#rpg gaming
We enter the Mako with the Mass Effect crew. Eventually, we drive through a wall into the throne room where our teammate, the gnome sorcerer, is sitting. Two years have passed since we left, and apparently he is now the ruler of this state. During an explanation of this, his “body guards” approach. Down the hallway we hear a distant *thump thump tsssss* over and over.
Ranger player: No. Nope. No. What’s next, Ben Stiller and the crew from Dodgeball?
DM: We are the Globo-Gym Purple Cobras and we will- WE WILL- rock you. *thump thump tsss-ing resumes*
Druid Player: I roll intimidate to make his bodyguards back down. *24*
DM: How exactly do you intimidate Ben Stiller?
Druid: HEY! YOU!
Ben Stiller: Yes, small strange child?
Druid: YOUR NOSE IS WEIRD, AND IF YOU HURT ME OR MY FRIENDS I WILL KILL YOU.
Ben: NO CHILD TELLS ME WHAT TO YOU. PURPLE COBRAS, ATTACK!
Druid Player: I shoot an arrow to pop his dodgeball first *21*
DM: The arrow goes straight into it, he looks at it, says ‘Oh no.’ and explodes.
Druid: WHAT!?
DM: His dodgeball was filled with explosives. Did you miss that part?
Druid: YES.
The elf barbarian is staring at Wrex in admiration.
Elf Player: I feel like… like I have to roll intimidate just to talk to him. *rolls* 24!
DM: You walk up and headbutt him, to which he replies “Ya got quads, kid.”
Elf: *screams*
The Normandy has just landed, Commander Shepard walked out.
Druid Player: I roll handle animal on the ‘small dragon’ (Normandy)
DM: What appears to be a smaller dragon or lizard pokes his head out of the door-
Wrex: I ain’t no animal, sweetheart.
DM: Suddenly, there is a sound in the sky. It goes *plays audio clip on his phone* BWAHHHHHHH
Druid Player: Are you fucking serious
DM: And a huge dragon that looks vaguely like a cuttlefish appears over the alley. Then, a smaller dragon swoops down and shoots a beam of light at the huge dragon, hitting it out of the sky. THAT dragon gives birth to an even smaller dragon, which lands on the ground, opens up, and a really cool woman steps out in black armor holding a huge gun.
Elf Player: ARE YOU KIDDING ME? MASS EFFECT?
DM: The cloaked man-
Elf Player: Batman.
DM: The cloaked-
Elf Player: BATMAN.
DM: THE CLOAKED MAN. YOU GUYS DON’T KNOW HE’S BATMAN. HE GRABS ONE OF YOU- I’m sorry, he grabs one of you, and you notice his colors don’t match this world.
Players:…
DM: He’s animated.
We’ve just emerged from a portal in a sewer in Cheliax, and we’re taken into an ally by a group of guards to see “The Governor”.
DM: Lightning strikes and you see a figure standing on top of a nearby building. Suddenly the figure drops down, and singlehandedly starts beating all of the guards down. He has a long black cloak on, and a mask with pointy ears.
Druid Player: … Is it Batman?
DM: …..
Leveling Up
Gnome Player: (DM), I need you to make an exception to your rules and let me take a spell from the advanced spellbook.
DM: We always do this, no.
Gnome Player: It’s called vomit twin.
DM: …
Gnome Player: …
DM: …
Gnome Player: Would you like to hear more?
DM: You’ve caught my attention. Proceed.
Gnome Player: You say the Titan Centipede in stunned?
DM: Yes.
Gnome Player: So if someone were to be in it’s mouth… would it immediately try to swallow that person?
DM: I mean…
DM: *says something stupid*
Druid Player: *throws a balled up peanut butter cup foil at him*
Foil: *gets lodged in DM’s ear*
Cleric Player: YOU CRIT!
Ranger: I’m going to try to get over this wall because my friends are on the other side and I want to make sure they don’t die.
Druid Player: I KNEW IT, YOU LIIIIIKE USSSSSS.
Ranger Player: Well, YOU don’t know it. You’re not here to hear me say that.
Druid Player: I roll sense motive to see if I can figure out he’s doing this for the power of friendship. *rolls 15*
DM: Oh he’s totally doing this for the power of friendship.
Druid: I KNEW YOU LIKED US!
Ranger: *from the other side of the wall* DAMN IT!
DM: I’m kind of disappointed he’s dead, having him find you was great.
Elf: His ghost should haunt him!
Gnome: I ain’t afraid of no ghosts
Ghost busters theme ensues
Update: Six months later, his ghost is now haunting him. Surprise!
We’re in our cramped jail cell, the cleric asks if anyone has any coins for him to pray to Abadar with.
Druid: *starts wretching*
DM: Did you…
Druid Player: I swallowed some of my gold pieces in case I didn’t get any of my money back.
DM: How many? You’re two feet tall.
Druid Player: 20. Do we have a bathroom?
DM: You have a bucket.
Druid Player: I hold my belt sash over the bucket and start throwing up, and eventually vomit a bunch of coins onto the cloth covered in stomach bile.
The gnome is being interrogated by a judge in a courtroom, each player has been interrogated in separate rooms so we couldn’t collaborate stories.
Judge: To be blunt, there are reports about your group traveling city to city, what are you doing?
Gnome: We are on a top secret mission.
Judge: Care to elaborate?
Gnome: A mission… from GOD.
Judge: Which one?
Gnome: All of them.
Judge: So you are neither a group of traveling do-gooders, bounty hunters, a group looking to set up a refugee camp, or traveling based on the elusive Book of Dreams?
Gnome: What do you mean? We are on a bounty hunting mission given by the Gods, looking to set up a refugee camp for those who have suffered. And… what was the last one?
Judge: The Book of Dreams.
Gnome: And we’ve… read a book.
… (We ended up imprisoned)
We’re in a wagon being brought in for questioning after witnessing a huge battle in which several important people have been killed (some by us). Picture a paddywagon with all but the viking inside, being guarded by one soldier.
Gnome: *burps*
Guard: QUIET OVER THERE
Cleric: What could you even be burping, we barely ate.
Elf Barbarian: Actually yeah can we have some food?
Guard: You’ll be fed in due time.
Druid: Okay, can I at least have my bag? It has some dried meat for the badger and peudo-dragon, they need to be fed.
[this is when the DM informs us that the animals aren’t in the wagon, they’re in a separate one in cages]
Druid: No, you don’t understand, they NEED to be fed.
Elf Barbarian: YEAH NO, YOU REALLY DON’T WANT TO DEAL WITH THAT DRAGON.
Guard: It’s a pseudo-dragon, we can handle it.
Druid- Player: CUT TO WHEN THEY CAN’T.
DM: So they’ve stopped for the night, soldiers are sitting around a fire.
Soldier: Where’s Reginald? I don’t think I’ve seen him since we had him guarding the carriage.
Reginald: *walks up, hair disheveled, clothes ripped and burned* Gentlemen, I have seen hell.
