“I seek love, yet I hide from it when it reaches out.

I seek the warmth of a lover but cower when it surrounds me.

I seek the words laced with honey but accept those filled with poison.

I seek eyes filled with adoration but find an empty space in front of me.

I seek someone in my sheets, my hands roaming to find someone, but only stumble upon blankets and cold sheets.

I seek a smile but find myself drowning in tears.

I seek a life filled with love but find myself running away when it finds me.

I wish upon the stars to find what I am seeking to find me before I yield and cower again.

I pray there comes a day where I’ll stumble upon all the things I yearn for and that the warmth, the smile will grab me with so much strength that I will have no choice but to accept it with everything in me.

Because for once, I’ll allow the love I run away from to fill me up with everything I wished upon the stars, and for once, I’ll smile without any fear.

It’ll look me in the eyes and tell me that what I had been seeking was just waiting for me to accept myself and be free of the chains.

The smile and the crinkle beside their eyes will tell me that I was everything they too were seeking for, and they were glad we found each other in a place that had no place of running away.

I seek for you, and I pray you also seek for me.

I wish upon the stars that when we find each other, it will all be enough.

Because baby, you’re all my wishes upon the stars.”

- g.d. (the stars)

“Why should I settle for mediocre when I know I’m worthy of exceptional.”

- g.d. (settling)

And today I want to apologize to myself. Apologize for giving up too early, for hating my skin when it was protecting me. Apologize for starving myself when my body was dying. Apologize for falling off the wagon constantly. I want to apologize for every single pain i put my body through. Apologize for making it feel as if it wasn’t worthy enough for me because it is and always will be. And today may not be the day I will want to return to it with everything within me. But I want to let it know that I’m coming back to it slowly by slowly. And I want to thank it for accepting me.

- g.d (welcome me home)

“The sea is only as powerful as you allow it to be.”

- g.d (the sea)

“You give and give, only to realize that there isn’t much left to give. So you shut doors and learn to heal, learn to give to yourself. Only to have people say you’re being selfish. But then retort and say “Fuck you, I am still going to give but to myself first."”

- g.d. (i’m important as well) 

“Depression is when you’re sitting in your room and you can hear people laughing and all you can do is listen in to their laughter and not bring yourself to feel happy with them. It is when you’re angry at your mom for brining you into a world to only want to escape it (even though it’s not her fault). It’s when you just want to cry but can’t because god forbid someone saw tear stains on your cheeks. So you just sit still in hope that the numbness will pass, and that you make it through the day. When all you want is to sleep and not wake up ever again.”

- g.d. (what depression is) 

“Sometimes people forget how hard it is to go about your day. How hard it is to just love someone who loves you. When depression hits you, you forget everything, you forget that you’re loved and you love someone. Because its this piece of shit that reminds you constantly that you are not worthy of the love. That whatever you set out to do won’t be enough because you are not enough. I feel this constantly. Some days I’ll be fine but days like today, breathing even crying feels like the biggest task in life. So, I want everyone to know, that this will pass and one day we will look back and realize that this had to happen, to let us become who we are today.”

- g.d (this will make us weak before it makes us strong)

“I realized that I want to be a warrior. I want to be Athena. The goddess who fought for herself, who had a ‘manly’ body and still loved herself. Who is known as the most courageous warrior. I don’t want to be Aphrodite anymore, I want to be a warrior. I want to be Athena.”

- g.d (become another warrior goddess, become Athena)

“And I did not realize how hard it is to forget you. Forget the friendship we had, the memories we shared. The laughter that rang through the dark nights and sunny mornings. The promises we made to stay together forever. But I guess I was justthe sea for you, while you were my anchor.”

- g.d (best friend break ups hurt more than anything)

Bojack is, like, way too accurate sometimes.

- The Way I See Things (Lil Peep)

From my Instagram edit account @i.e.saudade

I’ll do it, I swear.

Intento no oír las voces que me atormentan manchando páginas blancas con párrafos de mierda, escritos y desvaríos de un alma corrompida por la miseria. Y de pana que lo he intentado cien veces y cien veces he fracasado ¿Qué te queda por hacer cuando se que acaban las cartas?

“…You’ll be dancing once again and the pain will end…”

ABBA

You can’t count on others. Some are lucky to have that person to weather the storm. But at the end of the day, its you. Your all you have. You will care about your feelings. You will fix the broken pieces. You, are your strongest supporter.

-RB

She’s tired of feeling. Tired of hurting. She numbs herself to the pain. She doesn’t want to feel anymore.

-RB

I’m beyond imperfect. I’m covered in flaws. I use periods at the end of a sentence when I’m upset. I push away without realizing. When I’m attacked, I push away further. When I feel your close to leaving, I build the walls back up. I know you can shatter me in pieces. A couple pieces already broke.

-RB

Pay Attention

If she’s not giving you a smile,

Ask her what’s wrong.

If she seems withdrawn,

Ask if she’s okay.

If she gets up in the night, and you notice her pillow is wet,

Make sure she’s okay.

If she starts to sniffle,

Don’t just ask if she has a stuffy nose.

Ask her to look at you.

If she’s laying there, and you can hear her sobs,

Go to her.

Cuddle her, ask if she’s okay, or just simply hold her.

Don’t let her sit and think you don’t care,

With signs all over, telling you she isn’t okay.

Pay Attention to her actions, words, and body language.

Just be there for her.

-RB

is there even a single good reason to get up when you can just sleep forever?

—

Why am I like this? I should be grateful, why, why , why

I never liked myself and now it’s just getting worse. I shouldn’t be here, on earth, alive.

When ur therapist confirms you might be faking suicidality and you might be manipulating everyone.

I’m a bad person and I’m getting worse, so I want to kill myself, but that’d make the people around me sad. So then my next option is isolation. Why can’t I be done. I want to quit. I hate it here and I hate myself.

I can’t stop saying stupid things and I can’t stop doing stupid things. I just want to isolate and hide from everyone and everything. This way maybe I’d stop making a fool of myself.

The sad thing is that I know that if they asked for anything I wouldn’t know how to say no

I think I’m past the point of return, no one can help me anymore. My therapist doesn’t know how to help me, so I guess I’m fucked

At this point idk if I should take my meds because idk if I deserve to be happy anymore. But also idk if this is just an excuse for me to not take my meds because I’m too lazy to even do it. Then also me posting this is just feeding my attention seeking behaviors.

When the self pity arrives at self deprecation station.

When someone takes a picture of ur side profile and u remember how ugly u are

When u relapse and the unhealthy coping mechanism just made u feel guilty instead of making u feel better.

Most of the time i don’t like how my brain works, how suddenly i can feel sad about every tiny thing that happens, i wonder if it’s my fault for thinking too much and being so sensitive that i hurt myself with my thoughts or maybe every single person in the world is rude, even the people i love.

And maybe i hate myself so much that i don’t think i deserve to be loved and that’s why i love people that love to hurt me.

Stell dir vor du sitzt in einem brennenden Haus, du kannst das Feuer nicht löschen und nichtmal um Hilfe rufen…

Auf die Frage, wie es mir geht, weiß ich nie was ich antworten soll.

Bin überfordert.

Mir geht es schon lange nicht mehr gut.

Ehrlich gesagt, weiß ich nicht mehr, wie sich das anfühlt.

Monsters are real, ghosts are real too. They live inside of us & sometimes they win..

-stephen king

I feel so alone even when surrounded by people. Pain go away please.

i like to be alone. but I hate being lonely…

“smile, bc it confuses people. smile, bc it’s easier than explaining what is killing you inside.”

- joker

a broken heart is the worst, it’s like having broken ribs, nobody can see it, but it hurts every time you breathe..

MY ANXIETY IS KILLING ME.