#possibly autistic

I just discovered I’m probably autistic…

I was excited to find out actually, it felt like for the first time in my life I was starting to make sense to myself.

But no one, not even loved ones, are taking me seriously. I’m heart broken. Am I just so good at masking that they don’t see it or am I just delusional?

I’ve scored really high on all the tests I’ve taken, yes, even medically approved ones. I feel like it’s explained so much about myself that I had previously just wrote off as me being really weird or traumatized from a rough childhood.

I don’t know what to do, because of those who know me best don’t even beleive me, what is even the purpose in furthing my exploration of it?

soulvomit:

they-callme-ami:

Fun discussion my mom and I had a few weeks ago:

My mom: hey we never formally gave you the test, but you definitely have autism somewhere on the scale. I’ve known since you were like 7 and I can see it clearer now after years of being around children in teaching.

Me: how on earth did you come to that conclusion?

These are things I have said and/or done that I believe led to this:

• “Can I take my blanket to (insert place)? Yes I am a 17 year old, who cares?”
• “Mom, I cannot eat coleslaw. Why? That time when I was 6, you made me eat it and it tasted like expired honey mustard. Of course I still remember. Also, you never gave me my slice of chocolate cake for that progress report in 3rd grade.”
• *proceeds to touch things with both hands or I will be jealous/uncomfortable of one hand touching it but not the other*
• “Wait, you guys don’t have scratchy sides to your blankets that you like to touch?”
• *proceeds to make random little songs and noises while doing the dishes*
• “I’m not going to eat this yogurt. It’s not the right kind. No, the texture is weird.”
• *realizes I stim by touching fuzzy things*
• ~jazz hands when something is sticky or I need to wash my hands~
• *tells everyone a random fact, irregardless to the timing* (ex: “Mom, I just found out Eartha Kitt was only ¼ black. Well yeah, I know you just got home, but I had to tell someone.”)
• *literally had to take a sick day after being overstimulated at the DMV the previous day*
• “It’s Friday night, which means it is pizza night. Why are we having burgers? Every friday we have pizza, mom.”
• *Touching everything at whatever clothing store I am in* “Can’t wear these shirts. Can’t wear these pants. Can’t wear th–”
• “Hey, do you remember–” *proceeds to talk about the 2000s for like 3 hours at a sleepover.
• “Hey, do you remember–” *proceeds to discuss why ‘Bratz: Girls REALLY Rock’ was actually better than Camp Rock.
• “Wait, you guys don’t just….fast forward through the cringy, conflict, everybody is upset with the Main character part of the movie/show? YOU WATCH IT?!”
• *got REALLY excited when watching Yo Gabba Gabba and Blue’s Clue’s*
• *other people explaining they have autism to me* “Huh. Okay, but I do those things and I’m not autistic. Why are you typing so fast?”
• “I dunno, I just seem to really ~get~ characters like Twilight Sparkle, Pinkie Pie Peridot, Kiki Pizza, Sokka, Penelope Garcia, Craig Williams, Grace Monroe, Min-Gi Park, Kez the bell, Jenny Wakeman, Zane and Lloyd, Rapunzel, Silver the Hedgehog and Blaze the Cat—”*proceeds to list the most neurodivergent, but also vastly different in personality characters you will ever see.*

(UPDATE) And my absolute favorite, just now:

• Using “Scritchy-scratchy” to describe how my blanket feels to my brother.

Update: my safe food is white cheddar cheese-itz. They are the only cheese-itz I will ever eat, and it has to be the brand name or I will fucking loose my mind.

So, I’d been wondering for the last few years if I might be on the autistic spectrum. Between what autistic friends have said about their experiences and reading up online for actually autistic accounts of what it’s like there just keep being things that match up both in my childhood and also the ways I am like now. I don’t know that I’d seek an official diagnosis since I don’t know that it would be of much help to me at this stage in my life, but I keep meaning to do more research into some of it to maybe understand certain issues I have better. I think it’s possible the episodes I sometimes have where I can’t speak are only partly fatigue related for example, wondering if they could be shutdowns that I’d only recently heard of, but I need to look into that more.

Anyhow, I wasn’t expecting to share that thought with my family though, because I didn’t know how they’d react and was worried they might be dismissive of it as they’d not always been good about my health issues. In a twist, one of my close relatives came to the conclusion they may well be autistic! And I’d actually been thinking that too, after I came to the conclusion I might be, but didn’t intend to bring it up either for similar reasons. But another more distant non-blood relative who’s autistic suggested it to them and they’d taken it seriously and looked in it and come to the conclusion they may be because it explains a lot of things about them tbqh.

All this turned out to make it unexpectedly very easy for me to mention to my family that I have been thinking I might be too, because they already knew it does often run in families and weren’t surprised by my saying that. I was expecting it to be a big deal, because they previously hadn’t been very informed on autism, despite knowing that more distant autistic relative, but now they’ve already been researching it in more detail, which was quite nice to hear they’ve been doing. I don’t know if this will result in any changes in our relationships, since stuff does tend to be strained with my family for other reasons, but it’s nice to have one of the things that I’ve been holding back from mentioning to them released and in the open. Now if only I could get to a place where they’d accept me being nonbinary without issue.

My fellow neurodivergents….how are yalls hyperfixations and special interest going. Been listening to “rolling girl” on repeat and nothing else for the past two days now….its not stopping anytime soon. Also unrelated but I turned 17 yesterday