeepers and a lack of validation posts. 

Weird comparison time.

Let’s pretend, LGBT+ is metal (the music genre). And the subgenres of metal are the identities. Now, if someone asked you to name a subgenre of metal, what would your first answer be?

Maybe you thought of death metal. Black metal. Heavy metal. Maybe you didn’t even know there were subgenres of metal and simply thought of screaming and electric guitars. If someone came up to you and said they were a metalhead, you’d assume they’d be into that. If you are a metalhead yourself, you might even ask the person if they’re a fan of Cannibal Corpse or Metallica or whatever metal bands metalheads are listening to these days. 

But did any of you think of symphonic metal? Would someone who only listens to symphonic metal be considered a metalhead? It’s a metal subgenre, after all. But it’s also not what the majority thinks of when they think of metal. 

Now, let’s pretend you listen to symphonic metal. None of the other subgenres. You don’t care for growls, or for the emphasis on guitars and drums that comes with the more popular metal subgenres. Instead, you want an emphasis on keyboards and orchestras, maybe even an opera singer. With those differences in mind, imagine going up to someone and telling them you’re a metalhead. What incorrect assumptions are they going to make about the kind of music you like? Based off the fact the majority of the world thinks metal = death metal?

And those assumptions aren’t unfounded. One peek in metal spaces will tell you that the majority of metalheads love death metal. Imagine going into those spaces, being someone who only listens to symphonic metal. You see all these metalheads talking about the latest Cannibal Corpse album, and you want to talk about Imperial Age. But nobody there seems to cares about Imperial Age. They’re too busy bonding over Cannibal Corpse. You don’t know any of their songs. People are now recommending death metal bands. You don’t like death metal. Nobody is talking about symphonic metal. And the metalheads there who do listen to symphonic metal, also listen to death metal. They’re still bonding with the rest of the group in a way that you can’t. 

Being around all these metalheads who love death metal, when you don’t care for death metal, isn’t going to make you feel like much of a metalhead. It’s just going to make you wonder why you’re even there.

Maybe you’re filled with so much confidence in being a metalhead that you wouldn’t let something like that stop you. But not all of us are. And that’s one reason why you’ll see cishet aspecs talk about not feeling like they’re LGBT+/queer enough.

It’s why I don’t. I feel out of place because I’m cis and heteromantic. If I told people I’m LGBT+/queer, they’re going to assume I’m either attracted to the same gender, or that I’m trans. They will act or treat me like I am. Meaning, I’d have to correct them. Maybe even justify why I’m calling myself LGBT+/queer. If I join those spaces, it’s going to be filled with people who can fall under the first four letters in some way or another. Most of the focus is on them. Maybe there’d be a mention of aspecs here and there, but not enough to feel like being in those spaces is worth it. (Especially when half the time, it’s all about whether or not we even belong!) It’s easier to say I’m ace and stick to ace spaces where I’m guaranteed to fit in. 

I realize this whole post looks like something an exc1usionist can take and twist into their own narrative. But you know what?

There are people out there, who don’t care what kind of metal you listen to. The fact is, all metal is satanic music corrupting the youth. Just like all orientations other than 100% Straight are bad. They don’t care if you’re gay or asexual. They won’t even listen to you long enough to learn the difference. To them, anyone who isn’t cishetallo is fucked in the head. At the end of the day, we’re all sexual, romantic, and gender minorities.

(Disclaimer: I would like to once again repeat that I do not want to see any diskourse on this post or engage in any of that noise. You’ll just get blocked. I wrote this to give inclusionists insight from a cishet acespec.)

I had this big long intro but I cut it for all of our sakes. Actually, I deleted the entire post and started over for this reason. Basically my point of it was: I’ve been practicing for a long time and a lot of common practices have felt hard or even impossible to achieve. I’ve recently learned that I don’t need to cut those practices out entirely, I just need to do them differently. ADHDers brains work different than those without, and when we work with our brains instead of fighting, things become a lot easier. I’m starting with meditation because I think it’s one of the hardest tools to use for us. 

Learn these before starting (they’ll help you, trust me)

1. Meditation is not about judgment. Try not to judge yourself for the things you can or cannot do. 
2. Meditation is not about “clearing your mind of all distractions”. Sure for some people, but that’s actually not common. It’s about allowing your thoughts to come and go as they please, and to do so without judgment.
3. It is not possible to fail at meditation. Don’t beat yourself up if you can’t sit for a 30 minute, 10 minute, 5 minute meditation. Every bit counts.
4. Accept that you’ll probably have to do things different than people expect, and that’s okay. If you force yourself to conform you’re gonna have a bad time and not want to do it again.

Things that have helped me (that might help you)

Provide as much or as little stimulation as you need - this goes against the popular idea that meditation is about “removing all distractions”, but ADHDers know that stimulation often helpsus focus better. You may want to:

• play soft music
• light candles and incense (sensory input for your sense of smell)
• use a fidget toy
• take breaks to stand and wiggle around as you need - a lot of people think this is bad, that it’ll unnecessarily break up the meditation, and I’m here to tell you 1) it’s not bad, 2) that’s okay! Break it up! Do small chunks of meditation in intervals! Again, it is not possible to fail at meditation. Any amount is good and helpful, even if you can only sit for a few minutes before moving around.
• As you learn and grow in your practice you may find you need less stimulation. Take them away as you see fit.

Other tips:

• Make sure you’re physically comfortable. This means wearing clothes that won’t bother you, using pillows or blankets or blocks if you need the support/need to stay warm, finding a comfortable position, etc. And if you fall asleep? You probably needed it, as this article mentions. 
• On that note, try a meditation outfit! Wear the same clothes or hat or whatever each time you meditate to help transition your mind into meditation mode. This is especially helpful if you’re doing it at home.
• Try a more interactive, guided mediation. Being able to sit in silence is an impressive skill, but it’s hard as hell, especially if you’re just starting out. I recently did a guided meditation that felt so much better than just the breathing ones because not only did it give me permission to have a lot of thoughts, it guided me on different categories to think about (I’ll explain it below)
• It might help to schedule in time to meditate and ask someone else to help you stay on track.

The guided meditation I mentioned above:

• Start with ten deep breaths in and out, counting the number between each inhale and exhale (ex. *breathe in* one *breath out* one, *breathe in* two *breathe out* two). I find that this gives my brain a challenge and keeps me on track.
• Do the same counting down from ten if you’d like, but if you find yourself thinking “damn I’m bored” just skip it. You’ll have plenty of time to work up to that in the future.
• List in your head everything you can remember doing in the day. Don’t stress if you can’t remember a lot; again, don’t judge yourself!
• Next, list all of the emotions you’ve felt throughout the day. I see you judging yourself for your emotions, stop that. 
• Next, list who or what you were grateful for throughout the day. 
• Do another set of breathing to round it off, allowing the events of the day to fall behind you. 
• If all of this seems like too much to start with, pick one category and just do that. Do more in the future if you want, or just stick to one. 

Remember: five minutes of meditation is good. Two minutes is good. And if you find yourself with large gaps between sessions, that’s okay too! Do it when you can, get comfortable with what works for you, and in time you might even find you enjoy it! 

And that’s it for today! I hope this will be helpful to some of you, and I apologize if there are any typos. I checked three times but we all know how that works out. If you’ve found this helpful, let me know what witchy subject you’d like me to tackle next!