Now I’m in my 24th year on earth I want to start being more open about my Autism. My art has always been an outlet for navigating my feelings of disconnect from others, as well as my struggle to grasp my inner thoughts and emotions. I feel very honoured that people find my way of expressing this experience interesting, so thank you all so much for being here
I was excited to find out actually, it felt like for the first time in my life I was starting to make sense to myself.
But no one, not even loved ones, are taking me seriously. I’m heart broken. Am I just so good at masking that they don’t see it or am I just delusional?
I’ve scored really high on all the tests I’ve taken, yes, even medically approved ones. I feel like it’s explained so much about myself that I had previously just wrote off as me being really weird or traumatized from a rough childhood.
I don’t know what to do, because of those who know me best don’t even beleive me, what is even the purpose in furthing my exploration of it?
ENG: Warning, I’m an android. (autistic*, but it’s almost the same)
I wanted to do this in my native language, because there is not much information about autism here where I live. And I think it is important that autistic people who speak Spanish and are Latino have some representation.
For some of us, motherhood is neither an option nor desire. Autism for me means feeling disconnected from even those closest to me, but with the complications of being cognizant of that gap. I could never love a child the way a child should be loved, and I have no desire to try. I know what it feels like to be unwanted, and to realize that my parent is unable to provide affection or appropriate parental support even if they wanted to try. It isn’t always “different when they’re yours”, and that isn’t a gamble I’m willing to take on someone else’s life.
So to the countless strangers, colleagues, and minor acquaintances who seem obsessed with my uterus, fuck off. My reasons are valid, but they are none of your business. The least you could do is be grateful I’m not contributing to overpopulation or risking increasing the social burden of my physical conditions by sharing my DNA.
Parenthood is difficult enough when you love and want your children. I have so much respect for autistic parents who are out there doing their best to raise beautiful people. I support your decisions, so please - I hope you’ll be respectful of mine.
Multiple gynos refused me an IUD because “oh, it hurts so much to put in when you’ve not had kids! We don’t want to put you in pain!!”
I was at a 7-9 on the pain scale regularly for my periods, and the docs were determined to make me run the gauntlet.
“But what about the pill?”
“Symptom-swap.”
“Have you thought about depo?”
“Mood drop.”
“And the patch?”
“Family history of breaking out in rashes.”
“Well, what about the nuva ring?”
“How will that NOT give me the same symptom-swap issues?”
“…”
“Look, I’m in pain so bad I wake up in the middle of the night. I’m in pain so bad I didn’t know I had appendecitis. I need SOMETHING.”
“Have you tried an ibuprofen protocol?”
“YES.”
“There are yoga poses that help with cramping.”
“I can’t uncurl from the ball of pain I’m in. How the hell am I supposed to hold position?”
“Well, how much caffeine do you drink? That could be a factor.”
“I have three cups of coffee a day and drink lots of water.”
And so on.
Then, one day, I made an appointment and went to Planned Parenthood.
“Yeah. Hi. I have incredibly painful periods that are fucking crippling me, and I need an IUD.”
“Okay. Do you have a chart of your periods I can look at?”
“Yup.”
“Okay. Looks like you have regular, heavy periods where the pain is worsening. Is that right?”
“Yup. And the fatigue. And the mood swings. And all of it.”
“Fatigue and mood swings, too?”
“Yup.”
“…is there any history of endometriosis in your family?”
“Yup. I’ve never been diagnosed, though. They say it takes a biopsy.”
“The biopsy can confirm tissue, but if you don’t have excess tissue, it doesn’t really help. You can have endo without excess tissue.”
“Okay. So, what are my options?”
“I suggest Mirena. Paraguard can make period symptoms worse even though it’s got no hormones while Mirena has a low-dose hormone that should help with all your pain and other issues. Here’s all the info on both of them. Here are models of both of them. Why don’t you take everything with you, read through it, then call if you have any questions? We can go ahead and schedule for insertion before you leave, and you can just call and say which type you want after you’ve read up. Is that okay?”
“…Yeah. That’s. That’s fine.”
“Do you have any questions right now?”
“Um, I got told a bunch I shouldn’t get an IUD because the insertion will hurt too much because I haven’t had kids.”
“Looking at the pain you’re usually in, I think you can handle it. It will definitely hurt, but it should only last about twenty seconds.”
“Twenty seconds?”
“Yes.”
“I’ve been refused the best option for dealing with my symptoms because of TWENTY SECONDS?!”
“Sadly, we hear that a lot.”
Planned Parenthood treated me like a PERSON who was in pain, not a walking uterus bitching and moaning about womanly things. Planned Parenthood showed me respect and kindness and respected the knowledge I brought of my own medical history to the conversation. Planned Parenthood respected my autonomy where other doctors rarely had and paid attention when I explained why I felt the IUD was the best choice. Planned Parenthood showed me I mattered, and I want to show how much they matter to me.
