So… cough cough.. Let me do a quick rant as I’m finishing more and more of The Magnus Archives episodes
Mumbo Jumbo as an Avatar of The Flesh… Mutilated meat and an animalistic fear of slaughter being a part The Flesh’s domain.
Its rather fitting isnt it.
Especially since his human body turned part pork and pigs being a mass slaughtered lifestock.
Considering Mumbo, during season 8, was all about harmless harvests of nature and him staying pretty much vegan throughout most of the season. A humble, yet cursed, potato being a catalyst to such a macabre mutation would be such a wicked joke by the entity.
The consumer would quickly come to realise that they, more or less, “would become what you eat” and turning entirely vegetable would surely mean to die. Sure. They can come to the conclusion that maybe if they just had a single cheat day and ate a single storebought porkchop, then their vegetably bits would turn meat again… Yet, they would quickly learn that a pig’s flesh isn’t as similar to human meat as people thought…
The unfurtunate individual eating it would come to find that the only cure would not only be eating meat… but also do harm to another individual to obtain said meat.
[Recorder clicks on. Through the entire recording, there is a persistent repetitive click and hiss from an oxygen tank] WOMAN: And you promise this will be completely confidential?
MAN: Rest assured, Miss Cleo, that we here at Convex Consulting will stop at nothing to keep your words secret.
CLEO: Right. Stop at nothing and take no further steps, I presume?
[An awkward silence.]
MAN: That usually works… Cub, why didn’t that work?
CUB: I don’t know, Scar. I don’t know.
CLEO: It’s because I’m not an idiot.
SCAR, plaintive, almost whining: But I’m doing my magic on you!
CLEO, scornful: Have you really never met another avatar before?
SCAR: What’s an atvavar?
[A sigh, muffled, as though into one’s hands] CLEO: How about this? This statement stays out of the Institute’s hands for at least the next six months. You can charge them as much as you like for it then, but if I find out they got it early, I hunt you both down and take your heads. Sound fair?
CUB: I dunno. The Institute pays best for the freshest stories, so–
CLEO: You take my deal or I take your heads. Which will it be, boys?
CUB: Well, I do like my head… I say we take the deal. Scar?
SCAR, softly: But my magic…
CUB: Yeah, he’s fine with it. Okay, so the Institute gets all fussy if we don’t format these correctly so–
CLEO: Seriously?
CUB: I mean, we are stealing their own prey and selling it back to them.
CLEO: Guess, I’d be fussy too, when you put it like that. So, how do we do this?
SCAR, halfheartedly: Really put your soul into it. Act it out. Relive all that tasty, tasty trauma. Try to make it sound all story like. Maybe use your artavar powers to make it more dramatic or something.
CUB: I got a couple of templates you can look through for the intro.
[Papers rustling] CLEO: Okay, I got one.
CUB: So, now we– Huh. The tape’s already on. That’s handy. Okay. May 2nd, 2020. Statement of Alias: Cleo regarding…
CLEO: A series of encounters with a substitute teacher called Joe Hills.
and another hermit archives fic! this is a shorter one, and relatively less spooky, but i still like it. there will be werewolves in the next installment again to balance it out.
[GRIAN] Look, you’re having strange experiences, you should make a statement! That’s how it works! Mumbo gave one!
[PEARL] Well, yes, but Mumbo was also turning into a vegetable. I don’t think this is really comparable.
[GRIAN] It’ll take like ten minutes, and I’ll buy you coffee after.
[PEARL] Coffeeandlunch.
[GRIAN] Fine, sure. Statement of Pearl Moon, regarding an incident of temporary blindness. Statement recorded direct from subject, May 5th, 2022. Statement begins.
i have been absolutely slamming out fic lately because @chrisrin’s hermit archives au gave me brainworms, to the point that i stopped making individual posts for all the fics i was writing in it, so i may as well make a post now for all of the statements i’ve posted so far.
all of these are various types of horror, so check the tags, but i’m quite proud of all of them. no knowledge of tma is necessary to read!
[GRIAN] Statement of… Scott S. Major, regarding a camping trip in the north of England with friends. Original interview transcribed three years ago, September 15th, 2019. Statement begins.
[SCAR] …so- oh! Okay! It’s recording now? I think it’s recording now. Well, not that it really matters if it’s not. I’ve just got something to get off my chest. I’m not going to file this in the archives- so I suppose that means if you’re hearing this, somebody’s been snooping about! (Laughs)
Statement of me, Scar Goodtimes, archival assistant, regarding… hmm. What do I call it? …Regarding an exceedingly strange medical condition. Statement begins!
[GRIAN] So this is a… statement? Given by- okay, so the audio quality on these gets pretty bad at parts. There’s a lot of distortion, so apologies in advance to any future listeners. Point is, I can’t make out the name. I think it starts with a Z? The box they were found in had been in storage since the seventies, so who knows how old they are.
i have now written two fics based on the hermitcraft tma au in the last couple of days. this one is about last life, and wolves, and the worst camping trip ever. also they’re in a series now for ease of finding!
