1. What is your favorite aspect of the aro and arospec community?
Most people I’ve met in the online aro community understand and practice the core values of intersectionality. Also the aro community talks a lot about how broad and different experiences can be from one individual to another, not just in being aromantic, but in being queer in general. Another thing I like about the aro community is how many people in it are trans. It’s been a better trans space for me than any other trans community I’ve encountered, even though it’s not a trans community.
2. Are there any notable differences in your experiences in this community and other LGBTQIA+ spaces you have been in?
Most queer communities I’ve been in don’t understand intersectionality, heavily favor able white middle-class experiences, and fail to adequately challenge patriarchy and exploitative capitalism. The aro community understands the basics of all this, at least, and in some cases is pretty good at challenging these aspects of the kyriarchy.
A lot of queer communities I’ve encountered claim to represent the entire identity but then heavily favor one particular experience or narrative. Mainstream queer narratives especially get favored, like focusing on monogamous romantic gay coupling, or focusing on the medical aspects of transitioning. Many IRL queer communities I’ve encountered actively engage in respectability politics, which I find reprehensible. The online aro community avoids all these pitfalls.
Also the online aro community is by far the youngest queer community I’ve been involved in. But even though I’m 10-20 years older than most people in it, I feel more welcome and accepted for the reasons I stated above.
3. What’s one way that the aro community could be better or more inclusive? Do you have any tips on improving in this regard?
Be even more intersectional. There are limits to this when a community is an online community because there’s not a whole lot we can do to reach people who don’t have internet access. But I have noticed the community is mostly western. Amplifying aro voices from regions outside the west would be good.
4. Do you think there are flaws in the way that different types of attractions are navigated, discussed, and defined in the aro community?
Oh absolutely. My last post covered this some. But the biggest problem I see is that the aro community focuses too much on defining the aromantic experience as lacking something that is present in the alloromantic experience. I think this is reductive and detrimental to aro representation and visibility. The focus on lack is even in the name, with the “a-” prefix. I think the reality for most aromantic people is far more complex, and the current focus ignores all the ways we experience intimacy and attraction and relationships that most alloromantic people do not. There is so much more to being aromantic than simply not experiencing romantic attraction! We need to talk a whole lot more about this as a community.
A good example is that I see a lot of aro people complain about how hard it is to find friends who prioritize friendship, or intimacy in friendships, or are willing to make commitments in friendships. I think most aromantics experience intimacy in fundamentally different ways from a lot of alloromantics that can’t be explained by simply an absence of romantic attraction. Not to mention that defining it primarily as a lack of something plays into amatonormative narratives in ways that are harmful to the representation of aromantic identities, and it’s misleading to questioning arospec people who do experience some form of romantic attraction. I’m sure some individuals experience being aromantic as primarily just a lack of romantic attraction, but I think the community as a whole focusing on that in our core definition is a bad idea. I’ll write a post about this in the future.
5. Do you consider yourself nonamorous, amorous, aplatonic, experiencing queerplatonic attraction, etc., or do you not use those terms? Are you romance positive, neutral, repulsed, or don’t use those labels? Do these answers intersect?
Labels are tools. Sometimes they’re useful, sometimes they’re not. Sometimes different tools are better in different situations. I’ll use some labels sometimes and other labels other times. But most importantly, labels are the tools with which we communicate meaning about identity, but the labels themselves aren’t the meaning.
But in general, I’m pretty amorous. What I mean by this is that I like sex and I love many kinds of affection, especially words of affection and touch. I love cuddling and it’s a core part of intimacy for me, and any intimate relationship for me that lacks cuddling is fundamentally unfulfilling (though it can still be satisfying in other ways). Emotional intimacy is the most important thing in the world to me.
I don’t care for the word “queerplatonic” because I think it’s reductive for the kinds of experience people try to describe with it and it invokes the platonic-romantic binary. I am interested in the kinds of relationships people usually describe as “queerplatonic” but I prefer the label “partnership” in most cases. Also, for me, I would not call these relationships platonic at all, so that’s another reason why I don’t use that label.
I often say I’m romance positive, but I’m not actually; it’s just a convenient shorthand that roughly communicates something vaguely accurate about my experiences. What I mean by this is that enjoy some things that amatonormativity says are romantic, but to me they aren’t romantic. For example, I love kissing and making out, but I don’t experience romantic attraction. So to me, kissing isn’t romantic and I’m not kissing for romantic reasons.
6. Have you ever been in a relationship you would consider committed, such as a queerplatonic/quasiplatonic, romantic, soft romo, friends-with-benefits, or others? How did being arospec affect that and the boundaries you set?
Yes, I’ve been in pretty much all of these kinds of relationships. I’ve been in about a dozen romantic relationships. But all of this was before I came out as aro, so I wasn’t really setting boundaries to address my aro needs for the most part. I just endured repulsion because I thought it was an inherent part of intimate relationships. So for me, because I didn’t realize being aro was a real thing, being aro in these relationships mostly meant that I was miserable most of the time because I had no way to tell my partners that I was feeling repulsed or that I wanted things different from the normative relationship models.
But being aro also gives me a kind of perception into romantic norms that a lot of people lack. For example, I dated a Marxist feminist for a while, and she taught me about feminist critiques of romantic relationships, and I was able to pick up a lot of this very quickly because the flaws of romantic social constructs and institutions are painfully obvious to me. This is similar to how trans people have a perception into gender norms that cis people lack. The socialization on these topics doesn’t feel “natural” to us in the same way that it does to others.
Right now, I have no idea what kinds of intimate relationships I want in the future. I just know I want to try different things now that I know I’m aro. I want to break the normative models of intimacy even more.
I’ve only covered most of these topics tangentially in my posts so far, so I figured I’d participate in the identity questionnaire they’re doing at @aromantic-official. My answers are a bit long and I go into personal experiences, so click to read more.
1. How did you realize you were aro/arospec? How long have you known?
I’ve only known I’m aromantic for less than three years, so I was already well into my 30s when I realized it. I knew for a long time that romance in general and particular romantic experiences seemed strange to me, but since I’m relatively romance-positive, I thought it was just a little quirk about myself. There was a very specific moment that I realized I’m aro, though. I’ve been the facilitator of a polyamory discussion group for a few years now, and one day people were discussing in very specific detail the arc of “falling in love”. They outlined how it starts with initial sexual or aesthetic attraction, turns into infatuation and romantic intimacy, and how exciting and intoxicating the early months of a new romantic relationship can feel. They were doing this so they could discuss at what point in that timeline certain issues come up in polyamorous relationships, which can be different for everyone, but overall everyone else was nodding in agreement about the timeline itself. Meanwhile, I was sitting there thinking to myself “Is this really what romance is? I have literally never felt this way in my entire life.” I went home afterwards and immediately looked up “aromantic”, having heard the word before from asexual friends, but never making the connection between that and my own experiences. I didn’t even know it was a separate identity from asexual until I looked it up. I found the Arocalypse forums and read the sticky threads and realized that was me.
2. Have you come out to anyone? Share a coming out story (coming out to yourself also counts)!
Yes, I’ve come out to a handful of close friends, who are all allo and mostly straight. They’ve been supportive for the most part, though I’ve had to educate them because they’ve never heard of the identity (neither had I until I searched for it). I don’t really have a “coming out story” because it was really uneventful. They weren’t super affirming or excited or anything but they were supportive and accepting, which is their default mode to new information, which is why they’re my closest friends.
3. How/Why is your aromanticism important to you/your identity?
There’s nothing I could say here that isn’t also applicable to literally every other part of my identity. It’s part of who I am and how I experience the world. Given the prevalence of romance and amatonormativity in my society, literally every one of my personal relationships is affected by being aromantic and by people’s ignorance of romance repulsion and different experiences of intimacy. Amatonormativity is what shapes the otherness of my experiences, not being aromantic.
4. What are some misconceptions about aromanticism that bother you?
Honestly I’m pretty hardened to a lot of queer stereotypes and misconceptions at this point. I’ve abused myself for being queer way worse than anyone else ever has, though the trauma I’ve endured at the hands of others is still significant. What bothers me the most isn’t specifically about aromanticism, it’s about intimacy in general. The concept that romance is somehow better or greater than other kinds of intimacy is utter bullshit and needs to be destroyed. Amatonormativity harms everyone, not just aromantics, and that’s the most important thing I want people to understand.
5. What’s something you like about being aro/arospec? Something you dislike?
What’s not to like about being aromantic? Falling in love sounds miserable. When I compare my own behavior and attractions to my alloromantic friends, I seem so much calmer and level-headed than they do. But I also feel an intensity and a satisfaction with non-romantic intimacy that they seem to lack. If anything, it’s alloromantics who are lacking an experience of intimacy, not aromantics, since so many alloromantics fail to see the value and meaning in most of the relationships they already have. I feel a boundless well of love inside me and any one of my friends is welcome to receive it in whatever ways we both consent to express it. I mourn for people who are so hung up on the pursuit of romance and narrow their boundaries so tightly that they never permit themselves to experience the beauty and joy of different kinds of intimacy. Honestly, being aromantic feels like being free of the curse of the exclusivity and suffocating boundaries of romance. My eyes are opened to all the possibilities of love in the world, and I weep for those who can’t see it.
The ONLY thing I dislike about being aro is not being able to empathize with my closest friends with regards to romantic attraction, but honestly that’s not any bigger of a deal to me than not being to empathize with them for liking a food that I don’t like. Literally everything that is inherent about being aromantic seems like a good thing to me. All of the worst things about being aromantic are not things inherent to being aromantic, but are problems with how our society is constructed and with how alloromantics treat us. So what I dislike the most is the way alloromantics behave towards aromantics. Treat us with respect and dignity, alloromantics! Take time to understand our experiences!
We all know the push at the start of last year. We wanted to be recognized. We wanted to be talked about. We wanted to be taken seriously. We helped change the popular definition of aromantic to be “little to no romantic attraction” to include more people. But at the beginning of last year, there was another push. A push to push aros who have romantic attraction out of their labels.
It started off pretty small. Individuals getting sick and tired of “aros and arospecs” but getting told they were using arospec wrong when they claimed this identity for themselves. “Arospec is for anyone who is on the aromantic spectrum! Including aromantic people!” Then why are you calling us that. Then why are you using it to distance us from your community.
I am using that word because you called us that, to make us seem like we aren’t one of you. You gave us a label, thank you. But also, fuck you for trying to take it away. I get told again I can’t use it that way. I give up, I have no label, and I feel isolated.
Thanks, aros.
The argument continues. I call myself aro. I get told that the word only means no attraction ever. I get told it’s not my word. It’s not my word. I get told I don’t belong under that identity. I get told to use arospec. I dont want to use arospec, you told me I was using it wrong. I start hearing things you dont realize you are saying.
“Arospec is for the whole community, use that if you want to talk about the community as a whole. You aren’t aro. Don’t call yourself that. Aro is not an umbrella term, and arospec doesn’t mean you. It’s not your word.You have no language. The common language we use to refer to ourselves and you isn’t for you. It’s not yours.You can’t call yourself what we’re calling you, and you can’t use the only word we use to talk about the community.”
Again, I have no label, I feel isolated. But this time, I get angry. I get PISSED. I stand my ground, and I defend us. I flip the script, aros get pissed, and then… And then. The post. The damn fucking post.
A word lost to discourse: greyromantic. “This is what you are.” This damn post was sent to me every time I talked about being shoved out of the aromantic community. “Look! There is a word for you!” This damn post was sent to me every time I talked about being told my language was wrong. “You can use this word instead! No need to use ours.” This damn post was sent to me any time I brought up the treatment of partnering and sometimes-romo aros. “Why don’t you just use this word instead? See? We’re listening to and supporting you.” This damn post was used again and again and again by people who HAVE NO PLACE to tell me what my identity can be.
This post specifically was used to talk over me. This post was used to silence my voice. OUR voices. This post was used, primarily by aros who have never experienced romantic attraction, primarily by aros who will never fall under this umbrella, to tell me what I am. To tell me what I can and cannot be. To tell me that my language was wrong and I cannot use the language I had been using for myself.
and I won’t fucking use that label.
So what labels do I use? What label do I like? Why do I like them?
I go by romo aro. It was a private word me and my microcommunity had been using this whole time, that by the end I started promoting and making content for. This is my favorite and preferred label, because it can cover anyone who fits outside of the stereotypical aro alignment. Sometimes-romo, romo favorable, partnering, polyaff/polyam, queerplatonic aros, aros who enjoy romo content. and Anyone who would’ve been shoved under that “arospec” umbrella instead of aro. This word is inclusive, this word is radical, and this word can mean me, no matter what that means for me in that moment.
I use this word mostly because it is the only label that no one else forced onto me, and I will never force it onto anyone else. I prefer it because it is, and always has been, mine. I always had a choice, and it never belonged to anyone else. This word is mine, and I will not let anyone take it away from me.
I also use aro. While people kept arguing against me, for I while I just dropped talking about my identity as a romo aro altogether. I went by aro because it was easier and because it can be an umbrella term. The definition started shifting to mean “little to no romantic attraction” and I am forever grateful. This is a word I’ll keep, because no one forced it on me, and because people told me I couldn’t. Using this word was an act of defiance, and using this word was an act of belonging and assimilation. And now people recognize that this word can also belong to me.
And finally… I use arospec. It took me months (and by months i mean about 7 to be able to comfortably use it again) but this word was the first word I identified with. Public perception of this word has shifted, and people recognize that it can mean multiple things. People recognize that arospecs are allowed to talk about their experiences under this label, including how aros have wronged them. Slowly, people are able to recognize that this was a word used for aros to distance us from themselves, and that this was the first word a lot of us had. This word is a good label, and while it started as a reclamation, now it’s solid identity that people can recognize as being separate and different from the umbrella term. And that’s really really good.
I want to say I don’t hate the creator of that post. I don’t hate aros and greyros. But you NEED to start listening to romo aros and arospecs.When we say something is hurting us, people need to believe us and learn to start recognizing damaging language. And there CANNOT be tolerance in the aromantic community for people who will talk over people- especially aromantic minorities. And the aromantic community as a whole HAS to shut down and learn to STOP telling people if their identityandlabelisvalid or not. I HAVE to stop seeing people in my notifications saying that my words are wrong. It HAS to stop. There was a mass exodus of arospecs last year around this time. My whole microcommunity is gone, and a huge portion of the community is missing, with most aros not even noticing. We HAVE to fix things for them. We NEED to make sure that will never happen again. We NEED to make sure that arospecs of all sorts belong.
This community does not have the time or space or numbers to be exclusionary and perpetuating erasure. It’s needs to stop. It’s time to start listening to arospecs. It’s time to start respecting people who have long since been ignored. It’s time the aro community takes a stand with us.
The aro community has grown, but it’s time to start doing more than what passive little it has recently learned to do. It’s time. Grow more. Take a stand.
This is completely right. When I started this blog, there were absolutely no resources for aromantics who weren’t strictly no-attraction. And since then I have seen pushback against aromantics who do.
The most important thing about a label is not what it means to other people. The most important thing is what it means to you. None of us experience life the same way. None of us experience attraction the same way. None of us experience non-attraction the same way. We don’t even experience the things we see and hear and taste the same way, let alone something as complex as the hormones that our brains sent hurtling throughout our circulatory systems.
I am reblogging this in solidarity for people who don’t feel comfortable identifying as grayromantic or arospec rather than just aro. Your journey is your own. Your self belongs to you, and you are not hurting me or anyone else by using a different word to describe yourself. You are not hurting non-attraction aromantics by using the same word. You have my support.
