here are a few of the best relationship quotes I’ve come across over the years.
“you don’t have to sacrifice yourself in order to be loved” ~christieinge.com
“I mean I’m no expert but I’m pretty sure the dude making you cry every day isn’t your soulmate” ~unknown
“A soft reminder – Not everything that weighs you down is yours to carry” ~Juansen Dizon
“can we dead the idea that ‘no one will love you until you love yourself’ when it’s more like if you don’t recognize your own value you’re more likely to endure mistreatment that you don’t deserve” ~@afrhoes
“stop shrinking yourself to fit places you’ve outgrown” ~unknown
“Do not question an old love, a done love. Don’t touch it, search through it, rip it apart. Let it be what it was and put it away somewhere untouched. And then walk away from it into your own life. Let it hurt. Until it doesn’t.” ~unknown
“don’t light yourself on fire trying to brighten someone else’s existence” ~whisper
“Your relationship should be your place of peace…It should be the place where all armour comes off, egos are humbled and transparency reigns supreme” ~Rachel L
“Don’t let empathy force you into staying in spaces that poison your spirit, and drag your soul in the mud. You can leave whenever you want to. goodbyes can taste bitter in the moment, but the aftertaste can be so sweet” ~iambrillyant
So many girls/women I know blame themselves when men are violent or abusive towards them. “He hit me, but I deserved it because of the way I…” or “yes he hit me but it was my own fault because I…” Here’s the thing, though. Women are never hit without a reason being given, but that reason is NEVER a good one. Yes, maybe you did something that, in a spiraling chain of events eventually ended up with him hitting you. But hitting is never an appropriate response to ANYTHING, no matter what you do. So while you may feel responsible and take the blame for it because an action of yours precipitated the abuse, you are not at fault for how he reacted. (Note: I am aware that men are the victims of domestic violence as well. However, I’m speaking from my experience as a woman)
they say “it was worth the wait”and I mean, yes, absolutely, it is 100% worth the wait, but the fact is, the wait is HARD, and when you’re waiting, you’re not only waiting, you’re worrying hoping that the wait isn’t in vain, and that’s the hard part. its not the time thats hard. its the worry and fear that you’re waiting for something that’ll never happen. if you told someone that 100% they’d find their person by 25, it would be a lot easier. its not the wait thats hard, its the uncertainty, the worry that you’re not good enough, and if you’re not worried about that you’re worried that the kind of person you’re looking for doesn’t exist. that’s what’s hard, and being told, “yeah i waited a long time but it was worth it” doesn’t take away the fear and uncertainty. “well I waited a long time, you’re only…[insert age]” doesn’t help. if it was assured, the wait would be easy. you’d simply fill your life with other stuff and stop worrying about it, always knowing that it’ll be okay. and that’s the best advice i can give to someone who is waiting: live your life as if you’re promised it’ll happen. its better than worrying, and it means you’ll enjoy your singleness, and you’ll be a more interesting person for it. also, a friend told me: the person you marry has such a big impact on the rest of your life, its too big a thing for God not to be involved. so He will be. you don’t have to be afraid that he won’t be, or that he won’t hear you. and never settle! thats another thing that people say a lot, and let me tell you, it’s true. however: its also overused and cliche and hard to listen to or take seriously. so heres some explanation:
if you settle, you’ll always have the nagging feeling of, “what if i’d waited just that little bit longer…"
this is literally gluing your life to another person for the rest of your life. you want to be 100% sure. this is the person you’re going to spend the rest of your life with. you GET to be picky
dating sucks if it’s the wrong person. you’re constantly worried, disappointed, anxious.
the person has to feel right, otherwise you’ll always be dissatisfied and be questioning
things can go badly badly wrong if you settle for someone who you deep down know you shouldn’t.
“everyone deserves a ‘I didn’t know it could be this good’ kind of love”. settling is NOT that. if you know what you want, then wait for it, otherwise you’ll never be satisfied (especially if you’ve seen it or experienced it before).
We see so many stories and posts about bad doms, and whilst I agree that a bad dom can cause more harm due to the inherent power exchange in the relationship, there are just as many bad subs out there.
So here’s a shout out to, all the amazing doms who step up every day and take their responsibility seriously.
We see so many stories and posts about bad doms, and whilst I agree that a bad dom can cause more harm due to the inherent power exchange in the relationship, there are just as many bad subs out there.
So here’s a shout out to, all the amazing doms who step up every day and take their responsibility seriously.
(Follow these steps to go from a healthy dating life to a healthy romantic relationship)
• Step 2: Analyze your list. See if you’re actually ready to begin your dating-relationship journey.
If followed correctly, you’ve looked inward when creating your list. So the important questions to ask yourself now is:
-Do you normally attract a person of this caliber?
-Are you the type of dream partner this “person” is asking for on their list?
-What similarities do you and your dream partner share?
-Does your lifestyle match with theirs?
-What do you offer in love for this person, are you giving as much as you’d like to receive?
After asking yourself these questions, if you’ve answered yes to them all, congratulations, you are ready to begin your dating-healthy relationship journey.
If you answered no, to one or more, you are not ready to begin yet. But DON’T dim or change your list. Take a good look at it and realize, this is exactly what you want.
You wrote it, so this is what your inner woman desires.
Day to day, you dim and change your list; settling for less because you’re desperate for companionship but come out disappointed in every failed relationship.
Now you take back your energy.
Now you focus on what you truly want.
Stick with your list.
Just take it and give yourself time to achieve and level up. You want this person, prepare to receive them. Create the life you know you need to live to attract them.
Then when ready, ask yourself these questions again.
In a healthy romantic relationship you want to make sure that you are keeping your most high within it. Despite what ever it is you may believe in.
What ever it is you may identify as, (i.e Christian, Buddhist, Science) practice those beliefs within your relationship.
Homework:Pray with/for them. Meditate with them. Try telepathy practice, where the two of you hold hands, close your eyes and try to communicate with each other mentally.
These are important aspects because your most high will never steer you wrong. In disagreements, in love, etc.
It will also deepen your connection with your partner, spiritually.We don’t have forever here, connect with their soul, not just the humanly fleshthey’rein.
This is simply grounds for a long-lastinghealthyromanticrelationship.
(Do’s:meditate, pray, go to church, spirituality, astrology, astro-charts, synastry.)
(Follow these steps to go from a healthy dating life to a healthy romantic relationship.)
• Step 1:Write out your list for your dream partner.
This is the most important part. This sets all your frogs away from your king/queen/them.Here you will set your boundaries as far as looks, occupation, religion, height, mindset, mentality, beliefs, family life, etc.
This is where you get selfish, this is where you write down exactly what you want from your dream partner and from your dream romantic relationship.
Be realistic here.
It’s most important to look inward in this moment.
Communication-Listening. Communicationis the most generic tip there is for healthy relationships but never fully explained for both parties involved.
Communication is extremely important for both partners to get their point across and feel as if they are being heard in a relationship. With that said, when it is time to communicate, you must actively engage and listen when you partner is speaking to you. Giving them the same luxury and ear that you’d want, when you are the one speaking.
Ego plays a huge part here. Put your ego to the side, shush and listen to them.
Communication can only work if you are listening to understand rather than listening to speak afterwards. You want to make sure you understand your partner’s perspective as well as your own. Empathy plays a huge part here.
Always feel free to express yourself in a relationship. Talk it out. Say what you need to say but always remain respectful to each other.
(Dos:listen to your partner when they’re speaking, understand their perspective even if you don’t agree with it, give them time to express themselves, stay quiet and fully take in what’s being said, think before you speak.)
(Don’ts:speak over them, wait for them to be quiet so you can finally speak, tell them what they feel is wrong, only express yourself without hearing your partner out, speak before you think it through, hit below the belt in disagreements, be disrespectful to your partner, speak illy to your partner.)
If you’re familiar with my account, you’ll know I talk a lot about toxic relationships in literature, but what, on the flipside, constitutes a healthy relationship?
Trust- If A says they’re going to hang out with friends, B should not be ‘checking up on them’ or demanding texts while they’re away. Jealousy isn’t cute.
Honesty - But, of course, trust needs to be earned. This is with honesty. Lying to protect someone is still lying and that is not a good foundation for a loving relationship.
Independence - In a healthy relationship, both parties have the freedom to do things on their own. Co-dependent situations, even ones built on love, are not healthy.
Respect- “I won’t let you do that” –> “I respect you and trust your judgement.” Even if A doesn’t like B’s decision, they should have enough respect for one another to discuss the decision until both parties understand one another.
Communication- If you want to discuss decisions you’re going to need good communication. Arguments don’t need to be screamed in a “passionate rage” for things to be said with emotion and heart. Yes people get emotional, but that is not the time to discuss important things.
Equality - Power imbalances can lead to toxicity. If both parties have mutual respect and understanding for one another, this can be avoided, but the 200 year old immortal x the 18 year old girl is a little weird don’t you think? What’s next, 90 year old mortals and 15 year old boy?
Empathy - When arguing, both A and B should be able to empathise with the other. If that means A shelving their agenda so that you can hear B out and then deal with their side later, that’s a healthy approach.
Taking Accountability - Even people in healthy relationships do unhealthy things sometimes. What matters is they take responsibility for it and give meaningful apologies, not grad gifts when they already have a billion dollar trust find.
Comfort-Both A and B should feel comfortable around each other. When they’re reunited after a long day or time apart, they will feel at ease by being around one another, not on edge and fearing an argument.
Fun - Healthy relationships are fun! A&B will have so many in jokes that end in laughing fits. They have things that they love to do together, things that they both love to do. Not A forcing B to watch the notebook on repeat.
So there you have it, 10 things that make a relationship healthy.
Links to my posts on toxic relationships are below:
It’s just the sentiment behind them that I find so reprehensible. It’s this idea that men need a retreat away from the responsibilities of family life whereas women do not. I very seldom see people who have man caves also have a space for the woman and if they do it’s always significantly smaller, less equipped, and seldom used.
And the thing is men will often argue this point by saying “well she has the rest of the house” because they think that forcing their wives/girlfriends to do all of the administrative work around the house constitutes personal space. So they force their partners to become household managers wherein a daily flow is created that they are not involved enough to feel a part of, this creates a sense of disconnect from family life, and makes men feel as if they’re being bossed around in their wife’s home , which creates a need to “get away.” Which basically results in him hiding while his wife runs the household. Men think this is fair because they think that it’s natural for women to be household managers rather than realize she’s just picking up his slack.
Seriously if you need fanfiction to teach you what healthy and normal relationships are like, you don’t need fanfiction you need resources geared towards teaching you what healthy and non-abusive relationships are like.
Please go to scarleteen. Please watch MamaDoctorJones’ episode about consent. Please go to people who are actively, explicitly, and specifically trying to teach you about healthy relationships and consent, and crucially, people who have the qualifications to teach you these topics. A fanfic writer might be: secretly a thirteen year old, someone who’s just gotten out of or is still in an abusive relationship and has internalized hurtful messages about relationships because of their abuse, someone who’s bad at writing, someone from an abstinence-only sex education background, someone who has no relationship experience, someone who has different boundaries around sex than their reader, or someone who assumes their readers are all adults who understand what abuse is and the fact that it’s bad and you shouldn’t do it in real life. None of these hypothetical writers deserve to be banned from writing. None of these hypothetical writers deserve to receive abuse for what they’ve written. None of these hypothetical writers should be taken as educational resources about important topics like consent, sexuality, sexual health, or sex education.
There ARE resources out there that are created with the express aim of teaching people, especially young people, what a healthy relationship is supposed to look like. For the most part, though, random fanfiction writers aren’t those people, and that’s okay! They shouldn’t have to be. Fanfiction is entertainment, and it doesn’t have to beat the reader over the head with a moralistic message. Fanfiction writers assume, and should be able to assume, that their readers understand the purpose of fiction and aren’t using fiction as a replacement for actual educational material about sexual health and domestic violence.
In fact, it’s actually fucked up and mega super dangerous to actual real people, particularly children, to act like fanfiction is a replacement for education about domestic violence and sexual abuse. Real sexual health and domestic violence support groups and organizations spend lots of time and money trying to get the public educated about consent and healthy relationships, and we should listen to those people instead of acting like consent is a topic that should or can be learned from osmosis through reading fanfiction or watching media.
Especially considering, you know, how much our culture plays fast and loose with the concept of consent, blames victims of abuse, and generally portrays myths around sex, abuse, and relationships.
Normalize regularly reading and rereading nonfiction guides to healthy relationships. Normalize regularly practicing nonsexual consent, checking in with people if they seem uncomfortable or before starting a conversation about heavy topics, taking “no” for an answer, respecting boundaries (yours and other peoples’) without demanding in-depth explanations of why they exist, making others feel safe setting boundaries around you, etc. Normalize reading multiple sources, examining sources, and asking yourself “Who wrote this? Why did they write it? What credibility do they have? Should I listen to them?” instead of just taking absolutely everything you read at face value.
Fanfiction can’t and shouldn’t be used as an exclusive resource to teach you the things the above sites can teach you.
It would be cool if people realized that and stopped expecting random fanfic writers to start every fictional work they write with the express purpose of teaching their audience how sex and relationships are supposed to work. Instead of abusing fanfic writers who explore taboo topics, read and share resources that can actually help people learn about consent and healthy relationships. Because as someone who used to exclusively read fluff, a lot of fluffy fic writers don’t know SHIT about consent and teaching kids and teens that they should look to random strangers as examples of healthy relationships is fucked up.
“Understanding the difference between “niceness” & kindness”♡
How do I fix my “performative “niceness”
Think about “performative niceness” as a bit of a self soothing habit. It always used to feel validated in the fact that we are nice people. Decent people. Almost like feeding your ego but I believe that performative niceness is in most instances stems from people pleasing.
“What is people pleaser?”
A people pleaser is something that’s defined by Merriam-Webster as “a person who has an emotional need to please others often at the expense of his or her own desires”
This habit can stem from parenting or anything that in a sense lowers someone self-esteem. A lack of self confidence will send someone to look outside of themselves for validation.
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“Performative niceness” may also push you to limit your response to things you don’t like or don’t find generally agreeable.Remember to ask yourself if not speaking up or using your clear communication skills and establishing clear boundaries is honoring yourself and respecting yourself or further digging yourself into a hole.
Determine if exuding “niceness” rather than “kindness” is really what you should be doing. Niceness is a sense empty. It doesn’t stem out of anything truly genuine. Someone who is genuinely a horrible person or lacks morals can easily be “nice” to someone they come across in the grocery store but moving out of their way, or letting them cut them in line.
For example, because I know this is something you can all relate to or understand. Is that “nice” guy you know really a genuinely nice guy or he just portrays to others that he is nice to achieve something or not be held accountable for his lack of respect and human decency towards the women in his life or that he chases after? Exactly.
If you’re subconsciously asking yourself or wondering if others think your “kindness” is enough, it’s probably not true kindness. Kindness stems from sitting with yourself and honestly and truly deciding to do what’s best for others because you truly care.
I do not have to be “nice” if I don’t want to. But I am kind because I have others best interest in mind and dedicate my life and my time to helping people overcome the things that they are struggling with. Not because I need that validation but because I simply want to and want the world to be a better place.
Hope this was a helpful piece. Follow my aesthetic page @cooki3face on Instagram for coquette black girl aesthetics and more. <3
Love you so much, good morning, good evening, or good night. Hope you’re doing well.
(I don’t know why my posts have been on the more serious side lately, I swear I’ll get back to additional fun things soon, but there’s something ✨sappy✨ I wanted to note.)
Love is a finicky thing. It takes a lot of guts to put your heart out there, and to bear the ups and downs of a relationship.
It’s a strange thing, when you truly feel so deeply for somebody, to realise that you’d risk that kind of loss for them.
They make you happy, smiling until your cheeks are sore. They make your chest all warm, sweet actions leaving butterflies in your stomach. They light up your day, just the fact that they’re around. And god, that could all be taken away. You’re all too aware that, because you let yourself care so much, it would hurt like hell to lose. It’s terrifying.
But everything is good right now. Genuinely, it is! That isn’t some excuse. You think you’ve learned love again. And that? Oh, that’s fucking glorious.
It’s still scary, of course, to go all in when you know how much you have to lose. But all those moments… they just go to show that sometimes, it’s worth a shot.
Shortly after leaving LO, I went out on a date. A few days after that I started talking to someone else. And a month or so after that I got into a relationship with someone new altogether. I rushed into situations in pursuit of the experience of love and happiness I’d felt robbed of with LO, unaware of how deeply his actions had actually impacted me. I thought I’d left at the first incident of abuse, since I’d ended things the moment he hit me; I had no idea that I’d just experienced three years of psychological violence.
The new relationship was great at first because David was loving and devoted. But when I was with him I found myself acting in ways I hadn’t before. I was on edge. I was reactive. Needy. Possessive. It was a major trigger for me if he in any way displayed inconsistent behavior because that was a warning sign I’d once ignored, to detrimental consequences. LO had acted like such a nice person initially and I’d failed to detect the imminent abuse―what if my judgment was wrong about David as well? How could I trust that he too would not transform into Mr. Hyde the moment I let down my guards? I had no idea how to feel stable or safe and with the ongoing tug of war within me between wanting to trust him and feeling too terrified to do so, I constantly felt like I was on the verge of losing my mind.
With the traumatic memories playing on repeat, I became vigilant at all times for any sign that I might be in danger, in an effort to protect myself from going through the same things again. Although in a sense it felt safer for me to stay in this state of readiness, I was actually revisiting the trauma over and over again as I constantly scanned my environment for its warning signs.
I was once with a man who yelled at me, after I worked 20 straight days and was on my couch in a terrible amount of pain, telling me that I was useless and didn’t do enough around the house and yard. I just took it and cried silently staring at the ceiling because at that point I just didn’t have the energy to fight back anymore.
Now I’m with a man who sings me to sleep whenever I feel sick. A man who makes me know that he loves and appreciates me. A man who constantly reminds me of how excited he is to marry me and actually says ideas for our wedding.
I was once in a man who told me that I looked better with makeup. On my days off from work even if we weren’t going anywhere he would make me feel awful about myself if I didn’t do my hair and makeup, and then would just go into the office and play video games all day.
I’m now with a man who says how beautiful I look right when I wake up, unshowered with my hair in a sloppy bun. He just stares at me at times and smiles while telling me what he loves about me.
I was once with a man who would turn off the radio when I was singing along. Specifically there was once a time when I put on a song to sing to him and he turned it off and he changed the subject.
I’m now with a man who SINGS WITH ME and puts aside nights for us to specifically sing for hours. He sings along with me while I play the guitar (which I’m learning so it isn’t the greatest) and will compliment my playing while enjoying the music.
DO NOT STAY WITH SOMEONE JUST BECAUSE YOU’VE BEEN WITH THEM FOR YEARS AND IT’S COMFORTABLE. Leave your abuser. Stop rationalizing their behavior. FIND YOURSELF. FIND YOUR SOULMATE. FIND HAPPINESS.
It means so much to me that I can be all that to you❤ youve made my life so warm and full of joy. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been because of you, you really are the love of my life! I can’t believe someone as wonderful as you can love me❤ I will be forever yours, forever and ebers and eberss!!! Alsoooo you look gorgeous in the morning so shhh❤
