#taylor stans

LIVE

And it’s hard to be at a party

When I feel like an open wound

It’s hard to be anywhere these days

When all I want is you

You’re a flashback in a film reel

On the one screen in my town

And I just wanted you to know

That this is me trying

— “this is me trying” by Taylor Swift

The Friday after my best friend died was my 24th birthday. It was supposed to be a joyous day, overflowing with celebration, family, friends and fun.

Instead, all I felt was pain. Pain, grief and gutwrenching heartache. I missed him so much. I wanted nothing more than for him to be alive. Healthy and happy and there with me. But he couldn’t be any of those things, and that one devastating thought played over and over in my head like a mortal gunshot wound to the heart, striking me on a loop.

I tried so hard to get through that day. Through that year, and the many years that followed. Some days I made it through. Some days I broke and collapsed halfway through. But I tried. I tried so fucking hard. Because I knew that he would’ve wanted me to give it all I had.

Adjusting was a bitch, and I had massive regrets that persist to this day. I had fears that he was no longer around to comfort away. They’re still around, right here, right now.

Now, almost 5 years later, Taylor Swift has penned the ultimate grief anthem, whether she consciously set out to do this or not. It is hauntingly, torturously beautiful, and explains it all.

My heart.

These times have really made me reminisce on seeing @taylorswift for Reputation Tour Tampa. We made so many friends from TSL, danced in a sea of lights, and I SOBBED. But in light of the times, here’s some of This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things. @taylornation

Wish you could go back & tell yourself what you know now

In 2008 I was dreaming of the future I have now but never thought I would ever get it. Thank you for growing up with me @taylorswift and for teaching me what I know now… fearless has changed my life for the better and I am so happy that I get to share this moment tonight with my mini swiftie! We love you and are so happy you own Fearless Taylor’s Version!

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