Strap yourselves in lads, this is gonna be a long one. So, you want to be an alloaro ally, but you don’t know how to start or what to avoid. Lets talk about it.
This post is going to be split up into two sections. Allyship for Alloromantic Allosexuals (Alloallo’s)andAllyship for Fellow Aspecs (Aroaces, Alloaces, Non-Sam Aces, etc). This is also going to be a relatively long post so just keep that in mind. Anyway, lets get started.
Allyship For Alloallo’s
So, you’re someone who isn’t a part of the aspec community looking to be an alloaro ally? Epic, lets get you started on the right track! Being an alloaro ally is pretty easy once you break things down, so here are some base level tips for you to consider.
Acknowledge Our Terminology
Yes, we do have terminology that should be used more often when refering to us. Its common for people to use “Non-Asexual Aromantic” when refering only to alloaros, and while that term is more inclusive of other identities such as Non-Sam aro’s, its important to be mindful of when you are using it. If you are refering to Non-Sam, Neu, and Alloaros, the term is fine. If you are refering to Alloaros specifically, its better to use Allosexual Aromantic.
Include Us In General Pride
The aspec community is part of the LGBT community, no matter what some people may think. What this means, is that you need to include us in general pride activism. Simply having the asexual flag on a pride post and not an aromantic flag is not enough. It would be even better if you mentioned alloaro’s in general pride post. We are here, and we are a part of the community, so if you are going to advocate for pride you need to advocate for us.
Combat Alloarophobia
Alloaro’s are not predatory. Alloaro’s are not players. We aren’t out to manipulate people into having sex with us, and the idea that sexual attraction devoid of romantic attraction is somehow impure or wrong is extremely alloarophobic. Fight back against any sort of suggestions that alloaros are immoral or dirty or harmful to other LGBT members for their sexual attraction.
Listen To Alloaro Voices
If an alloaro calls you out on something thats made them uncomfortable, don’t bite back like its an attack. Listen to us, and work with us on the issue. You might have meant well, but caused a simple misunderstanding, in which case this will be a learning experience. Just because we voice our opinions on representation and issues in our community, doesn’t mean we are directly attacking you over something.
Allyship For Fellow Aspecs
So, you’re part of the aspec community but not alloaro? Maybe you’re Asexual, Alloace specifically? Or Aroace? No matter what you identify as, the next few sections are a good basis for you to start on your track to proper alloaro allyship. Alright, lets get started shall we?
Recognize Aspec Community Attitudes
Lets get the big one out of the way first. If you are going to be an alloaro ally you need to acknowledge the fact that a predominantly sex negative attitude in the aspec community is harmful to us. It should never be assumed that any aspec identity is going to relate to sex negativity or sex repulsion. Its extremely alienating when this attitude is the norm in our community. The best way to address this is to stop ignoring it like it doesn’t exist. A good way to do that, is the next suggestion.
Tag Sex Negative Language
Just like how sex mentions are tagged so that sex negative and sex repulsed aspecs can filter them out, sex negative language should also be tagged. Imagine for a second that you’re in the shoes of an alloaro. Seeing post after post about how sex is “gross” or bad can really start to make you feel like your attraction is invalid in your own community. Being able to filter out those kinds of discussions would greatly benifit alloaros who don’t need to be constantly told that what they feel is somehow wrong or filthy.
Combat Predatory Claims
Just like with above, posts claiming that alloaro’s are predatory or that anyone who feels sexual attraction is predatory are extremely harmful. Whenever you get the chance, combat those attitudes. If you see a post talking about how allosexuals are predatory or esspecially about how having alloaros in aspec spaces might be “uncomfortable” for aces or other aspecs, speak out against it immediately.
Include Us In Your Activitism
This seems obvious right? Well, unfortunately despite this being pretty straightforward, its not very common. Lets make this clear. If you are going to make a post about aromantic activism, you need to include alloaros. If you are going to make a post about aspec activism, you need to include alloaros. This doesn’t just mean mentioning us either. It is not enough to have a mention of alloaros delivered by lets say, an aroace. You need to actively include us in your planning and leadership if you plan on advocating for us. End of story.
Acknowledge The Differences In Our Issues
If you are going to make a post about aromantic erasure in the community, make note of the differences between aroace and alloaro erasure. There are BIG differences between the two and its far to common to see other aspecs assume that general aromantic erasure is representative of all aromantic identities. If you are unsure of the differences, you can find out by ->
Meeting Us Halfway
We have resources out there. Sure they may be less organized then other aspec identities resources but they are out there. It extremely tiring having to constantly educate others on alloaro issues and terminology and thats something I am sure all aspecs can relate to. Do your research, browse the alloaro tag, TALK to us before you go around advocating for us and talking about alloaro issues.
Moll- or Molli- An orientation that is weak or soft in its presence, often from ‘none’ to ‘about halfway’. from ‘molli’, latin for ‘soft’
Term coined by: Unknown
Mollsexual:
[Image: Flag with 5 stripes and 5 tiny stripes between the big stripes and at the very bottom. The stripes fade from lavender to light lavender, and the tiny stripes fade from white to medium gray].
[Image: Flag with 5 stripes and 5 tiny stripes between the big stripes and at the very bottom. The stripes fade from greenr to light green, and the tiny stripes fade from white to medium gray].
I just went through the most exhausting debate online. It was my fault, I should’ve just blocked all of them from the beginning.
I swear if I get one more reply, I’m deleting that comment altogether.
Long story short, someone replied to a comment of mine with “maybe they have seggs every night”. (You don’t need the context, just that.)
To which I replied with, “every night? yikes”
Now a person replied to that with, “why yikes?”
And I said, “well that’s gotta hurt, right? give you rashes or smth?”
And they were like, “nope. what kind of seggs have you had that gave you a rash?”
Naturally, I responded with, “oh no, I’m asexual so no smex for me, I was just making an assumption that sounds logical to me”
And this as*hole of a person says, “plenty of asexuals have seggs, don’t use that excuse”
Which bewildered me to no bounds. I said, “huh? Yeah I already know that some asexuals have seggs? That’s not the point here”
After that, it was basically me and them going back and forth the same bullsh¡t, other people joining in.
That first person kept saying that I shouldn’t say “I’m sex-repulsed because I’m ace”, when I never said that. And even if I did, so what? I would’ve probably had seggs if I hadn’t found out I’m asexual so there’s definitely a correlation there.
Was I in the wrong? Is it illegal for me to say that seggs is overrated and gross to me? Should I just keep my mouth shut and only talk freely in our safe spaces instead?
I was remembering how earlier this year I was using the labels “homoromantic asexual” or “ace lesbian” to describe myself. For a few months, those labels helped me understand the lesbian experience and how I related to it and ultimately to know if I was really a lesbian or not. I knew I was asexual and I was sure of that part of me, but… romantic attraction was always more complicated to understand bc I didn’t know if I had felt it or not.
I was sure that I didn’t feel attracted to men at all (romantically or sexually) but women… it had me wondering; aesthetic attraction and all haha. Hence, why the lesbian label helped me understand that. I came to understand that I do experience platonic and emotional attraction very strongly towards women/female aligned people but it has never been romantic in nature. Eventually, I learned I’m an aromanticasexual person. I’ve never experienced romantic attraction and I had mistook it for platonic attraction towards my similar gender all along. I had never desired a romantic partner either, it was more of the idea of one. But I’ve never felt that desire directed at someone specific, regardless of gender.
I guess I’m writing this for anyone out there that needs it: it’s okay to be confused, it’s okay to be wrong and think you’re x when you’re actually z. It’s okay to try on different labels and find the ones that describe your experience better, the ones that you’re comfortable with. It’s okay. I promise
Yea I went through something similar.
My crush on that one girl faded over the holidays and when I realized, I was baffled for a moment. That had never happened before.
But looking back at my “feelings”, I realized I was right every time I said it wasn’t a crush. It truly wasn’t.
I just admire that girl A LOT, I still do. But those weren’t romantic feelings nor seggsual attraction. It was just me “forcing” myself to put those unnamed emotions into a perfectly labeled box, as per usual.
Plus, I have a history of always having someone to “obsess over” in order to excuse myself for not paying attention in class or to procrastinate stuff I’m supposed to be doing.
Truth is, I’m way happier when I’m “crush-free” and not thinking of someone at all. I wish I could uninstall this need to have “an object of affection” when I just don’t want to have it.
OP is right. It’s okay to think that you’ve finally found the labels that suit you and later to realize that they don’t fit as well as you thought. It’s okay to skim through multiple labels until you find the right one(s). Or not. Deciding to stay sans-label isn’t a bad thing either.
Good thing queer exists, I use it for more often than you think
This artist, celepom has some of the coolest art about asexuality that you simply MUST read! I promise you’ll find yourself in at least one of her episodes of:
I can’t even begin to imagine what it’s like for you guys. Being seen as inherently hyper-sexual beings, just cuz “you’re men and that’s what all men are like/all men do”
That’s some load of BS
Whoever said that can go to the underground sauna
A-spec AMABs but not only: I see you.
You’re valid and appreciated and loved! A “man’s duty” is no longer based on what the ancient doctrines of patriarchy say. Honestly, fxck patriarchy.
Women are supposed to be prudes, men should always seek sexual contact blah-blah-blah
HOW ABOUT!!!! We let diversity spread and let people be who they want to be, do what they want to do with their lives? Eh?
Aroace spectrum combo moodboard featuring the flag by @itsrainingsomewhereelse for everyone on both the aro and ace spectrum. All photos used are my own photography, please credit me that if you re-use.
[Image description: six stripes of photos themed to the colors of the aroace spectrum flag. From top to bottom there’s string lights hanging against black night, a close up on the inside of a blossoming purple flower, clear grey ocean waters in the sunlight, white clouds against a light blue sky with a slight tree to the side, a close up of bright green grass in the sunlight, and finally darker green foliage. End description.]
[ID: A tweet by michellinman7/@hobis-pouch: just saw a chinese source describe asexuality as ‘those who are immune to the sexual attractiveness of others’ that’s pretty badass /end ID]
I’m so proud to announce that I am partnering with Stonewall - Europe’s biggest LGBTQ+ rights organisation - on the Stonewall x Yasmin Benoit #AceProject!
We are going to be conducting research into the issue of asexual discrimination in the UK and putting together a report which will be used to provide a clear set of actions to influence policy and legislation.
It’s time for asexuality to be recognised as a legitimate orientation in the UK and protected as such. It’s time to end the medicalisation of asexuality. We can only do that with research, and we need YOU to be participants! It’s time for ace voices to be heard, so we need you to be loud!
If you’re over 18, based in the UK, and have experienced any degree of asexual discrimination during your time in education, in the workplace or in healthcare, please register your interest in being part of our focus groups: https://www.stonewall.org.uk/stonewall-x-yasmin-benoit-ace-project or email me directly at [email protected]!
Stonewall are the biggest LGBTQ+ rights organisation in Europe and have been pivotal in the fight for equality, now they’ll be pivotal in protecting the ace community too. It’s an absolute honour to partner with them on this and to be entrusted with such important work. Representation in research and legislation matters too. I’ve always wanted to use my background in social science to contribute to that. Thank you to everyone who has shown their support for the project so far.
If you can’t help, please share this so we can attract more participants and raise awareness for the initiative! It’s time to change the game.
