EOS sent me this asking for an explanation after John saw it and immediately scheduled “essential maintenance” in which he would be “unreachable” up on Five from April 30th to lunch time on the 1st of May…
I’m not an expert on gardening and couldn’t find much to verify this tradition, but John seems to be playing things safe…
It’s all a lie, he’s not unreachable because of this, he’s unreachable because I have another workshop at a festival and he doesn’t want me to drag him to it again. This one isn’t a small one for my local groups, it’s a federation run one, so it’s thousands of people. The cucumber is an excuse, he knows I don’t grow vegetables.
*heaves a deep sigh and picks up her comm* EOS? you don’t need to worry about cucumbers or why they were planted like that. In the old days the men worked the fields and they sometimes did it naked so that they wouldn’t get their clothes dirty.
*turns back to Scott, checking her comm was off* That’s a total lie, the tradition is there because of the peen. Apparently, if a woman or an old man planted them the cucumbers would be small and useless. If they were planted by a young man in the prime of his life the cucumbers…well, let’s just say that you’d pick the young man who already had an impressive… cucumber…as a way of showing the seeds exactly what they were supposed to be measuring up to. Their “visible virility” I believe was the term used.
I’m sure you wouldn’t want me to go into more detail about your brother in that way so it’s probably best we just let it go, yeah?
Happy birthday to my bestie. He’s the best big bro in the world and he deserves all the good things in the world. But instead he’s going to get a day off (we hope) a cake not made by Grandma, and John turned off his morning alarm. What ever else he gets is determined by him.
(I let Alan do my column this month. Let’s see how he did.)
Capricorn
The Moon sneaks a peek at Venus - which she wasn’t happy about as she was sunbathing on the beach outside her house at the time -while at the end of the solar system. The Sun provides the perfect shade for Mars and Jupiter as they floss in the vacuum of space. Your stars are in alignment with the cookies of Oreo.
They are telling you to stop being a wuss and ask out that good looking Astronaut that has been flirting with you over the last slice of Arctic Roll in the cafeteria. You are in control of your life and you need to be brave enough to take the plunge.
Aquarius
Pluto and Neptune are throwing hands on the steps of an asteroid belt, obstructing crucial space communications. Wednesday is going to be a collision of galactic gravitational forces, obscuring your aura from the warmth of space radiation.
Don’t buy that sweater, the colour doesn’t suit you and it’s twenty years out of date. My dad would wear that. Besides, it’s totally over-priced even in the sale.
Pisces
Jupiter’s moons are hanging lower than normal and swinging backwards. The far off suns of the Milky Way are exploding causing ripples of distortion across the cosmic fretboard of time and space. Can you hear its echoing melody? Don’t tell Virgil, he’ll try to copy it and it sounds like a cat wailing. This disturbance will all come to a frightening head on Monday.
Go skiing with Chad from finance over the weekend. He’s been doing CrossFit and he’s looking to show off his new set of abs, though they will be nowhere near as nice as mine. He jelly.
Aries
Mercury has skipped town with a cute little moon just a few lightyears travel away from Saturn. A supernova in the proximity of the Cornetto quadrant has wiped out the only other signs of life in the galaxy but your Tuesday is looking to be pretty rad.
Give yourself a well-deserved long weekend off. Call in sick and leave a burning bag of poop on your boss’s front porch, go to the spa, have a facial and work on that acne. You’ll feel tons better.
Taurus
The multiverse is in chaos, even The Doctor is worried. Godlike beings like the Lazoons are playing snooker with countless realities, the time lines are in chaos! The screams of your doppelgangers are confusing the hell out of John, because he’s sure he logged that call twenty minutes ago. This will encourage thoughts of procrastination on Tuesday morning, but it’s fine, because you can put it off until Wednesday.
Don’t eat it. Don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about, Gordon said the same. Don’t touch it — don’t even look at it!
Remember that things aren’t always as bad as they seem, that there are still good people out there and good times in the future. Remember to reach out to your friends and check in on them, because we’re all in this together.
Gemini
As Marina C is slowly but surely swallowed by a black hole throughout the next month, Captain America will rise and obscure alternate heavenly bodies in accordance with the Titanic model, resulting in an overall crap storm of epic proportions.
Go ahead and sign up for that windsurfing class. Francesca will realize what she’s missing, just give it time and she will come crawling back.
Cancer
The geocentric orbit surrounding Earth this week may pull in several unexpected objects, including three satellites, two stars and an asteroid in the shape of Mickey Mouse. This in turn will affect the stability of spacetime, so avoid any heavy lifting on Friday, make Virgil do it, it’s easier.
Carefully read through all written work you come across this month, even if it’s from Brains, because otherwise you will be cloned and your evil doppelganger will take over your life while you remain locked in the cupboard in Colonel White’s office. He has far too many comedy ties but he never wears them. It’s just weird.
The world is still in chaos but that can’t be helped, five planets are retrograde and Selene says that always makes things iffy. I asked Scott what his advice was in regards to dealing with the world in general and he looked me dead in the eye and said “Make a completely normal approach, and keep your head.” I don’t know what he means by that but it seems important.
Leo
Saturn spins a sick beat on its new decks, rocking the universe with its slick beats. The little dipper spills cherry coke on the Andromeda constellation, initiating a sticky rain cloud that will fall only on Edinburgh.
Go back to bed, it’s fine, in fact, don’t even bother with bed, the floor is surprisingly comfy. Don’t worry, you won’t miss anything, absolutely nothing of interest will occur this month because everyone is still focused on themselves.
Virgo
The steady movements of the second star to the right will bring a sense of clarity to your life and you will recall moments of your childhood that you had previously forgotten. However, interference from Cygnus may work to confuse things more — watch out, because your Teddy Bear isn’t the good guy here! It will only get worse if you ignore it.
Those whispers you hear at night aren’t in your head, it’s aliens I tell you! You should probably Alien-proof your house. But don’t worry, if you don’t get abducted by Saturday your chances of living improve by 15 per cent! Buy that lottery ticket.
Don’t forget your masks when you go out in case someone coughs on you , we never do. There was one time that I didn’t bring mine and Gordon farted and let me tell you, I regretted it that day.
Libra
M-type main-squeeze star Alpha Bravo 6 will jumble up the celestial flow and likely have a huge impact on the double star of Teflon, possibly even all of Aluminium. Make sure to factor this in before making any decisions or building any Robots.
Watch out for banana peels, pool water and make sure to keep a box of band-aids with you. You’re going to be clumsier than John this week.
Scorpio
There has been an awakening in a distant galaxy. The dark side of the force is moving in to battle the light. They have been locked in an eternal conflict for the last six minutes and it shows no sign of stopping. As such, this will infect your Thursday evening with mean thoughts towards your best friend’s sister. Do not pull her hair just because stole your bike one summer.
Stop what you’re doing and go see Star Wars again. Don’t even think about it, it’s a great movie, buy me popcorn and I’ll come with you, I just have to wait until John we have an off week…so sometime in the next six to eight months suit you?
Sagittarius
A white hole off the tip of the Sombrero ring is spewing glitter at an alarming rate across the cosmos. A colony of sentient space mushrooms are drifting through the galaxy and set to collide with the Downward Dog.
When no one is watching pull that fire alarm. Free your brothers and sisters from the capitalist regime and the social niceties of life.
Hey guys! Here’s a plea to get some attention to my amazing friend and her FABulous art. She did this awesome piece of my two for my birthday a few years ago. So please check her out and give her a follow, her commissions are open.
Do you know what today is? It’s the best day, it’s a kissy day! Poor John is being pounced on from all directions.
I got him first thing this morning. Then Gordon smacked one on him on his way to breakfast. Grandma attacked him during breakfast. I got him again before he headed to the hangars and the space elevator.
Scott leapt out at him from a hallway and held him down while he went for the head. Then Virgil tackles him in the hangars as he was running for the elevator.
The only ones that didn’t get him were Jeff, Alan and Kayo, but there’s always tonight.
I’ll be getting him again too.
That will teach him to be the only one in the house.
