#adyashanti

Well it turns out that nothing is permanent, at least for now. After swimming in the emptiness of existence for about a week, I felt pulled back into contraction. At first fear showed up, even though emptiness was heavy and lonely, I didn’t want to be pulled back into suffering. My ego was still trying to claim the experience. Then I realized that I probably still have issues to resolve and wounds to heal. Back in January when I had my first true glimpse of the truth, I proceeded to fall back into ego perspective and inevitably suffered. But in hindsight I realize that I was purging old emotions and unhealed wounds. This was not a mistake, this was exactly how it was supposed to go. And so this time I didn’t struggle as much when I noticed that once again I had left the state of transcendence.

As it turns out, I have “coincidentally” been in contact with an old flame for the past two months.  And once again I cannot deny the obviousness and the beautiful genius of existence bringing me exactly what I need. At first I wasn’t sure how this reunion was going to unfold, but as the days have progressed we have again run into the same old familiar issues. I realize now that this is a perfectly timed opportunity, to close this chapter once and for all. However, saying goodbye is bringing up some sad emotions and I can feel myself resisting these feelings. There is the old ego voice, afraid of getting sucked into identification if I give into the pain. It’s like nowadays I simultaneously experience the perspective of the absolute and the relative. The old ego thoughts and patterns still come up and I can see them very clearly, which makes it almost impossible to lie to myself. But it also means that sometimes I feel confused, or I should say the ego feels confused by what it should think and do. And yet at the same time I mostly experience very clear guidance.

I know that this is what’s meant to happen and that we have been brought back together for proper closure. I also know that there is still a part of me which keeps running from emptiness. I have noticed for example that I have become quite the workaholic lately. I have a lot of energy and I just can’t seem to sit still. I want to constantly be moving or doing. It’s okay though, I know I will exhaust myself at some point again.

So as to where I am at the moment, it’s hard to say. Somewhere between ego land and emptiness. Sometimes there is a feeling of completeness and a whole lot of love flowing inside me. Other times I actually physically feel contracted and I am suffering. I believe these are the ego identifications being brought up and old wounds being healed to be able to completely let go into consciousness, god or myself.

For the past few months there have been many moments where I wanted to write, but I just couldn’t find the words to describe my experience. Up until a certain point I had control and I knew where I was going; towards enlightenment. I was seeking like crazy and nothing else in the whole world seemed to matter. Then during last January (2017) I realized that all of my seeking and running towards, was actually a running away from the truth. For a brief moment I let go of all my beliefs and expectations and the truth presented itself.

For a while I was living in bliss, experiencing life as the witness. There was a distance between “me” and experience, which gave me a huge relief and brought me peace. I could zoom out and realize it was all illusion. Slowly however, I started to feel myself leaving this space. It would scare me so much, because leaving to me meant going back to suffering. And so I tried to hold on. Sometimes the mind would get very loud and I would feel disconnected and hopeless. I struggled with holding on, until I got swept up by life again. I fell in love and let go of trying to hold onto truth.

Truth never truly left me and my life and my perspective never fully returned to the way it was. Yet my awakening was of the unabiding nature as Adyashanti puts it so well, meaning that it wasn’t permanent at the time.

Falling in love inevitably led to my heart breaking and I found myself suffering again. It was very confusing, because I couldn’t understand how I could be making the same stupid mistakes as before my awakening. The suffering got so bad and I found myself in a very dark place, also referred to as the dark night of the soul. I started to doubt everything, had I every truly experienced an awakening? What was the point of truth if it would lead me to even greater suffering? Thankfully the universe sent me guidance and it restored my faith. Faith helped me to open up and fully experience my pain and suffering. (I’m being very brief here because I want to talk about something else and still give you guys a short update.)

After the dark night of the soul passed, I found myself with a lot of kundalini energy. I would workout intensely in order to try and process this energy. It started to feel like I was running from something. I couldn’t sit still, I was constantly doing, meeting friends, working, studying, eating, shopping. I couldn’t stop. And at the same time I could feel that I was running. This kept going until I got tired, I became so exhausted with running that I started to slow down. Eventually I found myself crying out: I am exhausted, I don’t want to run anymore. Whatever is supposed to happen, please let it happen. If I need to die, kill me.

The next day I was walking around some shops and suddenly I felt myself sink into an emptiness, I had experienced this before and it had always scared me. Now finally I could let myself experience it and I found myself in an unknown place, an emptiness had washed over me and there was no me left. It’s so difficult to describe this experience, since it is so abstract to the mind. There were multiple things happening at the same time. I realized I was nothing, and so were all the other egos. I found myself mourning my own death. I had invested so much in this person I thought I was and I still loved the illusion of her. After a while I found myself also mourning the death of everyone around me, I realized that my parents never really existed and that my gurus didn’t either. I would feel grief and I would have intense moments of crying (I am still mourning actually). Sometimes I could feel the despair of my mind trying to recreate itself as a person, but there was simply no energy left to believe in the illusion again.

The experience of emptiness is a very lonely experience. When you realize that you don’t truly exist as an ego and therefore nobody else exists, you find yourself all alone in the universe. You can’t really talk to anyone about this, because most people would think you are insane and because you realize that there is no one else to talk to, since no one actually exists. Sometimes the mind would try to take me back to illusion and I knew it would be a relief to escape the heavy loneliness of emptiness. And yet I found myself continuing to rest in this place.

A few nights ago I was at a concert with a big crowd of people, again I found myself sinking deep into emptiness and I let myself drown.Then something new happened, for the first time this heavy emptiness expanded and suddenly I felt myself as everyone. I felt the true oneness of life. I realized that yes we are all nothing, but at the same time I am walking around in myself.I am the whole universe and the nothingness, for the first time I experienced this strange and magnificent paradox. I was walking around thinking about hugging people and at the same time I knew nothing mattered. Everyone is me and so I am complete. There is no where to go and no one to tell this to, since everyone is me. There is nothing outside of me that I need or that could bring me happiness. It’s all me.

I never imagined that this would be enlightenment, for a long time I was seeking to be special, to be unique. And spirituality would bring me there. But spirituality took away my self and simultaneously my need to be special.

I am still processing everything and I am still mourning my own death and the death of everyone else. It’s a sad place having to conceptually say goodbye to all of my loved ones and my cherished gurus, but I understand that there is no way around it.

PS. I do not write with non dual language, I refer to myself as me and I, because it’s just easier. After all we also live in the relative world and I think you all understand what I’m saying, which is what matters.

No matter what your emotional, physical, or mental state, let it be as it is and don’t wish it to be otherwise. If you want it to be different from what it is, you’re not abiding; you’re picking and choosing and trying to control your experience.

— Adyashanti

What if you let go of every bit of control and every urge that you have, right down to the most infinitesimal urge to control anything, anywhere, including anything that may be happening with you at this moment? If you were able to give up control absolutely, totally, and completely, then you would be a spiritually free being.

— Adyashanti

The important thing is allowing the whole world to wake up. Part of allowing the whole world to wake up is recognizing that the whole world is free—everybody is free to be as they are. Until the whole world is free to agree with you or disagree with you, until you have given the freedom to everyone to like you or not like you, to love you or hate you, to see things as you see them or to see things differently—until you have given the whole world its freedom—you’ll never have your freedom.

— Adyashanti

thecalminside:

“Whatever the image of yourself, it’s a mask and it’s hiding emptiness.”

Adyashanti

seeking-annwn:

No matter what your emotional, physical, or mental state, let it be as it is and don’t wish it to be otherwise. If you want it to be different from what it is, you’re not abiding; you’re picking and choosing and trying to control your experience.

— Adyashanti

seeking-annwn:

What if you let go of every bit of control and every urge that you have, right down to the most infinitesimal urge to control anything, anywhere, including anything that may be happening with you at this moment? If you were able to give up control absolutely, totally, and completely, then you would be a spiritually free being.

— Adyashanti