#stupid deaths

You know, we have a tendency to portray assassinations as these incredibly serious and well planned affairs orchestrated by complete masterminds.

When in reality they tend to be dumb, stupid affairs planned by stupid, incompetent people who have no idea what the hell they’re doing.

It’s amazing how some of the most defining moments in history were the dumbest affairs imaginable.

Take the Assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand and his wife, which kicked off WW1 and left millions dead and crippled, and ended empires.

It was planned by a small group of incompetent revolutionaries, who had planned this assassination carefully to take full advantage of the man’s visit…

And by that i mean that two of them turned out to be too chickenshit to actually go through with it when the moment came, one saw his wife sitting in the car and had a moment of clarity where he realized murdering him and his wife was a pretty shitty thing to do, one had his gun yam, and when one assassin finally throws a bomb, he overthrows it and it sails over the car and right into the crowd on the other side of the road.

Then he jumps over the side of the bridge planning to make his escape. Only the water is shallow and he just breaks his leg. And then his suicide pill is past its expiration date and he’s just left there, throwing up and with a broken leg as the police march down and arrest him.

Then the final assassin, slinks off dejected he’s not going to get to murder a man and his wife, goes to a caffe and buys a sandwich, only to see the archduke and his car roll up in front of him, q result of a driver who’s not familiar with the city and has made a wrong turn.

He jumps up and fires.

History turned on a sandwich and wrong turn.

It would be an hilarious comedy of errors, if it wasn’t the incredible cost in lifes as WW1 destroys Europe, and lays the foundation for facist germany, soviet russia and china, and millions and millions of deaths.

Then there is the asshole who killed Abraham lincoln.

Because the president didn’t have proffessional bodyguards yet, he was able to sneak up backstage, and get close enough to shoot him in the back of the head.

That’s stupid enough, but then there was his escape.

Having used his one bullet to kill Lincoln, he has no means to defend himself against Lincoln’s guests, and has to make his dramatic escape…

By which i mean he literally jumped off the balcony, landed on the podium, broke his leg, gave a dramatic one liner to the shocked audience, and then hobbled his way off stage and out the building and avoided capture for over a week.

I don’t know who was dumber. The man, or the people gathered for not managing to stop the man with the broken leg and an empty gun.

Then there was Giuseppe Marco Fieschi, who tried to use this monstrosity of stiched together Musket barrels to kill the king of France and his sons.

He unloaded it right at the monarch as he was passing beneath, but this being unnacurate muskets, the king and his sons were barely scratched, but he killed about 20 other people in the kings entourage. Also one bullet hit marco himself, because the weapon was as safe to use as it looked.

That was a pretty stupid and crude assassination attempt.

Then the moron, because the king sent his doctors to save his life somehow thought that this meant the king would pardon him, so he turned very cooperative and named all his co-conspirator.

As it turned out, the king only wanted him alive so proper justice could take place, and he was executed for massmurder and attempted regicide.

And then there is the story of Otoya Yamaguchi, who assassinated Inejiro Asanuma. It was the single most important political assassination of post war japan, maybe in all of Japan in the 20th century, as Inejiro was the leader of the Japanese Communists, who dreamed of turning his country into a second China, and following in the footsteps of Mao(Who he greatly admired) and was making inroads in japanese politics.

He was also the glue that held the Japanese Communist cause together, and their only shot at actually becoming a real force in politics, and the moment he was killed, it pretty much disintegrated and died on the vine, becoming less and less relevant as the party ripped itself apart after his death, until finally it just disbanded.

The famous picture above makes it seem like a really dramatic, and well calculated assassination. However, that picture is taken after the mortal blow was struck.

Here is the actual killing blow. The assassin’s plan was literally, run up to him on stage and stab him with a short sword, and hope that no one steps up to stop him, or the guy doesn’t move and use the podium as a barrier between them.

It was literally a stupid plan thought up by a 17 year old, and he pretty much just slammed into his target with such force his own glasses just flew off.

Again, it was the most important and defining assassination in modern japanese history, and it all boiled down to, run at him with a sword, and hope no one stops me.

It’s amazing how some of the most important and defining deaths was caused by stupid people, with dumb plans, with dumb, blind luck on their side, allowing them to triumph in the face of their own, incredible shortcomings.

Six of Crows, told through Horrible Histories:

No one asked for this but Horrible Histories is elite. You’re welcome.

Kaz Brekker:

Inej Ghafa:

Nina Zenik:

Matthias Helvar:

Jesper Fahey:

Wylan Van Eck:

Kuwaii Yul-Bo:

Jan Van Eck:

The judges approve, you’re through to the afterlife.