You didn’t rush back into Joel’s place or up the stairs. Instead, he followed you through the front door, holding the screen open for you before he carefully closed and locked both doors once you’d passed through. “You know what I just realized?” He was behind you again, one hand settled low on your back. “I never gave you a tour of my place. I know you’ve seen down here, but -”
“You can show me now?” Turning to face him, you tried to steady your breathing. “Bedroom’s upstairs, right?” He failed to conceal his smile and nodded in agreement, jerking his chin in the direction of the stairs.
You didn’t rush back into Joel’s place or up the stairs. Instead, he followed you through the front door, holding the screen open for you before he carefully closed and locked both doors once you’d passed through. “You know what I just realized?” He was behind you again, one hand settled low on your back. “I never gave you a tour of my place. I know you’ve seen down here, but -”
“You can show me now?” Turning to face him, you tried to steady your breathing. “Bedroom’s upstairs, right?” He failed to conceal his smile and nodded in agreement, jerking his chin in the direction of the stairs.
“I’ll follow you.” You took the first few steps quickly, hand resting on the banister. They creaked beneath your feet, the sound slightly louder as Joel’s weight joined, but you only made it to the first landing before he stopped you, hands on your hips as he spun you to face him. “Wait a minute…” He mumbled the words, crowding your back into the corner and stepping closer. “I feel like I should be…” Should be what?
You waited only moments for your answer, Joel’s lips meeting yours with some force. Yeah, you should be doing this. We should be doing this. Fisting the material of his shirt and pulling him flush against you, you changed the angle of your kiss, lips dragging against Joel’s as you both got lost in it. He tasted faintly like beer - and as the kiss deepened, you tasted mint, too, almost like he’d - “You picking mint leaves from your yard again, Joel?” Laughing softly, you angled your head back, looking up at him. “Tastes like it.”
“Maybe.” He nipped at your lower lip and then stepped away, shoulders rising as he took a long breath. “Habit I picked up years ago, before everything happened.” Learning a lot about you tonight, Joel. Rolling your shoulders back, you moved out of the corner and past him, continuing up the steps. “Workshop’s right in front of you. I spend a lot of time there.” One hand on the door frame, you peeked inside, eyes moving over the table, which was littered with woodworking tools and curls of wood scraps along with paints, glue and books. Joel stood behind you again, casually winding an arm around your waist as he leaned in. “Thinkin’ about trying to making a guitar, too. I know there’s plenty of em, but it’ll keep me busy.”
“You should.” Turning your head to the right, you nodded. “I bet people here would love that.” His arm tightened around you.
“I’m teachin’ Ellie to play. She’s pickin’ it up fast.”Good. Gives her something to look forward to. “Main bathroom’s next. But there’s a smaller one in my room. You can use either, but -”
“No hot water.” With a sigh, you backed away from the doorway, Joel letting you go after a few more seconds. “I remember.” You didn’t know if it was something that he was denying himself as a reminder of the situation that you all were still in, or if the man had simply just not gotten around to fixing the water heater in his basement. But the fact of the matter was that all of the water streaming from the faucets in Joel’s house were ice cold - and it had been since he and Ellie moved in. “You should fix that, Joel. You’re going to want hot water in the winter, and it’s coming.”
“I know. You ain’t the first to tell me that.” He cleared his throat. “Bedroom’s right here.” He didn’t touch you as you paused in the doorway, eyes immediately going to the shelf beneath the window across the small entryway, two framed photos resting on the top of it. Wonder what those are. You wanted to ask, but didn’t - instead crossing the threshold and finding the bathroom and a walk-in closet to the right, and another entryway leading to the actual bedroomto the left.
It was cozy - shelves with books and vinyls hanging on the wall, a large rug covering a lot of the floor. There was even an overstuffed armchair in the corner beneath the partially opened window, a small table with a coffee mug resting next to it. This is his. All of this is here because he wanted it to be.
You understood what taking the first step into it meant, and so after giving yourself a few seconds to prepare, you did just that, entering the man’s private space and eyeing the bed. It was large - only one side of it distubed despite the fact that there were matching nightstands and lamps on either side, the wood made of the same dark color as the bed frame and headboard. “Bed’s definitely bigger than mine, Joel.” Grinning, you looked back in his direction. “Looks more comfortable, too.” You’d expected that he would have followed close behind as you walked into his room, but Joel was hovering in the doorway, both arms crossed over his chest and a worried look on his face. What’s wrong? “Joel?”
“Weird seein’ someone else in here.” Drawing his lip back and between his teeth, Joel closed his eyes. “Weird havin’ a house and a nice bedroom and lights, and -”
“Hey.” Closing the distance between the two of you, you shook your head back and forth. “You’ll get used to it. If this is too much, we can -”
“No.” The tone he used was final, the man’s eyes opening to reveal that the deep brown was blazing, nearly glowing in the light from overhead. “No, I just needed a minute. I like seeing you here.” Taking it slow was important - and you were in no rush. And he doesn’t need to be either. “I should…” He frowned stepping closer and lowering his hands. “I gotta warn you about somethin’.” What?Suddenly worried, you took a step back, waiting. “After … after me an’ Ellie left Jackson last year? When she saved me? She saved me from bleedin’ to death.” You’d known it was bad, but not the exact cause of his injury, but his admission still confused you. “I… I got impaled.”
He lifted the bottom of his shirt as he spoke and your eyes were drawn to the movement, a loud gasp falling from your mouth when you saw the remnants of his injury. A long scar - at least the length of your hand - had healed poorly, slicing diagonally up the right side of his abdomen. And that’s just what I can see. He was wearing jeans, and though they were low on his waist, the end of the scar was hidden by the waistband. “Jesus, Joel. Ellie took care of this?”
“Yep.” Your eyes moved over his skin - the golden tan of the rest of his body, the coarse, dark that that was scattered over the center of his belly and then down, also disappearing beneath his pants. “I shoulda died. But I’m too damn stubborn. Don’t hurt anymore, but I didn’t want you to …” Cautiously, you reached out, letting the tips of your fingers trail over the raised, puckered skin. Ellie had done the best she could - and you assumed that since he said he’d been impaled, the man’s back didn’t look much better - but there was still evidence of her clumsy stitching, of the fear the little girl had likely felt as she literally held the man’s life in her hands. “Didn’t want it to surprise you.”
“Thank you for the warning.” Raising your eyes to look back at his face, you didn’t pull your hand away. “But you didn’t need to give me one. I guess… I never realized how bad it was when she took care of you.” He had to have lost so much blood. And then … “I know you said it doesn’t hurt, Joel, but if I’m ever touching you, and it’s … just tell me, alright? I don’t want to cause you any pain.”
He let go of the shirt then, the material sliding back down his body and gathering atop your hand. Joel lifted both of his, using them to cradle your chin, his eyes locked with yours. “You won’t.” His thumbs swept over your jaw - gently - and you flattened your hand against his body, palm pressed against the scar beneath it. “Also got somethin’ else to tell you, if that’s alright.”
“Of course.” You closed your eyes as he inched closer, the man’s lips barely touching yours before he pulled away and then returned full force, parting them enough so that you could feel the way his tongue teased along the seam of yours, Joel’s quiet grunt coming with a warm exhale. His grip changed, one hand sliding around to the back of your neck, the other hand settling on your shoulder. “Fuck, Joel. I wan-”
“Remember when I mentioned a while back, over at Tommy’s that Sarah was more than enough for me to handle when she was a kid? That I knew at 26 that I didn’t want another onea her?” He was breathing hard as he spoke, the man’s lips next to your ear. You remembered his words - the conversation coming up when Ellie asked if Tommy and Maria wanted to have kids of their own, or if a lot of people had them in Jackson. And he brought up Sarah on his own. He joked about it, even in passing. That had shocked you, especially with what you’d known about Sarah’s loss and what came after it, but you weren’t surprised that he stillfelt the same way, especially since he’d formed such a bond with another girl like his daughter in Ellie. “I wasn’t just sayin’ that because I wanted to wait ‘til found the right girl, I was serious.”
“What?” You’d closed your eyes, leaning into his chest as Joel held you, but when he said your name, asking you to look up and at him, you did it immediately.
“I don’t know if you remember anything about college basketball, but…” Joel wet his lips. “Fuck, I haven’t told anyone this in years.” Basketball? What? “Used to be this thing called March Madness, it was a bunch of games in the middle of the month that determined who won the -”
“Joel.” You rolled your eyes. “I went to Illinois. We were in the Big Ten. I am aware of college sports.” I haven’t thought of this in forever either, how the fuck did I remember that? He grinned at you, mouthing the word “ok” under his breath. “But what does basketball have to -”
“Tommy an’ me liked college sports. Football. Basketball. Even watched some soccer because of my daughter. But we loved basketball.” The hand on your shoulder moved down, the man stroking slowly over your back. “Sarah’s mom was gone already, had been for a couple years, and as much as I loved bein’ her dad, it was exhausting. Worked a full time job, did construction on the side, raised my little girl. Had help from Tommy and my parents, but …”
“But it was hard.” He nodded, still focused on you. “And that doesn’t even take dating into account, either, which I’m sure you were doing, because -”
“I was.” He looked up at the ceiling and then back down at you. “And I was fuckin’ terrified that I’d get someone pregnant again by accident, so one year, just a couple before the world fuckin’ went to shit, I…” He laughed. “Sounds funny sayin’ it now, but … I did what a bunch of other guys did and I scheduled a vasectomy for the day before the tournament started so I could stay home an’ recover during the first round instead of going to work and missing it.”
You couldn’t help it - the sound of your laughter burst from your mouth at his admission, but even as you reacted, you were running through the meaning behind it in your mind. It means he’s safe. If means that even if my device isn’t good, that we wouldn’t have to worry. It means … “Did your team win, Joel?” He groaned, dropping his head toward your shoulder briefly. “Did you watch them from your couch with a bag of frozen peas on your -”
“Fuck you. No, they didn’t.” He was smiling, though, bringing his gaze back to yours. “And my parents were pissed, even though they sorta understood. Always told me that I’d regret takin’ away the chance to give Sarah a little brother or sister, but after everything happened? I’m glad I did it. This world isn’t a good place for any kid. I wouldn’t wish gettin’ pregnant now on anyone, and I know damn well I’d be half crazy trying to protect somethin’ that was my own flesh and blood.”
You knew it to be true, because of the things that Ellie and Joel had revealed about their cross country trip, and what Tommy had said about his time with Joel before Wyoming. You’d seen firsthand how fiercely they cared for each other, how much Joel loved his brother, and you didn’t know if you wanted to imagine the way he’d be trying to protect a child of his own. “You did what you thought was best for you at the time. And look… no one could have predicted this, but you’re right. People need to repopulate, but at the same time… with as much as people were fucking each other at every opportunity at the beginning of all of this, and how chaotic everything was? It scares me to think about how many -”
“Right.” Joel bit down on the corner of his lower lip. “But I’m not tryin’ to drag all this shit up right now, I was just letting you know that I’m… about as safe as it gets when it comes to -” It was your turn to kiss him in the middle of a sentence, lips sealing over his and preventing him from finishing his story. His grip on the back of your neck changed - tightening further, the man’s fingertips digging into your skin You returned the favor by biting down on his lip, the edges of your teeth tugging it out as you pulled away, despite the fact that you were careful not to curl your fingers against his stomach the way you wanted to. “That mean you’re alright with -”
“More than alright.” You kissed him again, eyes closed. “Thank you for telling me that. It would have been just as easy to warn me and then pull -”
“Told you. I’m tryin’ not to be an asshole with you.” His thumb swiped over the nape of your neck slowly, Joel’s voice low. “And if I can be completely honest right now?” He leaned closer, his beard lightly scraping over the soft skin of your cheek. “I ain’t gonna last long enough to give you much of a warning the first time.” Your knees went weak at his words, an involuntary gasp your only other reaction, but Joel was quick to act, steadying you with both hands.
“Well that is fucking honest.” When you recovered, your words were spoken breathlessly, the hand on his abdomen pushing to put space between you. “And I appreciate it.” He can’t say things like that. No man had ever spoken to you with such candor, and the fact that it was coming from Joelof all people was more than you’d ever hoped for. Get it together. Keep… keep going.
You’d dressed casually for the night - a pair of jeans and boots, a loose t-shirt that was clean but well worn, the neck a slightly stretched out V - and as you spoke, you used both hands to rid yourself of your top, letting it drop to the floor. His eyes were glued to your bared skin, the man’s gaze moving over your chest and then down before rising to settle at the center of your body, a slight tremble the only other indication of his response. “One of us has to start this, right?”
You gave him another second to look and then dropped to one knee, unlacing your boot and removing it before switching to the other, and by the time you stood back up, Joel was undoing his belt, the sound of metal on metal filling your ears. “You started but we’re both gonna finish.”
Joel’s belt joined your shirt on the floor, and when you reached out, hands closing around the fabric of his shirt - a long sleeved one with both sleeves pushed back to his elbows - he didn’t stop you, instead raising both arms over his head to ease the removal. You took your time with your assessment of Joel’s body - fit but not bulky, the man’s broad chest and shoulders finally on full display. There were other scars on his skin - smaller ones that were healed to a pale silver, dark ones that you figured had been inflicted early on into the outbreak or even before, healing under harsh conditions or the bright Texas sun. He’s fucking perfect.
You bit back the words, not wanting to say them and scare him off, but you couldn’t keep from stepping closer to the man again, giving him a smile before you reached out and ran your fingers down the center of his chest. “It’s nice to finally see you, Joel.” Stroking over his skin until you reached the waistband of his pants, you steadied yourself with a long, deep breath. “Can I -”
“Yeah.” He cleared his throat, reaching out and setting both hands on your hips, the man’s thumbs arcing over your abdomen. It was a light touch but grounding, Joel keeping you there in the moment with him as your fingers worked the button of his jeans open and his zipper down.
Aside from the sounds of your breathing, the room was totally silent - the wind lifting the curtains covering the windows just enough to move cool air over your skin. There was a rustling noise as he stepped out of his jeans, using one foot to kick them off to the side, and then Joel was wearing only underwear - a pair of boxer briefs in a faded gray, the material clinging to his thighs. Continuing the downward movement of your hand, you felt him jerk slightly as your fingers made contact with the front of the cotton - and what was beneath it. I want to see. I want to touch him.
He stopped you, though, just as your fingertips moved to part the slit and slide inside, Joel’s use of your name low but commanding. “Not yet. You’re still wearin’ too much.” Stopping immediately, you curled your fingers inward, raising your eyes to his face. “Let’s get these off, yeah?” He let go of you, Joel using two fingers to unbutton your pants, but then instead of sticking with just the one, both hands began to work the denim down, thumbs hooked over the waistband and moving as he helped you rid yourself of the clothing. Joel could have taken your underwear with it, but chose not to - and by the time you were repeating his move of kicking the pants to the side, your heart was racing, wondering what he thought of seeing so much of you.
You heard it all - the sharp intake of breath as his eyes raked over your skin, the murmur of your name as his hand came back up to rest on your hip, the audible click of the man’s hard swallow when his eyes met yours again. “Not gonna say anything?” Almost unrecognizable, your voice was quiet, nervous even, but you didn’t try to hide the emotion in it. He needs to hear it. “You -”
“Oh, I’ve got a lot to say, I just… can’t.” He tugged you toward him, lowering his head so that he could mouth at the top of your shoulder. “Can’t right now.” The drag of his beard over your exposed skin made you whine, both arms winding around his body as you urged him to press himself against you. Don’t tell me then, just show me. Like you… He bit you unexpectedly, the man’s teeth latching onto the skin at the base of your throat before he let go, followed by the press of his lips - which lingered.
You rubbed his back and nuzzled your face against the side of his, eyes closed, and for the first time in months, stopped thinking about anything but what was happening in the moment. Your entire mind was filled with Joel - the way he smelled and tasted, the way his skin felt beneath your palms, the firm press of him against your belly, the way you could feel your body reacting to his touch and presence, heat gathering in the pit of your stomach and lower, the soft material covering your lower body providing the tiniest bit of friction as you shifted against him. “Joel, I -” Crying out at another bite, you jerked forward, grip tightening for a few seconds before you released him, both hands traveling up the broad expanse of his back to tangle in the unruly locks at the back of his neck. “Kiss me, please. I just -”
It was almost like he’d been waiting for the invitation, Joel raising his head faster than you thought he would to meet your waiting mouth. He wasted no time in deepening the kiss, his tongue parting your pliant lips with ease in the same moment you realized he was stepping forward and urging you back, ever closer to the bed. Yes. Yes, that’s… I want that. He held you close, the hand on your hip sliding around to your back and down, fingers disappearing beneath the waistband of your underwear and curving to match the shape of your body, Joel grabbing a handful of you as he rocked his hips against yours. Fuck.
You wanted to devour him - would have gladly spent hours standing up and kissing the man, but the presence of the bed reminded you that it didn’t need to stop with kisses that night. It wouldn’t stop with touching - t was going to stop exactly when and how the two of you wanted it to. You let out a long, shuddering breath when you finally pulled back to breathe, and were happy to see that Joel’s eyes were wide, so dark that you almost couldn’t tell where the pupil ended and the iris began, both of them filled with need. “I like it when you look at me like that.” It slipped out, but that didn’t mean that you meant it any less, and he reacted almost immediately, spinning the two of you around so that his back was to the bed and you were facing it.
He sat, keeping his hands on you, and you heard something - likely his knee - crack as he moved, spreading his legs to give you a chance to stand closer. You were unable to keep the smile off of your lips at the sound, though you also caught the roll of Joel’s eyes. “Yeah, yeah. I know, I’m an old man, and -” Reaching for him, you pushed the fingers of one hand through his hair, head shaking back and forth.
“Being old means being alive, Joel. Being here.” Moving as you spoke, you reached around and unhooked your bra, shrugging the straps down over your arms and then pulling it completely off. “That’s a good thing.” You wanted to know what it felt like to have the man undress you - those long, thick fingers sliding beneath straps and elastic, palms gliding up your sides and down your legs, but you had a feeling that there’d be plenty of opportunities for that later - and in that moment, all you wanted to do was show him all of you. “I’m right here. What do you -”
“Tell me if I’m bein’ too rough.” His voice like gravel, Joel didn’t look into your eyes as he spoke, both of them focused on your chest instead. “You gotta tell me, because -”
“I will.” Soothing him, you continued to stroke the man’s hair, watching as he leaned in and let the ridge of his nose nudge against the swell of your breast before he kissed between them, head turned slightly to one side. “You don’t need to worry about that.” The reassurance was all he needed, and suddenly Joel was a different man, large hands roaming over your torso, mouth leaving wet trails over the entirety of your chest as he moved between breasts.
He hummed in appreciation as he mouthed at your nipples, flicking his tongue out and over them before drawing them between his lips and sucking, the sensation unexpected but entirely pleasant. Joel’s beard only added to the moment - the gentle scrape of it over both damp and dry skin making it impossible for you to concentrate on any one thing. But I haven’t touched him yet. That’s not fair, it… Crying out as he gripped your thighs from behind, you pulled on his hair, Joel growling at the sudden pain and backing off. “C’mere.” You didn’t know what he meant at first, but then you felt him tugging on your legs, urging you closer to the bed until you could raise one, kneeling on the edge of the mattress.
“Gonna get comfortable, hmm?” He squeezed again, nodding with his face buried between your breasts, but when you pushed on his shoulders and urged him to lay back, he did so without questioning you. Ok, now what? It only took you seconds to decide, bringing your other knee up so that you were straddling one leg, your weight balanced on the bed - and above him. Bracing yourself with a hand on each of his arms, you leaned forward, taking a deep breath. “Then get real comfortable, Joel.”
You kissed your way up his neck and over his cheek, Joel lazily stroking along the backs of your thighs while you moved, and when you made it back to his lips, the kiss was messy,open-mouthed and more tongue than anything else. You didn’t care, though, losing yourself in the way it felt to finally have his hands on you, to feel him beneath you and to hear the sounds he made in unison with yours.
But when he raised his thigh enough to apply pressure between your legs, you outright moaned, Joel swallowing the sound at the same time he slipped one hand to the inside of your thigh, his knuckle dragging along the soaked material of the only scrap of cotton that you still wore. Oh, he fucking … You moaned again as you rocked your hips forward, seeking more friction and Joel smiled against your lips, adding a second finger to the first, though he didn’t try to push them intoyou.Rusty my ass. We haven’t even done anything yet and this is already better than…
You could feel him, hard against the outside of your leg, and without giving him a chance to react, you reached down, running your palm over everything you could touch and feeling the man’s muscles seize while you did it, his hips lifting off of the bed enough to push against your hand. “Please.” It was quiet, but you heard it, Joel’s request one that you never would have expected simply from looking at him, and so you obliged, parting the fabric with your fingertips and then slipping your hand into the open space, the edges of your nails making first contact. He grunted out your name when your fingers first wrapped around him, and then again when you freed him, the sound hitting your ear and going straight to your belly. “Oh, fuck.”
Taking that as a good sign, you tentatively stroked him, only glancing down a few seconds later to get your first glimpse of what you held. He curved slightly in your hand, the tip flushed, and you could feel that he was relatively thick - hot and firm in your hand, though his skin was soft. You wanted to taste him - wanted to shift down his body and take his length into your mouth, wanted to know what kinds of sounds he’d make at that, but you were frozen in place when he did push the material of your underwear to the side, sliding one roughened fingertip against your bare skin.
It was your turn to cry out, eyes snapping back to Joel’s face only to find that he was staring at you, his lips twisted upward into a half-smile that was mostly a smirk. “Fuck you, Joel,” you forced out the words as you moved your hand again, gliding from base to tip and back in one smooth stroke, the motion of your wrist as measured as it could be with him still touching you. “You… fucking…” Grunting quietly, you screwed your eyes shut as he lowered his leg back onto the bed, giving his finger more room to move. “Oh Goddammit.”
“I can keep touchin’ you,” he started, the words forcing your attention back onto his face. “Get you off that way, because I think you want me to.” I do. Very much. “Or we can take the resta these clothes off and -”
“Yes. That.” You hated how desperate you sounded, but you wanted Joel - all of him - and wanted him to know it. “I want -” He removed his hands from you and then used both of them to shift you off to the side, both knees moving against the bedspread as you found your balance. Joel stood abruptly, and though you tried to force yourself to look away, you couldn’t - watching as he pulled the gray material off, the man using one large hand to fist himself as he stood in front of you. Perfect height, he’s at the -
“Don’t you look at me like that.” One brow raised, Joel stepped closer, hand lazily moving. That’s the hand he used on me, which means that it’s wet because of … Eyes going wide at the realization, you parted your lips, waiting. “Take those off.” You did as he asked, scooting back on the bed and sitting back on your elbows before lifting your hips. When you were bared to him, you expected Joel to climb back into the bed, but instead he just stared down at you, chest rising and falling in a steady rhythm. “Wanted this for months.” He exhaled, blinking a few times. “Tried to tell myself I couldn’t have you, because -”
“You can have me, Joel.” You do have me. “I’m right here.” I’m not going anywhere. He climbed back into the bed then, letting go of himself and using both arms for support as he hovered over you. He didn’t kiss his way up your body, instead opting for taking a straight path to your mouth, one hand slipping between the back of your head and the blanket, fingers curling into your hair. It was a different kind of kiss - an urgent one, almost as though Joel was trying to use it to tell you something. “Let me show you how much I want you.”
If that was what he was trying to show you with the kiss, he was doing a good job of it. It didn’t fully distract you, though, from the way his hips rocked into yours, the man’s length sliding against your slick skin and leaving a damp trail in its wake, or from the way the skin of his lower back felt under your hands, fingertips skating over the poorly healed wound there before dropping lower. He was solid in your hands - present in a way that you knew had more to do with his overall personality than anything else, and in that moment - right before he eased off and separated his mouth from yours - you realized that everything you’d done to try and protect yourself since September 26, 2013 was at risk because of Joel’s arrival in Jackson. Twenty years, you thought as he hovered over you, eyes scanning your features. Twenty years and it all goes to shit because of a guy from Texas and … You lifted one hand, stroking along his brow as you drew your lower lip back and between your teeth. And that’s fine with me. “You ready?”
He was just as affected as you, though he was hiding it better - but you still nodded, taking a deep breath. As you widened the spread of your legs, Joel repositioned himself above you, the hand that had been in your hair used to lift his upper body while the other one snaked between you, once again wrapping around himself as he aligned with your entrance. You were ready - giving him a tiny nod, and when you felt him notch against you, you moved first, rocking your hips upward and then bending one knee for leverage.
He reacted almost immediately, hips thrusting forward enough to bury himself in your warmth. There was a stretch and a small pinch of pain as you adjusted to the sudden fullness, but it felt good, and you gave Joel another nod of approval to let him know. Oh, fuck that’s… great. You couldn’t speak, breath caught in your throat, but as soon as the man started to move, that changed, each inhale shallow, your breath leaving your body just as quickly.
The pace he set was steady, the snap of his hips against yours audible in the quiet bedroom. Joel’s mouth was in front of your ear, the man alternating between groaning and sighing, and even though you hoped that you’d be lucky enough to hear the same sounds well into the future, you filed them away, just in case. Arching your back to press your chest against his, you repositioned your hips as he pulled away. When Joel’s thrust met your body the next time, it was at a different angle, both of your hands gripping his back without delay - and then you felt it, the telltale stuttering of his hips, Joel’s quiet vocalizations growing louder, followed by a flood of warmth between your legs, the man dropping his face against the pillow to muffle the sound of his cry. Wait, did he just …
You didn’t let go until he moved again, the man pulling off - and out - of you without speaking another word, flopping onto his back and covering his eyes with one arm. “Fucking bullshit.” What?His words caught you off guard, the man’s lip curling up and into a snarl. “I’m sorry. That wasn’t…” He’s mad at himself. He’s mad because it wasn’t… Rolling onto your side to face him, you wet your lips, unsure of what to say. “Like a fuckin’ teenager. Who -”
“Joel.” Clearing your throat, you reached for him, letting your hand rest at the center of his chest. “Joel, it’s fine.” It was - you were surprised that he’d come so quickly, but he had warned you, and if you were being truthful, you were sort of proud that it had only taken him minutes to finish, so lost in your bodies moving together that he hadn’t been able to contain himself. “Joel, I mean it.” You moved without thinking, leaning over to press your lips against the scar on his shoulder, running your fingers over it after you’d moved away. Next was the place on the right side of his chest, a long and twisting one that required two points of contact from your mouth to really drive home the point.
“What’re you -” He pushed up onto his elbows as you backed away, eyes scanning his body. Stomach. Ribs. You moved quickly down the bed and tilted your head to the side to angle it in between his hand and body, lips landing on the reminder of what looked like some sort of knife wound. “That ain’t -” You ignored him, eyes moving over to the thin lines that traveled up the length of one forearm. Those.Lightly tracing them with one finger, you followed that with multiple kisses, willing yourself not to cry. Old means alive. “Why are you -”
“I don’t care if it’s five minutes or ten or fifteen, Joel.” You leaned over, not hesitating before you kissed the length of the scar on his abdomen, lingering on the thickest part of it as you squeezed your eyes shut. “I don’t care if you finish on me or in me or before I even touch you.” Returning to your position next to him, you watched as Joel’s head turned, the man facing you. “Things happen. And you have no reason to be upset with yourself because that only lasted for a few -”
“But you didn’t f-” Rolling your eyes you finally leaned over and got closer to his face, puckering your lips and kissing the final scar you’d chosen - the one on the bridge of his nose.
“Then you owe me two next time.” Raising your head enough to look down at Joel, you tilted your head to one side, resting your ear against your bare shoulder. “Nothing wrong with that, right?” He looked like he wanted to argue but instead just rolled his eyes, sighing. “And if you really wanted to, we could lay here and rest for a few minutes before we give it another go.”
“Alright.” He agreed almost immediately, one hand positioned at the center of his chest as he stared at the ceiling. “I’ll prove to you that I know what -”
“No.” Swinging your legs over the edge of the bed, you turned at the waist to look over your shoulder at Joel. “If you’re just trying to prove something, I don’t want it.” That was the truth - you wanted Joel to want to get back into bed with you because he wanted to, not because he was trying to prove that he had stamina. “And I have to admit,” you continued as you stood, mindful of the fact that you were still completely nude as you headed for the bathroom. “The fact that you got off so fast is a pretty good boost to my ego.”
He snorted in reply and you were happy to hear it, the small noise proof that Joel’s mood wasn’t completely ruined. It’ll be fine. When the door shut behind you, you flipped the light on and stared into the mirror, thinking. Everything up until Joel’s disappointment had been perfect - the man doing exactly what he’d promised by showing you that he was into you, the way he’d treated every inch of your body that he’d touched as if it were sacred, the trust he’d given you to touch him and then later to kiss the memories of his painful past like you’d been doing it for years instead of for the first time.
But you understood why he’d been upset, even if you didn’t share the belief that he needed to be. A few more minutes of hip thrusts - some light pressure from your hands or his, extra seconds of him grunting into your ear; you wouldn’t have had any issues getting off, too. There was nothing wrong with Joel’s technique; it had simply been too little time to let your body relax to the extent that it needed to.
Wincing as you swiped the cold cloth between your legs to clean yourself up, you finished what you needed to do and then rinsed the rag, folding it neatly on the bathroom counter. Alright I can’t just walk back out there naked, so… The only thing available was a threadbare towel, and so you wrapped it around your body, making a mental note to bring him some of the unused ones that you’d had stashed in your apartment for years as replacements.
Joel was standing when you reentered the room, his long legs covered in a pair of drawstring pants, a t-shirt held in his hands. “Thought we were going to have another -”
“Habit.” He looked over his shoulder at you, lips curving upward into a tight smile. “Don’t like bein’ naked. Somethin’ happens, I’d rather have some clothes on than none.” It was fair - a good point, even, and you knew that over time he’d likely relax that mentality, but it wasn’t your place to question it, especially in his house. And I slept with boots next to my bed and a bag packed for years, so I can’t blame him. “I got a pair of pants out for you, too. And you can use onea my shirts if you want, that way yours stays clean.”
Thanking him, you quickly dressed, taking him up on his offer for a shirt, but not bothering with your bra or underwear. You kept your eyes on the way Joel’s muscles flexed when he lifted both arms to pull the shirt on, the material catching on his head for a few moments before it came free. “I’m going to get that drink now, do you want anything?”
“I’m comin’ with you.” He followed you toward the door, but before you stepped through it, you felt Joel’s fingers close around your wrist, halting your movement. “Wait.” You turned at the sound of his voice, staring into his eyes. “Are you … sure that you’re not -”
“I wouldn’t lie to you, Joel. Definitely not about something like that.” Sighing, you rose onto your toes, pressing a kiss to the corner of his mouth. “Think of it as a challenge.” You bit your lip. “Every time, we try for a little longer until -”
“You’re gonna wish you hadn’t said that.” He squeezed your wrist once more and then let go, urging you forward with a hand pressed against your back. “When the sun’s coming up and we still haven’t gone to sleep.” No, I won’t.
You made your way back downstairs and into the kitchen, Joel digging through the refrigerator for a few seconds and asking if you wanted water or iced tea. Even though it was late, you both opted for tea, and while Joel poured it into cups, you hopped onto the island at the center of the room, heels knocking against the wooden cupboard doors. “I wish my kitchen was this open.” You spoke only when he handed you your cup, the man turning around to face you and leaning against the countertop next to your hip. “You have so much counter space and storage. And the light? Would be perfect in the daytime.”
“Tommy told me this place has been empty for years.” He swallowed a mouthful of tea, eyes on you. “You coulda moved in.”
“I like the privacy where I’m at.” Shrugging, you drank, too. “And I don’t need something like this, since it’s just me, but if you don’t have me over to cook something for you sometime, I’m going to be really upset.” He laughed, shifting his weight and leaning closer. “So…. Ellie seemed … excited that I was here tonight?” You lowered your cup, holding onto it with both hands and letting the bottom rest on one thigh. “What did you tell her?”
He was quiet for a few seconds but then laughed, swearing under his breath. Weird.“She was excited. She likes you. An’ I think she likes the idea of me an’ you, too.” You liked the sound of that - probably too much, but didn’t want to get too far ahead of yourself. “And I told her that I invited someone over for the night because I wanted to spend some time with ‘em.” But did you tell her who?She’d seemed a little shocked when she saw you, but he was right - she hadn’t seemed upset or annoyed, instead immediately teasing you. Hmm.“Didn’t tell her who, though. Told her to mind her own damn business, but she refused to leave ‘til you got here.”
“You’ve got a 16 year old screening your company, Joel?” He snorted, turning the sound into a cough. “I won’t tell anyone, but I mean that kind of thing might get you -”
“Think she was more makin’ surea who it wasn’t, you know?” He set his cup down and then reached over to take yours, too. “She knows about Penny.” The whole town does. “That little girl gives me more grief about shit than anyone else I know, so I guess I’m not really surprised, but still.”
“Well she left and went to Tommy and Maria’s, so I guess I got the Ellie stamp of approval, hmm?” Glancing down, you realized that you’d begun absently tracing your fingers over the back of his hand, his tanned skin much darker than the marbled surface beneath it. “I’m not going to make a big deal about this, Joel. Won’t tell people about you in the bar or the grocery store. That’s not -”
“Well if you do tell people about us?” He moved closer, the man’s breath warm on your skin as he closed the distance between you. “I’d really appreciate it if you tell ‘em all about what I’m gonna do with you when we go back upstairs and not -” Fuck.You didn’t need to hear the end of the sentence and so you cut him off with a hard kiss, nearly moaning into his mouth. He crushed his lips against yours, flipping the hand on the counter over to cover yours, and then it was his turn to step in front of you and between your legs, Joel unwilling to break the kiss.
It happened automatically - your legs winding around his waist as you scooted closer to the edge of the counter, and by the time he’d coaxed your lips apart with his tongue, there was no space between your upper bodies. He’d pulled his hand free, sliding both of them beneath the back of the shirt you wore to press his fingers into your skin and you were encircling his neck with both arms, eyes closed as you kissed him back. “You’re making it hard, Joel Miller.” Mumbling the words into the patchy hair of his beard when you both took a break to catch your breath, you didn’t pull away.
“Makin’ what hard?” It was a gamble and you knew it, but if there was ever a moment to take a risk, it was the opportunity to be honest with Joel - and so you did.
“Not getting ahead of myself when it comes to whatever this is and what I’d like it to be.” You wet your lips. “You said you have a bunch of shit to work through, and that’s fine. I get it. But you can’t just tell me that you’re going to try with me, and that you want to know me, and that you want people to know that you and I have -”
“What do you want outta this?” He backed off, gesturing between the two of you. “Most people just want -”
“I’m not most people.” You narrowed your eyes. “And for right now? Knowing that this can continue is about all I can hope for.” You looked away from him, letting your eyes wander around the kitchen for a few seconds while you thought. “I like being around you. And you said it yourself - that kiss the other night? The first one? It would have happened eventually, which means that tonight would have happened at some point, too. Because we both -”
“Wanted it.” He uttered the words at the same time you did, nodding his head. “Yeah. We did.” Joel said your name, stepping back between your legs and setting his hands on either side of your thighs, staring at you. “I’m not the guy that’s gonna fuck around on someone. End of the world or no, if I’m gettin’ to know you, that’s it.”You saw his jaw tic, the lines between his brows deepening. “You’reit.”
You couldn’t believe his words - that Joel was outright admitting that he wanted you and no one else, that getting to know you and sleeping with you would erase the time he spent with other women entirely. Is this really happening? “Ok.” You agreed, hearing the tremble in your voice. “Ok, Joel.” You didn’t know what was driving him to the admission - the talk of Tess from earlier, the things he’d wished that he’d had the opportunity to say to her or to Sarah or to any of the other people he’d known and lost, or just the fact that Joel was beginning to understand what Jackson meant,but you weren’t going to question it. Not now, anyway. “We should…” Closing your eyes briefly, you rolled your neck. “We should go back upstairs. It’s late.” The floor creaked as he shifted his feet, but Joel didn’t step away from you even when you opened your eyes and found his. “And you owe me a couple of -”
He pulled you off of the counter and then led you back down the hallway and to the stairs, his hands never leaving your body as he urged you up to the second floor in front of him, Joel’s quiet breaths filling the space around you. As soon as you made it to the upper floor, though, he spun you to face him and used one hand to tilt your head back, nodding. “This doesn’t have to be hard. Don’t want it to be.” He gave you a chance to speak but you chose not to, and so when he kissed you again, it felt final, like a decision had been made. And maybe it was.
You stepped backward and toward his bedroom as the two of you kissed, continuing to move with him until you felt the blunt edge of a piece of furniture against your lower back, the sound of something falling forcing the two of you apart. “Oh, shit!” Moving on autopilot, you reached for the picture frame, which was face down atop the dresser, flipping it upright and coming face to face with a much younger Joel, his arm around a child’s shoulders. Oh no.
“Thats my little girl.” He reached past you, fingers stroking over the smudged wooden frame. “Sarah. Scored two goals that day, they won the championship. Tommy brought this with him all the way from Texas, and it’s the only -”
“She has your eyes. Not the same color, but…” You saw the resemblance, even with Tommy. “Same shape. Same -”
“Took after her mother.” Joel’s right arm was still around you, and it tightened as he spoke. “Tommy always told her she was lucky causea that.” You couldn’t stifle your giggle, and even though you knew it wasn’t the right moment for it, you were relieved to hear Joel laugh along with you as he settled the picture back into its place. “She woulda liked you as much as I do.”
“Yeah?” You made eye contact with him again, the man’s expression slightly sad, though you could tell he was fighting through it. “Well if you were the one raising her, I’m sure I would have been a big fan of her, too.” He looked genuinely shocked at the comment, but didn’t say anything before he lowered his head again, kissing you softly, almost like he was thanking you for your words.
It was him that led you away from the dresser and back into the actual bedroom, Joel’s hands warm at your waist. And it was him, too, that pulled the shirt you wore over your head, dropping it before returning his hands to your body, sliding them down your arms and then over your stomach, fingers hooking into the elastic waistband before he eased your pants off, the man falling to his knees in front of you and only looking up when you’d stepped out of the flannel and he’d shoved it to the side. If someone had told you six months earlier that you’d have a man like Joel Miller kneeling in front of you and looking at you like he’d never seen anything he was more interested in, you would have told them that they were crazy. But I don’t want him on his knees.
Giving him a tiny shake of your head, you reached out, waiting for him to take your hand. “What’re… why?” It was time for another truth, and before you answered, you let your gaze fall from his face and to your joined hands.
“Wanna know what these hands can do.” Rubbing your thumb over his knuckles, you looked back up and winked. “You teased me earlier, and -”
He was on his feet before you finished, Joel ripping his shirt off and pushing you further into the room, your head turning to the side to gauge your position. You dropped onto the bed when you got there, scrambling back and to the center of the mattress as you watched him remove his pants, the man already half-hard again. At least I know he’s turned on. He crawled over your body as he got into the bed, Joel ducking his head down to kiss the inside of your knee and then higher, lips and beard moving slowly up the skin of your leg. When he made it to your thigh, he skipped a few inches, the next kiss aimed at your abdomen, just below your belly button.
You gasped at the sensation of his nose dragging against your sensitive skin, both hands going to his hair. When you tugged on it, Joel growled, speeding up his progress as he kissed his way up the center of your chest, your hands falling away from him and onto the blankets beneath you. Laying down next to you, Joel slid an arm beneath your body and urged you to rest against his chest. “You ready?” He nipped at your jaw and then kissed it tenderly, lips catching on your skin - but before you finished telling him that you were ready, Joel’s hand was between your legs, fingers flat as he touched you.
Crying out at the way it felt, you squeezed your eyes shut and inhaled through your nose, focused on the quiet murmur of Joel’s voice in your ear. He rubbed slowly, applying pressure on the backstroke of his fingers, and then after long moments, the man changed the angle of his hand, switching from three flat fingers to one - the slimmer digit gliding through you with no resistance. At the touch, you widened the spread of your legs and Joel hummed in approval, switching from broad strokes of his finger to tight circles. “More, Joel.” Your head lolled to one side, bumping against his shoulder and he did as you asked - adding another finger and a little more pressure.
You wanted to keep your eyes open, wanted to watch what he was doing to you, but you couldn’t, the feeling of him touching you too much, the words he spoke into your ear only adding to the overall stimulation. “Shoulda done this sooner.” He pressed a kiss to your temple, groaning. “Tell me what you need.” The circling stopped, replaced again with the pads of Joel’s fingers moving lower and then pressing lightly into you. “What you -”
“That.” Nearly gasping the word out, you nodded, hips jerking off of the mattress. “More of that, fuck,it feels -” He took the hint, fingers gliding into you deep enough that he could curl them before dragging them back out. “Keep doing that. Keep…” Your breaths turned into panting as he continued to talk into your ear, words blurring together as he alternated the movement of his fingers with the press and roll of the heel of his hand.
You had no idea how long he touched you for, but you knew that as time passed, you felt the pressure gathering in your lower body, heat building in your belly with every flex of his wrist. You were whimpering, hips rocking up and against his hand, but it was Joel’s words combined with the feeling of being filled with his thick fingers that did you in.
“C’mon. Let me feel you. Let me feel what it…” He paused. “Fuck, you feel good, you feel so… Goddamn…” That’s it. That’s… Toes curling and your entire body trembling, you sailed over the edge, Joel’s name spilling from your lips as one hand rose to grip his forearm, fingers tight around it even as he continued to guide you through your climax, the motion of his hand slowing but not stopping. “That’s it.” He was speaking into your skin again, lips moving along the crest of your cheek. “You’ve got another in you, I can tell.” Do I? He gave you a few moments to recover, but then Joel twisted his wrist, fingers finding a slow and steady rhythm as they pumped in and out of you, his thumb moving against the already sensitive spot beneath it, the added slick from your body decreasing any resistance that he might have found.
You wanted to be angry at him for being right, but you couldn’t be - especially when only a few minutes later, Joel’s nimble fingers coaxed another orgasm from your body, knees bending as your legs tensed up, head thrown back and your lips parted as you wordlessly reacted. How the fuck did he… The strength of it stole the breath from your lungs, and you were only dimly aware of the fact that you were digging your fingers into the meat of the man’s thigh, your other hand tangled in the blankets. Christ. He just … he…
Joel slowed the movement of his hand down and then when your body finally relaxed, he pulled it away entirely, though he didn’t make a move to reposition the rest of his body. “”Knew it.” He scoffed, nudging the side of your face. “Knew you could -” Finally gaining control over your body again, you rolled toward him, angling your head so that you could capture his lips in a kiss. It wasn’t that you were just thanking him, though that was part of it - you were anxious to have your hands on him, desperate to connect with him in another way, and so you pushed him onto his back, lifting one leg to straddle the man’s waist.
Bent in half at the waist as you knelt above him, you continued to kiss Joel, even as he tightened his grip on your hips, the man’s fingers spread wide. Your legs were still somewhat shaky, but you settled in, rolling your hips against his. Joel’s reaction was to meet that movement with one of his own, coating the length of him in what he’d just drawn from your body with his fingers. Breaking the kiss, you stared down at Joel, the man’s lips parted as he waited to see what you’d do next. “Feel real good from this angle, right?” Your hips moved again, Joel dragging them down so that they were as close to his as they could be. He didn’t reply, instead the man began to slowly rock his hips back and forth, the drag of him between your legs making you bite your lip.
“How’s that feel?” The sound of his voice was rough, Joel doing his best to keep it together, but you knew that he was close to breaking. “Feels fuckin’ incredible to me.” Yeah. It does. “Want my help?” He let go of your leg, raising the hand to your face and tracing over the full part of your lower lip with his thumb. “I need to -”
“I’ve got it.” You were still grinding against him, the feeling of him so close to where you wanted him most beginning to wear you down. “Gonna have to let me loose, though.” He immediately relaxed his grip and you let out a breath as you reached between you, rising up enough to lift him into place. “Go slow to start, Joel. Please. I want to get used to -” Assuring you that he would, you squeezed him once more, glancing down so that you could watch as he slipped into you.
There was no pain that time; the earlier encounter plus the slickness of your body made it easier for him to enter you. But you’d been right. The new angle allowed him to go much deeper, and you didn’t waste time sinking all the way down onto him, the backs of your thighs meeting the tops of his. He let you set the pace, eyes locked on your face, and you didn’t even try to hide your facial expressions as you moved, Joel filling you the exact way you’d hoped he would.
The hand near your face slipped down, Joel’s fingers trailing over the length of your arm until he could take your hand. What is he… But you figured it out quickly - the man lacing his fingers with yours and then urging you into an upright position with his other hand before he nodded. “Been thinkin’ about this all goddamn day.” You gasped at the admission, but still continued to move on top of him, rasing and lowering yourself slightly and circling your hips when you were fully seated. He squeezed both of your hands, wetting his lips as he looked up at you. “Do it. Know you want to.” You hadn’t expected Joel to be a talker in bed, but you had to admit that it was turning you on, the man’s deep, gravelly voice making you shiver, as was the intensity of his hooded gaze. Fuck it. I want to, and he wants me to.
You began to bounce up and down slowly, building up speed over time. The sounds of your bodies meeting mingled with your strained breaths, the glint in Joel’s eyes telling you that he was getting what he wanted, too. But after a few minutes, you realized that you’d leaned down again, sliding your joined hands up and toward his head, changing the angle back to one that gave you more leverage.
Letting go of his hands, you braced yourself with your forearms on his shoulders, and Joel surprised you with a single hard thrust, punching the breath from your lungs. That’s what he wants? Alright. You began moving in earnest after that, thrusting your body backward and then rolling your back and hips to find a rhythm. Fuck, yes. You hummed out in quiet approval, letting lost in the motion, but your eyes flew open at the sensation of his wet mouth on your chest, the man’s teeth and tongue working one nipple over.
He bit down at the same time his hands returned to your ass, but he wasn’t guiding you. Instead he was just holding on, Joel’s eyes rolling back in his head when he finally pulled his mouth away from you, head hitting the pillow. It was a marked change from the way he’d been with you earlier - the man still just as intense and focused, but able to control his body better, giving both of you a chance to enjoy what was happening instead of it ending too soon.
You felt the strength in him as you gripped his shoulders, speeding up the motion of your body. Joel was solid beneath you, the muscles in his thighs and lower body tight as he rocked up and into you, meeting each movement in perfect unison. You wondered if he could come that way, with you on top and maintaining the pace, and were suddenly overwhelmed with the need to find out, saying his name and waiting until he’d opened his eyes to continue. “Point proved.” Without breaking stride, you watched as his expression changed into one of confusion. “Fifteen seconds or fifteen minutes, remember?”
He got it immediately, nodding his head and letting go of you so that he could wind an arm around your lower back, the other hand moving to the nape of your neck, holding you in place. “Gonna give you what you want,” he grunted the words out, the snap of his hips more direct. “What you’re askin’ for.” Good.Closing your eyes at the feeling of him inside of you, you were dimly aware of the fact that he’d bent his legs to give himself more leverage, the man’s pace picking up while your own slowed, your body immediately giving him the go ahead to take control. “Still want me to come in-”
“Yes.” You gasped the reply, nodding even as his hold on you tightened. It was enough for him - the permission you gave him - and Joel’s thrusts came faster, though they weren’t any more shallow, the man’s angle hitting a spot inside of you that he hadn’t the the first time you’d been together. He’s going to make me come again. He’s going to… fuck. You cried out as you felt your body racing back to the edge, eyes opening again to find that Joel was staring at your face, though his expression was one that you weren’t expecting. The confusion had shifted into want, his lips parted and his eyes blazing. “Fuck, Joel -” Your nails dug into his skin and you were unable to look away, breath leaving you in quick, harsh pants that you knew he could feel over the skin of his cheeks.
With one final roll of your hips, the friction of your skin against his was too much, and you came with a cry of his name, your muscles constricting around him even as you fought to keep moving for his sake. Your entire body shook - knees wobbling with the effort of keeping yourself upright, and before your eyes slammed shut you saw the change in his expression again, the man hissing as his own eyes closed, the web of lines at the corners of them deepening. But Joel’s movement didn’t falter; he kept punching up into you without breaking stride. Even though your body was oversensitive, the evidence of your orgasm coating him - and the inside of your thighs - and making his motion smoother, you didn’t want him to stop.
But you did want him to come - and he didn’t keep you waiting.
You felt him tense beneath you after one particularly forceful thrust, Joel’s hips smacking against your thighs, and then he swore under his breath, the motion of his hips stopping briefly before he resumed. His strokes were short then, much quicker than they had been only moments earlier, and you lowered your head toward his, trailing your tongue over the side of his throat and feeling the tension of the muscle just beneath the skin. That was all it took and you felt him come again, his heat spilling deep inside of you, the motion of his hips momentarily stalled, though you could feel the pulsing of his muscles. Oh, fuck.
You went boneless a few seconds later, hands leaving his shoulders and your elbows hitting the mattress on either side of his head. You nuzzled against his neck as Joel’s hands fell away from your body and his lower half relaxed, too, both of you breathing hard. You could feel it - evidence of your releases leaking from your body where you were joined, and though you knew it was going to be an absolute mess, you weren’t concerned. Clean it up later. Right now I just wann
Rating: M - language, mentions of the events that occur within the TLOU universe, mentions of sex, talk of death, drinking
Warning: This gives away some of the plot points of TLOU. If you don’t want to know them, don’t read!
Summary: Accepting Joel’s invitation to come and visit - on your own - leads to some pretty deep thoughts. And after the two of you are alone in his house, those thoughts turn into conversation … and more admissions between you.
Author’s note:
This takes place immediately following Waiting For This Sky to Fall. I started writing and got carried away. As a whole, the thing sits at just under 20k with some left to write, and that’s entirely too long for a one shot, so I split it into 2. Like I said earlier - there’s plenty of intimacy, but no actual smut in this part… that comes next.
Song Suggestion: “Bonfire” by Third Eye Blind
The walk to Joel’s simultaneously felt like it took forever and no time at all.
You’d never gone straight there from your place before, and so you thought that that might have had something to do with it. You’d also never gone there alone, and you knew that that was the real issue.
But it’s not an issue, not really, because… He’d invited you. He’d explicitlyinvited you, only moments after he’d kissed you and warned you that he didn’t want to fuck anything up. You didn’t want to either, but in the day and a half that you’d had to think since you’d last seen Joel, you’d decided that the chances of that happening were slim to none.
Rating: M - language, mentions of the events that occur within the TLOU universe, mentions of sex, talk of death, drinking
Warning: This gives away some of the plot points of TLOU. If you don’t want to know them, don’t read!
Summary: Accepting Joel’s invitation to come and visit - on your own - leads to some pretty deep thoughts. And after the two of you are alone in his house, those thoughts turn into conversation … and more admissions between you.
Author’s note:
This takes place immediately following Waiting For This Sky to Fall. I started writing and got carried away. As a whole, the thing sits at just under 20k with some left to write, and that’s entirely too long for a one shot, so I split it into 2. Like I said earlier - there’s plenty of intimacy, but no actual smut in this part… that comes next.
Song Suggestion: “Bonfire” by Third Eye Blind
The walk to Joel’s simultaneously felt like it took forever and no time at all.
You’d never gone straight there from your place before, and so you thought that that might have had something to do with it. You’d also never gone there alone, and you knew that that was the real issue.
But it’s not an issue, not really, because… He’d invited you. He’d explicitlyinvited you, only moments after he’d kissed you and warned you that he didn’t want to fuck anything up. You didn’t want to either, but in the day and a half that you’d had to think since you’d last seen Joel, you’d decided that the chances of that happening were slim to none.
Hewas nothing if not practical, and after so long in Jackson, you understood the way things worked. Since very few people passed through the community and most that did chose to stay indefinitely, it was common for relationships to grow and shift before fizzling out, exes remaining in close contact with each other. Those connections were necessary to keep the town running at full strength, especially when people had met and grown close simply because they worked together.
There were outliers of course - a handful of people had chosen to leave rather than stay and be confronted with their pasts, and some couples that had gone their separate ways that made it a point to avoid each other at every opportunity. But that’s rare. As you turned down Joel’s street, a small bag containing DVDs tucked beneath one arm, you took a breath. And it won’t with him, even if … this goes nowhere.
You weren’t stupid - you knew that a few kisses and an admission of attraction weren’t a guarantee that you’d have any sort of non-platonic future with Joel. He seemed like the type of man that could engage in casual sex without getting emotional about it, scratching an itch and moving forward, business as usual. You’d done the same in the past, not wanting to deny yourself the necessary release, but at the same time, not allowing yourself to get emotionally involved with your partner of choice. That option had been your go-to after Charlie, preferring to keep yourself focused on routine and the day to day instead of letting yourself care so much about anyone that it altered your behavior and inevitably backfired on you.
And then Joel and Ellie came to Jackson. The more time you’d spent with the two of them, the more you realized that your resolve was being tested. The better you got to know them - together and separately, with Tommy and Maria and without, you knew that their arrival changed things. For me and for Jackson. They were assets in every way, and you counted yourself lucky to be welcomed into the inner circle, even before you’d realized that you were attracted to Joel. At the very least, you’d gained more people that you could count on, and if it went somewhere else? Even better.
Joel stopping over to check on you and everything that had ensued had flipped everything you knew upside down, though. You’d felt it before - the crackling, almost electric charge between the two of you when it was just the two of you, the easy way that you spoke to and joked with each other, the presence of something just beneath the surface that neither of you were willing to put a name to. Why then? Why did he … His house came into view, the steps and railing the first thing you saw, and without thinking, your footsteps quickened. It doesn’t matter. It happened, and now … I’m here.
Where things would go was an entirely different story, though. He’d invited you over to watch a movie, and you figured that you’d spend more time talking, a couple of hours exploring whatever the new phase of your friendship was before you headed home. He’ll offer to walk with me, you guessed as you rested your hand on the curved top of the railing. Because it’ll be dark.
But it wasn’t dark then, though the sun was on its way toward the horizon, and while the two of you hadn’t decided on an exact time for your arrival, you hadn’t wanted to head over too early. Or too late, because then people might think… You knew what people would think already, but you only cared about the opinions of a few of them. Very few of them. After taking and releasing a deep breath, you stepped up onto the porch, the wooden boards creaking slightly beneath your feet as you raised your hand to knock on the frame of the screen door that Joel had installed for the summer months. It’s just a movie.
You heard music - faint but audible, and you peeked inside, waiting for a response to your knock. “I’m in the kitchen!” At the sound of Joel’s voice, you sucked in a breath, hand freezing above the handle. He sounds … normal. For a moment, you were back in Illinois, and it was another Friday night of hanging out with friends, gathering at one person’s house until you could figure out what to do and where to go. But when Ellie peeked around the wall that led into the living room, her eyes lighting up, the illusion was broken. This will be interesting.
She stepped fully into the hallway as you entered, making sure the door was shut behind you before you spoke. “Hey, Ellie. I just came over to -”
“You’re here to hang out with Joel.” She was fighting back a smile, both arms crossed over her chest. “And you’re why I have to go to Tommy and Maria’s for the night so the two of you can be alone.”Here come the assumptions. Ellie was one of the people whose opinion you cased about, and so you immediately moved to diffuse the situation, wanting her to know that she didn’t need to go anywhere.
“You can stay.” Holding up the bag of movies, you moved your head back and forth. “You don’t need to go. We can all watch a movie, I brought -”
“Ew, no, and watch the two of you cuddle on the -”
“Ellie.” Joel’s voice was sharp, the man appearing in the doorway of the kitchen, a towel in his hands. “That is no way to talk to a guest.” Her eyes left your face and moved to his, but you saw the glint in them, realizing that if she’d been teasing before, it was only going to get worse with his intrusion. You’re in for it now.
“Sorry,Joel. Must have missed the day in school where we covered manners when we snuck out of Boston.” She shrugged her shoulders. “But am I wrong? Isn’t that what happens when you ‘watch a movie’ with someone? You -”
“Who you been watchin’ movies with to know that, hmm?” Joel raised an eyebrow. “You tell me so I know who I gotta talk to next time I see ‘em.” It was always a pleasure to watch the two of them interact, and it was impossible to contain your smile as they went back and forth with each other. If you didn’t know better, you would have assumed that they were actuallyfather and daughter, though Joel was quick to draw the line - and for good reason.
“Ugh.” Ellie rolled her eyes, dropping her arms and shaking her head back and forth. “Like I’d tell you, Joel.” Barely concealing your snort, you waited to see what she said next, but instead of speaking to Joel, she returned her attention to you. “I’m just fucking with both of you.” The girl winked, scratching the top of one forearm, a still healing chemical burn taking up a large portion of her skin. “And I’m spending the night over at Tommy’s, by the way. Won’t be back until tomorrow afternoon. That gives you plenty of -”
“Oh, Ellie. I’m just here to watch a movie. I’ll be gone in a couple hours. You don’t need to staythere.” Does that mean she assumes that I’m spending the night? Or… You didn’t know what to say to that, and so instead of speaking, you risked a glance at Joel, finding that he was staring at you, a curious look in his eyes. Does he want me to stay?
“Watch two movies then.” Ellie widened her smile, stepping past you and to the door. “I won’t know… or be here to stop you.” Before either you or Joel could reply, she was gone, the screen closing behind her and the two of you watching as she hurried down the stairs and toward the street.
“I don’t know where she gets it from.” He sighed at the end of his sentence, but you heard him step closer to you, stopping just behind where you were standing. “She likes givin’ me a hard time about every damn thing.”
“I have no idea where that might come from.” Slowly, you turned to face him, tilting your head back slightly so that you could look into his eyes. “She definitely doesn’t know anyone that -”
“Quiet.” His eyes were gleaming, bright with the laughter he was desperately trying to hold back. “I’m glad you came over.” Joel let out a breath, reaching for you with one hand. “Got a surprise for you, if you want it.”
“A surprise?” He nodded. “What is it?” You felt his fingers as they tightened against your shoulder, the hand holding the towel still down by his side. “You didn’t have to do anything. It’s just a movie, like I told Ellie.”
“Is it?” The man blinked, his eyes focused on your face. “Seems to me like this is a date.” Jerking his chin in the direction of the kitchen, Joel urged you to follow him. “C’mon.” A date? Ducking into the living room to set the bag down on the small table, you took a deep breath before making your way into the kitchen after Joel. You hadn’t even dared to entertain the thought that spending an evening at his house watching a movie would be anything more than friendly, but Joel had been the one to call it by a different name, filling you with hope.
“Does that mean that I have to wait til the end of the night to see if you’re going to kiss me, Joel?” You had no idea where it came from; your question far bolder than anything you’d ever said to anyone in the past. Oh, shit. He stopped between the island and the sink, his broad shoulders rising and falling before he turned to face you, movement slow.
“Hell no.”
He moved toward you with purpose, Joel closing the distance between your bodies in only a few steps, and when he reached for you that time, there was nothing tentative about it. One arm wound around your waist to pull you closer and the other hand settled against your shoulder, fingers curling over the top of it. He lowered his head while you tilted yours back slightly, eyes closing. I’ve been waiting to feel this again. His lips were warm, Joel humming quietly as your mouths met, and it took only seconds for you to relax into his hold. “You wanna touch me, touch me.” His words from the previous night on the mountain echoing in your ears, you did just that, running your hands up and over his lower back, the material of the shirt he wore soft against your palms.
Joel pulled away first, though he didn’t pull out of your arms, and you were surprised to see that he was flustered, the look in his eyes slightly off, even though he didn’t look away. “Six months.” Joel closed his eyes, head shaking back and forth slowly. “Six months ago, Ellie an’ me were still makin’ our way across the country, and we didn’t …” He trailed off. “And now I’m standin’ here in my kitchen, getting ready to watch a move with a woman I …”
“It’s a lot to take in, Joel. Especially for someone that was on the move as much … and for as long as you were.” You were familiar with the way people reacted to their first months in Jackson - the disbelief, the fear that it would all change at the drop of a hat, the discomfort at letting rigid rules and ways of life change enough to be comfortable.Joel was no different, and if what Tommy had told you over the years was true, it was going to take more than a few months to get Joel to a point where he was relaxed for longer than a few moments at a time. “There are still days where I think that this is too good to be true, but it’s not. We’ve been here for two decades, and we’re stillhere. I promise, the longer you’re in Jackson, the easier it gets.”
“Yeah.” He wet his lips, swearing under his breath. “Yeah, I know.” Distract him. It wasn’t the ideal situation, but you knew that it needed to be done, getting Joel out of his head and all the way back into the kitchen with you.
“You said you had a surprise for me?” He was still holding you, both hands tightening as you spoke. I like that. “What is it?”
“I do.” His eyes flicked to the right, toward the counter. “Probably not much of a surprise for you because you’ve been here, but…” You followed his line of sight and saw a bowl of dried corn, along with a small bottle of oil.
“Popcorn?” Unable to contain your smile, you rose onto your toes and kissed his cheek, and overwhelming feeling of appreciation for the man you were still getting to know surging through you. “Who’d you have to bribe to get that?”
“Maria.” Joel laughed, but the sound was affectionate. “And I didn’t bribe her, I offered a trade.” That made sense - there were plenty of things to trade including services and skills, and in the months that they’d been in Jackson, Joel had more than proven he was up to the task. “Got salt, too. But no butter. I -”
“Salt’s fine.” You didn’t know what else to say without getting overly sentimental. It was just supposed to be a movie, and if I keep talking, it’s going to … Joel was trying - very hard - to make the night special for you. You didn’t know if it was because he knew you were still upset about Josie, or if it was something else, but either way, you appreciated it. “And you’d be surprised, Joel, popcorn’s still kind of a luxury here. Most people don’t ration it the way Maria does.”
He busied himself with moving the kernels and oil and getting things out of the cupboards, pulling out a large cast-iron skillet and a pot lid, the man’s shoulders flexing beneath his t-shirt. Fuck, Look at him. “I haven’t ever cooked it like this before, so I hope I -
“I can help.” Tearing your eyes away from his back, you stepped next to him, taking a breath. “I don’t mind. I’ve been cooking in a cast iron for a lot longer than you.” He didn’t reply, and so you nudged him with an elbow. “You can do it next time.”
“Deal.” He stepped away, leaning against the counter beneath the wall shelves and crossed both arms over his chest. “Maybe next time it’ll be actual food.”
“I donno, Joel.” You twisted the knob to ignite the flame, positioning the skillet on top of it. “We’ll have to see how tonight goes first. A girl’s gotta keep her options open.” He snorted but didn’t speak as you poured the oil in, ears trained on the quiet sizzle. “Do you want me to make all of this?” He told you yes and so you poured everything into the pan, shaking it so that they spread into an even layer. Towel. I need a towel. Reaching for the one hanging from the cabinet handle, you covered your hand with it, holding the lid over the pot. The two of you fell into an easy silence, the sound of a dog barking reaching your ears through an open window.
It was comfortable in his house - with Joel - and you tried not to let yourself think about it too much. “I know you brought movies with you, but…” He shifted on his feet, scratching one arm without uncrossing them. “This house had a bunch of DVDs when we moved in, so -”
“I brought all comedies.” Shaking the pan lightly, the end of the towel wrapped around the handle, you looked over at him. “Wanted to laugh this week.” The kernels were starting to pop, the smell filling the kitchen. “Brought The Hangover 1 and 2, the newer Jump Street movie,Horrible Bosses…” You shook the pan faster, glancing over at Joel only to find that he was watching you intently. “Wedding Crashers andAnchormanare…” Trailing off, you frowned. “I don’t even know if you remember any of those, but I saw them on the shelf, and all kinds of memories came back, so -”
“I saw the first Hangovermove in a theater.” He cleared his throat. “Was on a date. Tommy offered to babysit for me. I can’t… remember her name, but she didn’t laugh as much as I did.” You recognized the tone of voice there, too - the man recalling things from before that he wouldn’t have had he not been in a position like Jackson offered. It still happened to you occasionally, so you knew how jarring it could be. He’s not alone.
“I think I did, too.” You continued to shake the pan, even though the popping had slowed. “Not with a guy, though. Friends.” Carefully, you lifted the pan off of the heat and set it on a cold burner, fully turning your head to look at him. “Got a big bowl?” He pushed away from the counter and bent over, reaching in to get one for you. “I’ll let you salt it, Joel.”
It felt normal, moving around the man’s kitchen with him, and you couldn’t stop yourself from reaching over one of his arms and snagging a few pieces of the popcorn before he’d had a chance to fully season them. “How’s it taste?” It was an opportunity - one that you weren’t going to pass up on, and so you lifted your hand to his lips, a few pieces between your fingers.
It was a gamble - you didn’t know if Joel would react - but only moments later, he did, leaning forward slightly to let you push the popcorn between his lips and into his waiting mouth. It was easily the most intimate thing you’d done with anyone in years, and as he began to chew, you pressed yourself against his back, chin on his shoulder.
It hadn’t been more than a half hour since you’d stepped foot into his house, but every minute that passed reconfirmed what you already knew: when it came to Joel, you were in trouble. It was more than attraction, more than interest - the level of comfort and ease you felt when you were with him was unfamiliar to you, and you could only wonder if he felt similar. He wouldn’t be letting this happen if he didn’t. “It’s real good.” He reached for your wrist with one of his hands, bringing your fingers back up to his mouth and pressing his lips against the pads of them, the tip of his tongue darting out to remove the salt there. “Guess I gotta keep you around, hmm?”
“Guess so.” I want you to. “I’ve got some very useful skills, Joel.” He laughed quietly, the man’s shoulder’s shaking. “Ready to go into the other room?” He agreed, waiting until you straightened up to hand you the bowl.
“Want a beer?” He gestured to the fridge, eyes on you. “Tommy said this batch is good, but -”
“Popcorn, a movie and a beer?” Widening your eyes and holding your free hand to your chest, you gasped. “Joel, you’re going to spoil me.”
“Guess that’s a yes, then.” While he reached for those, you headed back into the living room. Setting the bowl down next to the bag you’d brought, you spread the DVD cases out on the table, figuring that you’d let Joel choose. “Here.” He appeared moments later, holding out two cups. “Take these an’ I’ll get the movie goin’.”
You wanted to take a drink from one of the containers, but held off, instead settling back against the cushions and watching as he eyed the movies on the table. “You pick. I honestly don’t care what we watch.” His hand hovered over the cases, for long moments before he chose - The Hangover - and stepped toward the TV, turning everything on. Good choice.
“Mind if I sit with you?” He had one hand on his hip and his head cocked to the side as the DVD load screen popped up. “Know there’s a chair, but - “
“Plenty of room right next to me.” Giving him a smile, you shifted so that there was more room between you and the arm of the couch, staring up at him. “But only if you don’t mind me leaning up against you.” He didn’t speak, instead dropping onto the cushion and immediately throwing an arm around your shoulders, the remote held in that hand. Guess he doesn’t mind. You waited until he pushed play and set the remote down before you handed him one drink and then grabbed for the popcorn bowl, settling it into your lap.
The first part of the movie played without the two of you speaking - though you both laughed a few times, eyes focused on the screen while you periodically reached for the popcorn and sipped your drinks. You felt yourself relaxing, the apprehension about your visit disappearing as the movie went on. He kept his arm around you as you watched, Joel’s laugh rumbling through his whole body.
You felt a pang in your chest at the first sight of the brightly lit Vegas skyline, the streets crowded with people and cars, and for the first time since the movie began you spoke. “Did you ever go to Vegas, Joel?” He took a deep breath before he answered, his arm tightening around your shoulders briefly before it loosened.
“Once. Me an’ Tommy rented some Harleys on a birthday trip, rode across the country. Drove up north from Austin to Oklahoma City an’ then went west. Hit a bunch of places in New Mexico an’ Arizona, and then decided to spend a night in Vegas before we kept goin’ to LA.” It didn’t surprise you - you’d seen Tommy on a motorcycle more than once, and he’d mentioned riding out west when he was younger, but the thought of Joel on the back of a bike, carefree and enjoying a few weeks of adventure with his brother made your chest tighten further. “It was … busy. Loud. Lotta fun.”
“Wonder what it looks like now.” You cleared your throat, chewing on your lower lip. “Wonder if any of the hotels are still -”
“Probably. It was a QZ for a while, at least. We used to hear about ‘em in Boston. Good place to hide, y’know? Lots of beds and rooms for people to stay in. Easy enough to cut the rooms off from street level, keep people safe.” It made sense, and hearing the matter of fact way he spoke about one of the world’s former most popular places to visit was yet another reminder of everything that you’d lost - of everything that had ceased. “Gotta be hard, though. There’s not much water. Be hard to grow crops or keep animals alive there.”
“I didn’t even think of that.” Your eyes were back on the screen, watching as the group started trying to piece the previous night together. “You’d think it would be saferbecause it’s in the middle of nowhere, and nothing could survive outside of the walls, but then … surviving inside could be just as hard.” You realized it then - how lucky you were to have made it to and stayed in Jackson. It got cold in the winter, sure, but there were plenty of natural resources, the opportunity to grow and raise your food in the wild, and the mountains shielded much of the city from danger in at least one direction. “Still, though … would be fucking cool to see, right? Even without the lights. All those machines and the money? Chicago had some really tall buildings, but I think after so long, seeing so many would…”
You trailed off, thinking. Idaho Falls and Salt Lake City were the two largest cities you’d laid eyes on since your arrival in Wyoming, and none of them compared in scope or scale to ChicagoorVegas. “It would.” He shifted next to you, sliding lower on the cushions, his face closer to level with yours. “We’d be rich after about ten minutes. Breakin’ into one of the casinos for more money’n we could carry.” It would be worthless, but you aren’t wrong. Turning your head toward his, you laughed, meeting his eyes. “Be as rich as all these actors used to be. Millions of dollars just for showin’ up to work and readin’ a script.”
“Some of them were really good, Joel!” Clicking your tongue at him, you waited while he rolled his eyes. “Oh, come on. Bradley Cooper was funny.And he’s not in this one, but Charlie whatever his name was, the one from Horrible Bosses that was in that comedy show, too? He was great.And then you had people like Hugh Jackman, and Brad Pitt and Nicolas Cage, and -” Holy shit I haven’t thought of any of these names in a long fucking time.
“Jennifer Aniston was real good looking.” He raised an eyebrow. ‘You been namin’ a lot of guys, but -”
“Not the ones that I think are … were attractive, Joel, just…” Taking a moment to think, you wrinkled your nose. “Yeah, alright. A lot of them were pretty good looking, but -”
“What was that one’s name? She…” He frowned, thinking. “She was in those superhero movies? Normally blonde, but I think she had red hair, and -” He wet his lips, glancing down at your body and then back up. “Big chest, and -”
“You definitely did not like her for her acting, Joel.” Rolling your eyes, you scoffed. “I can’t remember her name, but I know who you’re talking about.” He hummed in agreement and the two of you went back to watching the movie, but after a few minutes, you interrupted the silence again. “Do … you think any of them made it? The ones from Hollywood, I mean. The famous people from before?”
You didn’t know why you were asking. In the grand scheme of things, it didn’t matter. If celebrities or other public figures had survived, you’d probably know nothing about it, especially after the collapse of communications across the world. There was no more phone, no more Internet. You had no news broadcasts on TV, and there certainly weren’t blockbuster movie releases. They would have just been surviving… like us. “I’ve never come across any.” His hand was moving slowly over the top of your arm, fingers massaging the meat of your shoulder. “Not on the way from Texas east, or even in Boston.” He paused. “Not on the way here with Ellie, either.”
“Me either.” Shifting, you tilted your head to one side, letting it rest against his arm, your right hand settled on his knee. “We didn’t leave Illinois til almost a year after the outbreak, though. So by then… by then most people were …” Turned. Changed. Gone into hiding. “And we tried to avoid people on the way here.”
“Smart. You said you went north first, right? Wanted to go around Kansas?” He remembered. It made your heart pound that he’d remembered the detail of your trip west and why, and you told him as much after confirming that he was right. “Middle of the country’s no fun no matter what route you take. Was impressed when you told me ‘bout your trip.” Yeah?“Bet some of ‘em made it. The ones that had places to go and hide, away from everyone? Might not have made it to now, but they probably survived a while before they had to come outta their safe houses an’ try to find food and all that.”
It was a sobering thought - that people like you and Joel and Tommy and Maria had outlasted so many others, including the ones that had formally been considered untouchable. “Maybe they’re all still in places like New York and California, or on those little private islands off the coasts of bigger countries.” He shrugged.
“New York City’s gone.” Joel’s tone was flat, and you knew that he wouldn’t say much about it. “Me an’ Ellie… we passed it. And … there’s no people there. Not anymore.” It was chilling, but you trusted that he was telling you the truth - because he had no reason to lie to you about it. “Lots of shit’s gone, right?”
“We’re not.” You tightened your fingers against his leg. “But I didn’t mean to make this sad, Joel. I just started thinking about all of this because of the movie.”
“Why are you apologizing?” He said your name, waiting until you’d angled your head so that you could look at him, to continue. “I’m the one that brought up my date, so I opened the door.” You opened the door to your past, not world history. “And besides, we’re all from different places, seen different things in the last 20 years. I know shit you don’t, so…” He was right, but you still stayed quiet, even though you didn’t lift your head from his shoulder until the movie ended, Joel laughing as the credits rolled. “That the kind of stuff you have on yourcamera?”
“Absolutely not. Not even before the outbreak, when I was in college. My friends and I had fun, but not that much fun.” You were sitting straight up, Joel’s arm removed from your shoulders for the first time in nearly two hours. “And I never got a chance to make it to Vegas, so … no, Joel. No strippers, professional boxers, zoo animals or drugs on my camera. Sorry to disappoint you.” He looked like he wanted to say something in response, but instead the man only stood up, holding his hand out to you. What?
“Come on, let’s sit outside. Got a porch, and it’d be a shame not to use it.” You had doubts, but still stood, stretching your arms out above your head. “Need anything?” No, not right now.
“I’m good for right now, thanks. Maybe before I leave.” You didn’t know when that would be, but figured it wouldn’t be late, and since the movie was already over you didn’t want him to think you were overstaying your welcome. He led you out the front door and onto the porch, gesturing for you to take a seat at the small table - much like the two of you had done on your balcony earlier in the week.
It was still nice out, and even though the sun was completely down, the dark gathering around the town, you could feelthe calm around you. Joel sat first, the porch light behind his head, but the man didn’t look at you, instead staring out and into the darkness of the street. “You know you don’t have to leave.” He slowly turned toward you, lips pushed out into an expression that was half scowl, half frown, the lines between his brows deep. “If Ellie’s gonna be gone all night, there’s not a -”
“The neighbors will talk Joel.” Gesturing with one hand, you rolled your eyes. “A woman staying the night?” You were trying to lighten the mood, winking at the end of your sentence. “I’m sure they’d all have a -”
“Let ‘em talk.” He wet his lips.”Ain’t like you an’ me are gonna put on a show on this porch, so … they’ll have to make up anything they say.” Biting back a smile at that, you eyed him, waiting to see if he’d say anything else. “I wasn’t kiddin’ the other night when I said that I didn’t plan on this.” He used one large hand to indicate the space between you, and all you could do was nod. “We’ve only been here a couple months, and I’ve just been … tryin’ to get settled. Get to know some people, figure out if we can -”
“You and Ellie can have a life here, Joel.” You interrupted, though it wasn’t unkind. “Even if this goes nowhere, or… if it does and it doesn’t work out. As long as the two of you want to be here, Jackson can and will be your home. I told you that when I gave you guys the tour, and I meant it.” He watched you silently, dark eyes fixed on your face. “You found your brother again. Anything else that comes from this is just …” You paused, wanting to get the expression right, even though you hadn’t used it in years. “Frosting on the cake. Wait, that’s not… icing on the cake.”
“This is already goin’ somewhere, though.” He looked torn, and as he continued to speak, you realized it was because he wasn’t used to being so honest with his emotions. “You’re here, in my house. We’re friends. This isn’t… it’s not just …”
“Things are different now.” You knew that you didn’t need to tell him that, that the man knew that sex and friendship and everything that came with it were vastly changed from the way they’d been before. But he needs to know. He needs to hear it from someone that’s lived it the way people here have. “It’s not … yes. I feel differently about you than I do about the other people that have come to Jackson throughout the years. I’d like it to be more, to see what happens between us over time. And we could do that here. We could get to know each other, have nights like tonight, or go and have a drink at the bar, or even go out on rides and patrols together. But we don’t haveto.”
“What are you sayin’?” He leaned in, twisting in his seat so that both elbows were on the table between you. “Because I don’t -”
“Jackson’s safe, Joel. Probably one of the safest places in the country, to be honest, but shit still happens. People still get sick, or bitten or lost. People still get angry and hurt. And a lot of people use those things as excuses not to get close. It makes sense. Why get close to someone if the chance that you’re gonna lose them somehow is high?” Pushing your tongue into your cheek, you thought for a few seconds. “It’s easier to be with someone if the stakes aren’t raised. Take emotions out of the equation. It’s just sex. It’s just physical. It’s just … a transaction that meets a basic human need. People here do it all the time. Tommy and Maria are an exception. They fell in love and got married, but they know the risks of going that far, just like we all do.”
“You sound like you’ve been on both sides of this.” He blinked. “Am I right?” You thought of Charlie then, the way that the man’s eyes hadn’t given anything away when he’d told you he was leaving, his voice firm but resigned as he explained what the next part of his life would involve.
“Yeah.” Covering your mouth with one hand, you averted your eyes, looking down at the uneven boards beneath your feet. “Yeah, I have.”
“Do you wanna tell me about it?” It was uncharted territory for you, and you knew it. Joel asking about your previous relationships was personal, just as him telling you anything about his in more than passing mention would be. “You don’t have to, but -”
“I’ve been with a handful of guys since I got here.” Rip the bandaid off. Just do it. “Most of them just like you and Penny - just because we both needed it and it was convenient. It was… I was a little reckless when I first got here, still reeling from losing my sister, and feeling like Jackson wouldn’t last, or that my time was limited. There were still people coming in and out then, people that would stay a few weeks or months on their way to wherever, and …” You shrugged. “There were still condoms then, too. Birth control. Plan B. Stuff like that was easy to find, especially in a place like this because it never … Jackson wasn’t ever vacant or looted, and it was easy enough to go out into the hospitals and stuff around here and get the extras. No one was stealing birth control implants or morning after pills or condoms, because they were focused on actual medical supplies.”
“Makes sense. Whenever we were goin’ through stores and buildings, there was always the same stuff left, the shit that wasn’t useful to people except in a handful of situations.” Nodding in reply, you took a deep breath.
“Yeah. But eventually that all expired. Condoms first. Then the pills. People started having to be more careful with what they did and who they did it with.” You grinned at Joel. “I was one of the lucky ones that had gotten a copper IUD a few months before the outbreak. I knew that I was good for years, but I was always extra careful, you know?” You wrinkled your nose. “The last thing I wanted to do was put myself or anyone else in danger because I got myself pregnant while we were trying to fortify this place.” He nodded, still studying you. “And, just as an FYI, Joel, I do still have an implant in. It’s newer, the third one, actually, and even though it was technically expired, since it’s non-hormonal, there’s nothing to gobad. It’s sort of an untested theory, but the doctors here, with everything they’ve read? It should still be effective to a degree.”
“You tellin’ me you want to test that out?” He smirked at you, one eyebrow raised. “Seems kind of dangerous.”
“It is. But, I’m not the only one that’s chosen to keep replacing them like this. So far, none of us have gotten pregnant, and some of them are having a ton more sex than I am. We’re doing our own clinical trials in Jackson, I guess. A few women have gotten their tubes tied since the world went to shit, but we don’t like doing unnecessary procedures here, so… it is what it is, and it’s … good to have some peace of mind in case of accidents.” The time for jokes had ended, and you knew that it was time to bring Charlie up by name - getting into the difficult part of the conversation. “And as for testing it?” Using one knuckle, you rubbed at the bottom of your nose, taking a breath. “It’s been years since I’ve done that, because it’s been years since I was with anyone that I’d take a chance like that with.”
You didn’t know how he’d respond to that, but Joel let out a quiet “oh”, his eyes going wide. It hadn’t been that long since you’d been with anyone, which you were quick to tell him, but none of the men since had meant as much to you as the man you’d been with for nearly two years, the dark-haired charmer just a little younger than you that had shown up with a small group a decade after you’d gotten to Jackson. The first man that I think I loved.
“Charlie was from Erie, Pennsylvania. He and a bunch of other people managed to survive for years without leaving the area because they were able to fortify a state park. It… It was like a peninsula, and they isolated themselves from the mainland, kept infected and dangerous humans from crossing. They built houses, got food from the lake, and were able to go back and forth when they needed for supplies by boat and by car.” Joel nodded, listening intently. “They traded with another group that had done the same thing on the other end of the lake, the western part of Ohio? I guess there’s some small islands out there, so they had a good thing going between them for a long time.”
“Why’d they leave? Seems safe and pretty convenient.” It was.
“There was a really bad storm one winter, and a lot of what they built got destroyed. They tried to rebuild, and couldn’t, so they made the decision to leave, to try and see if the people on the other islands had room for them. It was only about fifty people, but… they couldn’t take everyone in. And so Charlie and some others kept moving west. They didn’t want big cities, and they were trying to make it all the way to the west coast, because there’s no ice storms there. But when they got to Jackson, they … they decided to stay.”
“And that’s when you met ‘em.” You nodded. “Had to be a hard trip. Especially so late on.” Joel frowned. “But you’re not with -”
“Everything was good. It was nice to have new people around again. More help. It doesn’t seem like a lot, but ten new people coming in changed so much for us. We had the room, we had the supplies, and we finally had another real doctor. It was … a good few years.” It had been. For the first time, you’d found true happiness, a reason to get up each day that wasn’t just survival. “I met Charlie the same way I met you - giving them a tour of the city, but I didn’t even try to hide how interested I was in him from the beginning. We hit it off. I lived closer to downtown then, and he was in the same building as I was, so we saw each other all the time. I thought … for a while, that we’d end up like Tommy and Maria, but … it didn’t get to that point.”
“What happened?” He reached out, taking your hand and running his thumb slowly over the back of it. “He get -”
“He left Jackson.” You swallowed the lump in your throat, though it was smaller than you’d thought it would be. “We were together for two years, and then he just … left.”
“Left?” Joel’s confusion was nearly tangible. “Why?”
“He never gave up on heading west. Never gave up on getting to the coast. He asked me to go with him, said that we’d be happier in a place where it never got cold, that there was no snow, that we could wake up every morning and see the ocean.” You wet your lips before they twisted into a sarcastic smile. “Said that we’d only have to fend off attacks from one direction instead of every direction, and that he was leaving Jackson with a small group that wanted the same thing.”
“But you didn’t go.” I didn’t. “Why?”
“This is my home. Maria is my family. I loved Charlie, but not … not enough to try my luck for another thousand miles without knowing what was waiting for me there.” You often wondered what had happened to the man and the group - wondered if they’d made it to California, wondered what they’d found there. “It’s safe here. We have a community. I have a life. I gave that up once because I had to, to survive, and I didn’t want to do it again. Ever.” You didn’t blame the man for leaving. You couldn’t, because you understood the appeal, understood what it meant to see the ocean again, to go as far as you could across the country and make a home in a place where there wouldn’t be snow or ice or as many people or threats. “But he was the last person that I really let myself get attached to, Joel. And now I don’t know what happened to him. I watched him walk out of the main gates and he didn’t even look back.”
“Well, you and I know it’s possible that they made it to where they were goin’.” Joel squeezed your hand. “We both made it all the way across this damn country, so there’s no reason to think they didn’t make it the rest of the way.” You liked to think that - liked to picture Charlie waking up every day and looking out at the Pacific with some of the others nearby. “I’m sorry that he left you here.”
“I didn’t think he would. I guess I really…” You frowned. “No, I hoped he wouldn’t. It was nice not being alone, knowing that someone cared about me. But it’s been years since they set out, and I’m still here, never had any interest in heading out after them, so…” So I guess I didn’t want to be with him as much as I thought.
“There was a woman, after the outbreak?” Joel pulled his hand from yours, running his fingers through his hair and then gripping the back of his neck. “I tried not to let myself get attached to anyone becausea what happened to my daughter and how much that fuckin’ hurt.” He’d mentioned Sarah by name to you previously, and Tommy had also spoken about her, but you knew not to press. “And for a while, I didn’t. Did the same as you. Sex was sex and it didn’t last, most people were gone after a few days or weeks, but when we got to Boston? Met her and everything … it was all different.” Boston? A woman? Does he mean - “Tess an’ I worked well together. We got along. She understood my sense of humor, and didn’t take shit from anyone. I liked her. Before we even got anywhere near a bed, I liked her.”
Joel was staring out into the darkness, one thumb rubbing at the knuckle of the other as he held his hands together. It was a difficult subject for him, and you knew that whatever he told you came at a price for the man. Ellie liked Tess. They started out together, they… You knew that she’d died before the trio had even left Boston, but hadn’t gotten all of the details. Might get them now.
“She called me Texas. Donno when that started, but I remember she called me Texas one day while we were out on a supply run, and it … I kissed her. Came outta her mouth and I just went for it, and after that that’s just the way it was between us. We never called it anything, and it didn’t change how we worked together, but I think she loved me, and I loved her… and I think we shoulda said it but we never did.” Shit. I called him that same thing when we first met, but it was just because that’s what I called Tommy in the beginning, too.
“I’m sure she knew.” It was your turn to reach out, one hand settling on the man’s arm. “Even if you didn’t ever say it, I’m sure she knew.” How could she not? You could see the pain etched into his features as he spoke about the woman. Even though you’d only known him for a little while, and you were certain that things had been different when he was in Boston, there was no way he’d been able to keep everything from a woman that he’d had an extended relationship of any sort with. Because he can’t do it with me now and he’s only known me for months.
“I wanted to tell her. Was going to right before me an’ Ellie … when she said she’d stay behind to give us a chance to get out, but she …” He curled his lip, drumming his fingers on the table. “She asked me to make it easy for her because she knew she was already done, and so I didn’t. Because if I’d said it, she would have said it back and then -” Then you never would have left her, and you might not have made it here.
“That’s love, Joel. She did something selfless for you and Ellie. She knew. If she said that to you, she knew exactly what she was asking you not to say.” The man’s feelings for the woman were still raw, and you knew it would be that way for a long time. It’s barely been a year. “I’m sorry you lost her. I think she would have liked it here. She would have fit right in the same way you and Ellie have.”
He stared at you for a few moments, the man’s eyes focused, brow furrowed deeply. What? What did I say? It was the truth - and if he’d shown up with a woman, you would have simply done your job and introduced them to the community, helping them to get settled and start their new lives together. You would have found him attractive, of course, but you wouldn’t have acted on it, which would have put the two of you into a very different set of circumstances. “She would have. Would have been real different for her here than in Boston, though.” That was also true, but over time, they would have both adjusted, falling into the daily routine with relative ease. “She woulda liked you. You would have gotten along real well.”
“Maybe.” Raising both brows and blowing out a breath, you crossed one leg over your knee, pulling the hand that was on his arm back. “Maybe not. Women have a 6th sense, Joel. And It’s no secret that I’m attracted to you, so even if I wouldn’t have done anything about it, she might not have been too happy to know.” He laughed then, the sound carrying away from you and into the darkness. It was a good sound, loosening the tightness in your chest that had been slowly growing over the course of the conversation. “Thank you for telling me about her, though. I feel like … I know you a little better now.”
“Yeah.” He scrubbed a hand over his face, letting out a quiet cough. “Guess you do.” The two of you sat on the porch, a slight breeze blowing through the dangling pieces of his wind chimes and creating a gentle tinkling noise. It was peaceful, even though you didn’t know what to say next, and as you replayed the conversation in your head, you lifted one hand to the side of your neck, gripping it.
You’d both shared something deeply intimate about yourselves that night, blurring the last line of defense that you had up between the two of you further. Tess and Charlie. Me telling him about the people I’ve been with. Talking about how we see relationships and attachments. “You’ve got no plans of leaving Jackson, do you.” It wasn’t a question, but you still answered it as though it was. “You said you loved Charlie and you still -”
“If I had to leave, yeah. I want to live, Joel. So if it was a matter of life and death, yes. I’d be out of here as fast as possible. But for something uncertain? For a chance of something different somewhere else? No. Going to California isn’t as simple as getting on a plane and then coming back after a couple days at Disneyland. That’s a commitment. Going that far from here means never coming back. And all of the people and things that I love are right here in Jackson, so why would I go anywhere else?”
“You said you loved him, and he’s not here anymore.” Joel wasn’t pulling any punches, and you respected him for it, though it didn’t make the man’s statement any easier to answer.
“He’s not. And I did. I won’t lie, Joel, it hurt for a long time, but I got over it, and now it’s just … another leaning experience in a long, long line of them. I hope they made it. And I hope he found someone out there that he can spend the rest of his time with, no matter how long that time is.” Too much. You stood, raising a hand to point at the front door. “If it’s alright, I’m going to in and get something to drink real quick before I go home. This whole conversation changed the -”
“You can get whatever you want to drink, but I meant it - you don’t need to leave. You can stay. We’ve got plenty of movies to pick from if you want to watch another one, or there’s a couple board games in the closet. I even think there’s a full deck of cards in one of the kitchen drawers.” He wants me to stay. Even after all that. He wants me to stay here with him.
“Joel…” Closing your eyes, you inhaled, holding your breath. “This is all new for both of us, right?”
“Yeah, I haven’t had much time to date over the past couple years, especially with bringin’ Ellie from Boston, so…” He looked up at you, head cocked sharply to the side. “Sorry if I’m a little rusty when it comes to makin’ small talk.” It was a good sign - he was still trying to joke with you, to lighten the overall tone of the situation, especially after both of you had dredged up difficult parts of your past in a relatively short period of time. This isn’t going to happen overnight. He needs time to get used to being here. He needs time to figure out how he feels about the idea of… trying to live normally.
You leaned against the door frame, letting your eyes wander to the road and then back to him, one arm crossed over your belly, hand holding onto your opposite elbow. “This is a good thing, you know.” You saw the confusion on his face, nodding as you continued. “Joking. Flirting. Having a movie night -”
“Me an’ Ellie have movie nights all the time. She didn’t get to see a lot of them in Boston, so I’m showing her the ones I can, somea my favorites.” Good.“But… yeah. I know what you mean.” He stood then, taking a few cautious steps toward you and running one hand through the hair at the back of his head. “I want … to believe that this can last. That this place is going to be better than Boston or Texas or anywhere else I’ve been in the last 20 years.” He closed his eyes, frowning. “I want to be like you, like Tommy an’ Maria. I want to give Ellie a place to grow up where she can be a kid for a couple more years at least.”
“This is that place, Joel. This is the best chance that I know of for that. It happens for all of us eventually. The danger isn’t gone, but it’s… less. Jackson isn’t perfect, and neither are the people, but if you stay here long enough, you… you’ll wake up one day and just feel… better. About everything.” That was true, too, and you needed him to know it. “I’ve been here, I’ve seen it. And I’ve seen the way you and Ellie are now compared to the way you were before, and there’s already a difference.”
“You helped. Both of us.” He moved again, closing the distance and partially blocking the light from behind him. “Showin’ us around. Being at Tommy an’ Maria’s. All those times we talked in town or at your place.” Joel wet his lips. “It’s been a long time since I’ve been around anyone for long enough to start trustin’ them, but you have no reason to lie to us, so… I trust you. And that means Ellietrusts you, too.” Good.“I understand if I crossed a line today, when I took a crack at your -”
“You didn’t. It’s the truth. He’s not in Jackson anymore, and it doesn’t do me any good to worry about where he is now or how he’s doing.” That was something that had taken you months to admit to - and even longer to be okwith. “I loved him, but we didn’t love each other enough to figure out a way to make it work. He moved on - so I had to, too. We made our choices, same as everyone else.” And now… “And now I’m here, and you’re here, and we’re standing on this porch together.”
“We are.” You realized with some surprise that while you’d been speaking, you’d reached out, linking your fingers with his, the man’s palm dwarfing yours as they pressed together. “And I’ve got nowhere else I plan on goin’.” You didn’t know what he was angling for with his final comment, but it still filled you with hope. He’s telling me he’s staying just like I told him I planned to. If Joel was talking about staying in Jackson permanently, that was a good thing. He wants Ellie to grow up here. He wants her to have a life. He doesn’t want to be on the move anymore. “Well… except for the places I’m told to go, y’know? Supply runs and patrols, and -”
“We’re all at the mercy of Tommy and Maria Miller’s instructions.” You rolled your eyes, leaning closer. “Especially when it comes to Jackson.” His lips curved upward into a smirk, Joel winking at you as he tightened his fingers around yours. “But that’s good to know. I’d hate to see you ride out of here again not knowing if you planned on coming back.”
“Why’s that?” His voice dropped slightly, the sound thick and slow, his accent more pronounced and reminding you of the way that Tommy’s had been when he’d first arrived. I hope he never loses that.
“I’d like it if you stayed here for a long time, Joel. You and Ellie, but…” You raised your free hand, pressing it to the center of his chest. “Definitely you.” He stared down at you, chest rising and falling beneath your hand. “I want to stay here tonight. And I’m happy to do that even if it’s just watching another movie and falling asleep on the couch with you.” Here goes nothing. “But I’d prefer your bed, because…” He surprised you, pulling his hand free from yours and sliding it along your hip, his fingertips resting just inside the top of your back pocket. “Because we’d both enjoy it. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned through all of this, it’s that if you wait for things to happen, they sometimes don’t.” You flexed your fingers, gathering the material of his shirt between them. “So I’m being direct with you and telling you that if you want to go to bed with me tonight, I won’t turn you down.”
It was quite the shift in conversation, but it was something that you felt needed to be said. You’d been interested in Joel for months, the kisses you’d shared on the mountain doing nothing but stoking the flames and making your desire burn hotter, especially with the man right in front of you.”I’m no good at this.” He sighed out the words, lowering his head slightly so that he could speak into your ear. “Wasn’t lyin’ when I said that I was rusty. With Penny, it -”
“I’m not Penny. You don’t need to compare us.” It stung, even though you knew that it shouldn’t have. “And she didn’t complain. Talked all about you at the bar, seemed more than happy to go back a second time, and definitely wanted a third, too.” Swallowing hard, you forced a smile. “So whatever it was you did, it was something righ-”
“I ain’t comparing you to her. And just because I showed her a good time doesn’t mean that it was right.” He said your name, his fingers curled against your skin. “Don’t know her. Didn’t really want to, or try to. And if that makes me an asshole, it is what it is.” You felt for the woman at his admission, but at the same time didn’t,because she’d gotten a Joel that you never would: the man raw and needy from months on the road, desperate for the comfort of someone’s arms just to relieve the tension, even a little. “I’m trying with this. I want to. With … you.”
That froze you - the man’s voice strong, words earnest - the slight inhale before he said the final one cutting straight into your heart, where it had no business being so easily. I know you are. I can tell. And I appreciate it. “Say the word, Joel.” Your heart pounding against the back of your ribs, you focused on his face, the man’s eyes boring into you. “Tell me that you -”
“No.” It was sharp, his voice raised slightly as he pulled you even closer. “Not gonna tell you. Let me show you how much I want you.”
A/N:Thank you all SO MUCH for the encouraging feedback on the first part of this series. I am going to be responding to some of the comments and reblogs that I didn’t get to in the next few days, but for now I want you to know that I truly appreciate anyone who has read and will read this story. This one doesn’t have a ton of Joel, but I promise you the next chapter does. ;)
Warnings: language, weapons, discussion of illness, death and loss, general canon-typical apocalyptic hell. A close up of Joel Miller’s face.
Word Count:5,304
Summary:When Tommy and Joel said that they would bring you back to “Jackson”, you had no way of knowing what would be waiting for you once you got there. Finding the town to be far more than you ever imagined, you are faced with a major decision - after so much time on the road, are you ready to try to put down roots?
Joel had told you the truth - the ride back with him and Tommy hadn’t been longer than an hour. You hadn’t encountered any more infected, the cluster of them that you’d put down earlier seemingly the only ones currently wandering these woods, and the two men and their horses were extremely familiar with the route, so you’d reached the main gate just as the sun was starting to make its way behind the mountains. And though you’d seen the time-ravaged and weather-beaten sign about a mile back, though you’d read the chipped, barely legible words, you were still stunnedat what you were looking at.
This wasn’t a settlement. Or a camp. It wasn’t a rogue group of survivors huddled together in an abandoned building. This is a whole goddamn town.
Welcome to Jackson INDEED. This part is a doozy and I have a lot of things to yell about so I’m going to do that in a very incoherent manner beneath the cut.
I feel like even though this is a very much self-contained chapter, it’s the beginning of EVERYTHING in a way that the first chapter wasn’t… so if you’re on the fence about reading this one, friends … hop off, and just START. Because it’s about to get GOING.
I’m glad we’re starting out with more truths. This helps to establish trust, even if it’s just about small things - like there being no danger on the way back, or the trip being short.
Seeing Jackson for the first time has to be so damn overwhelming, especially in a weak, tired state. Jackson exceeds all expectations and does so in a SPECTACULAR way. What a treat.
I love that Joel checks on us. It’s just basic human kindness, and making sure we’re not gonna topple off the horse, but he doesn’t *have* to. Thanks, Joel.
Smelling fresh bread after so long would be a life-altering moment for me, too. I can relate.
This moment between us and Joel just confirming that we both feel/reacted the same to Jackson is another good one, because it’s human. It’s an acknowledgement that while the people in Jackson have lived in relative safety and security for a long time, not everyone has - and Joel DEFINITELY hasn’t. This is another important connection.
Joel helping us off the horse and then just providing that tiny extra little bit of support because he recognizes that we need it? What a guy.
And noticing that he looks and seems different within the confines of Jackson is important, too. He’s still on alert, but he’s more… himself there. Beard and eyes and wrinkles and hair and nose scae … it’s all Joel and it’s all beautiful and I want to smooch him ALWAYS. I’m really curious about what he’s thinking, too - in that moment. We’re not just a survivor anymore, we’re someone that might end up staying in Jackson.
But the reminder about attachments is a sobering one in the middle of what should be a much happier moment - even if it’s practical.
Love that Joel and Tommy communicate so well by saying so little. It’s very important that they have this connection.
Movie night with Ellie? Love that for him. So much.
This time in Jackson is going to be full of so many ‘what if’ scenarios and ‘i wish’ moments - and it’s going to hurt. But that hurt will fade, and the memories will still be good, and things will get better.
Take care now. TAKE CARE NOW. Take. Care. Now. Just three words - but again, they didn’t NEED to be said … but they were.
So this whole thing with Tommy and Maria in the community center seems like the best possible way to approach this whole thing.It’s a small comfort, a symbol that in Jackson, things are 100% different - but these people need to be smart about it. They have to look out for their own, and they have to be willing to make hard choices.
The distinction between living and surviving is one that probably fell by the wayside for so many people after the outbreak… and to have to come to terms with that again isn’t going to be simple or quick.
The line of questioning is a lot, but I appreciate how direct Maria is being. She has to be, because she has to protect the people that live in the town. She has to protect the people that depend on her - and just letting anyone and everyone come in and stay without trying to dig a little isn’t going to make that happen. Jackson is flourishing in a way that most places are not, and there are plenty of people that would want to take advantage of that. It’s scary and it might seem a little too direct, but it’s the truth - and Maria isn’t going to tiptoe around it.
I already said this to you, but the repetition of us admitting that we’re alone - and pretty recently ALL alone - serves a couple purposes, and it might be a little cruel and upsetting, but it’s necessary. No one’s going to lie about this. No one’s going to be able to fake the reaction to losing the last person that meant something to them. No one’s going to be able to manufacture the response that we provide … and that tells Maria and Tommy what they need to hear.
And I believe that they both really are sorry for everything that we’ve lost. That’s natural, too. And even though strangers’ stories aren’t as impacting to others as they are to the person experiencing them, that doesn’t mean that people won’t understand.
There’s so much going on in our mind right now, and it’s going to take a long time to process it all, but the important thing is that for now, there’s a place to process it. A place that has walls and a bed and food and people and peace and potential new friends. That’s more than we had 12 hours ago - and it’s a good place to start.
The rules are self explanatory, and I love that we’ve already opened up about being willing to do whatever was necessary - but at the same time, throwing in what we’re *good* at, too.
The quarantine period is smart as well, because it not only gives new people a chance to rest and relax before they begin to contribute, but it’s enough time to ensure safety and health - another thing that Jackson needs in order to thrive.
Gotta keep that coffee for a special circumstance - I know a certain man is more than willing to trade some questionable things for a sip of it.
A hot meal. A place to sleep. New clothes … and now a shower? This has to be like Christmas. What a great night.
There’s still so much to worry about and so much to figure out and so much to ADJUST to…but this is an important start and I can’t wait to actually see and explore the town.
Alyssa, this is amazing as always and even though the story is still just beginning to unfold, I’m so hooked. Thank you so much for caring about this world and these characters and getting it right.
