#dark night of the soul

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For the past few months there have been many moments where I wanted to write, but I just couldn’t find the words to describe my experience. Up until a certain point I had control and I knew where I was going; towards enlightenment. I was seeking like crazy and nothing else in the whole world seemed to matter. Then during last January (2017) I realized that all of my seeking and running towards, was actually a running away from the truth. For a brief moment I let go of all my beliefs and expectations and the truth presented itself.

For a while I was living in bliss, experiencing life as the witness. There was a distance between “me” and experience, which gave me a huge relief and brought me peace. I could zoom out and realize it was all illusion. Slowly however, I started to feel myself leaving this space. It would scare me so much, because leaving to me meant going back to suffering. And so I tried to hold on. Sometimes the mind would get very loud and I would feel disconnected and hopeless. I struggled with holding on, until I got swept up by life again. I fell in love and let go of trying to hold onto truth.

Truth never truly left me and my life and my perspective never fully returned to the way it was. Yet my awakening was of the unabiding nature as Adyashanti puts it so well, meaning that it wasn’t permanent at the time.

Falling in love inevitably led to my heart breaking and I found myself suffering again. It was very confusing, because I couldn’t understand how I could be making the same stupid mistakes as before my awakening. The suffering got so bad and I found myself in a very dark place, also referred to as the dark night of the soul. I started to doubt everything, had I every truly experienced an awakening? What was the point of truth if it would lead me to even greater suffering? Thankfully the universe sent me guidance and it restored my faith. Faith helped me to open up and fully experience my pain and suffering. (I’m being very brief here because I want to talk about something else and still give you guys a short update.)

After the dark night of the soul passed, I found myself with a lot of kundalini energy. I would workout intensely in order to try and process this energy. It started to feel like I was running from something. I couldn’t sit still, I was constantly doing, meeting friends, working, studying, eating, shopping. I couldn’t stop. And at the same time I could feel that I was running. This kept going until I got tired, I became so exhausted with running that I started to slow down. Eventually I found myself crying out: I am exhausted, I don’t want to run anymore. Whatever is supposed to happen, please let it happen. If I need to die, kill me.

The next day I was walking around some shops and suddenly I felt myself sink into an emptiness, I had experienced this before and it had always scared me. Now finally I could let myself experience it and I found myself in an unknown place, an emptiness had washed over me and there was no me left. It’s so difficult to describe this experience, since it is so abstract to the mind. There were multiple things happening at the same time. I realized I was nothing, and so were all the other egos. I found myself mourning my own death. I had invested so much in this person I thought I was and I still loved the illusion of her. After a while I found myself also mourning the death of everyone around me, I realized that my parents never really existed and that my gurus didn’t either. I would feel grief and I would have intense moments of crying (I am still mourning actually). Sometimes I could feel the despair of my mind trying to recreate itself as a person, but there was simply no energy left to believe in the illusion again.

The experience of emptiness is a very lonely experience. When you realize that you don’t truly exist as an ego and therefore nobody else exists, you find yourself all alone in the universe. You can’t really talk to anyone about this, because most people would think you are insane and because you realize that there is no one else to talk to, since no one actually exists. Sometimes the mind would try to take me back to illusion and I knew it would be a relief to escape the heavy loneliness of emptiness. And yet I found myself continuing to rest in this place.

A few nights ago I was at a concert with a big crowd of people, again I found myself sinking deep into emptiness and I let myself drown.Then something new happened, for the first time this heavy emptiness expanded and suddenly I felt myself as everyone. I felt the true oneness of life. I realized that yes we are all nothing, but at the same time I am walking around in myself.I am the whole universe and the nothingness, for the first time I experienced this strange and magnificent paradox. I was walking around thinking about hugging people and at the same time I knew nothing mattered. Everyone is me and so I am complete. There is no where to go and no one to tell this to, since everyone is me. There is nothing outside of me that I need or that could bring me happiness. It’s all me.

I never imagined that this would be enlightenment, for a long time I was seeking to be special, to be unique. And spirituality would bring me there. But spirituality took away my self and simultaneously my need to be special.

I am still processing everything and I am still mourning my own death and the death of everyone else. It’s a sad place having to conceptually say goodbye to all of my loved ones and my cherished gurus, but I understand that there is no way around it.

PS. I do not write with non dual language, I refer to myself as me and I, because it’s just easier. After all we also live in the relative world and I think you all understand what I’m saying, which is what matters.

The clouds clash, bad weather arrives, the forests become damp, and a torrent of black feathers flows from our elegantly dark sky

Soul Searching: Katie Hims. We ask five of the playwrights undertaking a feminine Faustian interpret

Soul Searching: Katie Hims. 


We ask five of the playwrights undertaking a feminine Faustian interpretation for the Globe’s Dark Night of the Soul a series of questions about the project and their approaches.

Katie Hims is a writer and has written for both theatre and radio. She has spent time on attachment to the National Theatre Studio and has recently written Variations for National Theatre Connections 2019. She is currently working on The Stranger on the Bridge for Postcard Productions at The Tobacco Factory, Bristol. Her previous stage work includes Billy the Girl for Clean Break at Soho Theatre. Her radio work has won several awards.

Three Minutes after Midnight 
by Katie Hims 
A writer and her niece are waiting. While in the room next door a nurse attends to the writer’s sister. The sister is dying and the writer finds she cannot resist scribbling down a scene about her sister’s death.  A scene which reveals the secret of her sister’s life. And then the writer’s niece finds the scene in a notebook and accuses the writer of selling her soul. 


What made you say yes to Dark Night of the Soul?
I was completely delighted to be asked to write for Shakespeare’s Globe. I’m afraid I would have said yes to anything that Michelle Terry asked me to write! But the fact that there’s a gang of us and that to a certain degree we’re developing the material together made it very appealing. Also, I think the brief is actually very open, so we should all be able to find our own quite different stories that we’re keen to tell.

What interests you about the Faustus myth or Marlowe’sFaustus? And what are you hoping to explore with your piece?
I’m still getting my head around what the Faustian bargain might mean for a female character. Faustus is about ambition and what he will sacrifice to achieve. Traditionally men have been expected and encouraged to be ambitious and women haven’t. I’ve always felt embarrassed by the idea of my own ambition like I want to disown it. I’ve often felt like I should be pursuing something more worthwhile and less selfish. I don’t know how many male writers are plagued by this feeling. I’m sure they are out there – and of course, I might be entirely wrong – but I imagine they are greatly outnumbered by women.

And yet I really do want to write. It’s the only ambition I have. So where does that leave me when it comes to writing about the Faustian bargain? I don’t know yet… Voltaire said: “One must be possessed of the Devil to succeed in any of the arts.” There are plenty of clichés around success coming only with sacrifice and what could be a greater sacrifice than your soul?

But what is a soul anyway? It means different things to different people. We talk of writers selling their souls and it usually means writing something terrible for a lot of money. But what’s so wrong with that? Maybe nothing. Maybe it depends on the nature of what was written. But I can imagine a story in which a woman sacrifices her soul for a lot less than absolute power and all the world’s riches. Which is potentially a story about equal pay…

How do you start to write something?
It depends what I’m writing and who I’m writing for. I’m happiest when starting with a character or an incident or some other small detail, and then following the trail of where that detail leads. One of my favourite ways to begin is to overhear something someone says in the street or on the bus. When starting with a broad theme I struggle more to find my story. The canvas is so big and you don’t want the theme to be writ large across the work. Whereas if you begin small you discover your theme and you don’t need to go hunting for a story to fit.

What made you want to be a writer?
I loved writing stories as a child but it never occurred to me that a writer was something I could actually be. Then in the final year of my drama degree, we did a playwriting course and I immediately lost interest in every other element of degree because I just wanted to be writing plays all day.

How important is storytelling?
I think it’s incredibly important. I think we’re telling each other stories all the time. They’re part of our everyday lives.There is a need to tell them and a need to hear them. I’ve got the writer’s guilt about not doing something more useful with my life, but my husband says to me imagine the world without any books and plays would you want to live in that world? And of course, I wouldn’t.

Would you say that there are any themes you are particularly interested in across your work?
Lost children who somehow make it home again seem to recur again and again even when I’m actively trying not to repeat myself. I’m a fan of a happy ending if I can get away with it.

Do you like to be involved in the rehearsal process?
My absolute favourite rewrites are the ones that get done in the rehearsal room. Hearing the actors say the lines tells you everything about what’s wrong and what needs to change and what ought to be said instead. It’s urgent work and removes all the doubt and umming and aahing. But I think you can drive the actors mad if you keep changing material too far into the rehearsal process. I think I need to stay away after a certain point because I would just keep rewriting.

What’s it like seeing your work being performed?
That depends! There’s something very nerve-wracking about it. At its worst, it can be cringe-worthy; like listening to your own voice on tape. But when you are sitting among an audience who are watching a play you’ve written and they are really really laughing or crying – that’s pretty amazing, it’s probably the best bit of the whole strange business.

What’s it like to be working on a production in chorus with other writers?
We’ve spent one workshop day together and I absolutely loved it. There’s a contradiction that writing is very often an isolated process and yet storytelling demands an audience. Stories grow and get better in the telling. So during the workshop we kind of functioned as an audience for one another.

Dark Night of the Soul: The Feminine Response to the Faustian Myth opens in the Sam Wanamaker Playhouse on 5 January 2019

On four evenings we will perform a selection of the pieces together as Anthology Performances. Check the website to see when Katie’s response, Three Minutes after Midnight will be performed.


This interview first appeared in Globe Magazine, available to buy in the Globe Shop. Become a Member of Shakespeare’s Globe to receive the magazine three times a year.


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