#actuallybullied

me: the many years of bullying didn’t even get to me THAT much, i’m perfectly fine

also me, now an adult: hmmm what will my former class mates think if they see me enjoying this thing

This issue of Ms. Marvel fuck me up so much. It’s not just about me not being straight and having been afraid of being outed. It’s so much deeper than that. So much deeper than I could ever express. So much deeper that I only feel free to talk about it on a side-blog mental illness blog instead of on my main/fandom one.

This kind of support would’ve mattered so much to me when I was in the hellhole called middle school. If I hadn’t been so utterly alone in school as secrets of mine were outed and openly mocked by people I swear I could maybe not have ended up like I did. I swear I could maybe not having started cutting and burning myself. I swear I could maybe not have attempted suicide twice. I swear I could maybe have not developed a mood and personality disorder. Of course, everything was multi-determined, there were countless factors, but that doesn’t change the fact that I went through in school may have been by far the start of my downfall. Or maybe a major early accelerator of a slower downfall that was already happening, but not as completely vertical instead of diagonal as it then became. Whatever, it was a watershed in my life if a bad, bad, BAD way.

I wish so much I had had a Nakia in middle school. Or a Kamala Khan in middle school. Not because Kamala Khan is a badass superhero with powers, but because she could’ve given me a support I so surely and direly needed back then.

I wish compassion were normal.