A/N: Surprise I’m not dead! I wrote this for @imagining-in-the-margins fic swap and got my wonderful friend babyleaf! This was my first time writing for Ralves, hope you enjoy! Couple: Spencer Reid/Fem!Reader/Luke Alvez Category: NSFW Content Warning: descriptions of penetrative and oral sex, degradation, praise Word Count: 1.4k
I’ve always loved things that come in threes.
When I was little, it was a tricycle. Too top heavy for my childhood innocence, metal bars dented from gravel flying up as I taught my body my first love, what flying felt like. I can still hear my mom’s laughter and feel my father’s arms wrapping around my stomach and pulling me back, keeping me from the expanse of the asphalt. My first love was brought to me in threes.
As I got older, it was clover leaves. I loved finding four leaf clovers, but there was something particularly enthralling about being surrounded in a sea of trios, green triplets cushioning my toes. I would pick them and bring them to my mother, and she’d chastise me, reminding me that only the four-leafed plants held the luck she thought I was searching for. But it wasn’t luck I wanted, it was company.
As an adult, I found threes everywhere. Primary colors. The hands on ticking clocks. Suits, trilogies, stoplights, blind mice, guitar chords, and love. I noticed three in everything, made it a point to learn three in every language a search engine could give me.
When I met Luke Alvez, I thought my trilogy of findings was over. I had found my duo. I had learned what two fingers felt like, how they learned my body and carved their ownership into my muscles. Felt his lips pressing constellations into my shoulder blades, his two hands caressing my chest and dragging up to tilt my head to the side, moving to capture me in a much too short kiss. His touch left twos all over my skin, all over my body. When I met Luke Alvez, I kissed threes goodbye, leaving them behind for a lifetime of duologies.
Luke and I developed a routine over the next two years, of loving and loving. I memorized what he felt like inside me, memorized his kisses, memorized him in every conceivable way. I looked to Luke Alvez to teach me what good meant, and he taught me what it felt like, too. He was my ethos, balancing me between vigilance and passion. He kept me from my fire and kept me in my ice.
When I met Spencer Reid, everything changed. From the moment I saw him, my love of threes came back in waves. His curls fall down, each ringlet in three turns. His speeches, all three points to be made. Every handshake with three squeezes, every laugh with three crescendos. I never thought threes would be mine again, until I saw the look in Spencer Reid’s eyes when he looked at my Luke, and Luke looked at him the same way.
When I met Spencer Reid, I knew then and there my duo would soon become a trio. There was no way around the way he and I, he and Luke, and Luke and I all looked at each other. Luke came home that day, puppy like and swooning, talking Roxie’s ears off about his new coworker. I couldn’t blame, after all I did, and do, feel the same way about our new object of affection. I was just a bit better at hiding it than Luke. How Spencer and his brain didn’t piece it together sooner, I’ll never know.
Luke had confessed over coffee, sputtered words and burnt tongue spilling every secret to Dr. Reid. I never thought I’d see the doctor turn so red, but I soon found out he could turn me redder than that still.
Spencer Reid taught me the meaning of trilogy, of three, of us. Luke and I thought the duo was the ending, that the two of us had achieved something unlike anything gifted to humankind before. We were proven incredibly wrong the moment Spencer Walter Reid stepped into our life. The power of three was something I had never considered before I felt his love, his prowess, his consideration.
I memorized Spencer, too. The way his hands felt around my shoulders, pinning me back against him with his writhing hands making their way down my body. I memorized his teeth biting at the flesh between my neck and shoulder, the sound of his belt sliding from belt loops, memorized the way he made the hairs on my neck rise with the simplest whispers in my ears. Beyond that, I memorized the way he kept me calm. The way the brushes of his fingertips assuaged my beating heart, his careful ranting filling empty longing spaces between Luke and I’s silent words. He was our logos, our life’s reason and animus. He kept us bound but bated and every bit of him is in our grasp.
That wasn’t the only way he kept us bound, no, the man was deft and practiced with silken rope. Nothing burns in my memory quite so much as the memory of tied hands behind backs and fatigued knees from sitting in front of him, head craned to stare up at his chiseled physique. He’d trace my jawline, pry my mouth open, let his fingers take up precious real estate in my throat.
“What a beautiful, disgusting thing you are. Opened up for me, hm?” He’d mock me, nothing but love behind his eyes as I stared, nodding.
“All for you,” I’d whisper, choking on his hand in my mouth, my words wrapping around him. He always understood the sentiment. Luke would come around then, sliding my shirt off my shoulders long enough to bite his ownership into me.
“Pretty girl,” he’d say, rough hands smoothing up over my chest, reaching up to unbutton Spencer’s slacks and pushing my head forward to take him into my mouth. I remember looking up through shortened eyelashes and seeing his head thrown back in glory and Luke muttering, “Oh, good girl.” He always could sing my praises. That was something else I’d memorize too, the ecstasy loving them provides.
Spencer would pull me up then, fist in my hair and throw me onto our bed, snarling, “Oh, I’m not done with you yet. He may be nice to you, but I won’t be, not yet. You’ve got to earn it.” My face pushed down into the bed, his hand against my back and Luke’s hands running up my legs to trace at my heat, Spencer had pushed into me, moaning something unintelligible for the first time in his life.
He’d use me, thrust into me with a fistful of hair pulling my head up just enough to wrap around Luke, who would caress my face and tell me how good I was being, how sweet and patient. It would only be so long before Spencer would fill me with his warmth, falling over me and pressing kisses to my back, muttering his own praises in languages and feelings I would never understand. Luke would follow soon after, wiping my mouth and giving his own kisses to the corners of my mouth, copying Spencer’s lilted praises.
It’s all of these things that I leave memorized, imprinted, in stone in my mind. It’s now that I understand my place among the trilogy, the pathos of us all. My passion, my love, my desire. It turns out that, after all, I do still love in threes. Luke, Spencer, myself. The trio of a lifetime, of a long while, of our little piece of infinity.
Summary: Bunny runs into Kyle and learns things about Spencer she isn’t ready to handle. A/N: Gif is mine (here) Big thank you to everyone for your support so far - this early chapter is dedicated to you all! Couple: Spencer Reid/Fem!Reader Category: Slow Burn (NSFW, 18+) Content Warning: Physical assault, slapping, sexual threat, screaming/arguing, guns, discussions of hypothetical rape/sexual assault.
This chapter also features a graphic PTSD episode/flashback and autistic meltdown in which Spencer’s canonical trauma (and implied CSA) is briefly recounted/referenced. This chapter might be troubling for those who have trauma-induced flashbacks, feelings of suicidal ideation, sexual or physical trauma, or experiences with gun violence or domestic abuse.
On the Series Masterlist, I will include a brief description of the events that take place in this chapter for those who choose not to read it. This is your reminder that no story is worth your well-being, and I do not mind if you opt out of this chapter. Word Count: 8.6k
I’d never liked frat houses. After the first five minutes I spent in one, I was convinced that no one ever could. It seemed downright impossible. Beyond the sticky layer of sweat, beer, and something else I didn’t want to think about, was an undercurrent of sinister, unsettling behavior.
Drunk men had never been my forte. I could hardly handle them when they were sober. Granted, it was a lot easier to trick a drunk man into thinking you’d follow him into a room just before you shut the door and locked it to protect the rest of the crowd from the menace.
Summary: Reader has waited so long for his wedding night. Especially because Spencer has not had him since the date was announced
Relationship:Spencer Reid x Trans Man! Reader
WC: 1K
A/N: Hi my loves! I write this fic in a culmination of two days and I love it!! I need this in my life.
CW:Mild Breeding Kink, NSFW, Mild possessiveness/ownership (“My husband” is said multiple times), and use of the term “sweet boy." Reader has no specification of a chest or not, but AMAB and AFAB terms are used to describe their body.
NSFW 18+ ONLY
———-
“I have always wanted someone to call my own,” he said softly, his knuckles brushing against the bridge of my nose, across my bottom lips, over my cheek. It was all places that he already had memorized ‐ every divot and curve and line already been touched by his hands twofold. This was … different through. Far better than every other time. “For some time, I was sure that I’d be fine with anyone. I can see now how wrong I was, my sweet boy.”
Spencer’s hands slid down my shoulders, moving to trace down my torso. I was burning. Spencer must be on fire considering how every touch of him to me scorched my skin in the best of ways. I knew that after tonight, I would never know anything but his hands on me. My husband placed a soft kiss on my hip bone, his warm eyes honeyed in the candlelight. “Anyone but you as mine ‐ my husband ‐ would be so wrong.”
The kiss turned into kisses as Spencer trails down the dip where my leg connects to my torso. He has long taken off my boxers, and every other piece of pesky cloth that could hide me from his eyes. I don’t feel the need to hide from him, though, I never have. Spencer is the first person I have ever wanted to see me. My loving husband, though, is still fully clothed in the tux that we had married in. Spencer uses two of his fingers to spread me open and licks up me. If I have any brain cells left, I would complain to him about soiling his tux, but Spencer gave me no time as he eagerly licked into me. I had asked him to let his scruff grow a bit for our wedding night, and it tickled at my skin and my thighs. Spencer’s lips wrapped around me and I could not stop the whine that fell from my lips. His fingers found his way into me and he set a mind melting pace.
“My husband has such a pretty little cock,” Spencer muses. He takes me back into his mouth, and no one could have prepared me for the way he hollowed his cheeks and sucked. My husband must have hidden this - this talent for a reason; if he had ever done this before our wedding day, I would have never made it to the altar. I would have been fucking him too insatiably. I was in love with the way he groaned around me as his tongue rolled around me, his fingers arching into that spot inside of me and I melted. Pleasure practically oozed from every bit of me. My hips rocked against Spencer’s hands and his mouth as I came. With a soft groan, my husband pulled away from my cunt. He smiled at me, one of the smiles that I had first fallen in love with - bashful, kind, and full of so much love.
When I looked at the man in front of me, changed by so much but still imbued with the same kindness, I knew that I could never have picked a better man to wed.
My slick covered his stubbled chin, “You fit so perfectly in my mouth.”
A noise fell from me and I laced my hands through his hair to pull him up to me, pressing a sloppy kiss to his lips. One of Spencer’s hands came to rest on my jaw, some of my own wetness dragged across my skin. His other hand made quick work of his tie and shrugged off his jacket.
I don’t think Spencer had ever gotten undressed so fast. His button-up shirt and pants were gone before I could even register that he was lining himself up to me.
His kisses trailed down my lips to my jaw and then to the side of my neck. My hands came to push at his shoulders. Spencer whined at being dragged away from the ability to kiss my skin, a pout forming over his lips.
“I have a wedding present for you, my love. Wait just a moment.”
Spencer shook his head, “A present? Baby, you’ve already given me the ability to hold my entire world in my arms, forever. What more could I ever ask for?”
I pressed a kiss to his cheek, my lips resting by his ear as I whispered the next few words. There was no one else who could hear them, but I wanted to make sure they were his and only his to have. “What about being a dad?”
My husband’s eyes widened. “But - you’re on birth control?”
I shook my head at him, a smile swept over his face. “I stopped after you said you weren’t going to have me again until our wedding night. I wanted to surprise you.”
He nodded at me quickly, already realigning himself and pushing his hips as he muttered, “Let’s make a baby.” One of my husband’s hands came to rest on my stomach while the other grabbed the back of my thigh, pushing it up so that he could bury himself deeper into me.
He moved his face to try and kiss me, but our lips only hastily connected before the pace he set left me nothing but a moaning mess. I was so glad that he made me wait because the feeling of him inside of me again as my husband was perfect in ways I could never have imagined. Every cell in my body sang with joy as I came to my second orgasm of the night, Spencer’s adept fingers then bringing me into a third.
His hips came still against mine. Spencer’s forehead pressed to mine as a broken whine fell from his lips. Warmth flooded my tummy, and some of his cum dripped between my thighs. Spencer went to pull away but I grabbed him.
“Could we just stay like this..? I don’t know If I’m ready for it to end.”
“Of course. But, sweet boy, you are mine. Now and forever, it is never going to end. I may not be here every time you awaken or every time you sleep, but I meant what I said in my vows,” his hand brushed some of my hair from sticking to my face, “Till death do us part, and I don’t even think I will leave you then. I would break every law of the universe to stay with you.”
I smiled sweetly at him and pressed a kiss to his nose.
It should have been obvious to me. He would always stay here with me, even just in spirit. After all, I was his husband.
Please consider liking, reblogging, or commenting on the fic if you are on the taglist. Otherwise, you are essentially asking me to take an extra step to include you while offering me absolutely NOTHING in exchange, which is a pretty shitty feeling. (thank you to the amazing pom over at @/imagining-in-the-margins for letting me steal this bit from her)
Relationship: Sugar Daddy! Spencer Reid x GN!AFAB! Reader
Warnings: Mentions/Fears of Death, Thigh Riding, Mentions of Casework, Penetrative Sex
A/N: When I wrote this chapter, I was struggling with not only continuing to write but also if writing a GN reader was for me. Oftentimes I would just find myself making Bee more NB than GN and then othertimes, I felt like people would only read this and get the feeling like Bee is a girl. In reality, I write Bee as someone who just exists and that’s cool. You can see them however you want :]
“Idiot!” Y/N hissed at Spencer. They were livid. Y/N’s face was bright red and their hands were balled into fists at their side. “Do you know what I thought when I got the call from you and then you just stopped responding to the paramedics? I thought you were dead!”
Spencer sighed, raising a hand to press against Y/N’s cheek. They leaned into his palm. “I’m sorry,” Spencer said softly.
Y/N’s hand pressed against his. “I know you are. It’s not your fault. You just gotta be a hero, huh?”
Spencer nodded with a soft smile on his lips. Y/N’s rolled their eyes and flicked Spencer’s forehead; Spencer fake winced. “Well, next time don’t end up with bruised ribs, burns and ear damage, okay? My face is too pretty to be marred by stress from worrying about you!”
“You forgot a concussion.” Y/N glared at him like hellfire. “Alright, alright. I’ll be more careful. Now, I would really like a kiss, please.”
They pouted at him and shifted closer till Spencer could press a kiss against their lips. Spencer’s hands trailed down their shoulders to wrap tightly around their waist. Y/N sighed into the kiss as Spencer pulled them into his lap.
The two were now at Spencer’s apartment, with Spencer sitting on his bed while Y/N stood between his thighs. Y/N had shown up as fast as they could after work.
“Spencer,” Y/N sighed contentedly as his lips pressed warm kisses to the column of their throat, “You’re hurt.”
“I don’t care,” Spencer stated while dancing his fingers under Y/N’s shirt to pull it over their head. Spencer noticed something as his hands trail down their form; yes, he had spotted the scar before, but he hadn’t realized how obvious it was. He didn’t pay any attention to it, there was no reason to ask and make them feel uncomfortable.
Y/N’s eyes fluttered to a close as they gave in to the brush of Spencer’s lips against their neck and his hands palming down their thighs. Their fingers laced into his hair before they huffed out a sigh, pulling away. “You’re hurt,” they mumble.
Spencer hummed. He buried his head into the crook of Y/N’s neck, “I want to be close to you, pain is manageable.”
“Are you sure?”
“Of course, pleasure is commonly known to cancel out pain.”
Y/N cheekily smiled at him. “Let’s get rid of your pain then, yeah?”
Spencer pulled them from their feet, not into his lap, but onto his thigh. He placed a kiss to their lips: deep, but gentle and soft.
Someone, not privy to what their relationship was, might have called it a loving kiss.
Y/N broke from the kiss to press their lips against Spencer’s neck. Licking and sucking, they nibbled against his jaw. As if they could try to make Spencer ignore the way their legs and hips slowly shifted on his thigh.
His hands stoked through Y/N’s hair before tapping on the upside of their thigh, “What are you doing?”
They pulled away to look at him and Spencer smiled as he watched them internally panic. “I- I’m just kissing you.”
“Are you sure?” his fingers moved up their thigh as if they were walking. Y/N quickly nodded, eliciting Spencer to laugh. “If you want to ride my thigh, you just have to ask.”
Y/N swallowed before looking up at Spencer through their lashes. His breath caught in his throat at how doe eyed and innocent they looked.
“May I please ride your thigh, daddy?”
Spencer smiled sweetly at them, lust running through his veins like burning lava, “Of course, I just have one little question first. Okay, angel?” Y/N nodded and Spencer continued. “I was wondering how you’d feel about being called something gendered, like, princess?”
When Y/N tensed and Spencer knew he’d asked the wrong question.
“Shit. I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable. It wasn’t my intention, I-”
“Spencer,” Y/N interrupted all sugary and soft, cutting him off as they gently placed their hands on his cheeks, “I freeze when I think, sometimes. It’s okay, take a deep breath for me?”
He nodded and followed Y/N in a few exaggerated breaths. “You were in a traumatizing event, it’s okay if you need some time. Tell me, what do you need?”
“Actually, other people have been in worse situations. I have been in worse situations. Really, I’m fine.”
“SSA Doctor Spencer Reid, look at me.” Y/N’s voice was on the verge of frustration as they lightly tapped Spencer’s cheeks with the pads of their fingers. “Your hurt is real, don’t brush it off. You’re not fine and that’s okay. On Sunday, you took care of me, no questions asked. Please, let me help you. You can’t be the only one with a hero complex, you know?”
Spencer laughed at that, knowing that there were tears on the edge of his eyes. “First, you didn’t have to use my full title. Second, I do not have a hero complex.”
“If you say so, babe. Now. You still haven’t answered my question.”
“You haven’t answered mine!” Spencer shot back. His hands rested on Y/N’s waist and rubbed circles into their skin.
“Ok. No, I would not mind being called princess. That’s it though. Anything else gendered would make me uncomfy.” Y/N’s pinkies ran underneath Spencer’s jawline and their thumbs traced the curve of his cheek. Their hands were only a little cold, but still left Spencer’s face and cheeks warm.
“Plenty of people like to be called princess. One of my guy friends told me that they used to like being called princess. It doesn’t feel like being misgendered, despite its feminine suffix,” Y/N continued. “Thank you for asking me if I would be comfortable, it means a lot.”
Spencer leaned back, using his grip on Y/N’s waist to pull them with him. They both flopped on the bed with Y/N’s head moving to lay on his chest. His hands and arms wrapped tighter around their waist. “This. I need this.”
Y/N rolled off of Spencer. He watched as they kicked off their shoes and shucked off their pants onto the floor. Instead of moving back to their place on Spencer’s chest, they moved to the top of the bed and slid under the cover.
They tapped their hands on the space beside them and Spencer wasted no time clambering next to Y/N. They pulled at each other till they were chest to chest and their noses were brushing.
Spencer pushed forward, his hands moving to their hair as he kissed them. Y/N hummed into the kiss as they tried to move closer, hands inching along to glide across Spencer’s back and sides. It was not frantic, like it was before - if that could even be called frantic - but it was different. It was softer and something intangible had shifted, but not changed. No. Everything was still the same.
Somehow, Spencer found himself wishing something had changed. That the murmurs of words that he pressed into Y/N were more than just a sound, frequency or vibration. His hands were pulling off Y/N’s pants and he was wondering if it would be easier to end the two of them right now or let himself succumb to an emotion that was notwelcomed,despite how much he wanted it to be, and get hurt in the long run.
He made his decision by pulling Y/N impossibly closer with his hands. Spencer pressed his thigh up as Y/N ground down on it, their hips shifting as they chased their pleasure. He nuzzled his head into the place where their shoulder met their neck, he nipped and kissed at the skin there, listening to the sounds flowing from Y/N’s lips.
Spencer sucked at the base of their neck while Y/N rode his thigh faster. Their breathing was harsher and Spencer could tell they were on the verge of release.
“Look at you, you’re being so good for daddy right now.”
Thus, with his praising words, Y/N’s eyes fell shut and their mouth opened in a soundless moan as they came, hips stilling on Spencer’s leg. Spencer then used his leg to pry their thighs open enough to slide his hand into the front of their underwear, using two fingers between their folds to gather some of their wetness. He brought the fingers to his mouth and sucked on them, muttering softly, “Delicious.”
Y/N watched him with parted lips and hazy eyes. Spencer pressed a quick kiss to the tip of Y/N’s nose and then their lips, before shifting the two of them so that his back was against the wall and Y/N’s legs were on either side of him. He pushed his hands from the side of Y/N’s leg by their knee all the way to their hips to pull down their underwear.
“Not fair,” Y/N pouted while messing with the buttons on Spencer’s shirt. “I’m all naked and you’re completely dressed.”
He hummed offhandedly, “Do you want to undress me?”
Y/N nodded, “Yes please, daddy.”
“Okay baby, go ahead.”
Y/N’s fingers nimbly unbuttoned his shirt to place their hands on his chest, then pushed his shirt off of his shoulders. He did the rest by pulling it off his arms and tossing it to the side; Y/N used that time to pull down his pants, not all the way though, they both now had the urgency to get back to being close together.
Y/N ground softly onto Spencer’s dick as he ran the head of it through their folds, gathering the wetness that had accumulated there. Y/N’s arms wrapped around his neck to hold his hair as Spencer slowly buried himself into Y/N. Their chests were pressed together, bringing them closer, both physically and emotionally.
It felt so good to be cared for, Spencer noted. Even if the person caring for you didn’t feel the same way. For Spencer, being with Y/N was enough: holding them, kissing them, taking them on lavish dates. That reminded him, he should take them somewhere tonight if it was not too late, of course. It was only a fleeting thought, before he didn’t really think anymore.
If he did think, beyond praises for Y/N, it would be a choir and echo of ‘I think love you.’
“So good for me, princess,” he breathed out as his pace picked up, Spencer’s hands practically slamming Y/N down onto him. ‘I love you, I love you, I love you. I kind of wish I didn’t, it would be so much easier to not.’
Spencer couldn’t bear to hear Y/N’s voice, not when a fake version of it in his mind was saying that they loved him too. So, he took two of his fingers and tapped them against Y/N’s lips.
“Suck,” Spencer ordered, groaning when they opened their mouth to do so greedily.
Spencer’s index and middle fingers drew in and out of their mouth while the others wrapped around the hollow of their cheek and their chin. It was much easier to make the sight of Y/N so erotic than to let this, whatever this was, be an almost romantic memory.
He pulled his fingers from their mouth to rub their clit, not stopping his almost, if not only mentally, loving pace. They weren’t fucking, but they weren’t making love either, it was a mix between the two that Spencer liked more than he’d ever admit.
Y/N was looking at him with such glistening eyes and he felt his heart flutter. Spencer’s only intent was to make them feel good, so he thrusted up into Y/N a little bit faster, while bringing their hips down a little harsher.
Y/N couldn’t help but release a few moans, throwing their head back as their pleasure grew unbearably strongly.
“Come for me, baby.”
Y/N’s body obeyed and came a few seconds before Spencer did, but he ignored his own pleasure to the best of his ability to help Y/N ride their wave. Their body went limp on Spencer and he pressed a kiss near their hairline. Y/N came back to life with an airy and carefree giggle; it was so sweet that Spencer almost forgot his woes.
“Mmm,” Y/N hummed as their cheek pressed against Spencer’s shoulder, “I forgot it could be like that.”
Spencer crooked his neck the best he could to look at them. “Like what?”
They shrugged flippantly; Spencer could tell that there was something they were not saying, but let it slide. After all, he wouldn’t want them to question him about anything.
“Hey,” Spencer said softly after a few minutes of cuddling like they were, him still buried inside of Y/N. “Let’s go out to eat.”
Y/N pulled back to look at him with a confused expression. “It’s too late to get a reservation and I’m not in the mood for fast food or delivery.”
“I know someone who can get us a reservation at say…” Spencer paused to look at his bedside clock; it was currently six fifty-six, “… Ten?”
“That’s enough time for me to get home and get all dolled up,” Y/N noted.
Spencer nodded, “Enough time for me to call in my favor and get us our reservation, too.”
Y/N smiled widely, “I should move and clean up then.”
He shook his head. Spencer would never make someone clean themselves up after sex, it was in the general moral conduct not to! “Please,” he whispered, placing a soft kiss on Y/N’s forehead, “Let me.”
“Anything for you,” Y/N sighed dramatically.
ណ
“Hey, Pen.” Spencer said as the phone picked up.
“Hello, hello, my love. To what do I owe this call from my favorite G-Man?” Garcia replied, as bubbly as ever.
“I’d like to cash in a favor, if possible.”
“Honey, I’m a miracle worker. With me, anything is possible. Now, spit it out! Full story or whatever you want is no bueno.”
Spencer sighed into the phone receiver. “I told you about the person I’m in a relationship with, right? Well, I’m taking them to dinner tonight and was wondering if you could hack into a restaurant and out my last name down for a reservation at ten?”
“Pshhh, easy peasy lemon squeezy, babe. First. I want every detail. Momma doesn’t work for free, you know?” Penelope knew how to get her way and Spencer could never lie to someone who had worked around profilers. She wasn’t a trained one, but needed a good eye on the computers to decide if a guy fit the profile or not.
His free hand moved around his shirts in his wardrobe to find the right one. “They happen to be the first responder I called on Tuesday. That doesn’t matter though, they’re more than some random person that texted me or someone that I’ve gone on a few dates with. I’m in love with them and it’s fucking scary.”
Penelope hummed on the line, “Tell them how you feel, it’ll hurt you if you get rejected, but in the long run…”
“No!” he interrupted, “I can’t. I don’t care that it hurts me that Y/N could never feel the same way, I want to make us last, so that I can love them longer.”
“It seems as though I can’t help you with advice then. I can get you your reservation, though.”
“Thanks Garcia, I’ll see you at work tomorrow.”
ណ
Y/N decided that they wanted to drive themself to the restaurant and back, instead of Spencer picking them up and dropping them off. That was fine with Spencer because he was planning on using the metro anyway.
Except for that when he was just about to enter the subway he paused and turned around. Guess his subconscious wanted him to drive, then.
Spencer showed up first, having already left for the subway early just in case. Luckily his hacked reservation went through and he was able to get seated, hassle free. When the hostess tried to seat him at a table where Y/N would be across from him, he politely asked to be seated at a booth, which led him to be met with a raised eyebrow and a ‘Follow me, then, sir.’
After that he could do nothing but wait till Y/N were to show up. He took that time to scan over the menu, two times - if two was the equivalent of thirty, of course.
Eventually, Y/N was being led by the hostess to the table, who then said that the waiter would be there soon.
“Hey, hey,” Y/N grinned while sliding in next to Spencer. Their hands quickly laced together as Spencer took a moment to admire what they were wearing. Their hair was styled perfectly and they were dressed to the nines. The light glinting off of their nails showed that they had put on shiny clear nail polish with the pinkies being a dark, wine red that matched their outfit.
“Red looks nice on you,” he mused in lieu of a greeting.
Y/N grinned at him with a soft ‘thank you’ before looking at their menu. They glanced through it, tongue between their lips as they decided. Spencer was waiting for them to choose what they wanted to eat before picking the wine, that way it would fit with whatever they both decided on.
When the waiter came over, Spencer asked Y/N what they were having. Their dish paired best with a white wine, which was lucky considering that was what Spencer’s also best paired with.
Just as the two were getting ready to place their main dishes, Spencer’s work phone rang in his pocket. He pulled it out and was rewarded with a call from Emily, likely about an emergency case or so. The phone was brought to his ear and he listened to Emily, shooting a look to Y/N that screamed “sorry.”
Y/N deflated as Spencer pulled the phone away. “Guess we’ll have to postpone?”
Spencer nodded, “I’m so sorry, you can still stay here and eat, I—”
“No! Only sad weirdos have their dates leave them and then eat alone,” Y/N pouts, arms crossing their chest. “We’ll both leave at the same time, make it look like it was our idea?”
His brows furrowed, “Our idea?” Y/N moved closer to Spencer and slid their legs over Spencer’s lap, their hands traveled across his chest and shoulders. “Oh,” Spencer breathed.
Their lips connected in a hasty kiss that was not entirely for show. Spencer chuckled, “You’re insatiable!”
Spencer and Y/N walked out of the restraint with Spencer’s arm curled around Y/N’s waist, pulling them close. The two ignored the baffled states of the staff.
They parted for their own vehicles with a kiss, Spencer opting to drive to Quantico.
Emily had briefly talked about the case. Six victims, evolving MO, with nothing but victim and crime scene profiling for evidence.
Apparently, the only reason they weren’t connected beforehand was the different victims. One would be a pair of women, differing ages, both white. While the next pair would be a non-binary individual and a man, different in both race and age.
The only thing making them done by the same unsub was the single black feather left behind by the perp.
It was, to say the least, peculiar.
Even more so once there was digging done behind the pairs.
To Spencer, this all seemed too familiar.
—————
[check my request guidelines to send in blurb requests]
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Pairing:Spencer Reid x fem!Reader Summary:After finally opening up to your therapist about why you haven’t had sex in so long, he suggests a few new exercises to help you face your fears. Category:SMUT (18+) Content:Themes and discussions of sexual trauma surrounding a painful sexual encounter, power dynamics, masturbation, dubious consent, voyeurism (unbeknownst to reader), Spencer is a perv. Word Count: 3.1k
NOTE:I feel like I haven’t posted anything in ages and I was getting really anxious about it for some reason, so I decided to cut this oneshot into two parts so that I could get something out. Plus, I know a lot of you have been pretty excited about it, so it seemed like a win! I’m not sure when Part 2 will be out, but I’ve been working on it in bits and pieces, so I hope you’ll stick around for it!
———
Waiting for Doctor Reid to show up is like waiting for Christmas Day.
Only, rather than being nine years old and excited to spend the morning opening up gifts, you find yourself on the other side of things. It’s very much like you’re the parent who knows what’s going to happen, spending every second dreading the inevitable moment where your child wakes you up at the ass-crack of dawn, when really, you’d rather be sleeping.
Your hands twiddle nervously in your lap as you wait in his office, that fateful conversation from last week’s session replaying on a loop in your brain.
Pairing:Spencer Reid x fem!Reader Summary:After finally opening up to your therapist about why you haven’t had sex in so long, he suggests a few new exercises to help you face your fears. Category:SMUT (18+) Content:Themes and discussions of sexual trauma surrounding a painful sexual encounter, power dynamics, masturbation, dubious consent, voyeurism (unbeknownst to reader), Spencer is a perv. Word Count: 3.1k
NOTE:I feel like I haven’t posted anything in ages and I was getting really anxious about it for some reason, so I decided to cut this oneshot into two parts so that I could get something out. Plus, I know a lot of you have been pretty excited about it, so it seemed like a win! I’m not sure when Part 2 will be out, but I’ve been working on it in bits and pieces, so I hope you’ll stick around for it!
———
Waiting for Doctor Reid to show up is like waiting for Christmas Day.
Only, rather than being nine years old and excited to spend the morning opening up gifts, you find yourself on the other side of things. It’s very much like you’re the parent who knows what’s going to happen, spending every second dreading the inevitable moment where your child wakes you up at the ass-crack of dawn, when really, you’d rather be sleeping.
Your hands twiddle nervously in your lap as you wait in his office, that fateful conversation from last week’s session replaying on a loop in your brain.
Pairing:Spencer Reid x fem!Reader Summary:After finally opening up to your therapist about why you haven’t had sex in so long, he suggests a few new exercises to help you face your fears. Category:SMUT (18+) Content:Themes and discussions of sexual trauma surrounding a painful sexual encounter, power dynamics, masturbation, dubious consent, voyeurism (unbeknownst to reader), Spencer is a perv. Word Count: 3.1k
NOTE:I feel like I haven’t posted anything in ages and I was getting really anxious about it for some reason, so I decided to cut this oneshot into two parts so that I could get something out. Plus, I know a lot of you have been pretty excited about it, so it seemed like a win! I’m not sure when Part 2 will be out, but I’ve been working on it in bits and pieces, so I hope you’ll stick around for it!
———
Waiting for Doctor Reid to show up is like waiting for Christmas Day.
Only, rather than being nine years old and excited to spend the morning opening up gifts, you find yourself on the other side of things. It’s very much like you’re the parent who knows what’s going to happen, spending every second dreading the inevitable moment where your child wakes you up at the ass-crack of dawn, when really, you’d rather be sleeping.
Your hands twiddle nervously in your lap as you wait in his office, that fateful conversation from last week’s session replaying on a loop in your brain.
“And what about your sexual relationships?”
You froze like a deer in headlights, unwilling to budge no matter how loud his horn was. Even as he asked again, your name a gentle coax on the surface of his tongue, you remained perfectly still.
“Did I… strike a nerve?” he asked.
“U—Um… I…”
“It’s important that you’re up-front about these things with me, Y/N… Of course it’s fine if you don’t feel like telling me everything right away. But if there’s something wrong, I’d like to know. That way we can at least find somewhere to start. Does that sound okay?”
“Um… Y—Yeah, I guess so…”
He asked again, and you found it extremely difficult to look him in the eye.
Or… to look at him in general.
You knew eventually you’d have to talk about your sex life, but in all honesty it was shoved deep into the back of your mind during the other sessions— You know, when you were laser-focused on literally anything else while trying not to think about how attractive you found your therapist and how fucked up that was.
Doctor Reid always made sure to speak slow and concisely, which, when combined with its smooth tone and the way he looked at you with his pensive, hypnotizing eyes, was fucking deadly. And you weren’t even going to mention his hands— the way they glided beautifully across the notepad he wrote in, or how they flexed and tapped on his knee or on his chin.
He was distracting from the get-go, which was dangerous. But now, on the topic of your sex life?
You couldn’t dare to look in his general direction.
So, with your eyes glued on your lap, you mindlessly counted the number of tiny flowers printed on your skirt and answered the best you could.
“I don’t… I don’t have frequent sexual relationships.”
You wondered if he would ask you to speak up, but he didn’t. Instead, he asked, “How frequent would you say they are?”
“Um… Well… I only ha—ad sex once.”
“Are you… embarrassed about that?”
“No.”
He paused. “That’s good. There’s no reason to be.” And after you didn’t say anything in response, he continued. “How long ago was the encounter?”
You hesitated a little longer, but he didn’t push it. Eventually, intimidated by the silence, you sighed and quickly blurted, “About a year ago.”
There was another pause, and you assumed he was writing something down. But then he asked, “And how did you find your experience?”
“I—I’m sorry?”
He cleared his throat. “Did you enjoy yourself?”
“I… I don’t… Why is that relevant?”
“You’re coming to me once a week for counselling because you said you’ve found yourself shying away from other people, where a year ago you were a normal adult with normal interests in socializing and being around others. Correct?”
“Yes…”
“Every session so far, we’ve gone through your upbringing, your family life, school, friends, your first jobs… All up until now. Everything is perfectly fine, and yet we still can’t seem to figure out why you’ve strayed from your habits. The only topic we haven’t discussed is your sexual and romantic relationships.”
You stayed silent, the flower pattern on your skirt suddenly becoming more like a dizzying optical illusion by the second.
Doctor Reid continued. “And judging your body language, I see that you haven’t looked me in the eye once since I brought up sex. My guess is that something happened during your first time that—”
“Look, honestly I don’t think that’s relevant to my situation, I haven’t had sex since then because I don’t want to, it has nothing to do with this.”
“It’s okay if it does,” Doctor Reid encouraged. He was gentle, and if you didn’t know any better, you would have thought he was amused. “That’s what I’m here for.”
You glanced up at him briefly, seeing a soft smile lighting the air between you. It filters some of the embarrassment you’re feeling, and with a sigh, you adjust in the chair and look off to the side.
“No. I didn’t enjoy myself.”
“Okay. We’re getting somewhere, that’s good. Do… you want to tell me why you didn’t enjoy yourself?”
You blinked, feeling your chest tighten and your stomach churn at the memory. “It’s stupid.”
“Y/N, I promise you it isn’t… We don’t have to discuss it now if you don’t want to, but it’s not stupid.”
Thankfully he let you mull it over in the silence for a while, giving you time to gather your emotions and thoughts. And still, without looking directly at him, you began to open up.
“He hurt me… I—It wasn’t… bad or anything, like he didn’t do anything I didn’t want to… I just… I—It hurt. Really bad. Like, I don’t think I’d ever felt that kind of pain before.”
“Did he, um… Go too hard? Do you think maybe that’s why it hurt you?”
You let out the loudest breath of air, embarrassment and exasperation filling your lungs with every breath you took. “Yeah, that was part of it, but like… He was also kinda big, and it didn’t feel good going in at all… And I know it’s supposed to not feel greatat first, and I thought it would get better, but… I—It just got worse, and worse, and I felt like I was getting torn apart from the inside out, I…”
Tears were steadily streaming down your face now, your throat incredibly tight and ears pounding as you tried to find the strength to say your words.
“I… I never want to do that again.”
A box of tissues was dropped into your lap after you’d gathered yourself a bit, and you mumbled a small ‘thank you’ as you wiped your face. Doctor Reid was more than glad to let you take your time, and you were thankful.
It was also great to know that it didn’t seem like he was embarrassed for you or ready to laugh. In fact, his tone was as smooth as ever, and incredibly warm as he spoke.
“Do you think that experience had an effect on the way you socialize somehow?”
“I… Maybe. Sure, I mean… I’m at that age where the people I hang out with all want to hook up, and if we’re not trying to go home with someone, then we’re not having a good time. It’s… It’s a lot of pressure, especially when I think about the fact that people like sex… I mean, like… That was awful, and people act like it’s the end-all-be-all to enjoyment, I… I don’t know…”
“Sure… You had a bad experience, and it’s normal to retreat after experiencing that kind of pain… But it wasonly one time. You never know, maybe your partner just wasn’t the right partner for you.”
You shook your head intently. “No. No, that’s not… No.”
There was a decent pause before Doctor Reid spoke again. “I want to ask you something… And this might be a bit personal, so I’m sorry if I push any boundaries…”
He waited for you to object, but you didn’t, silently giving him the go-ahead.
“Have you ever masturbated before?”
Dear God, you wanted to throw up. “What?”
“Well, before you had sex… Did you ever… Explore what you like on your own?”
“Um… Y—Yeah, I guess so…”
“You guess so?”
You sighed. “Yes.”
“Okay… In your exploration, did you ever try anything penetrative?”
“Do I actually have to answer that?”
“Of course you don’t. If you’re uncomfortable we can move on, but… I really do think this is going to help… Trust me.”
You sighed again, looking at his face once more to see him as he always was— sincere and pensive and understanding. And then you continued.
“No… I’ve… only ever done clitoral stimulation.”
“And what about after your sexual encounter? Have you masturbated since then?”
You paused. “No.”
And then he paused. And you were pretty sure you knew exactly what he was going to tell you.
Sure enough, he said, “Before I see you next week, I want you to try masturbating again. Maybe watch some porn or read some erotica… Whatever you think will get you more comfortable with your body and your sexuality… And we’ll see where you end up.”
“Do you reallythink this is going to help me get over my… fear of sex, or whatever this is?”
He smiled softly at you, and despite the bad relationship you’ve been having with sex, it brought a low simmer to the pit of your stomach. “It’s a good start.”
It’s a good start…
“It’s a good start,” you whispered when you got home that night, right before getting under the covers and turning to the collection of porn you’d had saved over a year ago.
It worked, too.
You’d expected it to take way longer than a week to get back any sliver of libido. And it was definitely hard at first, but by the time your next session with Doctor Reid came around, you’d been masturbating regularly every day.
Though, it seems his instruction may have worked a little toowell.
Once you were comfortable with your own body again, you couldn’t stop the images of his face as they danced in beautiful flashes behind your eyelids. Scenarios were acted out in your dreams, his presence melding with yours and replacing those you’d watched and read, and it created a new sense of nervousness once you realized that you’d have to see him again in a few days…
And now that you’re here, only seconds away from the moment he’d walk through the door, your stomach twists and your heart leaps.
You almost think maybe running out the door is a good option, but then he’s waltzing through it with that seasoned swiftness that only adds to his charm and makes you even more intimidated by him.
“Good afternoon, Y/N,” he greets with a warm smile, taking the seat in front of you.
“Hi, Doctor.”
“How was your week?”
After a pause, you clear your throat, obviously not very good at hiding anything. “Fine.”
“Just fine?”
“Yep.”
He only waits for you to continue. You hate when he does that…
Because it works, getting you to talk every damn time. “Still not inclined to do anything out of my normal social routine, but I’m… better.”
“How so?”
Feeling his gaze on you makes your heart lurch. “Um… I’m more… comfortable… with my body, I guess…”
“So you took my suggestion, then?”
You can only muster a nod, words dying in the back of your throat and evaporating into nothing.
“You still seem… shy.”
“Well, I’m talking to my therapist about my masturbation habits…”
Thankfully he seems to understand, nodding with a small laugh that aims to lighten the mood and make you more comfortable around the whole situation. After all, it is only the start of your session this week, and a whole hour and a half of awkwardness wouldn’t suffice.
Even still, what he says next doesn’t ease your mind much at all.
“Do you mind elaborating a little?”
“I don’t know how much more elaboration you need,” you half-scoff, clearly defensive over your privacy— And with every right to be so, considering most of your thoughts had been about him.
“Well, let’s start with how frequent you’ve been with it.”
That you could do. “Um… about every day for the past week?” And right before I left the house…
“Good. How many times a day?”
“Once.”Twice, sometimes three…
“Okay…” He writes things down, and then pauses before asking his next question. “Have you tried any new techniques?”
“I’m sorry?”
“I mean other than clitoral stimulation.”
“No. I—I thought this was just supposed to be a start—”
“Oh! It was. I didn’t mean to frighten you, I’m sorry. I don’t expect you to be ready to have sex or anything right away— You should always be allowed to go at your own pace, I hope you understand that.”
“Right…” There’s an awkward pause, but you want things to keep moving, so just to keep him talking, you continue, “So, um… What’s the next step then?”
By the look in his eyes, you realize it was probably the wrong question—and way—to ask. Even after just explaining that you could go at your own pace, the way you spoke to him could have easily been interpreted as a newfound confidence to push forward. In your case, had it been real, it would have been falseconfidence.
But even still, a dim light bulb still shines.
“We’re going to make sure you’ve actually been doing your homework. Come with me.”
———
There’s just something about you that Spencer can’t seem to understand. It’s something beautiful and alluring, and more than anything it’s incredibly wrong. Because he surely shouldn’t be taking you to a separate room in the building where they interview mental patients while others watch from behind one-way glass and take notes.
But here he is anyway, leading you into the room and trying desperately not to kiss or touch you…
“W—What do you want me to do, exactly?” you ask in that timid way of yours. It’s almost innocent, like you truly don’t understand why he’s brought you here rather than confirming your suspicions, and somehow that only makes him want you more.
“I want you to masturbate. This room is soundproof, it’s camera-free… Whatever you do in here will be completely private.”
“Why? I—Isn’t this like… This… I…”
Spencer reaches out and touches your shoulder, and when you look at him like a lost animal, he nearly crumbles to dust. “Look… It’s more than okay if you don’t want to, I understand… But I really do think this will help you. You’re completely safe here, I want you to know that.”
He’s speaking to you in that slow, collected way that always gets you to open up to him, and when you finally nod and agree to do his little assignment, he smiles, though his stomach inside is doing flips and he’s shooting off celebratory fireworks in his brain.
“What do I do when I’m done?” you ask.
He reaches into his pocket and gives you a pager. “You can page me with this. I’ll be in my office, so by the time I get to you, you should have enough time to get yourself situated. Is that okay?”
“You’re… Leaving me alone?”
The question almost knocks the wind out of him. To play it off though, he laughs a little. “What, you want me to watch?”
“That’s not what I meant! I… I just mean… Anyone could…”
“Like I said, this room is completely safe and soundproof. I’ve booked it for your session today, so no one is coming in to use it. There is a room right next door if you’d prefer I stay closer though, just in case.”
“Y—Yes, please…”
Spencer smiles and sets the pager on the other side of the room, on a small table in the corner. “Okay. Page me when you’re done, and I’ll give you a few minutes to collect yourself. Okay?”
“Okay,” you give with a nod and a small smile. Your nerves have calmed, and maybe this helps Spencer feel better about what he’s about to do, but in spite of his ulterior motives, he’s truly glad you’re making progress.
He leaves and shuts the door, locking it and making quick work of sliding into the small door next to it. After locking that one as well, he switches on the light and settles in, seeing that you’ve only just sat down on the small couch in the middle of the room.
You both lean back at about the same time, you into the couch cushions and Spencer in the spinning desk chair. It doesn’t take but a single movement of your hand down to the button of your jeans to make him hard, and now he’s determined to make you feel the same way about him that he does you.
It’s set in stone the moment you slide the denim down your legs and spread them wide, right in front of him. He watches as you take a deep breath and rub yourself through your panties, little pieces of your hesitation crumbling away by the second, and he just knows he’s going to fuck you properly.
When, he doesn’t know. But it will happen, that much he’s sure of.
In the meantime, he settles for fantasy. Spencer opens up his own pants and just loosens them enough to get his dick out, and all the while his eyes are trained solely on you.
He doesn’t start moving his hand until you slide your panties down as well, fluttering your eyes closed the moment your finger makes contact with your bare clit. In that moment, Spencer is glad for the soundproofing, because if you’d actually heard the way he groaned out just then, he would have been doomed. He spits on his hand and starts to glide it softly over himself, matching the speed of your own as it languidly explores your body.
All he can think about is how beautiful you are… He should be thinking about how wrong this is, or how you probably don’t feel the same attraction to him that he so obviously feels about you, and doing this is only making his crush worse…
Butdamn it, you’re just so captivating, he can’t stop.
And he doesn’t.
No, Spencer doesn’t even give a second thought to sighing out your name and imagining you in front of him—closer than you are now—with your head tilted up and your pretty eyes batting up at him while he fucks your throat. He mindlessly whispers praises in between low whines as his speed and pressure increases, and he’s so close to coming.
He can hold out, though. He can wait for you. In fact, he wants to wait for you. He wants to watch you come undone before he even thinks about getting there himself.
But of course, as they say, you don’t always get what you want.
It’s not like it’s his fault, though. You’re the one who’s losing yourself in a fantasy, using his name on your lips as a plea to aid you in the most intimate form of pleasure…
“Doctor Reid,” he can hear you whine as you squirm and bring yourself closer to bliss.
He can’t help it, then. His name falling off your tongue sets off the explosion that ripples through his insides. His hand falters, and he releases the most pathetic sound he’s ever made at the mercy of a sexual partner, right as he comes all over his hand. You’re calling his name again, in broken chants getting higher and higher in pitch until you’re incoherent, and he’s just a sticky, flustered mess.
He sits there and watches you reach your climax, still gently stroking his cock with a lip between his teeth. Your eyes squeeze shut and your mouth hangs open, and your legs, while still wide, are wavering and tensing. His eyes travel down to your hand as it aids you in pleasure, and he wishes more than anything that it was his.
In fact, the thought gives him an idea for your next session…
Your eyes open and immediately fall on Spencer’s sleeping form. His left hand holds onto yours tightly. The shining silver ring on his ring finger pulls your eyes towards it. You placed it there last night, in front of your family and friends while you vowed to love each other through the good and the bad.
Spencer Reid is your husband. It still seems so surreal. A smile breaks out and you’re about to laugh out loud from the happiness you feel inside. Luckily, you have some restraint left and are able to stop yourself so you don’t wake Spencer.
Spencer’s hair is so messy and yours, no doubt, looks like a bird nest. You’ve woken up next to each other numerous times, but this morning it’s different. You’re husband and wife.
Your right hand is itching to touch the man you love. Itching to follow the sharp line of his jawline before nestling itself behind his neck to pull him in for a kiss he won’t forget.
Before you get swept up in the feeling, Spencer opens his eyes slowly.
A lazy smile paints his lips as his eyes fall on your hands, holding each other tightly and his wedding ring shining in the ray of sunlight. He turns your left hand so he can look at the ring that’s adoring your finger. A tiny kiss finds its way onto your ring before he moves his eyes to meet yours and whispers: “Good morning, my wife.”
A giddy giggle leaves your lips while you answer him: “Good morning, my husband.”
You didn’t know it was possible, but the smile on his lips gets even bigger.
“It’ll take time to get used to hear that, but it feels so right,” he says while he pulls you closer.
His right arm winds itself around your waist while his left hand caresses your cheek before pulling you into a passionate kiss.
“So. Damn. Right,” you answer him between pecks.
Spencer repositions himself on his back and like a magnet you’re pulled into his side and you rest your head on his chest. His arms circle themselves around you and he holds you tight.
Summary: Milburn Correctional Facility is a tough place to find hope in. But when Spencer Reid stumbles upon a GED class, led by a teacher with kind words and a smile that breaks through the dark, he thinks it might not be so hopeless after all. Spencer Reid x Reader. Set in Season 12. Prison!Reid
Content Warnings for discussion of prison/incarceration, correctional conditions, abuse, etc. Note that this story will feature a lot of real-life prison things. Reid and other characters may at times speak in a derogatory or judgmental manner regarding incarcerated folks, but those statements do notreflect my personal views (xoxo, your friendly neighborhood abolitionist fanfic writer).
STORY
Part I: In which Spencer Reid stumbles upon a GED class at Milburn and feels something like hope for the first time in weeks.
Part II:In which the Reader tries not to lecture Spencer before the lecture, and Spencer gets a nickname.
Part III:In which Spencer gets a visitor and the Reader’s kindness is repaid with a surprise connection.
Part IV: In which Spencer finds sugar bittersweet, and the Reader finds the same sentiment in her work when a student is hurt.
Part V:In which nothing is beautiful and everything hurts.
Part VI:In which Reid and the Reader both find themselves at the center of problems they just can’t fix… and the stakes are higher than ever.
Part VII: In which Reid finds himself in solitary confinement, and the Reader is simply trying to find him.
Part VIII:In which being free is harder than Reid expected and the Reader has an unexpected reunion.
Part IX:In which Reid realizes he might not be the only one falling, and the Reader has an important question to answer.
Part X: ✨✨ In which some statements are only true for so long, and Reid and the Reader get closer and… closer.
Part XI:In which Reid and the Reader finally say what needs to be said, and the Reader finds she has something in common with the BAU. aka, The End.
Epilogue: In which Spencer invites the Reader to make a move and the Reader starts a new chapter.
A little reminder that if you want some prison!Reid reading but with a twist, I’ve got 11 chapters (plus an epilogue) all ready and waiting for your enjoyment!
Requested: Dialogue prompts #12, 58, and 92: “Did you enjoy yourself last night?” “I didn’t realize I needed your permission.” “This relationship used to be all about communication! Whatever happened to that?”
For months it had been him on her mind. Only him.
As a member of the Crisis Negotiation team, their paths crossed in the office from time to time. After working the BAU for two weeks on a high-stakes case involving a cult, they’d bonded over their mutual love of books and old movies. There was so much they had in common, and soon enough they’d become fast friends. The tricky part was pinpointing the moment it had become more than that.
After a rough day at work, when the hostages her team had been trying to negotiate the release of were killed, Reid was the first person she called. He came over to her apartment to comfort her, and after she’d had three glasses of wine, the lines of friendship and deeper feelings were a lot blurrier.
She’d kissed him. He’d kissed back.
The next morning, they decided to keep things professional. Strictly friends – occasionally with benefits. And for a while, that worked. To an extent. In those relationships, someone inevitably wanted more. Knowing that he would never risk his job, she told him she couldn’t keep doing it. That it was too confusing, and if they were going to be friends, they needed to be just friends. No perks. No benefits.
It didn’t put an end to what she felt though. Something she absolutely refuses to admit to him. But weeks have gone by, and it’s time to move on. With his work, it isn’t too hard to avoid him. Nearly every week he is called away to some part of the country to save the world.
Which is why it takes her by surprise to see him waiting outside her office door. She doesn’t have to be a profiler to tell he’s angry.
summary: you knew he’d haunt you with all of the what-ifs. pairing: spencer reid x fem!reader category: angst with ambiguous ending content warnings:17+ only, cheating, arguments, minor language word count:3k a/n: here it is, the final part of this trilogy. it was so interesting for me to write and is a little more different from anything else i’ve worked on before. thanks to the anon for suggesting a trilogy based on these songs, and thanks to everyone who has supported this so far <3
You remember the exact moment your childhood ended. It was a day in middle school when you’d been talking excitedly about when you would find your own Prince Charming. Your teacher looked at you and told you that fairytales weren’t real, that expecting a Prince Charming of your very own was unrealistic. You’d gone home heartbroken that day, wondering why you’d spent so many years of your life hearing about them when all it did was get your hopes up.
When you met Spencer, he made it seem like fairytales could be possible. The moment SSA Gideon exited his classroom and asked you if you’d gotten to meet Dr. Reid, you knew. You knew he’d lied, and you knew that you wanted to see more of him despite it. So you let him show up to your training session on Thursday, you taught him pointers on his weaponry use, and only made it easy on him when he’d admitted the truth. You smiled then, asking if he wanted to get dinner with you sometime.
You thought for sure he understood that was a date, as were all of the dozens of others the two of you went on. And when he asked if you wanted to stay over at his apartment, you thought it was because he loved you. He’d even said those words before. Those three words that were meant to prove you’d found the one you wanted to be with.
So you let yourself fall headfirst for Spencer Reid.
You let yourself fall after every date, and every night spent with him, and all the times you surprised each other with lunch at work.
Traveling back to Seattle was one of the toughest things you’d ever had to do. But this was Drew, who had been your first friend in the FBI. The two of you had gone through the Academy together and had even ended up at the same field office. You’d gone through so much together there was no way you could let him get hurt.
Not when he’d taken on your assignment. The assignment that had gotten you so hurt that you couldn’t be in the field for years, the assignment that busted your cover open so wide that you had to move across the country for safety.
The assignment that had left you bitter for years. Everyone else had gotten to succeed in their jobs, had gotten to truly help people after going through all the hardship of proving themselves for the job. And what did you get? A position at the training academy.
But without any of that, you would have never met Spencer.
Before, you might’ve found that to be a blessing. Instead, now you wondered if it all hadn’t been a curse. Because here you were, still living in Virginia and working at Quantico. You spent your days trying to avoid Spencer, wincing at the mentions of the BAU. You loved your work and loved getting to hear about your trainees doing wonderful things after they left you. Even when you’d heard Seaver landed a role with your ex, you smiled for her and tried not to show how upset you were at the mention of his team.
Because in your toughest moments, he’d screwed you.
Staying in Seattle for that long hadn’t been in your plan. You’d gotten Drew back but the case wasn’t over. When your old team admitted they were struggling to take down the people who’d hurt you so badly, you knew that there would be no returning to your old life. Their faces would haunt your dreams until you took them down for good, so you’d called Spencer and told him you were staying another couple of weeks. And when another couple of weeks turned to months you told yourself that your boyfriend wouldn’t mind, that he would understand.
He knew what being taken felt like, he would understand not wanting to rest until those people paid for everything they’d taken from you.
It wasn’t until someone from Virginia called you that anything began to feel off. Inez wasn’t your best friend by any means, but as one of the front desk attendants, she knew a lot about every single agent in the building. If anyone had news and rumors to spread, it would be her.
It wasn’t a good thing that she was calling you now. Looking back, you supposed you knew what she was going to say before she’d even gotten the words out. Because what else could it have been? What else would have made sense except “Y/N, I saw Spencer with another woman today. Why didn’t you tell me the two of you broke up?”
It was a lonely flight back to Virginia. You were sure your heartbreak was obvious to anyone who dared meet your gaze on the plane. It was obvious to the flight attendant when you’d asked for one more drink than what was socially acceptable on a plane, and it was far too obvious when you looked at the home screen of your phone and winced upon seeing his smiling face staring back up at you.
The apartment that had once felt like home felt cold now. As soon as Spencer opened the front door, you knew that everything Inez had told you was true.
Because now, Spencer wasn’t happy to see you.
And honestly, that was the most heartbreaking part of it all. After so many months of missing him, after years of being happy together, looking at him and seeing the dread clear on his face completely crushed you.
“Tell me it’s not true,” you begged, though knew that if you went searching you’d likely find another woman in the apartment you’d once called home. Never once had you expected this kind of betrayal from him, not from sweet Spencer who had kissed all of your scars and promised you were beautiful. The man who had held you nearly every night since you’d met and said he’d always be there for you.
“Y/N, I d—” And somehow, you knew Spencer would try to talk you out of it. Despite everything he said, he was good with his words. How could he not be, after spending so much time with his team? The scary part was, if you let him talk now there was a good chance he could talk you out of everything you came here to do.
“That better be the truth coming out of your mouth right now.” You couldn’t take anything else, not after months of him telling you he loved you, of saying he missed you and couldn’t wait for you to get back. How many times had he said that whileshe had been laying right next to him? Did the other woman even know that you existed, or had Spencer promised her the world too?
“Why are you here, Y/N?” Spencer snapped them, expression shutting off in cold anger that was surprising even to you. “You left for four months, what else was I supposed to do?”
“Notfuck another woman in our bed!” you screamed, the words tearing through your throat so harshly you knew your voice would be raspy tomorrow.
“My bed!” Spencer corrected in just as loud a voice, “You don’t get to be angry, you left!”
“So what, every time you go on a case I get to go whore around whenever I want? Is that what you’re saying?”
“You’re not my girlfriend, you can do whatever you want.”
And fuck, did that sting more than anything else. Spencer could have said anything to you, but this?
“What do you mean?” you asked, body quivering from the frustration flowing through it now. “What do you call the past four years?”
“We never defined what we were,” Spencer pointed out, and it was then that the other woman appeared from around the corner. You knew that was where the bedroom was—you knew this apartment better than you knew your own, at this point.
You never defined what you were. Through dinner dates, and kisses and hugs, through nights spend so wrapped up in each other you didn’t know where he ended and you began, you’d never definedit?
“What did you think we were? You thought I was fucking you because we were friends? Saying I loved you for the hell of it? Fuck you, Spencer Reid,” you shouted out, trying your best not to look at the other woman in the room. Because damn it, she was gorgeous. You didn’t know her, thankfully, but that also meant you had no idea where he’d met her. Was she another agent? Was she a barista at your favorite coffee shop? The one where you’d get a coffee for you and Spencer nearly every morning?
“For four years, you never thought to clarify if you were confused? That’s bullshit, and I don’t believe it one second. You just didn’t want to date me,” you continued, feeling all of the anger and stress from the past few months rush back to you all at once. “You think I didn’t see it? Every time you dodged your friends’ questions about me, how you never wanted me to meet them? You could’ve just said it instead of pulling this shit.”
“Saywhat, Y/N! What could you possibly be talking about?”
“You’re ashamed of me! Just say it, Spencer! I’m the fucking burnt-out expired agent who fell for you! I’m not some flashy, talented BAU agent, and you can’t stand that, can you?”
“What the hell is wrong with you?” Spencer shouted right back, and you knew it was bad because he hardly ever cursed like that. “Why would I have ever been ashamed of you? Clearly, I made the right choice though, look at you! You’ve always been overdramatic, even now!”
“Youmade the right choice? You sure did make the right fucking choice, Spencer. Have fun with her, I never want to see you again.”
Your duffel bag felt a lot heavier on the way out of the apartment building. Tears blurred your vision but it didn’t matter because you knew the building layout by heart. You got home and immediately collapsed to the ground, back against the front door. The apartment was quiet, a thin layer of dust settled over everything after months of disuse. It felt more hollow than you remembered like you’d left a part of yourself behind at Spencer’s. Maybe you had.
It seemed impossible to get over him, at first. Inez was a star, always letting you know when he was walking into the building so you could avoid ever seeing Spencer again. You’d keep your word on that end—you truly never wanted to see his face again, not after seeing it so twisted up in hateful anger that night.
As the years passed, it got easier to move on. You and Spencer had both made mistakes that night, and had both been responsible for how it had ended up. Maybe the two of you just weren’t meant to be together. And maybe, despite however much you had hoped, fairytales just didn’t exist. Peter would lose Wendy, the glass slipper wouldn’t fit, and Spencer would leave. Always.
It was far too easy to create a new life in Virginia once accepting this one fact. Suddenly it was okay to pass by Spencer in the halls, to see his team teaching some new profiler recruits. You would say hello to Penelope Garcia and not feel a pang in your chest at the way Spencer had hidden you from them all so easily.
And suddenly, Inez was throwing you a birthday party and you weren’t upset that Spencer wouldn’t be getting an invitation. You could have fun with friends and never wonder how that relationship could have ended up. After all, the two of you had been far too young to expect forever to magically happen. This was real life, where love was hard and life was even harder.
The party was fun. It was everything you could ever hope for in a party, in fact. Your friends were all gathered around you and for the first time in years not one of them brought up Spencer. You were happy.
It was only right then, you supposed, that Spencer Reid himself would ruin that.
He always seemed to have perfect timing, even back then.
Seeing his face on the front porch stunned you beyond words. He was much older than the last time you’d stood this close—his hair longer and curlier, facial hair on his once smooth face, hazel eyes a little more sad and worn, speaking to the years of hurt he’d experienced. Of course, you’d heard of everything that had happened since you’d last seen him. Losing Emily, getting her back, prison.
Still, this was the man who’d looked at you and told you that you weren’t good enough. The one who had once made you feel more special than anyone else ever had then discarded you at first chance. You were the old cardigan he outgrew his use for, the one crumpled to the bottom of his bed and waiting for someone to care enough to find you.
“Y/N,” Spencer spoke after what felt like forever, voice hesitant even now. “I missed you.”
“You don’t get to miss me,” you offered instead, shutting the front door so none of your friends would hear this conversation. They all still hated Spencer after what he’d done to you, after all the nights you spent crying to them about everything you’d lost. Surely if they saw him standing here now, they’d pull you away before he could say what he came to say.
And call you a masochist, but maybe you wanted to hear him out, just one more time.
“I know,” Spencer admitted, expression falling and losing that hope you’d long since abandoned before. “But I can’t stop thinking about you. Everywhere I look, I see you. I think about you on the couch with me on the weekends, and you showing me how to cook because I never really learned how. When I go to sleep, I see the first time we met, at the Academy after I’d been convincing Gideon to come back.”
It’d be a lie to say you never thought of him either. Sometimes, when the night was too quiet and the world too dark, you imagined what the two of you could have been. If you would’ve forgiven him that night, if the two of you could have talked it out instead of yelling at each other, if he wouldn’t have assumed you didn’t care enough about him to want to date.
“You cheated on me,” you told him instead of admitting any of it. It was easier to hate Spencer, to wish he’d never come around. You could curse him, could blame him for everything, and you could someday be happy.
But instead, he came back. He came back and there he was, standing on the front porch of your birthday party saying all of the things you’d wished he’d said years ago.
“I would never intentionally cheat on you, Y/N,” Spencer promised, “I really didn’t think we were together. I should’ve known, but I didn’t.”
“It’s in the past,” you told him, wrapping your arms around yourself like that might save yourself from this. Because seeing him now, seeing how you might’ve grown older with him, pained you more than you’d thought it would. It brought up all those moments you’d spent with him—laughing over a new recipe together, curled up with one another on the couch, and placing a hand over his book so you could press a gentle kiss to his lips.
It was all over now, left behind in the bottom of a cardboard box with an old cardigan and a thousand memories.
“I want to try again,” Spencer admitted, stealing every breath from your lungs. “I know we made mistakes before, but I think I’ve always known you were it for me. You’re the one. And I understand if you never want to see me again, but I couldn’t stand the thought of letting you think I never cared about you. I always meant it when I said I loved you.”
How could you possibly answer that? After so many years, after all the time spent trying to piece yourself together without him, he wanted back? Could you start over? Could you look at him and never see that woman who he’d placed between you?
There were too many questions without answers, too many ‘what-ifs’, and too many risks.
And yet, despite the years and distance between you, this was the same Spencer you had once loved. His eyes still sparkled when he looked at you like you were his favorite person of all time. His hands were still restless, picking at his own fingers as he waited patiently for your answer. You were sure if you saw his apartment, it would still be the same cozy place you’d always loved.
This was still Spencer Reid, the man who had captured your heart and once taught you that you were lovable. The man you’d once wished would come back to you.
The one you maybe still wanted to come back to you.
And so, looking at him now on the front porch of your friend’s house, while a dozen people celebrated another year of your life just inside, you knew your answer.
Summary: It’s valentine’s day, but the team just got back from a though case were Aaron’s daughter got kidnapped. Spencer tries his best to help her feel better during the day of love.
Category: little angsty, fluff.
Pairing: Spencer Reid x fem!reader (Hotchner’s daughter)
Word Count: 3.2K
Warnings: age gabe between consenting adults (24/32), mentions of kidnapping and bruises, talks about drug abuse, short mentions of death and previous unsub (canon), kissing, use of nicknames (plum cake, pretty boy and junior), confession of love.
February 14th. Valentine’s Day. The day of love. A day that was celebrated by couples and friends around the world. It was supposed to be a romantic day but for you, Spencer and the rest of the BAU team, today was anything but romantic. Or happy for that matter.
You and the team had just wrapped up a hard case, involving you getting kidnapped, both Derek and your dad, Aaron, fought to get you back safely. Spencer did too, but everyone wanted him to focus on how to get through to the unsub so they could save you.
Luckily they found you and the unsub in a basement of an abandoned house together with two dead bodies. Now the team was on the jet on your way home to Quantico. It was dead silent except for the faint music from Derek’s headphones and some snores.
“How does she do it?” Emily asked Aaron who looked out at the window where the sun was rising from the horizon.
“Who does what?” he asked back, looking at Emily.
“Your daughter. How can she pretend she’s fine after all she’s been through?”
“She claims she’s not pretending but I and everyone else knows how much she’s struggling.” he said with a sad broken tone in his voice.
“Does she have someone to talk to about this?” Emily asked, looking concerned.
“She talks a lot with Morgan and Reid about all of it but she needs to talk to a professional about it.”
Emily nodded and looked out of the window. She didn’t know what to respond with. It was a hard subject to talk about, even when you are an experienced agent and profiler.
You and Spencer were sitting beside each other sleeping deeply. Your head was resting against his chest, while his arm was around your shoulders tugging you closer in his light sleep.
Spencer’s free hand had found one of yours and he held it tightly. Anyone could see your intertwined hands and fingers when they passed by the seats you were sitting in.
“She’s a fighter. But she doesn’t get enough credit for it.” Aaron said out of the blue to Emily.
“I believe she knows. Everyone on the team praises her for her amazing skills and work.” Emily said and drank some of the tea she just had maked. “But Hotch, do you tell her how well she’s doing on this job?”
Hotch became silent. He didn’t really praise you for your hard work, meaning that you didn’t feel praised enough for your work. It bothered you a lot but you didn’t have the nerve to tell him the truth.
—
Spencer was the one driving you home. Your dad had asked him to keep an eye out on you, just to make sure you would be okay.
In the car there was a comfortable silence. Normally you and Spencer would talk both of your ears off, but due to the trauma you just had gotten through, you didn’t talk.
“I know you like the silence but do you feel okay?” Spencer asked and kept his eyes on the road.
“It’s… hard to explain…” you said and looked out of the window.
“Well, try. To start off a conversation like this, I’ve been through a drug addiction and it took me some time to get clean.” Spencer said as he took a left turn.
“What were you addicted to?” You asked with a low voice and looked down at your hands that still had some skin damage to them.
“Dilaudid. A painkiller drug that creates the same high as heroin does. But I’m good now and can say I’m proud to be clean.”
“I heard that you actually died but the unsub, Tobias, revived you.” You said quietly.
“And I’m thankful that he did. Otherwise I wouldn’t have met you.” He said with a smile and looked over at you.
Spencer immediately noticed you didn’t smile or react to his words. He figured something like that must have happened to you, since you were so quiet about it but he decided not to ask further about it.
When you and Spencer arrived back at his apartment, you looked confused at him.
“I thought you drove me back to my own apartment.” you said and looked at him with a confused expression on your face.
“It was my plan but I figured my place would be better.” Spencer explained and opened his door to get out. He went over to your side and opened the door to help you out of the car.
He pulled out his hand for you to take. You placed your right bruised one in his soft left hand. When you stepped out of the car and down at the ground you felt your legs getting wobbly.
Spencer was quick to grab you. “You alright?”
You just nodded and grabbed his shoulders for balance. As you and Spencer walked up to his apartment, Spencer could feel that you wanted to ask him something
“What’s on your mind?” he asked calmly and got out his keys for
“It’s weird that today is the day of love and we just got home from a very bad case where I got abducted and we talk about trauma, when we were supposed to celebrate our love for each other.” you said with a chuckle and looked down at your bruised hands.
“Can you do me a favor and close your eyes?” Spencer asked and unlocked his front door.
You did as he said and closed your eyes. “I hope it’s something exciting.” you added.
“I promise you’re going to love it.” Spencer said and opened his door. He then walked behind you and placed his large hands over your eyes to make sure you wouldn’t peek.
He led you inside of his apartment and into his bedroom. On the way he made sure to close and lock his front door and open his bedroom door.
When you stood in the doorway to his bedroom you felt his hands getting placed on your shoulders, as your eyes were closed still.
“You may now open your eyes.” Spencer whispers in your ear and squeezed your shoulders.
When you opened your eyes, Spencer’s bed was filled with pillows, blankets, boxes with chocolate, rose petals and a bouquet of white lilies and red roses.
“Spencer. Wow..” you said as you took a step forward to look at it properly.
“Since we are coming close to an anniversary I thought you would like a romantic night when we got home from the case, so I prepared and I asked Garcia to help me.” He blabbered and went over to the bed to sit down.
“It’s amazing. Thank you.” You said with a small smile.
Everything was perfect. He really knew how to be romantic, with some help from Garcia.
“Come here.” Spencer said and reached out for you to come over to him.
You slowly walked over to him, still feeling weak, and grabbed his hands when you were close enough. Spencer placed your hands on his shoulders and placed his on your clothed covered waist.
“Do you feel okay?” He asked softly.
“Mhm.” You nodded and looked down at him. “Just tired. Mentally and physically.” You said and ran your fingers through his hair.
“So I’m guessing you just wanna relax and not have amazing take away dinner and kisses from your boyfriend?” Spencer asked with a mischievous smile on his face as his hands moved from your waist and down to your bum.
“I just said I was tired. I didn’t say we should cancel your plans. I’m just saying I’m really tired.” you said and looked into his dark chocolate brown eyes.
Spencer looked back into your clear eyes. “So how about you take a shower, I get dinner going and we just relax here?” he suggested and gave your bum a squeeze.
“Sounds like a good plan.. but can you do me a favor?” You asked with a quiet voice.
“Anything.”
“Help me shower…” you looked away from his gaze and tucked on his hair, getting a little nervous.
Spencer nodded looking up at you. “Anything for you to feel better.”
“Thank you.” You said and pulled away from the embrace.
Spencer stood up and went out to his bathroom to turn on the shower to get it nice and warm for you. While he did that you slowly opened the button and the zipper of your pants, slit them down and stepped out of them.
“I found this body scrub you left last time you visited and I figured you would like-“ Spencer stopped and looked at your half naked body.
There you stood. Only in a sweater that was too big for your body and in pink panties. Your makeup did you take off on the plane.
“What?” You asked nervously, looking down at your body to see if there was anything wrong, other than some bruises on your legs.
Spencer smiled and let out a chuckle. “You look amazing. Uhm,” he chuckled again. “I’m just amazed.”
You smiled softly at his words, getting a little shy.
“The… the shower is ready when you are.” Spencer stuttered and stepped closer to you.
“Can you help me get out of my sweater?” You asked, looking at him with pleading eyes.
He nodded once again. Spencer stepped closer to your body and placed his hands on your waist by the hem of your sweater.
You lifted your arms above your head so he could pull the sweater off. Spencer hesitated to do so. He just stood there and admired you, even though your left cheek had a bruise on it, he only saw beauty.
“Spence?”
“Hmm?”
“I can’t keep my arms up all day long.” You giggled and looked at him with begging eyes.
“Do you have a lot of bruises on your stomach?” He asked and slowly pulled the sweater up.
“I don’t know.” You admitted and looked away from his gaze.
Spencer pulled your sweater off, leaving you in only your panties and a bralette that just covered your chest. Your stomach was filled with dark marks and bruises that indicated that you’ve been hit and kicked, your arms had defense wounds that had been wrapped in some bindings and small cuts and your chest was covered in red and blue marks.
He also noticed that your arms had smaller poking holes where your veins were.
“What drug did he use?” Spencer asked and pulled down the strands of your bralette.
“He started with heroin, but then he moved onto meth, the liquid form. He also used some ordinary pain meds to help my body relax.” You said as he opened the bra clasp and let it fall to the ground.
“And you feel okay?” He asked and began to kiss your neck with sloppy kisses.
“Mhm. Just tired.” You said as your hands found his that were on your hips.
“Then let’s get you in the shower and wash away these memories.” He said as he kissed your shoulder.
“That sounds good.” You whimpered as his hands started to pull down your panties.
He kneeled down in front of you and pulled down your panties along your bruised legs. Spencer left small kisses along your stomach, hips and your thighs.
“Spence..” you whispered and grabbed some of his curls.
Spencer stood up and looked at you with cute loving eyes while his hands ran up and down your sides. Even though your body was covered in scratches and bruises, Spencer was so in love that he didn’t see the bruising. He saw beauty.
“Let’s get you into the shower.” He smiled and kissed your forehead.
—
You got woken up by the sun shining through Spencer’s sheer curtains. When you rolled over to Spencer’s side of the bed, it was empty, but his pillow was fluffed and he had made his bed as good as he could.
You saw a note laying on the bedside table. You sat up on the bed and leaned over to grab it. Spencer had written you a note. It was sometimes hard to read his handwriting when he was rushing but you managed to figure it out.
Your dad called and told me to get in. I told him you took a few days off.
Love you, S
“Such a cutie.” You smiled and put the note down.
You grabbed your phone to see what time it was. 11 a.m. your phone showed. It has been a while since you slept in so late. Normally on your days off you slept till around 9.30 a.m. maybe 10 if you needed, but never really longer than that.
You decided to get up and go to the headquarters in Quantico, even though Spencer had told your dad you were taking some days off to get better, you still had a lot of reports that needed to get done before deadlines.
You decided to put on some of your clean clothes you had in your go-bag. But you didn’t realize that you needed to pack a new one
“Jeans, socks and a t-shirt. It’s freezing out, I can’t wear this.” You said to yourself and looked around Spencer’s bedroom to see if there was something you could wear to stay warm during the day.
You noticed one of Spencer’s cardigans laying around. It was one of his purple ones that he really liked and it smelled freshly washed.
You decided to put it on together with your denim jeans, black t-shirt and your socks. Once you were dressed you put on some makeup to cover a few bruises you had on your neck and face.
When you arrived at the BAU people looked in your direction as you walked through the glass doors. The first thing you saw was a large bouquet with white lilies and roses on your desk. You walked over to your desk and saw a small box of your favorite candy with a note on it.
“Hello there plum cake.” You heard Derek say.
You turned around and saw Derek holding his mug with a smirk on his face.
“Hey, where are the others?” You asked and sat down to read the note.
“In the conference room. We just got a new case…” Derek said and drank some coffee. “Pretty boy told us you were taking some days off, so why are you here?”
“Uhm… reports. I’ve got some reports I need to finish before the deadlines.” You explained and read the note.
“What does it say?” Derek asked.
“To my beloved partner, lover and best friend. Happy late Valentine’s Day. Hope you like the flowers and the candy. Love, S” you said out loud while a blush came on your face.
“Let me guess. S is Spencer?” Derek chuckled and sat down on the edge of your desk.
“How’d you know?”
“Let me just say that you and pretty boy aren’t good at hiding each other’s feelings and I know a certain someone who can’t keep their mouth shut.” Derek said with a smirk and drank more of his coffee.
“Penelope. Wait.. yesterday he told me that she helped him get flowers and chocolate. Do you think she helped with this too?” You asked and smelled the flowers.
“Why don’t you ask him yourself, plum cake?” Derek asked and pointed towards Spencer who was walking in your direction.
You looked towards Spencer who had a large smile on his face. When he almost reached you, you stood up with a small smile on his face.
“Hi, Spence.” You smiled more widely.
Spencer didn’t say anything back, but he wrapped his arms around your waist and lifted you off the ground a little bit in a large hug. You wrapped confusingly your arms around his shoulders and neck.
“What are you doing?” You asked once he put you down and pulled away from the hug.
“Happy late Valentine’s Day.” Spencer smiled widely.
“Ha-, happy valentines.” You stammered and looked around to find a distraction.
“I’ll leave you two alone.” Derek said and walked into the conference room.
“What did I say about keeping a low profile?” You almost whispered to Spencer.
“Want the exact words or?” He asked jokingly and went to grab your hand but decided not to do it.
“I don’t want to exact words but I thought we should keep our relationship private.” You said and stood a little closer to him.
“We were but I wanted to give you a gift and celebrate the day of love.” He said and leaned closer to you.
“I-, I understand that but my dad and-“ Spencer leaned down and captured your lips in a passionate kiss.
Spencer’s hands went down to your hips and gave them a tight squeeze while yours went up to his cheeks. When you parted you felt rather happy being in his arms. You could sense the fireworks between you and Spencer. It felt like you’ve fallen in love again.
“Did Penelope help you with this setup as well?” You smiled softly and ran your thumbs over his defined cheekbones.
“She did and I’m really grateful for that.” Spencer smiled and tucked you closer to his body.
“Reid?” You heard your dad say.
You quickly pushed Spencer away from you and bit your lip trying not to feel too embarrassed about what your dad might have seen.
“Yes, sir?” Spencer said with an innocent expression on his face.
“Come see me in the office. Same with you, junior.” You dad said and walked back to his office.
You let out a huge frustrated sigh and looked away from Spencer. You were the first one of the two of you to walk back to your dad’s office.
You were the first to sit down in one of your dad’s chairs. Spencer came in right after.
“Reid, close the door please.” You dad said when Spencer stepped inside.
Spencer did what he got asked to do and closed the door. When he sat down on the other empty chair a heavy awkward silence came to the small room.
“Care to explain the situation out there?” Your dad asked you and Spencer.
“Uhm..” you started. “Well the thing is..”
“Your daughter and I are dating.” Spencer said boldly.
“Well…” your dad started and looked between both you and Spencer. “Are you happy?”
You and Spencer nodded.
“Junior, does he make you feel protected?” He asked you.
“He- he does.” You stammered and kept your face low.
“And Reid, can I trust you to keep her protected?” Your dad asked.
“I’ll protect her with my life.” Spencer said with confidence.
“Then I’m happy. As long as you two are happy I can’t see why you shouldn’t be together. Also as long as you do your jobs, I can’t see why it shouldn’t work.” Your dad said with a small smile.
“Wait, you approve of our relationship?” You asked confusingly and looked at your dad then at Spencer.
“I do. Well I’ve been suspicious about it and when Garcia told me that Reid was getting flowers for you I figured it out. I’ve never been against it.”
“Garcia really needs to learn how to keep quiet.” Spencer said and looked at you.
“And when will I learn that profilers know everything?” You chuckled and looked out the windows.
I mean it. It is literally all smut. But the end is a little fluffy
Spencer’s lips dragging against your neck, his hands gripping your waist, the cold wooden door against your bare back. You weren’t sure which of these sensations were your favorite at the moment, but you were sure that you never wanted this to stop. He pressed you harder against the wall, keeping himself firmly between your legs. His teeth dug into the nape of your neck, pulling a whiny moan out of your lips at the pain. You both knew that it was a bad idea to leave marks on the other, but you didn’t care right now. Right now all you cared about was the feeling of his tongue soothing the newly bruised area.
“Spencer,” you whined, your head leaning back as best as it could. He pulled back from your neck and looked into your eyes, a dark look in his usually soft eyes.
“I love the way my name sounds coming out of your mouth,” he commented with a cheeky smile. You laughed at him, a bright blush taking over your cheeks. Spencer grinned proudly at your blush before speaking, “Sound it louder for me?”
Without warning, Spencer turned the two of you around towards the bed. Suddenly the hard wall was replaced by your soft sheets. You watched Spencer as he ripped off his shirt and crawled over you, his fingertips grazing your stomach and the peak of your breast. A short whimper left your lips as he circled your nipple. Your mouth opened to moan as he pulled the perked area, but he covered your mouth with his. Something about the taste of his mouth mixing with the pain caused your back to back to arch in pleasure. He released your nipple and used his thumb to massage it, causing symphonies of moans to escape your lips.
“I’ll never get tired of hearing that,” he chuckled to himself. Your hands reached across his back, your nails dragging desperately down his perfect skin. Spencer let out a sharp hiss at the feeling and repaid you by grinding his hips against yours. You could feel him behind his jeans which only made you more excited. Spencer could tell so, with a deep kiss, he let his fingertips drag down your stomach and teasingly rub the clothed area between your legs.
Spencer observed your face as you were overtaken by the beautiful sensations of your body giving up against him. Your whole body trembled in lust, crying out for Spencer to have all of you. He realized that, and he loved the power he was given. He slowly tugged your shorts and underwear off, dropping them off the edge of the bed. He sat up, admiring your body underneath him. Usually you would try to hide yourself, insecure of the burning gaze.. But Spencer’s was warm. He wasn’t scrutinizing your body. He wasn’t here just to take a piece of you and leave. His eyes showed it all. This was more than just sex to him. And it was more than that to you too. “You’re beautiful,” he whispered, his eyes leaving your body and looking into your eyes. Your face reddened at the dark look in his eyes. You didn’t stay frozen long, though. You sat up and reached for him, your fingers lacing themselves in his hair. Spencer reacted immediately, his arms wrapping around your bare waist and pulling you into him. His lips met yours in fiery passion, firewords spreading throughout both of your bodies. You took this time to spin the two of you around, planting yourself firmly on his lap. Spencer guided your hips along as you grinded against him. One hand left your waist and instead began teasing your clit. You moaned loudly against his lips at the feeling. Instinctively, your spine snapped straight and your hips moved against his hand. Spencer watched you in awe as your head was thrown back in bliss.
Incoherent words fumbled passed your lips as Spencer teased your entrance with his middle finger. His thumb stayed on your clit, sending you closer and closer towards your first orgasm. Right when he felt that you were on the very edge, Spencer began to pump his middle finger in and out of you. You clenched around his finger, feeling your orgasm finally hit. The intense feeling caused your body to lift off his hand, but Spencer wrapped his free arm around your waist to keep you in place. He pumped faster into you, helping you ride out your high. You cried out his name a million times, half of them completely incoherent. When you finally came down, Spencer pulled his finger out of you and placed it in his mouth with a smile. You watched in awe, never having seen that before. You definitely didn’t expect for you to find it so fucking hot either.
“My turn,” Spencer grinned before turning you over and slamming your back against the mattress. Your hand shot out to your nightstand, opening it and showing him the package of condoms sitting inside. He didn’t say anything as he stood up and removed his clothing. You took in his body, a glazed look over your eyes. You had known he was attractive, but being able to see his entire body… moments before it would be pressed against yours… it was a whole different light. You wished you had his memory.
Spencer finished sliding on the condom and repositioned himself over you. He looked you in the eyes as he slowly entered you. Your mouth opened into an ‘o’ position as your eyes rolled back into your skull. Spencer took hold of your legs and pulled them onto each of his shoulders, quickening his pace. He held onto your thighs as he thrusted into you, listening to the beautiful sounds you were making underneath him. Your hands reached beside you, grasping tightly onto the sheets of your bed.
Spencer let out a low groan as you tightened around him. He let go of your legs, allowing them to fall back onto the bed beside him. He pulled out of you briefly, flipping you onto your stomach and pulling your hips up towards his. He entered you once more, a throaty moan leaving him. You moaned loudly into the pillow, holding it in a death grip. Spencer dug his fingernails into your hips, burrowing himself deeper into you. You screamed out in pleasure as he hit the perfect spot.
“There!” you screamed needily, your head back in satisfaction. Spencer reached forward and took a handful of your hair into his hand, yanking you upwards. You sat up on your knees, feeling every bit of him inside of you. His name left your mouth like a prayer.
His hold on you left your hair and instead gripped onto your breasts with one hand, greedily massaging them as he fucked you harder. His freehand rubbed circles around your clit, causing your body to tremble with pleasure.
Spencer’s hand left your breast and moved up to your throat. It only took a small amount of pressure before you felt yourself coming undone around him.
“Spencer!” you screamed as you came, your body shaking. The feeling was so much stronger before, causing your vision to abandon you momentarily. All you could see were stars and fireworks. Had he not been holding you so tightly against him, you would’ve fallen face first into the mattress. Spencer moaned against your ear at the feeling of you breaking a second time. It didn’t take long before he followed you. Both of you rode out your highs together, a chorus of sinful calls echoing off the walls of your bedroom. When the two of you came down from your highs, Spencer pulled out of you and spun you around to face him. You were confused for a moment before his lips met your once more. Happily, you melted into his kiss. You could definitely get used to this. He rested his forehead against yours as the kiss ended, just peacefully looking into your eyes.
“We need to shower,” Spencer laughed as he pulled away from you.
“Want to save some water and shower together?” you laughed. Spencer didn’t answer, instead he just lifted you up and carried you off to the bathroom.
“Spencer!” you laughed loudly, holding onto him, “You forgot clothes!”
“We don’t need any!”
=
The next morning the two of you were called into work for a case. Spencer had stayed over, not entirely willing to leave you just yet. Whenever the two of you walked in together, your friends watched suspiciously. Neither of you said anything, nor acted like a couple. You just resumed your normal routine. That means you both went to get coffee, said hello to a few people who weren’t on the team, and then made your way to the group.
You and Spencer had decided not to tell them what happened, especially not before a case. So when they fired questions at the two of you, nothing was revealed. It was a normal movie night. Spencer went home around eleven. Nothing scandalous about it. However. There was a small issue that neither of you addressed.
During debriefing, Emily leaned towards you with a small smile, “I can teach you how to properly hide a hickey. Noob.”
Your hand immediately shot to your neck, alerting the team. Spencer’s eyes widened, realizing exactly what you were hiding. “Called it,” Garcia said happily.
“We didn’t know until then,” Emily laughed, “You hid it fine. Just needed to surprise the truth out of you.”
You glared at her for a moment, “Is this really the time to be mocking me. We have a case.”
Hotch nodded, “Exactly. Thank you, Y/N.”
Morgan rolled his eyes at the man, “You only say that because you lost the bet. I still want my twenty dollars, case or no case.”
Spencer looked at you with bright red cheeks, but that was the only sign of embarrassment he had. Other than that, he looked really fucking proud of himself.
Summary: Spencer comes home to his partner and finds them still asleep. Request: Spencer comes home late from work and the reader is already asleep and Spencer just admires how beautiful they are and cuddles with them? - A/N: Just an excuse for Spencer to pontificate about his lover. Couple: Spencer Reid/GN!Reader Category: Fluff Content Warning: None Word Count: 675
What did it mean to appreciate the quiet? Spencer had never been sure. After all, the silence was something so rare that he wasn’t convinced he’d ever experienced it before. Even at night, he would find himself humming along with the soft sounds of the fridge, the television, the lamp.
He had never found any need to be quiet because there was always something else to be heard. There was always a page to be turned, a floorboard to creak, or a yawn to be had.
But that night as he opens the door to your home, the clicking of the lock seems deafening compared to the peaceful serenity on the other side of sturdy wood. He hears the stark contrast of him and home, and he pulls his luggage closer to be sure that it would not disrupt the calm.
He tries to remember each creaky floorboard on his way to you. He plans his movements carefully, ensuring he is as silent as his shadow as he creeps through your halls without a peep. With a lightness to his fingertips and toes, he pushes the door to your shared bedroom open. He holds his breath as the sight comes into view. He watches, as silently and carefully as he’d come.
Your arms lay in front of you, reaching to the empty space where he should be. He notices the way you offer your palms to the nothingness without fear of what they’ll find. He sees the slow, steady rise and fall of your chest as you sleep and he finds an appreciation in the quiet.
As he steps closer, he curses the world for not being quiet enough to let you rest the way you deserve. He hates the weight of his own footfall, even though it doesn’t appear to wake you.
He knows in that moment that what he had to offer would never be enough. But still, he has to try. He has to strip the layers of rustling fabric as quietly as possible, all the while straining to keep his eyes on your sleeping figure. You would be fine without him keeping watch over your dreamland, but he does it, anyway.
Because there is something about the way that you sleep. It is the way your arms, though notably smaller than the walls surrounding you, still offer him a home. The soft curves of your body remind him of his childhood, of when he’d admired the mountaintops off in the distance. His fingers would follow every peak, every fall. He longs to touch you, too, but he decides that his memory would have to do for now.
For now, he would just watch you. Spencer would soak in the wonder that was your most innocent state.
And your eyes, albeit closed, reassure him that there is something beautiful to be found in the absence of your voice. The same way that you are beautiful when you are awake. That breathtaking type of wonder, that absolute impossibility that is each imperfection. Every freckle, wrinkle, or crease carved by something greater than any scientist could ever hope to comprehend.
He hopes that he will never understand, that he will never grow tired of seeing how you change. He wants to memorize every iteration of you that he has the privilege to witness.
Despite having loved you for eternity, he falls in love with you again. But Spencer fights the urge to fall to his knees before you. Instead, he climbs into the sheets and is amazed to find that you still do not wake. Instead, your lips curve into a small smile.
Glassy eyes follow that shift, they flow down your figure until they land on your hands. Your hands that are still reaching out to him in the darkness, palm open and hoping, even when you are asleep.
Your hands reach for him in the darkness without fear of what the future holds, because you know that he would take your hand.
Hello Criminal Minds fans! Do me a favor, would you? If you could, please go browse my current WorksInProgress(recently updated!) and let me know what you’re interested in seeing.
I haven’t been able to write for the past month and I’m going a bit stir-crazy. Let me know where I should direct that energy!
I currently have Spencer Reid/Reader (of course), Tara/Reader, Emily/Reader, Temily, Garvez, Ralvez, Lila/Spencer, Austin/Spencer, and Tara & Spencer (platonic).
Laughter roared, and the day was waning. The clouds were travelling, and the smoke was rising. Life ruled in the gleaming eyes and alcohol, wine as sweet as honey together with whiskey painted the lips. The mood was exuberant and worries were forgotten for a moment, slipping into nothingness.
Y/N had not touched the food on the plates and the vegetables in the colourful bowls. It tasted good, was delicious, but she could no longer smell the odour she once liked much and grimaced nearly in disgust as the wind carried the scent in her direction. She sipped and emptied the glass full of water. The ice cubes remained at the bottom and slowly faded away in the rays of the sun.
The long dress covered her lovely body, making it impossible to spot the barely noticeable bulge she could hide from curious gazes. The sun shone down on her but Y/N avoided the drinks and the food she knew she wasn’t allowed to consume, had been reading books she had secretly bought, still unsure how to break the news to her boyfriend. Y/N was delighted, but every time her lips tried to form to the words of all words, the strength she had gathered in her heart disappeared, couldn’t look Spencer in the eyes and tell him what needed to be said. They had never talked about the subject of having children before, to have a family and it had never been necessary to speak of it, it was a subject not spoken of at the dinner table nor on long drives through the streets of the crowded city.
Doubts were clouding her mind. An icy shiver danced down her spine. Y/N had imagined it differently. She wanted to live in a small house and be a married woman, yet she had found the right partner for life long ago, but Y/N did not know how Spencer would react to the news.
Suddenly she felt a pair of eyes resting on her, studying her features closely. Y/N gave JJ a weak smile. She wanted to place her hands on her stomach in a protective gesture, a habit she loved too much, but before Y/N could do so, she curled her fingers into the flowing material of the dress she was wearing. Confusion spread through JJ´s eyes. She didn’t have to be a detective to notice that something was wrong with the young woman, who seemed exceptionally calm and deep in thoughts. JJ turned to her friend and took her gaze from the others gathered around the barbecue in the tranquil garden, laughing and chatting with each other and witnessed Spencer in a dark suit standing next to Hotch dressed in a pair of jeans and an old shirt.
“Is everything alright Y/N/N.”, “Of course, what should be wrong with me?” Y/N answered, forcing a smile.
JJ strolled towards Y/N and left the richly set table behind. She knew her friend well and knew something was wrong with her, that something troubled her greatly and even a blind man would see at first glance that Y/N was unwell. The façade shielding her features was well built but her eyes betrayed her, let know she was deeply troubled.
“I’ve known you for more than seven years Y/N/N, you can talk to me. Is it about Spencer? I’m worried about you, you’ve been acting unusual the last few days, the last few weeks to be accurate.” said JJ in a worried tone.
“I’m sorry you were worried about my wellbeing; I didn’t mean to worry you JJ. I’m fine.” Y/N laughed it off. “And Spencer is Spencer, he’s not capable of hurting me. I probably need a few days off. That’s all, you don’t need to worry. It’s just too much, the stress, the last cases and the lack of sleep.” added Y/N quickly and JJ nodded.
JJ halted next to Y/N, staring her straight in the eyes, trying to figure out what had happened, hoping she wasn’t lying to her, but the answer she gave sounded plausible and reasonable.
“If something was going on, would you let me know?” she huffed.
Y/N turned, faced her friend and flashed a faint smile. Her gaze was clouded and fear was evident.
“Of course, I would tell you, but there’s nothing I should tell you,” Y/N answered.
“Hotch has gone into the kitchen and you can ask him if you can get a day off, you work as much as Spencer and you deserve a day off more than any of us. You look really sickly and maybe you should ask for a week off instead of one day. Go to Hotch. I’m sure he’ll understand.” JJ said.
She gave Y/N´S shoulder a gentle squeeze. Y/N was about to protest but then nodded, knowing JJ was right and as Y/N imagined a day off she smiled peacefully, longing for a day when she could sit on the sofa and sleep or watch a movie with Spencer.
“Okay. You’re right, I’ll go and see him in a minute or should I rather go tomorrow?”, “Do it now.” she interjected and Y/N nodded.
No goodbyes escaped as Y/N turned her back on her friend, walking away, not noticing the questioning looks her boyfriend was giving her, paying no longer any attention to the conversation between Morgan and Rossi chatting about the food on the grill.
The cold tile floor made her shiver. Y/N leaned against the frame of the door and clasped her hands in front of her body, shielding the precious treasure which didn’t need protection. The air turned colder. Questioningly, the tall man turned around and immediately knew that Y/N had not come to talk about the nice weather.
“Is everything all right Y/N/N? Is there anything I can do for you?” Aaron asked, setting the jar he had filled with water down on the kitchen island.
Something incomprehensible came over her, didn’t know how to start. Confidence left her body. Y/N let her eyes wander around the kitchen, speechless, seeing the expression in the man’s eyes as he looked down at her kindly. To Hotch, Y/N was like a daughter and he felt his heart begin to ache and the worst thoughts try to overtake him as his thoughts travelled to the darkest corner of his mind.
Hotch took two steps and lowered his hands on her shoulders but he did not press her to his chest. Loving words assuring her that all was well again escaped him and when their eyes met the dams broke and the walls crumbled.
“What happened Y/N? You know you can tell me anything.”, “I’m sorry, I don’t know. It’s.” stuttered Y/N, unable to form a clear sentence.
Soothing tones Hotch uttered and gently his hands travelled down her spine, trying to understand what had happened to Y/N who was no longer his co-worker or employee but his daughter. His keen eyes travelled swiftly across her body but he could see no open wounds, no aching healed injuries gracing her skin. Suddenly tears clouded her vision.
“Y/N calm down, you can tell me everything. You are my child and if you have a problem, you can tell me, I will help you and I am convinced that all of us will help you, especially Spencer. We are your family.” Hotch said.
“I can’t,” Y/N spoke.
His hands rested on her shoulders and again he repeated the words he had said dozens of times. Urgently he looked into her eyes, trying to find the answer but nothing else but sadness and fear encountered him on his long journey. Slowly the walls she had built around herself began to crumble, no longer able to keep them alive as more warm tears travelled down her face, leaving marks she could no longer cover.
“You have to promise me you won’t tell anyone. I have told no one yet.”, “Of course, I’ll keep quiet,” Hotch replied, gladdened she was speaking.
“Not even Spence, especially him. I have to tell him myself,” Y/N whispered in a broken voice.
“I’m pregnant. I haven’t told him yet.” Y/N breathed boldly.
Suddenly she felt like an idiot.
“I know I should have told him a long time ago but I just can’t, I don’t know if he even wants kids. What if he doesn’t love me. You can’t imagine how many of my friends have to raise children without a partner. I don’t know how he will react to it. We’d have to find a new flat and I know I wouldn’t be concentrating on my work for the next few months, maybe years, but on our child and what if we are expecting twins?” she bubbled away, unable to stop, needing to get the words off her chest she had kept to herself over the days and weeks.
“I know I’m an idiot.”, “How long have you and Reid been together?” Hotch interrupted Y/N.
A gentle smile graced his lips, but Y/N didn’t witness the happiness in his gaze.
“Almost five years,” Y/N answered.
“How long do you live together?”, “Over three years,” Y/N whispered.
“Who took care of you when you were shot and on bedrest? Who washed you and took care of you?” Hotch huffed again, even though he knew the answer.
“Spencer. He washed me, cooked and even carried me around the flat. Doctors’ orders. I made fun of him for that, and I know he would take care of me if I would have to stay in bed. I know him, yet I fear his reaction.” Y/N cried quietly.
“My dove, you are overthinking. You have found the answer to your questions, you have answered it by yourself. Spencer loves you; he is always by your side and would never leave you. He will be delighted and will read all pregnancy related books he will get.” Hotch replied in a gentle tone.
Carefully, Hotch brushed away the tears before they could fall. Reassuring words escaped and the heavy burden disappeared from her heart and a faint smile graced her lips, already looking forward to the unknown future, praying Spencer would stay by her side as Hotch said.
“You should tell him today; he is not only the father of the child but also your boyfriend of more than seven years and we all know he loves you and would never leave you. You don’t have to worry about it,” he assured.
He witnessed the fear still rested in her gaze. Faintly, Y/N smiled. She shrugged her shoulders, unsure why she still hadn’t found the strength to tell Spencer, her boyfriend, the man she trusted more than herself.
The numbers on the calendar were marked with a red circle, and the colour haunted the young woman in her dreams. Letters were blurring. The sentences no longer made sense, but Y/N kept going, knowing she couldn’t close the books and her eyes to find a moment of peace.
Her eyes had seen blood and tears, wounded people, but for the first time in years, she felt like a young student about to take her big exam. She knew exactly why she had chosen to continue her studies as a psychologist, but now she regretted choosing this path of hundreds of obstacles. She wished to shut the books, hide them away and never think of her failure again, but she did not do it. Her palms were wet and the tears running down her cheeks were reminiscent of a waterfall and leaping rivers travelling across the steel face of a mountain.
“I feel like an idiot. How can it be?” Y/N breathed, unable to understand why the words no longer made sense.
Books lay scattered on the floor around Y/N wrapped in a greenish fluffy blanket, trying in vain to get the contents of the books into her head, but after hours of intense studying, Y/N was shocked she still knew her name. Tears were welling again in her eyes, realised she had failed miserably.
Deep in thoughts, Y/N didn’t hear the footsteps echoing across the small and lovely decorated home. Angrily, Y/N ran her fingers through her hair, destroying the bun resting loosely on the back of her head, falling further and further down with each passing moment. Her eyes slid over the rows of words forming sentences, but then she exhaled loudly as she realised, she had read the words but could remember none of them underlined with a reddish line. Her right hand reached for the dotted cup at the side of the bed two steps away from her and brought it to her lips. A questioning expression painted her eyes. Frowning, Y/N realised she had emptied the cup. The lavender-scented tea was gone, as well as the claimed calming effect, and Y/N could no longer smell or taste lavender or chamomile and put the cup back on the side.
Suddenly the wood creaked.
“Do you need help, my love?” a voice spoke.
A loud curse wanted to overtake her lips. Her hand settled on her heart and exhaled in relief as she caught sight of her boyfriend with a slight smile on his troubled features. Spencer leaned against the frame of the door and folded his arms in front of his torso, staring down at his girlfriend drowning in a sea of books, not understanding anything anymore, wanting to lie down and wake up when the end of the world was around the corner. He hated to see her like this, saw sadness, hatred and anger in her eyes and the only thing Spencer wanted to do was to embrace her and let his girlfriend know everything was going to be alright again.
Y/N gave her boyfriend a weak smile and let her shoulders fall forward, feeling the heavy burden seeming to grow heavier and heavier resting on her body. Spencer pushed himself off the doorframe, took three long strides and settled on the floor a few steps away from her, scrutinising the open books spread out on the floor in no particular pattern.
“I don’t think you could even help me with this, Spence. I really don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve been trying to figure this out for two days.” she laughed. “See. I don’t even know what I’m trying to get into my head.” Y/N continued.
Y/N hid her face in her palms, wanting to make it impossible for Spencer to see the tears threatening to cross the borders. She tried to stay strong, but Spencer didn’t miss it, seeing the sadness in her gaze. Y/N brushed the tears gracing her cheeks with the back of her hand away and gulped.
“Can you show me what you are trying to understand? Maybe I won’t be able to understand it either. It must surely be hard if you can’t understand it. You are smart my love.” he breathed.
Spencer placed the three books in front of him on the side after he had shut them and slid closer to the love of his life.
“Look at me. I don’t understand everything, and it takes me a few minutes to understand something. Do you remember the case I told you about when you were sick? It took me a week to understand that the man had told me a false story.” Spencer let his girlfriend know in a calming tone.
He tried to cheer her up, but Y/N just gave a dry laugh, knowing full well that Spencer was trying to take the pain off her soul, trying to let her know she was smart, that she didn’t have to worry about it anymore.
“I have a better idea. It’s getting late my love.”, “No Spence,” Y/N interjected, knowing what Spencer was getting at, but she couldn’t stop, knowing she had to pass the tests to get her degree.
“Yes, it is, it’s after eight and after a certain time you shouldn’t bother with such things. Tomorrow I will take a day off from work and together we will try to understand this. It is a lot.” he whispered.
Spencer crawled towards her and settled at her side. His hands rested on her tense shoulders. A soft sound crossed her lips, feeling her aching muscles turn to molten gold, the weight fading away from her shoulders, and Spencer knew it would take a brief moment before Y/N would listen to him.
“I’ll make us some tea. What do you think of that, my dear? A full tub of hot water, some excellent wine and I can massage your feet. I am sure they must hurt a lot. I’ll order us dinner. What do you think about pasta, pizza or a salad? We also have ice cream in the fridge. We will lie down on the sofa, eat and watch a film or the series you were talking about at breakfast. It will do us good.” hatched Spencer in a whispering tone.
No reply crossed her lips. Y/N wanted to protest, to let him know she had to finish the chapter she had started, that she could not stop yet, but the words did not pass as his fingers slipped under the material of the T-shirt and began to release the knots on her back. A low moan escaped her. She tilted her head back, feeling her muscles turn to butter and the anxiety and worry disappearing from her body and mind. A slight grin spread across his face. Spencer knew the answer to the question he had asked, knew exactly how she would answer, and got the confirmation he needed when Y/N nodded her head in affirmation.
Spencer Reid had read enough books to know what needed to be done, knew the local library like the back of his hand, but after receiving the golden message that his girlfriend is pregnant, he refreshed his knowledge of pregnancies.
Nervously, the tall man paced the flat. His face was troubled and sweat danced down his spine. He strode up and down. The stuffed bag was on the side of the door next to the prepared slippers for his girlfriend. Spencer had already slipped into his sneakers at five o'clock in the early morning, was ready and had not closed his eyes after he heard the hisses and curses escaping Y/N in low tones.
Spencer saw the sharp pain running through her body but Y/N waved him off, listened to him, but the pain wasn’t long lasting, only for a few moments, not even ten seconds. His trembling fingers ran through his unmade hair and kept looking towards his girlfriend, who was sitting calmly in a serene mood in the middle of the sofa, lovingly stroking her belly. Smiling, Y/N looked up and spotted Spencer standing by the door. Calmly with fear coating his face he was waiting for his girlfriend to finally understand that the pains coming and going in waves were no longer Braxton Hicks but contractions.
“I’m taking you to the hospital now.” his firm voice broke the silence.
“They’re just Braxton Hicks. I still have two weeks, almost three, to go. It’s a false alarm. Little Reid here wants to have a little fun with us. He’s just testing you. Let’s have some breakfast and enjoy the morning.” Y/N responded calmly.
“You are in the early stages of labour, my love. You should eat a small snack and stay hydrated. No pancakes or a piece of cake with extra whipped cream.” Spencer recited what he had read, knowing exactly what was written in the book on the fifteenth page of the second chapter.
“Spence, I am hungry. I am starving. How can you be sure I’m already in labour? I’m fine. Little Reid is just kicking me a little too hard, but he will surely stop, and if he doesn’t, then you need to have a very serious talk with him. Spence, my love, come to me, caress my tummy and tell me it’s going to be okay. That’s all I need right now. I know you’re worried. I really understand, but please stop.” Y/N breathed exhausted.
Spencer laid his eyes on his girlfriend, saw the pain she was trying to hide, but Spencer saw it clearly. Y/N couldn’t hide anything from her boyfriend. The genius clasped the bag he had packed, placed it on the table and turned to the kitchen. Exhaling loudly, he took two chocolate bars with frozen strawberries followed by a pack of washed blueberries and walked with the snacks towards his girlfriend seated on the sofa with her aching legs resting on the table. Fatigue had settled on her face but she could no longer close her eyes.
“Spence, come to me and rest. Let’s watch a movie. You have been up for more than seven hours. It can’t be contractions and you’re making me nervous. We will wait a few hours and if it doesn’t get better then you can take me to the hospital.” Y/N exhaustedly breathed.
Y/N longed for a moment of peace, wanting to close her eyes and fall asleep. Spencer nodded as he strolled towards the sofa. He was aware he wasn’t able to get his very pregnant girlfriend into the vehicle he had prepared and take her to the nearest hospital to see a doctor.
“Agreed? Trust me, if it gets worse, I will let you know. You don’t have to fear Spence. Everything is okay.” Y/N laughed. “And then you will hold my hand and take me to the hospital.” Y/N continued.
No fear filled her as Y/N thought about the birth, but she didn’t take it lightly, knowing how painful the birth of a child was, having heard countless of stories from her friends, but the difference between them and her was that she had Spencer by her side who would keep the promises he had made, knew her boyfriend would be the best father under the sun.
"Do you have a name in mind, Y/N?” Spencer switched the subject.
Smiling, Spencer handed her the snacks and gratefully Y/N accepted them, opened the snack bar and took a big bite.
“No, still not. I’m sure that when we see our little Reid, we will know what his name will be. We’ll see him and we’ll both say a name at the same time. Spence, what do you want to say me? I understand you, but I’d rather sit here on the couch and watch a movie until my water breaks or the contractions start than in an overheated, bad-smelling hospital room.” Y/N said.
“That’s a good idea. And you don’t have to worry about that, I’ve booked us a private room. You’ll have your own fridge, TV and air conditioning. Don’t you want to at least get changed? My biggest fear is that you will give birth in the car.”, “But I’m sure you’d make a good obstetrician. I’m sure you would. I love you, so I’m going to change, you’re going to eat something and make yourself a cup of coffee in the meantime and enjoy a moment of peace.” Y/N interjected.
Spencer crossed his arms in front of his chest, hadn’t sat down by her side, was prepared, and even the car key was in his back pocket.
“Okay.” Spencer conceded afterwards.
Lovingly, his hands settled on her body and Spencer helped his girlfriend up, placing his hand on her back and leading her away from the sofa and escorting her to the kitchen. Lovely words escaped his words and Y/N smiled, forgetting the pain wandering across her body. A faint grin spread on his lips as he saw her gait reminding him of a penguin walking through high snow, he didn’t want to smile but he couldn’t help it. Spencer took a sip of the already cold liquid in the white cup before placing it on the kitchen island. His heart ached all at once. He looked up, almost tripping over his own feet, and ran through the short hallway swifter than the wind and jumped through the door.
“Y/N?” he nearly screamed.
Questioningly, Spencer glanced up at his girlfriend, but then he saw the wetness travelling down her bare legs. His lips were no longer touching. Her face was troubled, filled with pain.
“I think you were right after all Spence. They were contractions and they are getting a little worse. I’m sorry.” Y/N whispered.
“You have nothing to apologise for, my love. Nothing can happen to the baby now, but I think it would be better if your doctor will check on you and the baby, it may take a few more hours but if you say the pain is getting worse it would be better if we get on our way.” Spencer breathed lovingly.
The knowledge he had gained over long months returned, knowing exactly what to do.
“I’ll put a dress on you. After that, we will drive to the hospital. I’ve already packed your bag, and the car is ready too. You have to worry about nothing. I will hold your hand as promised. You will be a great mother Y/N.” no other words, telling her he was right after all didn’t escape the man.
Spencer came to a halt directly in front of his girlfriend. His eyes let her know she had nothing to be afraid of. Gently his hands rested on her body and breathed a loving kiss on her lips while his right hand rested on her stomach.
A reddish veil settled on the faces. The blanket slid down his chest, revealing his well-defined muscles adorned with reddish claw lines. Gracefully, his fingers slid over her skin. Guilt spread through Spencer, seeing the marks his nails had left over her body, kissed by the rays of the sun streaming through the narrow gap of the long curtains.
Spencer´s gaze slid from the dancing dust particles illuminated by the sun to his girlfriend, who had fallen asleep in his arms and did not appear to wake in the next few moments. Spencer was unable to take his eyes away from his beloved, running his gaze over the shape of her beautiful body. Blissfully, he smiled and again he was wondering what he had done to deserve Y/N. For a long time, the genius was planning to take Y/N as his wife, had bought a ring a few weeks ago but the blue velvet box was well hidden and the question didn’t make it past his lips.
Blue marks adorned her flesh, not covered by the quilt. Spencer did not wake his girlfriend, enjoying the moment of peace, laughing low and closing his eyes in pleasure. Suddenly he realised today was his day off and decided after not a moment’s thought to spend the whole day in bed, only getting out of bed if he had to. He didn’t wake her up. Sliding closer to his girlfriend, the grin on his features kissed by the rays of the rising sun grew wider, knew it was Y/N´s day off too.
The young couple had decided a few months ago to have at least four days off a month to spend more quality time together, and Spencer longed for more days filled with love and dates mirroring the first dates at lovely restaurants and bistros. Even if the couple spend whole days together at work, both longed for moments of peace, not for pictures causing nightmares, making it almost impossible to close the eyes. It was Y/N who suffered greatly if the cases turned and twisted like the limbs of a fallen man but on those nights, Spencer was always by her side, listening and helping by his mere presence.
The sun’s rays kissed his bare chest as he moved, finding a comfortable position and leaned against the wood so he could be closer to the love of his life. Spencer loved her like the first day, loved her from the deepest depths of his heart, and couldn’t think of a better girlfriend than Y/N.
His roughened fingertips slid over her forehead again, brushed the strands of hair away, and whispered words of love and adoration into her ear. Her eyelids twitched and through narrowed eyes, Y/N looked up at Spencer. Her face contorted into a grimace, but then a slight smile spread across her lips, gazing into the eyes surveying her lovingly. Y/N chuckled as his hand cupped her cheek. They lost each other in their gazes, looked at each other enamoured. Y/N raised her right hand and stroked his cheek with her thumb, feeling the slight growth of his beard under her touch, feeling the bumps, and smiled.
“Good morning, my love.” Y/N breathed, losing herself in her lover’s eyes as he continued with his loving touches.
“Good morning. Do you know what day it is today, my darling?” asked Spencer joyfully.
Questioningly, Y/N looked at her long-haired boyfriend. Her brows almost touched, and a question wanted to cross her lips, but before the first syllable, the first word could cross Y/N realised what day it was. The smile softened and turned into a wide grin.
“What do you say we go to the mountains today? We can hike. I heard the park there is nice, and I heard you talking about it with JJ. She visited it last week. Or we could do some work in the garden.” Y/N breathed sleepily.
No answer escaped Spencer who shook his head in response.
“Why not?”, “We can just stay here in bed. We can sit in the garden and lie under the tree and enjoy the day. No cleaning nor working. I’ll buy some takeout, ice cream and other sweets at the supermarket,” Spencer explained in a joyful tone.
His voice was rough. A sudden shiver ran down her spine, remembering his words of adoration, telling her how much he loves her, how much he is longing for her touch, craving her closeness. Y/N wanted to get up from the bed but a soft whine crossed her lips. Spencer’s eyes widened, looked questioningly down at his girlfriend, searching for wounds, wanting to understand what had happened, but couldn’t find the answer, didn’t see any open wounds adorning her skin and suddenly he saw the answer. The blanket had slipped down her frame and bruises radiated all over her body from her neck to her stomach in one trail.
“I’m sorry, my dove. I didn’t mean to hurt you. Do you need something? Are you in pain?” Spencer whispered.
No traces of mild pain graced her face, had enjoyed the night to the fullest. Amused, Y/N peered up at her lover. Her glance rested on his throat and spotted the scratches she had left on his flesh. Y/N sank her teeth into her lower lip.
“Spencer, you certainly didn’t hurt me, you could never hurt me.” Y/N immediately interjected. “And you should take a closer look at yourself. Blue suits you well.” Y/N joked amused.
Y/N quickly rose from the bed, pushed herself off of the pillow and let her hands rest on his cheek, brushed away the traces of fear and distress and let Spencer wordlessly know she was fine and feeling no pain. The next gust carried the clouds away. Spencer leaned forward, rested his hands on her hers and breathed a loving kiss on her lips.
Winter ruled in his eyes, and mist clouded his senses. Spencer folded his arms in front of his chest and gazed into nothingness, half-heartedly listening to the escaping words and ignoring the questioning looks directed at him.
His gaze was stony. Thunder and lightning ignited the darkness. He didn’t want to eavesdrop, just wanted to get a sauce from the fridge that Rossi had forgotten to put on the table. Spencer slowly went ahead, sure neither Hotch nor Y/N had noticed that he had come, that he had followed them. The man in the dark suit had not dared to enter the kitchen, hiding in the darkness of the shadows, standing like a statue when he heard his girlfriend’s voice shattering into hundreds of pieces.
Spencer didn’t know whether to be angry or disappointed. He felt empty even though he wanted to be delighted, but his heart ached and he couldn’t explain it. Spencer desired to take his girlfriend in his arms, wondered how he had not noticed the symptoms of the early stages of pregnancy, noticed many things, almost everything, and suddenly, it all made sense. Vaguely Spencer remembered the moments when Y/N didn’t want to drink wine, the early mornings when she refused to have a cup of coffee with him as usual. Laughing low, he noticed she had been wearing loose-fitting clothes for several days, weeks and suffered more from headaches or went to bed earlier and didn’t want to fall asleep in his arms anymore. His heart ached, remembered how she prevented him from touching her skin, tried to make it impossible to hug her, to hold her against his chest and whisper delicate words into her ear.
“Did you find the sauce?” echoed Rossi.
Deep in his thoughts, Spencer went ahead and settled down on the chair. His heart was beating fast, and he tried to put a mask of coldness on his features. Confused, they all looked down at Spencer, seeing the joy filling his gaze. Hush voices forced them to look up and spotted Hotch and Y/N as they joined them. Spencer sensed her presence and looked out of the corner of his eye at Y/N, smiling faintly as she returned to the terrace of the tranquil house.
No hatred filled Spencer’s sparkling eyes, had heard the fear in her voice when she told Hotch the well-hidden secret. Spencer quickly banished the smile from his lips, heard the voice he would recognise among hundreds, and lowered his gaze, knowing well his eyes would fall on her belly. He wanted to touch her hand, rest his hands on her belly, wanted to feel life growing inside her, massage her feet and tell her she is the most beautiful woman in the entire world. But then he clenched his hands into fists, making it impossible for his fingers to touch her or to reach for the mobile phone in his pocket to search for suitable healthy recipes on the internet.
Pride filled his body. He looked back and Spencer thought he saw a barely discernible unevenness under the flowing material of the long dress. Spencer swallowed. He didn’t know what to do. A grin stretched across his lips as he realised that in a few months he would hold his child in his arms, and then he looked at Y/N, the mother of his child.
“I’ll take care of everything. You don’t have to worry about anything, Y/N,” Hotch breathed in Y/N’s ear, but Spencer could hear every word loud and clear.
“Thank you.”, “I think you know what you should do. Tell him soon,” Hotch added and Y/N nodded.
Spencer rose quickly and pushed the chair next to his back. Giving his girlfriend a slight smile, Spencer forced his eyes to rest on her delicate features, kissed by the light of the shining sun, repeating over and over in his head that he wasn’t supposed to look at her stomach.
“Thank you, Spence,” Y/N spoke, settling down on the chair Spencer offered.
“Can I get you anything? Do you need anything, my love? It’s really warm and the rays of the sun can make you feel weak. Are you drinking enough?” Spencer asked.
Concerns coated his voice as he gave Y/N´s shoulder a tender squeeze. Y/N shook her head, clutched the glass and brought it to her lips. Spencer settled down next to his girlfriend, felt his gaze keep sliding to her and realised water was in the glass and felt a wave of relief wash over him.
“Is everything all right, Spence?” asked Y/N.
Spencer didn’t answer, shaking his head and turning back to the others gathering, chatting around the richly set table. Hotch spoke to the others and suddenly, they all nodded.
“I’ll get the sauces Spencer couldn’t find. Could you please help me, guys? I doubt I will manage to carry all the bottles on my own.” asked Rossi and Morgan nodded.
Hotch, followed by JJ and the others disappeared into the small house. Y/N looked after them questioningly and a silent curse escaped her, knowing what Hotch was asking of her, wanting her to tell Spencer the news as soon as possible, but this was not how Y/N had imagined it.
"Spence?” Y/N whispered.
Y/N turned to Spencer. A warm breeze picked up and swept through her hair. His eyes rested on her. Slowly, almost as if she were afraid, Y/N turned to her lover and the moment their eyes met, Y/N caught sight of the joy in his gaze.
“You know, don’t you?” Y/N whispered.
The faint smile faded slowly from his lips, seeing the disappointment rooting in her watering eyes. He remembered the words she had said coated in the layer of fear and felt his heart ache in pain.
“I love you and I would never, never in my entire life, leave you and our little one. We may have never talked about it, but I want to be a father. The father of our child. I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, I just wanted to get something from the fridge, I didn’t want to, but then I heard everything.” Spencer replied.
His hands reached for hers, clasping her trembling fingers after he moved his chair closer to her. Gently, he brushed the tears coating her cheeks away. Loving words escaped Spencer in tender tones.
Tears were falling. Y/N listened to the words and did exactly what Spencer asked of her and settled on his lap. His right hand moved up her spine and pressed her head closer to his chest, allowing her to listen to the serenade of his heart. Spencer placed a kiss full of adoration, full of emotions, on her skin above her temple. His arms wrapped around her body, pressing her gently against his chest and promises Y/N was sure he would keep escaped him.
The lovers did not notice the glances upon them, but then the people in the house beyond the windows witnessed the answer to the questions they had been asking themselves, watching as Spencer’s hands resting on Y/N’s abdomen delicately caressed the appearing bump.
summary: early in y/n’s and spencer’s relationship, y/n fears the growing distance between them, although what seemed to be possible infidelity, is actually much worse–for spencer.
word count: 1,007 reading time: 4 mins
warnings: angst
a/n: HERE IS THE FINALE!!! I’ve had the most amazing time writing with the talented @goldentournesol. Steph is incredible and so creative, please show her some love! Hope you enjoy :)
I was afraid the chocolate he got me would taste sour, but it was luscious. I found comfort in the sweetness, just as I had found comfort in Spencer. It’s been a week since his confession. I also couldn’t help but feel a little ridiculous in my accusations. I had jumped to conclusions and couldn’t see the signs of my boyfriend in pain. The guilt ate away at me for a while, but Spencer let me know that he had been hiding it to the best of his ability. I eventually told him that I wanted to be the one he ran to when he was in pain. Both of us had our fair share of issues with vulnerability and insecurity, but that didn’t mean we couldn’t work through them together.
And so, here I sat, my head in his lap, his hand in my hair like all those weeks ago. This time, when our gazes met, there were no underlying feelings. No words left unsaid. The air was finally cleared and we could finally breathe. The air tasted sweeter somehow, now that I understood fully. The past week was not easy. Reconciliation was a bumpy road and I was not prepared for the ride. Spencer and I are stubborn, proud individuals. I had almost kicked him out of my apartment that night. I had almost ended the relationship right then and there. What else was I supposed to do when he’d said such vicious things?
But he’d seen the crack in my armor. The room was heavy with the guilt I felt and my subsequent tears were even heavier. The tears fell free before I could even tell them not to. His behavior made sense. I saw it then, he’d squint if the room was too bright and would often ask me to turn the TV volume down. His stories had become less animated, he had become less animated. He was going to sleep much earlier than he usually did. I should have caught on, but I just assumed that his long days had taken a toll on him. Spencer was no stranger to overworking himself.
He explained that he’d gone to countless doctors and I expressed how upset it made me that he was going through all that on his own. I could have been there for him, I could have supported him, but he wasn’t used to having someone to lean on. He was his own protection all his life, and I understood that. I made it clear that he had someone to lean on now, someone who loved him and looked after him.
The doctors had trouble diagnosing him so he referred to a renowned geneticist. She was one of the greatest minds in her field apparently. It was a she, after all, and she had a name. Maeve Donovan. It was easier to have a name. It personified her. She was less of an abstract being and more of a person. I thought about how much of my time and energy she’d unknowingly spent before I even knew who she was. Or I guess I was the one who’d spent it.
“How are you feeling?” I asked, looking up at Spencer, who was focused on the TV now. He finally had the weekend off after finishing a case in Wisconsin. I’d been tasked by Dr. Donovan to make sure that he’s getting at least eight hours of sleep each night. He’d been good at going to bed on time, his issue was with staying asleep more than going to sleep, anyway.
“I’ve been better, but to be honest, I’ve also been much worse.” He shrugged. Spencer’s eyes were never unkind, his soul was too kind to let them show anything other than that. Even now, his eyes were soft, even softer due to the dim light in my apartment.
“Is there anything I can do to help?” I sat up to face him. I’d been doing my own research on migraines. Mostly how to relieve pain. Dr. Donovan also mentioned a series of supplements that he had to keep track of. I’ve made sure to incorporate more vitamin-enriched foods into our diet as well as made sure to keep him adequately hydrated.
I recognized the mischief in his eyes before he could even get a word out, “Actually, I think it’s time for my hourly dose of kisses.”
I threw my head back in a hearty laugh before cupping his face gingerly and bringing it closer to mine, “Who am I to deny you your medication?”
His grin was contagious, it went straight to my heartstrings and I felt weightless when he looked at me like that. His hands were perched on my waist and I brushed our noses together once before sealing our lips.
Together we lived in the clouds, sharing the same bubble. We’ve finally rebuilt the fantasy we had before, although this time a newfound trust had formed. However, that is not to say that everything was instantly perfect. Frankly, I think that the inexperience and the unknown is what gives beauty to this world, our world. To me, anything with him was perfect, no matter what the great philosophers say. But they were right in one aspect: defining voluntaryignorance.
The bliss I felt in our intimate space was addicting, it turned my brain into gullible mush. I didn’t want to believe that eternity didn’t exist. How can it not when it feels like this? I refuse to believe it. But harsh reality does not lie, it is only ourselves willing to fall for it. One day, Spencer’s arms would no longer be around me, and his lips would no longer brush softly against mine. The bubble would shatter like glass, the deception following suit. But for now, this lie was a silent agreement between Spencer and I. No matter the blissful ignorance we shared between us; no matter the ignorance of Spencer’s remaining lucidity, I knew this was the only lie we wished to be true.
summary: early in y/n’s and spencer’s relationship, y/n fears the growing distance between them, although what seemed to be possible infidelity, is actually much worse–for spencer.
What kind of life is lived when all you’re doing is waiting for the other shoe to drop? Waiting for the inevitability of cruelty? I stepped into a relationship with Spencer never expecting that I’d be waiting for the cord to snap. He led me into a cocoon of safety, one where I never doubted his motives. One I wasn’t sure I deserved.
Three little words can seemingly make or break a relationship, and the words Spencer had uttered confirmed that theory. However, unlike in most relationships–at least the fortunate ones, it wasn’t the three-word spectacle that symbolized the deep passion or confirmation of the shared sentiments. Instead, the dreadful trinity cut me deep, symbolizing the undoing of what we have–correction, had.
“It’s a date.”
I wish I could curse the air, scream into the sky, and stomp at the earth below me, but I couldn’t help but direct all malice to me.
What did she have that I didn’t? It must’ve been my intelligence. Everyday, Spencer was surrounded by the brightest minds–him outshining the rest, although his humbled self would always discredit that matter. With a considerate heart, he would mind voicing his opinions of people out loud, keeping to himself. However, there’s a significant distinction between publicly expressing your judgement and having internal thoughts, though unshared, still exist.
This baffled me, considering Spencer had always reassured me of this particular insecurity, suppressing the disquiet of my thoughts. Would he have lied? He seemingly excels at that, as of recent, among his other accolades. I would never admit it to him, but I would often find myself skimming through the books he loved–analyzing them so I’d better understand his mind or to offer a common topic. All the things I did for him to seem smarter in the past makes me look stupid now. The wasted effort should set every fiber of my being aflame and angered, however, all I can really feel is the doubt and self-resentment pricking at the walls of my chest.
All I can show for it are the blotched texture of my cheeks from incessant wet streaks, the suffocating push and pull of my throat, and the tautness of my muscles from the inability to move. On top of that, a heavy heart that carried the haunting spirit of a failure.
This disposition left me paralyzed on a Thursday night, alone in my apartment. The parallel left me with an incredulous expression. Just last week, I was on the precipice of my relationship without knowing it–senseless to the downward spiral that followed. What would I have changed, had I known this was going to happen? I tell myself this was all on him, but what if it isn’t? What if I led him to do this? To seek love and comfort in someone else.
Spencer’s been out of town for the last four days. I should have kept up with our nightly calls, but the truth is I couldn’t hear his voice without breaking down. His calls were left unanswered and I didn’t even know if that worried him or not. My insecurities had me by the throat and I just couldn’t shake them. Why was I dreading the day he returned? I’d seen his text messages, but hadn’t bothered to reply. I didn’t want him to know that I was festering in my own self-pity, so when I finally answered the call after he texted me to let me know that he was in town, I pretended I was someone else for it.
But then I thought…maybe, just maybe, it was all in my head. Maybe he wasn’t calling her as much as he was calling me, I didn’t even know if it was a her. I still thought that I might be desperate enough for his attention. So much so that I was willing to be the second option.
The phone call was short and dry, but I did my best to pretend that I was fine. He said he would take me out on a date tomorrow. It would be Friday, not Thursday. He said he was busy today and I didn’t ask him what he was doing, I had a feeling the knowledge would only cleave our relationship further. As tempting as it felt to pull away from him even more, I must admit that I missed him. I missed the way his nose scrunched when he was listening to me talk, I missed the way he’d always chime in with his facts and stories. I missed what we had and who we were before things started to change.
I forced myself to get ready for our date the next day. I circled around my apartment like a vulture circling around its prey, as if I’d find any motivation lying around, but it felt redundant so I stopped. I sat on my couch and nervously tapped away my anxiety until the doorbell rang throughout my apartment. Taking a deep breath, I made my way over to the door and opened it to see him holding a large bouquet of flowers and a box of chocolates. He’d never been one for grand gestures, and I’d never been one for flowers and chocolates, but from him, they were precious. I let myself accept them with a smile, even though the dread was eating me alive from the inside. Don’t cheaters and psychopaths buy gifts for their victims in a way to suppress their guilt? Did I just compare my boyfriend to a psychopath?
“What’s all this for?” I asked him after he greeted me with a kiss to my cheek. I put the flowers in a vase as he spoke, following me through the hallway and into my kitchen.
“Well, I felt bad for postponing our date and you sounded upset over the phone. I’m sorry I technically missed our date night.” Spencer said, tapping his fingers on my counter, waiting for my reaction. I surveyed him under my lashes. His remorse seemed genuine, but I was no profiler. I wouldn’t be able to catch his quirks as easily as he would.
I merely nodded, “Thank you, I love them.” I said, but the words felt like they were spoken from behind me, from someone else’s mouth. His eyes raked over me like they were assessing me, just as mine had a few moments ago.
“What?” I asked, trying my best to convey curiosity instead of acidity.
“Nothing, you just seem a bit on edge.” He said, smoothing a hand over his cardigan. My eyes followed his hand instead of meeting with his. His gaze felt sharp, even though I know he didn’t mean it that way.
“I’ve just been having a hard time at work.” I dismissed the conversation and quickly changed the subject, “So, are we ready?” He nodded, dropping it and we left my apartment.
The slight chill passing between the backs of our hands felt foreign to the skin. I guess I was so accustomed to the warmth and comfort enveloping the appendage that it felt like a phantom limb. I even miss the claminess of his fingers and how my own fit perfectly between the dips in his hand. However, it was difficult to reminisce with the penetrating thoughts of resentment and self-scolding in the back of my mind.
Every other step, Spencer would ask a shallow inquiry, in which I would reply with a mindless response. It’s like we reverted back to the naive touches and suppressed sentences in the beginning of our relationship. However this time, a tense air constricted the blood flow to our heads.
“So, what’s been going on at work?” he hummed, tilting his head towards me. Without meeting his analytical gaze, I responded with a mere quirk in the lips, suggesting a less than satisfactory experience. He nodded, sensing the imminent disinterest of the conversation.
While we walked on, I subconsciously laced my fingers togethers and observed the oscillating space between us. My feet staggered as I took a heavy interest in kicking stray pebbles and counting the cracks on the sidewalk. At this point, Spencer’s baffled yet indistinguishable expression had locked onto the side of my face. I would never mind his curiosity, but this time sent pins and needles shooting down my spine.
Unable to handle the suffocating air, I pushed the words off of my tongue and took a leap, “What did you do yesterday?” I sputtered out, cringing out how desperate and invasive I sounded; huffing, I rephrased my question to be less encroaching. Although why would that matter at this point? We’ve hit our climax, and we’re frankly teetering on the precipice.
“I had to deal with some family business,” he admitted breathlessly, a stutter undetectable in his words. I peaked at him from my disengaged stature, noticing the slight hilt in his voice was gone–a tell of dishonesty that was usually easy to spot. I guess he really did get better at it; they say continued practice makes perfect, right?
My head throbbed at the thought, and my nails dug into the surface of my fist. “Family business,” I nodded, not noticing the pure indignation evident in my tone. I hadn’t even realized that the phrase came out as a jesting scoff until Spencer had called my attention.
“Is something wrong?” He stopped suddenly, straying a few steps behind me as he waited. I could tell by the firmness of his voice that he was slightly annoyed by my reclusive behavior. Everyone had a limit, and Spencer wasn’t an exception to that.
I shook it off, finding my composure once again. I fought the bubbling feeling of impulsivity, the wanting to throw the whole world at him for deceiving me. I suppressed the desire to scream and yell, leaving them hidden in my imagination. I detested the way his eyes would scan over me in a mixed expression of pity and displeasure, adding onto the blaze inside my stomach.
“No.”
My delivery left me stunned, and hearing the tenacity and resolve in my voice was almost unheard of. Although it did set a culpable insecurity in mind, knowing that it sprang from a place of abhorrence and anger. The second the word fell breathlessly off my tongue, it rubbed Spencer the wrong way. We’ve had petty fights before, but as individuals we’ve always advocated for fighting the problem together rather than each other. I hate to admit it, but between the two of us, it wasn’t surprising that Spencer had a sound mind. At least, that’s what I knewof.
He took a deep breath, as if he were resetting himself and shoved his hands into the pockets of his coat, “Let’s just eat something.” Instead of fighting, I heard him add, but of course he didn’t actually say it.
-
I wish I had the privilege of saying that dinner was intense or full of passive-aggressive bickering but instead it was a suffocating silence, only broken by conversing with our server. The room shrunk to the size of an elevator, and the extravagant decor transformed into four silver surrounding walls. Despite being only 3 feet away from each other, our presence felt miles away. At one point, I even contemplated fabricating a convoluted excuse to leave abruptly but it was my pride that prevented me from doing so.
The walk back to my apartment was even more tense. Spencer’s breathing pattern was off. I couldn’t remember when I’d begun analyzing his breathing, but I could tell something was off. The second the door of my unit slammed shut, I knew I was trapped in a vulnerable position. Spencer leaned against the door, dissecting every movement I made. I felt scrutinized under his line of sight, my resolve shrinking into nonexistence while I bit my tongue.
He scoffed under his breath, throwing his coat and phone onto the side table by the entrance. “So are we going to talk about what happened, or frankly, the lack of anything happening back there?” He held a pointed gaze, shifting his weight onto his hip. His tongue swiped the bottom of his lip, patiently waiting for an answer.
A breath was caught in my throat, preventing me from getting any words out. I refused to face him, keeping myself busy by trying to find a place for my belongings. I knew I had to be wise with my next words, however, my impulsivity was, sooner than later, going to send me into a fit of combustion. I found myself teetering at the precipice once again, thinking back to the lies and excuses he shamelessly threw my way. On the other hand, I couldn’t help but confide in the sunlight of our past. With only a few more seconds of running oxygen, I sighed, mumbling a deflecting response, “There’s not really much to talk about.”
The soft bang against the door caught me off guard. Shock ran through me as I turned around with an incredulous expression. My stature unconsciously shriveled into itself in fright as Spencer’s fist slide from the oak door. My mouth hung open, frozen in state, unable to form coherent sentences. Never once had I seen Spencer express himself by physical means, let alone operate on his own anger. Maybe it was the present naivety that lingered in our relationship, but judging by the discreet upset shown on his face, he too was stupefied.
“What is going on with you lately?” I asked, looking at him with a certain level of incredulity. His mouth flew open as his brows rose to his hairline. The once tense hands dropped to his sides as he swiped a few hairs from his face.
He gestured to the air with a nonchalant figure before deflecting the question at hand. “I could ask you the same thing, Y/N.” I could hear the slight stagger in his tone, like he was holding a part of himself back. It must’ve been the adrenaline pumping through his veins from whatever affair he participated in. Frankly it made me question the integrity of his fib; how long was he going to hold out on me?
I couldn’t distinguish between the thoughts of Spencer possibly continuing this fib because of his cowardice or if Spencer truly thought I was too gullible. Both sent a blaze through me that attacked every piece of rationality I had left; it was as if shots of espresso were injected into my veins. Spencer’s elusive response hadn’t helped with the compelling sensation either, leaving me defenseless against my absurdity.
Although, to think of it, is it really illogical to be vexed by Spencer’s vague behavior?
“Me?! I’m not the one who’s being secretive.” I defended, my fists at my side.
“And how exactly am I being secretive, y/n?” Spencer raised his voice, an unfamiliar boom echoing throughout the room. “Please! Tell me ‘exactly,’ how I’m being secretive.” He responded like a petulant child, emphasizing simple words to enhance the condescension in his tone.
“Oh, so you think I haven’t noticed the calls? The way you hide your phone from my view when you get a notification? Do you really think I’m that stupid, Spencer?” I said.
“And, how is that exactly being secretive, y/n? I have my own business to attend to,” he defended. “Frankly, I think you’re the one overstepping here!” Spencer avoided the question per usual, unconsciously switching the scope to me. I felt a bubble rise in my throat, similar to the tightness I felt whenever I cried, however this time, it was from a place of malice.
“I am not overstepping because you are being secretive! I have no idea who you’re talking to! Where were you last week? Where were you yesterday?” I fought to keep my voice even.
“How is that even your business in the first place? You’re not my mother.” His voice cracked on the last syllable, almost undetectable to unknowing ears. He tried to brush it off, using intimidation to distract from the emotion crawling up his throat. Knowing Spencer, he did a rather exceptional job, although at this moment, I suspected a chink in his resolve.
“I don’t have to be your mother to know that something is wrong! Stop deflecting!” I blurted in a fit of frustration.
“You see, you keep trying to tell me that there’s something ‘wrong,’ with me! But there’s obviously some unresolved issue that you’re getting at here to be this upset!” He threw his hands into the air, shrugging his shoulders with an air of arrogance.
“God, do not twist my words here, Spencer Reid! I did not say that there was anything wrong with you, I said there was something wrong. Unresolved issue?! What the hell does that even mean?”
“You know for someone who’s claiming to be so perceptive of what’s ‘wrong,’ you’re really awful at being self-aware. I mean…the attitude, the distance, the–the closed off expression at dinner! I mean wh-what the hell was that!” He grimaced, biting the inside of his cheek as he finished his heated spiel.
I couldn’t help but scoff at his words. Me not being self-aware! “Oh, please. Ladies and gentlemen, a world class behavioral analyst!” I gestured to him sarcastically, like a ringmaster would with his gags, hoping that Spencer could realize how ridiculous he sounded. “You tell me why I was acting so strange!” I was livid, the words that came out didn’t seem to make any sense. I just wanted him to feel what I felt.
“Oh, I’m sorry! Let me play my part,” he pathetically bowed to me, exaggerating his movements. “Here, I’ll sit and do the things that you can’t, and practically feed into all your insecurity!” He mockingly laughed, “because that’s what this is all about right? You’re not getting enough attention?”
I groaned in frustration, “You are so infuriating!” I could feel the anger ripping its way through my skull.
“And you’re so invasive! All I needed was time and space to figure a few personal things out. I’m sorry that we’re not at a point in our relationship where I’m expected to tell you every bit of my life.” He pointed to himself with such ferocity, although it was the pure indignation in his eyes that sent a harsh chill into me. “I’m notcomfortablewithyou, and that’s that.”
I couldn’t ignore the way his words stabbed their way into my heart upon hearing them. They violently ripped open a cavern in my chest and settled there. My moment of hesitation must have caught him off guard and he reeled back slightly, as if aware of what he had said. The air in the room began to shift as the silence danced between us, taunting us.
Beyond my control, my lip quivered slightly as I stared at him, my eyes growing wetter by the second, “Is that…is that why you’re cheating on me?” I asked, my voice coming out shockingly small. I was never the best at showing my emotions and being vulnerable, but if he was going to break up with me, he had to do it now before the dam released.
His eyebrows cinched together, his mouth following suit. He turned his attention away from me, taking his head in the palm of his hands. The tips of his fingers rubbed at his temples while I stood there helplessly. It was as if my words were obsolete in his ears, getting lost in the thick air. His shoulders rolled back and his chest puffed; his eyes were also scrunched closed like he was tired of hearing my voice. “God, y/n,” he whispered, dropping his head, “can we not get into his right now?”
A ball had expanded in my throat, and the gates that fortified every tear I suppressed crumbled. My chest compressed and expanded at the same time, leaving me in an aching loop. “Did… Are you just…” I bit my lip as it continued to tremble, stifling the sobs crawling up my esophagus. I leaned my head back, diverting my attention to the ceiling to save the last bit of my composure.
Soon enough, the fire from before mixed with the saltiness of the fluid staining my cheeks. I had needed some part of me alive–I needed part of me to live for me. Nonetheless, that didn’t stop the constriction of my muscles, contrasting with the exhaustion coursing through my head. At this point, I didn’t know if I was going to fall or peak. I didn’t know if I was on that precipice again or if I was soaring into a disposition much worse.
It was poetic if you thought about it. The pain and exhaustion was my kerosene to an unforeseen ember. He sighed, reaching my prodding eyes once again, “I’m just… I’m getting a headache from all this.”
“Spencer fucking Reid, ladies and gentlemen.” I brought my middle fingers under my eyes, wiping away the pain and grime. I shook my head, biting my bottom lip but not biting my tongue. Not this time. “All you can fucking say is that… you have a headache?” I scoffed. “Well you know what Dr. Reid-”
“Y/N, we’re not getting into this.” He began to cower away, brushing past me to get to the kitchen. Gently pushing me aside, he dared not to look back at my provoked visage.
“No, let me talk” I asserted.
“You can talk however the hell you like, y/n.” Spencer turned around, shrugging his shoulders like an odd air of indifference. His head was still in his clutch, explaining his lack of eye contact. “But I sure as hell won’t be listening to you.”
“Funny how I’m causing you a fucking headache cause your mouth is doing the same damn thing to-”
“Y/N…”
“GOD, can you let me speak!” I huffed, feeling an overpowering shock shoot through my resolve. Sparks fused with the blood in my veins and the adrenaline felt like battery acid. I guess I was soaring rather than falling.
“Y/N, I really don’t want to get into this…” His voice went suspiciously soft, although I knew better than to let that hinder my determination.
“Why don’t you see a doctor then?” I spat, unbeknownst to the animosity tied to my words. “You know what?! Why don’t you fuck them too, since you’re on a damn roll!”
The air changed the second those words rolled off my tongue, however, I was unfortunately unconscious to the great shift. Spencer’s hand left his temple, and his head slowly raised to reach my eyeline. He held a blank expression, but by the indistinguishable twitch in his cheek, I knew his nonchalant demeanor dissipated.
“You don’t know a damn thing,” he mumbled in intimacy, like he was reassuring himself. “Maybe I should see a doctor–MATTER of a fact, I am seeing one,” he nodded mockingly, his eyes lined in a penetrating glare.
My heart sank at his words; the ground below me decayed, seemingly unable to support the withered organ. However, if I had known that the world, myworld, would collapse with an unsettling phrase that would follow, maybe I would’ve preferred falling off that peak after all.
“But I’m not fucking anyone, y/n. I never did.” The words left him breathless and gritted with every syllable, although that didn’t take away from the pure abhorrence towards me.
“I’m sick… Are you satisfied now? My mind is slowly deteriorating, my mother’s illness is slowly killing me,” he cried, “an-and all you care about is yourself.” His face fell to the floor, hiding the blotchy redness invading his cheeks. “Frankly, with whatever lucidity I have remaining… I would rather spend it on anyone better thanyou…”
