I like coffeeshop au but I don’t like how they always seem to be about cute fluffy love. I want it to be about coffee shop itself.
I don’t actually want to write a plot or anything but let’s have a Witcher coffeeshop au where everyone else in the story is their modern, real world equivalent except for Geralt, who is the owner/only barista and the more they find out about him the more baffling his entire life becomes.
Because it’s Geralt the cafe is just called “Coffee.” He has one kind of coffee on the menu, two kinds of teas, lots of milk options but you have to add them yourself and they’re still in the original cartons. There’s buns and sweet buns. Don’t overthink it.
Nobody can guess which car in the small lot is his until one day someone hangs around until closing and sees Geralt ride off on a fucking horse he had parked behind the cafe.
The first really hot day of the year Geralt wears a shirt that reveals his giant arms and someone cracks a joke like “Did you get those guns pulling espresso?” He grunts and says nah, longsword. And goes back to wiping the table without further explanation.
Some asshole starts making a scene and is not smart enough to be intimidated by Geralt’s giant arms, but right as things look like they’re about to get violent Geralt flicks his fingers in a small deliberate pattern and says firmly, “Leave.” The guy shuts up and leaves without a word.
A skinny teenager comes in and geralt smiles for the first time that anyone has ever seen. She gives him a peck on the cheek and he wraps her in a huge bear hug. She steals all the sweet buns and leaves. Someone asks who she is, he lovingly watches the door and says it’s his daughter. Everyone is confused because she clearly does not have any blood relation to him, but hey, adoption is a thing.
Someone is reading Tolkien with a picture of a dragon on the cover. Geralt glances at the illustration, grunts the word “Inaccurate” and keeps mopping.
One of the regulars gets up the nerve to ask why he owns the cafe if he clearly hates people and does not really care about coffee. He shrugs and says it beats ghoul rash. When the regular says they’ve never heard of ghoul rash, Geralt leans in close and hisses “You’re welcome.”
That kid with the guitar occasionally comes in and bounces a quarter off his ass. There is a sign with his picture on the bulletin board reading “BANNED” and lists a number of offences, most of which boil down to Geralt is annoyed at the kids face. The kid is in here every other week.
I watched it! And I have a lot of opinions about the tweaks it would take to fix it!
Anyway, I wrote about ep 1-4 on DW here, and ep 5-8 here, where for each episode, I briefly sum up what happens, and then what I would do to fix it. I know there’s lots of different ways to do a fixit, but I tried to keep most of the major plot beats, just moving some scenes around, mostly removing unnecessary plot maneuvering and adding in more character interactions. (So that when Ciri says that Geralt is always there for her, we believe it.) Also, I bring Yen and Jaskier into the story more (goodbye, Triss!), and Eskel is replaced by a different Witcher named Neskel.)
So, read on if you want my alternate version of Witcher Season 2:
Ep 1: Ciri and Geralt visit Nivellen and gain sympathy for the bruxa. Everyone thinks Yen is dead.
Ep 2: Ciri and Geralt at KM, Neskel (Not-Eskel) returns from a leshy hunt, and before he has a chance to invite everyone from town, he goes all Leshy and Geralt ends up having to kill Neskel. All the witchers gather for his burial, and Ciri learns a bit about Witchers and KM. Ciri decides to do training, with Geralt’s help. Yen/Fringilla/Francesca have their Baba Yaga vision, Yen realizes that she doesn’t have Chaos, Frin/Fran teams up.
Ep 3: Yen gets to Aretuza and tells Tissaia that she lost her Chaos, and Tissaia basically shoves her back out the door (in order to protect her but also bc power is everything). Feeling desperate and alone, Yen agrees to Baba Yaga’s deal of getting Ciri, starts heading toward KM. Geralt does some training with Ciri, and takes her Leshy hunting. Ciri learns about how to be a Witcher, bonds with Geralt and Vesemir and other KM denizens.
Ep 4: Yen runs into Jaskier on her journey up to KM, they have some good moments – Jaskier helps smuggle Yen through Redania, Yen helps Jaskier when he gets caught by Rience. Yen asks Jaskier to travel with her to KM and Jaskier decides to stay where he’s more needed (also because he wants Geralt to apologize, which Yen agrees with). Yen shows up at KM and offers to help Ciri with her magic (secretly hoping to get Ciri strong enough to portal to Baba Yaga). Background stuff about Cintra becoming a haven for elves, and Frin/Fran bonding moments.
Ep 6: Geralt, Yen and Ciri gets attacked by a monster and Yen isn’t able to use her magic, leading to Roach death. Geralt takes both her and Ciri to Nenneke for magic help. As they arrive, Yen talks to Geralt about how Jaskier is nearby and he really needs to go and apologize. Geralt grunts thoughtfully. While there, Geralt talks with Ciri about her worries, and he talks to Yen about how she is more than her magic. Rience attacks, and Yen and Ciri portal out, leaving Geralt. Meanwhile, tensions rise in Cintra under Cahir, and Francesca has a baby.
Ep 7: Yen leads Ciri to the broken Monolith in Cintra, thinking she can outwit and control Baba Yaga. Meanwhile, mounting tensions in Cintra as Francesca thinks she’s outwitted Baba Yaga and starts reneging on her promises to Fringilla. Cut back to Ciri, finding out Yen’s plan and feeling betrayed, then hearing the voice of Baba Yaga, saying that she knows what Ciri wants. Fringilla, in order to seize power, kills the Nilfgaard generals. Geralt finds and frees Jaskier, apologizes to him properly, and Jaskier uses his bard/smuggling connections to find out that (a) Yen/Ciri are in Cintra and (b) Nilfgaardians and Redanians are both after her. (Meanwhile, in Aretuza, Istredd tells Tissaia about Ciri.) Geralt and Jaskier (and dwarves) go to save Ciri from Nilfgaardian soldiers, and they ride back to KM. There is a flash of Baba Yaga inside Ciri. Francesca’s baby gets assassinated.
Ep 8: Francesca declares war on all humans but then Istredd shows up and tells her about Ciri, and from that Francesca finds hope. Meanwhile Ciri is living her dream of the past, while Baba Yaga pilots her body to open the Monolith at KM and summon monsters. The Witchers agree that they don’t want a re-run of Neskel, and while Vesemir leads the other Witchers to deal with the monsters, Geralt, Yen and Jaskier try to get Ciri back. Yen is using potions and Geralt is using his words and Jaskier is playing a song from Cintra. These things combined reminds Ciri that she has family here, and that she hasn’t lost Cintra forever, either. She says goodbye to Calanthe, Eist and Mousesack in her vision (no parents bc she has no memory of them), and returns just in time to do that weird portal thing and foreshadow the Wild Hunt. Emhyr shows up, reveals that he’s behind the baby killing, ousts Fringilla. Montage of Emhyr, Elves, Redania, and Brotherhood all deciding that they need to hunt down Ciri, juxtaposed with Ciri being happy with her family at KM.
Huge shout out to @hynmayproductions who assisted with this shoot. I am beside myself and I love that some of the shots look like film stills. The full set has been dropped to my s(u)bs already and will go to Gumroad in a few weeks- so check my direct me for more info. . . . . . . . #witcher #thewitcher #geraltofrivia #geralt #tattooed #girlsthatlift #weightlifter #weightlifting #muscle #girlswithmuscle #tattoos #tattooedmodel #positivevibes #dailymotivation #autumnivy #thebonecollector #narrator #actor #voiceactor #fit #fitness #girlswithtattoos #cosplay #cosplayer #costumer #streamer https://www.instagram.com/p/CXrx5Z0JZmn/?utm_medium=tumblr
me wasting resources and time making sure geralt gets his water, 3 meals a day, and meditates at a decent hour meanwhile i’ve been playing until 5am on off brand lacroix and a vitamin C “geralt! it’s 11 already”
*material girl plays as i walk into kaer morhen, accompanied by a harem of increasingly eccentric individuals, ready to pick up our inheritance only to discover vesemir is very much so alive and well*
