#signpost
Post Surgical Reflections.
TW: Bullying, abuse, assault.
…
On March 18,2019, I had my mtf, gender affirmation surgery. On the 23rd, they finally took the packing out of … uh … ME.
I was so excited for this to happen, because comfort, basic needs, and other reasons…
When the doctor began removing the dressing, it was this searing, hypersensitive “stuff was stuck and dried in place” kind of moment. Like, white hot, worst pain of my life, don’t go into the light little Fia instant.
I screamed. I cried. I thought something was wrong.
All the while, my doctor’s is asking me to talk about what I was feeling. And I couldn’t. It was too intense.
Physically, what I felt was a kind of burning and ripping. Like I had to poop and pee and fart at the same time, but maybe was actually bleeding internally. When I explained it to the nurses in the Room (who have had children), they said I had just described birth, if birth only took 5 minutes.
My doctor said that my newjina looks beautiful. Nurses nodded in agreement. I’m glad he’s excited about it, and feels so positive. But he was upset, too, because I was In so much pain.
When it was done, it was done. I sat – or rather I lay there in bed, thinking about this for a while; why did I scream? Why was it so painful?
And I started thinking, there was 35 years of hurt coming out of me. Every nasty thing anyone ever called me when I was a child. The molestation. The incessant bullying.
Every time I was excluded, or “othered.”
My mother’s beatings. The rape…
Every little bit of pain and agony I have ever endured my entire life up until that moment purged out of me.
Was RIPPED out of me in one fell swoop, once and for all.
Now, I feel peaceful. Lighter, and in a way, unburdened.
I feel real.
When I explain to folks that this surgery was a life saving procedure, not a status thing, or a fun cosmetic whim like a new piercing, I mean exactly what I say:
My life was saved.
And so, my new life of authenticity continues…
Legend tells that the Lincoln Imp was turned to stone after causing havoc in the cathedral. The city of Lincoln have adopted the grotesque as their mascot- Lincoln, UK
a world in which tiramisu gelato exists within easy reach of everyone is a world worth fighting for
This, completely seriously.
道標
Where to go?
