#tragic

this is not the kind of love i need

and it’s not the kind of love i deserve

but it’s the only kind of love you can give

so i don’t mind if it hurts.

they never taught this child how to cook

for father was always away
busy chasing all his summers
and mother was never at home
catching up to days before the fall

they never taught this girl how to cook

for father was too occupied, screaming in the rain
slamming his fist through the red closed gates
and mother was too absorbed, locking herself in
crying while her tears glitter on broad daylight

they never taught this woman how to cook

and yet father would complain
“you should know how to cook” in mockery
and mother would get mad
“why don’t you know how to cook!” in irritation

but they never taught their daughter how to cook.

he told me i was scarlet
royal, fierce, and shit
well i thought he was crimson
with the depth and profundity
of murky waters, but darker

in truth though we were both just red
in different hues and different shades
pretending to be eccentric
when all we both were was
red; plain pathetic old red.

red like my favorite worn out dress
red like the rotten apple i had thrown this morning
red like the freshly cut bruises on my knees
red like his favorite color.

there was nothing magical
nor special about red
like we made it to be

words are just fancy versions
of the truth.

oh yes

wow owwowowowo has it been a looong fucking few months…& I say few, but after checking my last post, it’s actually been F I V E months since my lil tragedy and let.me.fuckin.tell.you…. it’s been a RIDEbro

I know no one remembers me / no one cares / & maybe even no one gets on here anymore (I hope not tho at least; I’m kinda diggin what little I have seen on my dash tho), but TW: pregnancy loss. Sothathappened,
then my boyfriend broke up with me & kicked me out the house.

So I had to move back to where I’m from and I am still teeechnnniiiically homeless (I kindve do have a place to stay, but there’s no place to sleep AT the place. it’s also a very discostin place. like… there’s a room just for the t h r e e cat’s litterboxes disgusting. with carpet. the cats don’t all get along with each other so there’s a lot of territorial things happening & one of them just… has no home training and is wild & the last will NOT go in the box if it’s even just a lil dirty, so he goes all.over.they all do actually. and the person i’m living with doesn’t clean it every single chance they need to/should. it’s also very messy with junk. there’s just shit (ha ha not actual shit but also? yes actual shit too:/ ) everywhere; 3.5 out of 5 hoarding skill. of just….random-ass-stuff-all-over. so that’shappening….

i did find a job, and i’ve been at it for roughly a month, but we’ve only been open open (since after Hurricane Ida) for almost 2weeks & everypenny i’ve made since then (i’m a server) has gone to people who I owe for getting me through the timespan of when I just moved back here + had nothing to my name. the people that fed me and made sure i had enough money for literal necessities as a woman.so i haven’t yet been able to put anything aside and it’s just all v stressful BUT(..!)All this to say:

I just randomly (I say “random”, but was watching a Vixella stweam + it made me wanna play TS4 and get back on here and DL cc and organize my mods folder and basically just go back to the time just 3 mos ago when I wasn’t homeless, still had my relationship, didn’t have to work and honestly… had the life I wanted. So. but. I hope all of you have been well all this time (speaking to myself cause I know daMN well no one will read this bullchit LOL), and if you did read this GOD I hope you are exCEPTIONAL n happy n healthy and have everything you could ever want and need out of this life already. I’m going lurk Tumblr for 5 hours straight to try& remember everything my smol, dumb brain forgot about and all my faves and all the new and fresh and exciting cc and wow? iS this ACtual exCITEMENT I FEEL???? That isn’t accompanied by the weight of the world in stress? (my brain is always v conflicting & contradicting; I’ma gemini whatcannIsay) I hope this feeling lasts at least a littlewhile. I love you all.  ♡