#plus size women

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You have probably noticed I have basically been AWOL since before Christmas. I stopped posting, stopped shooting, and pretty much stopped connecting with my followers. I wish I could say that it was because I was enjoying the holidays and spending time with my family, but that was not it. I was suffering from a major depressive episode and blogging just got to be too much pressure. I have not really talked too much about my mental health on this blog. I tried to keep it positive and fashion focused, but looking back I think that was a mistake to completely ignore the subject. When I look back at the posts that have helped me most, it is the ones that are honest - often heartbreakingly so. Because of this, I am going to go  back and explain my headspace during my blogging break.

Some of my followers may know that I started my blog, Obsessions of a Fashion Nerd, at a time when my work life was less than stellar. I was working for a manager that constant belittled me as an employee and devalued my dreams. Everyday before I went into work was a lesson in extreme anxiety. I was sad most of the time and looking back I probably should have just started looking for a job. It simply was not worth what I was being put through. The blog was a safe way for me to be creative and to feel good about myself. The pictures below are some of the first looks that I put together. You may notice, I was slimmer then. My weight and mental state are much more closely linked than I would like. While I kind of loved how I looked, it was definitely not for healthy reasons. I was put an anti-depressant for the first time in my life and dropped a ton of weight. Still the weight loss made me feel beautiful and I threw myself into blogging.

When I finally managed to get promoted out of the bad situation and into a new city, I wanted to keep the blog going. I was happy and for the first time in a long time looking forward to work every day. For this reason, I foolishly decided to stop taking my anti-depressants cold turkey. (If you are thinking of doing this, I reaaaaally do not recommend it.) I blamed my previous depression on my abusive manager and less than happy work life. I reasoned that if I was no longer around him, then the depression was unlikely to come back. I could not have been more wrong.

Cutting out the meds without properly stepping down and weaning off them, caused me to gain weight, which made me sad. I feel like a hypocrite saying that because I run a body positive blog, but its true. I was now working in the buying office for a major department store. I was already twice the size of most my colleagues. I was really trying to love my body, but I felt for months like I was constantly lacking or that I was somehow wrong. When all the anxiety and insecurities I was feeling finally got the best of me, I made an appointment to see a psychologist. Even though I hated being medicated, I cannot deny that it helped me feel way more balanced. My mom says it helps level the mental playing field. I started pouring myself into blogging more and letting my creative side guide me. I was determined to get my mental health under control and my blog back to being a positive force in my life. I tried to truly embrace the body positive examples I was seeing. 

For a year and a half, things with my blog and, to a large extent my work as a buyer, were good.  I constantly felt like I had new ideas and, although I was spending more than I should on clothing, I was blogging consistently. I was proud of my accomplishment and happy blogging. There were things I look back and wish I had done differently, but I was excited to grow as a writer. I joined blogging groups and took e-courses to learn how to put myself out there. I wanted to start working with brands and making a name for myself.

As I started to take the site more seriously, I started to realize it was not quite as fun as it used to be. I didn’t really feel like I was helping to inspire plus size women to be confident in their looks. In the past, I worked on how to style looks for a plus size body, but I had largely created a straight sized audience. I was catering to other fashion girls rather than people struggling with their self image.  It became yet another way I was seeking validation. More and more, it became an added stress. Blogging was something I had to do. I had to post weekly to stay relevant. I had to be involved in Facebook groups to connect with other bloggers. I had to always showcase something new. I had to promote my brand constantly.

Adding to the self imposed pressure was the fact the everyone - and I do mean everyone - had an opinion. People at work who couldn’t be bothered to speak to me in the halls were suddenly advising me on how to make money with my blog, what content I should post, and how to grow as a blogger. People who I barely exchanged pleasantries with felt the need to tell me how to manage my business and to question the direction of the site. It was as overwhelming as it was infuriating. I just wanted it all to stop.

Things really came to a head last Fall. I had begun to notice a major change in my mood. I am not going to go so far as to blame it entirely on blogging.  Because honestly it was not completely that. I was having issues with my friends, my day job as a buyer was starting to go into the busy season, I was developing new insecurities about my looks, and I felt myself wondering more and more is this it? (People joke about a quarter life crisis, but that’s exactly what it felt like.) In an effort to help me level off, my doctor switched me to a new medicine that had the unlucky side effect of making me gain weight. I was less than thrilled. Now, you might be saying who cares, she was already plus size, which is true. But running a blog that focuses heavily on clothing and  your appearance when you cannot fit into your clothes and do not feel pretty is almost impossible. In December, I just stopped trying. I stopped buying new clothes and booking shoots. I stopped blogging and even getting on Facebook. I would love to say that I had this amazing plan to detox, but really I just could not function. December was about surviving and I had to cut out the things and people that made it harder.

I stayed away from blogging for over three months. I brushed off questions from my friends and acquaintances about why I was not posting. I started to realize that it was not their business. I had over extended myself and become too dependent on like as a form of validation. I saw my savings account slowly grow as I stopped spending on new outfits every week. I started to realize that I didnt like sharing every little thing with the people around me and I didn’t really want them to share that way with me. Taking the step back was not all roses, but It gave me a chance to get so much needed perspective.

The detox may not have been planned, but it gave me time to reevaluate whether or not I even wanted to write anymore. Was this the end of Obsessions of a Fashion Nerd? There were parts of blogging I definitely missed - like the rush of scouting new locations and thinking of songs to accompany my posts. But there were also parts I definitely did not miss - the constant self promotion or the creepy people who messaged me asking for nudes. (Just FYI - its a hard no, stop asking!) In the end, I realized the only part I really missed was working with plus size men and women, helping them to accept and love their bodies. 

Which leads me to……

I’m not honestly sure. I know I want to start posting again, but on my terms. I want to start enjoying fashion again. I don’t want to, so much as need to, continue to work on my mental health. I hope that I can get involved in blogging again without losing myself. I hope that this frank honesty about depression, body image, and self esteem helps someone. So I guess we’ll see.