#a letter to myself
An apology letter to myself…
I’m sorry…I’m sorry for the days that I laid in bed, without knowing or even trying to figure out your purpose for existing or without having a will to continue living.
I’m sorry that I doubted you, and your ability to walk this life with a genuine smile.
I’m sorry for living in that hopeless mindset for years and years, without getting up to try and fix it.
I held onto the thought of a potential life long failure, to keep myself safe from my own disappointment, when I’ve only really held you back from what you could have achieved. I’ve only pulled you away from the opportunities that could have landed you on a path of financial and mental wellbeing.
I should have treated this body like a temple, but instead I treated it as a landfill for hard drugs, bottles of liquor and slit wrists.
I chose to cope with the pain that trauma buried in the deepest part of my mind, in a way that only brought 10x more crisis and hurt into my life.
I’m sorry for the actions and the decisions I made through out my dismal years.
I’m sorry for all the times I’ve tried to kill you, without thinking about the second way out. But somehow we found it, floating in the missing thoughts that hopelessness hid from us.
So I’m sorry, but I also want to say thank you, because without the trauma, the horrible experiences, the childhood of pain, and all of the struggles, I wouldn’t have ever been able to find the strength I have now. I wouldn’t be able to appreciate the small things that a lot of people take for granted.
Thank you for helping me become the light when I stopped searching for it.
A Letter To Myself
Today is my birthday. I’m officially 24. And what better way to celebrate my birthday than by taking a lil’ stroll down memory lane. When I was in grade 10, we were tasked with the assignment of writing a quick letter to our future selves to open on the last day of grade 12. Like the die-hard keener I am, I wrote the letter and promptly forgot about it for the next three years. Then, on the last day of grade 12, those letters were handed back to us and we got to read the thoughts and ramblings of our grade 10 selves. I liked this concept so much that I decided to also write a letter on the last day of grade 12 to open when I graduated university.
Well, that day has come. I graduated university with a BComm back in April of 2018 but it took me a couple of months to actually remember that I had this letter hidden at the very bottom of my dresser’s drawer where there was no chance of anyone finding it. It was quite a surprise when I was cleaning out that drawer and I came across this envelope. My fingers ached to open it immediately but I suppressed that urge because I wanted to read it in the right frame of mind.
So here is a video of me opening both the letter to my grade 12 self and the letter to my post-university grad self. As I explain in the video, I felt like I had such higher expectations for what should have been in these letters. But, at the end of the day, I was only 15 and 18 when I wrote them. I was still struggling to find exactly who I was. So yes, this video is very anti-climatic but it’s also very telling of what kind of person I was at those ages.
As I’ve said time and time again on this blog, growing up is such a weird thing but I am so lucky to have a online diary of sorts to record all these things in my life. My 15 year old self who wrote that letter in grade 10 would have never imagined that her life would turn out this way. But that’s the magic of that letter. You think you have everything figured out. You think you know where your passions lie and how you want your future to unravel but then something can into your life and change how you view everything. And that’s exactly what this blog did to me. In grade 10, I didn’t even know what a blog was. But then, one short year later, it turned my whole world around. It made me rethink everything. Suddenly, being in school plays and becoming a doctor wasn’t the right path for me. And my blog really helped me see that. And so, for that, I am so thankful.
When I’m Older, I’ll be whoever I want.
Love,
Tay
