My lonlieness and anxiety get so unbarable at night. I wish that I can just fall asleep in less than an hour. If I knew that sleep was going to soon take this pain away, I will be able to bare it until then….but when I lay in bed, not knowing if I’m going to fall asleep by the crack of dawn or after the sun rises, I panic. I get over whelmed with fear and sadness knowing that I’m going to have to live through an entire night of emotional pain again. It’s currently 11:34pm and I’m already afraid.

An apology letter to myself…

I’m sorry…I’m sorry for the days that I laid in bed, without knowing or even trying to figure out your purpose for existing or without having a will to continue living.

I’m sorry that I doubted you, and your ability to walk this life with a genuine smile.

I’m sorry for living in that hopeless mindset for years and years, without getting up to try and fix it.

I held onto the thought of a potential life long failure, to keep myself safe from my own disappointment, when I’ve only really held you back from what you could have achieved. I’ve only pulled you away from the opportunities that could have landed you on a path of financial and mental wellbeing.

I should have treated this body like a temple, but instead I treated it as a landfill for hard drugs, bottles of liquor and slit wrists.

I chose to cope with the pain that trauma buried in the deepest part of my mind, in a way that only brought 10x more crisis and hurt into my life.

I’m sorry for the actions and the decisions I made through out my dismal years.

I’m sorry for all the times I’ve tried to kill you, without thinking about the second way out. But somehow we found it, floating in the missing thoughts that hopelessness hid from us.

So I’m sorry, but I also want to say thank you, because without the trauma, the horrible experiences, the childhood of pain, and all of the struggles, I wouldn’t have ever been able to find the strength I have now. I wouldn’t be able to appreciate the small things that a lot of people take for granted.

Thank you for helping me become the light when I stopped searching for it.

Me:[waiting for my order]

Worker:[yells my order number but forgets my cookie]

Me:“he’s probably going to get it soon”

Anxiety:“but what if he forgot? Or what if you didn’t order one? And your just standing there looking stupid waiting for nothing?

Anxiety:"your gunna be so humiliated if you ask where your cookie is and they say you didn’t order one!

Anxiety:"you’ve been awkwardly standing there for over a minute already, it’s been too long, just go.

Me:"I can just ask if they forgot my cookie”

Anxiety:“no I’m not going to let you embarrass yourself”

Worker:“are you waiting for another order?”

Anxiety:“GET OUT OF THERE”

Me:“no, I was just leaving”

that’s how anxiety can ruin and make you overthink the most simplest things…I just wanted a fucking cookie :(

Why do the little things break me but when I’m experiencing a traumatic event, it’s like a normal thing?